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"I forgot to say goodbye to him this morning"

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 10:58am

Someone was knocking at the door and I opened it and it was BM.

She said can I see SS13 as I forgot to say goodbye to him this morning and he's gone straight to your house (he is at our house this weekend).

DH came out and said this isn't a really a reason to come to our house to see him. BM said I can't spend the weekend without having said goodbye properly in the morning because I won't see him for three days and I need to give him a hug and a kiss.

DH said please don't come around without letting us know in advance and BM lost it and started screaming. I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE MY KIDS WHEN I WANT AND HE WON'T COPE WITHOUT HAVING SAID GOODBYE PROPERLY TO ME. ON THE FRIDAYS HE GOES TO YOURS WE ALWAYS SPEND TIME IN THE MORNING SAYING GOODBYE AND HE NEEDS THAT FOR CONSISTENCY OTHERWISE HE WILL PANIC.

DH said SS13 is absolutely fine and also it's not like we're going away on a holiday, it's literally just the weekend. Our houses are a 10 minute drive away. If SS13 needed you he can always go around. Right now he doesn't and he's doing fine. It's your weird co-dependency that's made you come around. You knew it was my weekend and it's not my fault if you didn't do your routine.

BM said ACTUALLY NOW YOU'RE BEING AGGRESSIVE AND RUDE I THINK HE SHOULD SPEND THIS EVENING WITH ME AS YOU ARE NOT A GOOD INFLUENCE ON HIM AND HE WILL BE SCARED. 

DH said no, it's my weekend with them and he can stay at mine, and he's playing the drums at the moment so he can carry on practicing. In the future please let me know before you come around. And he shut the door on her.

BM has never come around to our house before and I didn't really like it that she did. Also this relationship between mother and son is so weird and makes me uncomfortable. UGHHHHH.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 11:00am

Whoa. You've got a live one there.

On a positive note, your DH handled it beautifully. It makes high conflict BMs easier if your DH isn't afraid of her. 

thiscantbenormal's picture

Submitted by thiscantbenormal on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 11:41am

I had to come out of the lurking shadows to say holy enmeshment h*ll batman. Lol maybe it's one sided enmeshment but geez she is crazy.

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 12:23pm

I'm going to say holy enmeshment h*ll Batman in the future whenever I get annoyed because it made me laugh!!

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 12:18pm

It's not necessarily enmeshment. This is a HCBM tactic. BM was curious about what was happening within your household, so she figured she would casually stop by under the guise of "failing to say goodbye" because she has no other logical reason to just stop by. In reality, she could give a rat's ass about saying goodbye. She just wanted to see what you were up to. Then when you dismissed her and wouldn't give her what she wanted, which was an inside scoop into your home and lives, she escalated to withholding tactics, threatening to take SS home and cancel visitation under the guise of "SS is uncomfortable." 

I've been there, done that with these HCBM tactics. Good job to your DH though for sending BM packing and not engaging in her shenanigans. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 1:16pm

Yes. BM here did that a couple times before DH did essentially what OP's DH did, which is to tell her to stop coming over unannounced and shut the door in her face. He also turned off the porch light and he got an email later about how he hated her so much he endangered her by turning the light off blah blah. That was early on when she still wanted to hang on to DH. 
 

She got the message after that. 

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 12:27pm

Hahaha DH got an email saying in the future she would appreciate it if DH wouldn't be so disrespectful to her by shutting the door on her in public!

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 12:41pm

Do you live in the heart of a city or something, where the "public" could see someone get a door slammed in their face?  lol.  These BMs are always, always the victim. Shows up unannounced, gets a negative reaction, and SHE is the victim.  *eye roll*

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 1:15pm

Emeshment, control, nosiness, and a large side helping of PAS.  She just admitted that every Friday before she has to "make" him go to that horrible place (his Dad's) they have a long hug, and a consoling conversation where she prepares him to survive without her, because she just knows how miserable he is there.  She's terribly afraid that if she doesn't remind him of all that this week he might (gasp!) forget to be miserable.  Realize it wasn't awful.  And she'll have lost ground in her PAS quest.

Good for DH for setting her straight (he's fine right now), not giving in (which would have likely caused him to suddenly NOT be fine) and sending her on her way with a lecture on her own emotional insecurity!

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 5:21pm

When BM decided to come in to our house last year after while were not home and putting SD on the spot..when she dropped her off she proceeded to hang out on our BACK deck for about 10 minutes playing with MY dogs and stuff.. letting them into the house etc.
 

When SO called her out on this one of the reasonings was "WHAT I CANT HUG MY SON??!" Lady he is f'n 17 years old... make plans with him!

Skids live with us 100% full time and she rarely sees them.

BUT! Yeah sure hang out at OUR house.. cool yeah... no problem! You're more then welcome!! 

It's all about control and what they can get away with.

Your husband handled it prefect. 

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 12:31pm

I wouldn't be very calm if BM came into our house without our permission!!! Regardless of if the kids let her in. Like you say if you want to hang out with the kids hang out outside!!!

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Fri, 10/01/2021 - 5:29pm

I guess SS didn't know she came by? That's probably for the best but I'd be interested to know what he thought about it. And how important this farewell routine really is!

If I did something like that, even my super sentimental 8 year old daughter would be like, "eww, mom. You're being so weird!" 

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 12:50pm

DH told SS13 his mom had been around after he finished practicing his drums. DH said your mom came around because she said she didn't get to say goodbye to you. SS13 said I did say goodbye? Ah she probably means the routine. DH said what's the routine? SS13 said we have a routine where we cuddle and she says remember I'm her hero and she will miss me and I say I will miss her. I was late for the bus this morning so I didn't have time to do it. DH said OK. I told her you're doing ok and you're practicing the drums, you're ok aren't you? SS13 said yeah. DH said you're only here for the weekend and you've been doing this for 4 years, you don't need to say an over the top goodbye do you. I feel like your mom holds you back from growing up and I don't think that's right, so I'm going to keep encouraging you to grow up. Do you understand? SS13 said yeah I understand. 

I wish SS13 was like your daughter - he still sleeps with his mom. Ughhh. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 2:35pm

Your SS is a lot like mine was. He didn't sleep with her, but he used to sit on her lap on the sideline of soccer games at age 13.  It annoyed DH to no end, and he did his best to push him to grow up.

These sick mothers use their children to meet their own emotional needs and it stunts their growth. My SS is 21 and still her mini-husband.  She seems to not want him to become independent.  It's called emotional incest and it's really hard to break.

swimmie's picture

Submitted by swimmie on Sat, 10/02/2021 - 2:00pm

The other two SKs tell me about their mom's love life. It doesn't seem like she's had much luck so far. SD17 says mom went on a date with a pediatrician and mom was excited and saying watch me live in a bigger house and driving a fancy car but she only went on one date with that one. Second one was a plumber and one day I got home after school mom wasn't home and he was in the living room and said oh hi I'm your mom's boyfriend and I was really uncomfortable. I think mom was only with him to get him to fix stuff around the house for free. The next guy told me off for not kneeling on the bible to pray before bed and the one after that was drunk all the time and dumped mom because he wanted to get back with his ex.
 

I genuinely hope she finds someone nice that will help her move on or spend her energy doing something positive!