Overwhelmed and uncertain
I finally felt like I was turning a corner in my step experience. SD 16 is the only one left in the house (50/50) and now that school is back in and she can be with friends, it seemed like it should be easy compared to last year of only online school and little socializing. A little background- DH and I have been together 8.5 years, living together for 6.5. SD 21 and SS 20 have been out of the house since they were 18. We have OS 2 who I’ve been home with since he was born.
My SD is respectful and usually pretty pleasant. My DH prioritizes our marriage and expects his kids to be independent and doesn’t expect me to do things for them. I’m always respectful and nice to them but I’ve been hands off from the start. I’ve got it pretty good, but I really struggle with sharing my home.
Last week I tried to go into the week thinking positively instead of the pure dread I usually feel. I am an introvert and NEED peace, quiet and some solitude to recharge. SD 16 is an extrovert who talks a lot, hums, sings, is generally speaking, a loud person. In the past she has done homework in her room and is typically in her room after dinner. Last week she suddenly was doing homework in the kitchen/living room. One night she was there until midnight.
It may sound lame, but my DH puts OS to bed every night and I cherish the time I get alone to clean up the house at my own pace while I either listen to music or watch something on TV. Having her in my space absolutely ruins that time for me. Even if I put headphones in, she will talk to me. She sings,hums, watches videos on her phone, sometimes face times with friends (not long conversations but annoying nonetheless). Other than that, she will talk my ear off. Now I don’t mind talking to her for a bit but I simply do not have the energy for it for that entire time. I look forward to that time all day and not having it, or knowing if I will, is leaving me anxious and on edge.
I want to tell her she needs to be in her room by 10, because I just need some alone time while I clean up. I’d rather it be 9, but I’m trying to be reasonable bc we both know she’s going to be upset and offended by this request. I know some people will say you just need to tell her you need to not talk or that i need quiet (we’ve already had the introvert talk with her more than once), but in reality that will make things awkward too. My DH will back me up but he can’t tell her for me because he has never cared when she goes in her room she’ll know it’s my idea anyway.
I keep trying to just let it go and hope it stops but I know if it happens once this week, I will have no patience. What do I do? I assume I just may need to set the boundary of her being on her room by 10, and not be concerned if she's angry or hurt by it. I don't want to live with tension either but I guess it may either be that or just deal with her being there but I'm sure she'll sense my annoyance after a while.
I guess I'm looking for advice or just solidarity.
I think you are entitled to
I think you are entitled to have peace and quiet in your home.
It's all in the way you frame it - and also I think your H needs to be there when you say it, and back you up.
Use "I" statements - it always comes across better.
Eg, "I look forward to my down/alone time after baby has been put to bed, and I would really appreciate it if you could be in your room doing your homework, from 9pm onwards. That way, you have your own space to concentrate on your homework, and I have my space to unwind after looking after baby all day. I know you will agree that we are both winners if we set this routine"
If she whines about wanting that tine to talk to you, simply say "when we are having dinner is a good time for us to chat - it's a social thing which I know we all enjoy"
Good luck!
You assume correctly.
"I assume I just may need to set the boundary of her being on her room by 10, and not be concerned if she's angry or hurt by it."
No need for it to be tense or confrontational. I would just sit down with her for a few minutes, tell her that this is your recharge time to get the housecleaning done once her brother is put to bed. Ask her to take her evening and study time in her room so you can recharge and get housework done.
These conversations rarely turn out as tense as we tend to build them up to be in our minds.
Be direct, be engaging, and if necessary, be assertive.
Good luck.
I feel this, as a fellow
I feel this, as a fellow introvert. When SS was visiting it drove me nuts when he was not allowed to play games in his room, because then he'd be in the living room. We have a small house and that was my space. He'd be talking and annoying me. He was mostly a good kid and I liked him, but I need my quiet time.
I think if she's just doing homework it's reasonable to ask her to do it in her room, if she's doing something she needs to be out in the house to do, like watch TV, it's a little trickier. I also think it's reasonable for your DH to ask on your behalf, as in "SM works hard all day watching your brother and she really needs that quiet time in the evening. Can you please do your homework in your bedroom? Thanks."
I disagree
I also enjoy my quiet time to pick up the house, or read a book. But if you have a good relationship with your SK (or anyone who lives in the house!) I wouldn't insist that my quiet time means they must be in their bedroom while I tidy up the house. If you enjoy the task, continue to do it. If you don't enjoy it, ask for help getting the house tidied each night. But neither option should mean that other household members are banished to their rooms.
