Stepparent and stepdaughter war
I'm writing today from a desperate heart who wants to make my marriage work but there is a constant war between me and my stepdaughter (age 11). At this point I feel like giving in, giving up, and walk away to have some peace for my soul. But I've worked so hard to be here in the United States. I recently got married to a wonderful husband with whom I want to grow old with but his daughter is not forthcoming and makes my life a living hell. I grew up very different than the American people and maybe our world is so far apart that we can't meet each other in the middle.
I love children even though I don't have my own. That is something that I had to give up when I decided to marry my husband. He's older than me by 15 years and his daughter just turned 11. Her mom passed away from brain cancer so there is a lot of grieve and guilt even though it was 4 years ago. I gave them space to grieve and to keep her photos and memory alive, which is painful for me to be competing with someone who is dead all the time.
My struggle is the girl. She is hardheaded, and stubborn, and rejects all my good gestures. She is hard to love and makes it hard for me to comfort her or care for her. She always seeks negative attention, by spoiling each happy memory that I try to create. There are countless pictures that we've taken that she pulled faces dress up with the ugliest clothing just to make that happy moment awful.
I know that stepparents do not have a voice when it comes to parenting but I do not agree with how my husband raise her. He treats her like a young adult, expecting her to learn from her mistakes without disciplining her. The way that she talks to us is inappropriate and she calls most of the shots. My husband is too mellow when it comes to her because out of guilt that she lost her mom. He is protecting her and making excuses for her behavior by hiding behind the death of his wife.
The worst thing is when we get into arguments about her, he always takes her side. I'm just tired to be the awful "stepmom" all the time. Where he sees his little girl as an angel that does nothing wrong.
How do I get myself not to let it get to me? How do I find my happiness in those circumstances? How am I supposed to become the person that I want to be with the constant dark cloud around my head because his daughter hates that I am married to her dad?
Is it better to let her win, and ruin my marriage? I'm so tired of the constant conflict in the house, the rejection, the knife in my heart. Nothing I do please her. She has a way to always make me look bad, and I know in my heart that all I do is means well.
How do I deal with her abrasive behavior towards me?
If you have any advice for me on how to turn things around, how to be a companion for my husband, how to be a good team player in the marriage and not give in to her who tries her best to make me fail?
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Comments
Disengagement is your friend
If there is conflict because of your husband parenting out of guilt - thats on your husband. The grieving and all that - also on your husband. You can try marital counseling and reading up on things. SD11 sounds like a mini-wife - - - look that one up there are lots of things online about how parents damage their child by making them into a "mini-spouse". The child needs to be a child. They should NOT have to be put in an adult role. Sure they like the power but its too much for them.
He is parenting out of guilt. Never a good way to parent.
Before giving up - read posts on here and read literature "out there". Things are tough now, they will get worse if certain steps are not taken.
He needs to change things.
And you need to disengage. If he is not allowing you, and she is rebuffing you, then you do not parent this child. Do not do or care or pay. If conflict is created when you DO try to parent, well just take that out of the equation. Stop creating these fun memories if they are not appreciated.
Tell your husband that you cannot accept ALL responsibility if you are not given appropriate authority. That means if you are not allowed to parent the child then you are not responsible for the child. Look up disengagement. It is your friend.
Does he expect you to parent
Does he expect you to parent his child? If so, then he needs to really be backing your up and expecting respectful behavior from his daughter. But, otherwise, if he is not asking you to be her caregiver, you can disengage.
Stop trying to win her.. stop trying to create happy family memories.. just start living your life in a way that makes you happy. That might mean finding some things that interest you and your DH that you can do together.. as adult couple activities. Certainly, if his daughter is to be involved.. he should expect proper behavior and if she doesn't.. it's his duty to fix it.
That may mean that if she can't be civil that you need to be able to distance yourself when she behaves poorly.
And, I know it can be hurtful but the truth is that it likely isn't really personal.. it's your position in her dad's life that is the target.. not really you. She likely doesn't see you as human with your own feelings etc...
So, you don't need to comfort or care for her. She has a father for that. If she behaves in a way that merits your care and concern.. then you give it... otherwise, let dad be the parent here.
All this.
All this.
All your husband is doing is
All your husband is doing is protecting this child from becoming a fuctioning adult. Sure, he wants to spare her any more pain. We all want to spare our kids paid. But that's not the real world, is it?
How does he expect her to exist in the adult world, with bosses and expectations and problems to solve and break ups with boyfriends and other hardships and difficulties? She NEEDS to have boundaries and consequences and disappointments and failures.
Firstly, SP should have equal
Firstly, SP's should have equal say on anything in their house that impacts them which includes parenting/discipline. I would have walked if my DH had not made me an equal partner.
Secondly, why do you have to give up having your own kids to be with this man? I find it the ultimate selfishness when bio parents expect their partners to raise skids but give up their dream of having their own kids.
What are you getting out of this relationship if you have no say in your own home and you have to sacrifice having your own kids?
Well... I am going to give a
Well... I am going to give a different opinion.
How long have you been married? Not long right? Should be the "honeymoon" period. But you get a freakin war zone and it sounds like your husband is doing jack sh!t to make it better.
Exactly how much are you going to give up to be married to him? You left your home country. You are going to forgo having kids - why exactly? That is HUGE if you want them - and you likely will regret it. You have no peace in your home.
So what has he changed for YOU? What extreme effort has he put forth?
I say if he can't put forth the MEANINGFUL effort QUICK, you should give yourself the peace your soul needs and leave. If things continue on as they are, you will end up leaving anyway - resentful, bitter and with no child of your own. Don't waste your fertile years banging your head on a wall trying to be happy with THIS man. You can find happiness, you just have to give yourself permission.