Let her know that after 9 pm is your wind down time. You're going to put your earbuds in and would appreciate it if she didn't chat with you. She's welcome to read, or quietly watch tv, or do her homework...but you're winding down for the night and don't want to engage.
Teenagers move on different biological clocks. All of my teens were staying up until at least 11pm before they moved out. But they were respectful of the fact that DH and I are early risers for work and were VERY quiet. Not banished, but quiet after 9:30pm. I think that might be a fair compromise that lets you recharge as an extrovert and allows them time out of their room.
Common areas
Of the house are generally for everyone but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask SD to be in her room by 9 or 10 pm. You can explain that is the time you clean the house and that is your quiet wind down time before going to bed yourself.
Actually it sets an example of good adult life habits IMO.
Put her to work & ask her to
Put her to work & ask her to help out with chores. A few nights of this & she'll disappear faster then David Copperfield's assistant when the baby goes to bed.
update
Well it came up last night when she asked to watch a movie in the living room at 830. My DH and I told her I needed quiet time. I pointed out that she has a Tv in her room that offers all the things we have in the living room. She was obviously annoyed. My DH went to talk to her when she went to her room. The compromise is that she can watch a movie in the living room as long as she goes to her room after OS goes to bed (usually 9 pm), and if we aren't watching anything. I'm ok with this as long as i get that alone time later. We will see how it works out. Thanks for your input everyone.
My SD16 has no respect for
My SD16 has no respect for other people's privacy, space or property. She's also a massive extrovert and very needy when it comes to attention. I'm quite social and enjoy time with people but also desperately need my alone time. I've struggled enormously over the last 14 years as a SP to SD and I've had to have that conversation with my SD (about respecting my alone time) endlessly. She has ADD so she doesn't aborb information and you end up having the same conversation 50+ times. She also doesn't care either.
Our relationship has really disintergrated in the last 12-18 months as we are just too different and living together causes endless tension. I'm just holding out for her to finish high school end of next year and then she needs to go and live with BM full-time as I'm done with her.
I think for your situation it will ultimately come down to how you frame it and how respectful your SD is. My SD has zero respect for others, she doesn't care what other people want or feel or how her actions impact on them - as long as she gets what she wants so there was never any compromise/solution to be had. I hope your SD is different and between the two of you, you can work through a compromise.
Best of luck!
That's so tough and I can
That's so tough and I can relate to a lot. My SD is typically respectful but is overly sensitive (in my opinion) to being left out. When my DH talked to her he said that she was understanding of my need for alone time but we will see.
I hate how much this entire situation effects me. Just her presence here every other week is just so not enjoyable to me. I feel like she's an intruder which is awful bc she's a nice kid. I will also not be able to take anymore when she graduates. If she decides to take a year off before college she will have to get her own place or stay with BM. I wish I would have seen all this coming but I guess most of us do not.
Good luck to you too.
Dealing with overly sensitive
Dealing with overly sensitive people is challenging but posible if you carefuly choose your words and tone of voice and it sounds like you have come to a compromise for now which is good - I hope it works out!
At least you can say your SD is respectful and a decent kid - I cannot say the same for my SD. Not that she is verbally rude in any way but she may as well be as her actions are incredibly rude and disrespectful. I will always struggle having her in the house and the day she no longer lives with us will be such a weight off my shoulders and cause for a major celebration! Then I'll only have to dread the weekly dinners or whatever we work out to maintain contact ha ha.
You are right that I'm lucky
You are right that I'm lucky that she is respectful. On the flip side, it makes me feel like an awful person for not wanting her around. Sometimes I wish she was brattier bc my DH would stand for it and then I'd have more of a legitimate reason to ne annoyed with everything she does. Ugh that sounds crazy I know.
Agree though- it will be major cause for celebration when she graduates. Honestly, I'm living for it.
Doesn't sound crazy at all,
Doesn't sound crazy at all, living with skids is not like living with your partner or your own kids and we all need space from our partners and bio kids so the need is much greater with anyone else who inhabits the house (like skids).
Sometimes I wish that my SD wasn't pleasant and polite to my face as her actions are mostly the complete opposite so everything about her words is so insincere.
It will be happy days when our SD's graduate high school that's for sure