Feral Forger SD22 and her needles
I posted earlier this week about Feral Forger, and her wanting to move back in with us...because Toxic Troll and her have been fighting and shes been told she needs to move out. For probably the 10,000th time.
I just know this because of her broadcast text to DH Clan Group text thread, where she screen captured TT telling her "F U, I cant stand you, you need to get out in 5 days..." etc. And she got some sympathy - 2 out of the 20 plus family called DH about it, and he had to explain "Life Choices Feral Forger-style".
After her broadcast sympathy grab, she of course texted DH, because she wants to move back in with us...and he told her kindly that her life choices make it so that nothing would change her problems would follow her and be just as bad at our place (I truly understand he cannot be the bad guy that tells her outright "no") and of course she told him "your just a sperm donor".
Then a few hours later she texted me "since youve come into my fathers life, I havent had a dad...hes just a sperm donor, you traumatized me when I was a teenager (4 years ago...but ok) ...etc"
If Im so horrible why do you want to live with me, then?
THEN last night at around 1 am, she texted SD15 about her being a backstabber and how shes always been there for her (yeah, like last Christmas when you told her shut the eff up and eff you, and she was texting me that if we let her sister back in she would kill herself...sure yeah) and the worst insult of all, called her a "little Clove"...
I told DH that hes next. And told SD15 to "Stay Strong".
Hold on folks its going to be a bumpy ride.
I told SD15 not to worry - I refuse to sacrifice my happiness for Feral Forger. And SD15 shared with me that her sister likes to say things like "if Clove hadnt cleaned out my room, it would be so easy for me to just moveback in there"...lol. EXACTLY why I cleared that sucker out!!! 7 months of storing her ch!t, was long enough.
The entitlement runs so freaking deep. How dare she even THINK about moving back in after all her lashing out and stealing and disrespect and lies and manipulation. I havent responded to her text but I so want to just lay it out...
So, thank you Steptalkers for helping me stay strong. Every time I waver and think "Im a horrible person for not letting her move back in, maybe we can 'fix her'" I read my blogs, and read the comments and just know that shes not going to change. The way Dh put it - "shes just going to do the same things - sleep, eat and then go out an party, not work not drive, and be mean and rude and dirty...just do them at our house, rather than her mothers apartment"
Yeah, 4 years ago, I recall all the drama, lies, manipulations and disrespect and arguments and dirty grossness. How she would push buttons, call me names and then turn around and tell her mother that I was the one caller HER the exact same names. Her stories were so detailed because she was the one doing the stuff. Being called names and told you are digusting and gross may not seem like a huge deal, but that really does something to you - being treated like dirt in your own home does something to you.
And so, it goes on...send us some good vibes Steptalkers...
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Comments
That is one thing that I love
That is one thing that I love about this site. We can go back and remember the hurt we were feeling. Time fades but going back and reading what we were feeling in that moment is a priceless tool to help us stay strong in our convictions!
Plus
I really love my room. I took the door off, installed a fish tank and all my clothes are hanging up - bookcases storing my purses and boots. My beautiful writing desk. There is no place for her to sleep...
But you know how it is - when these people mess with our heads and mess with our loved ones heads...its a mind-fk.
I don't know how you could
I don't know how you could ever feel sorry for her after all she's done and said to you.
Ego?
not wanting to be the "evil stepmoster"? The shame of being the one who isnt helping her and looking bad to DH's family (a rather large one where the kids live with parents FOREVER).
Yeah, Ive done a good job of protecting myself, so she got maybe 2 chances to yell at me and call me names and then I blocked her.
This girl is 22 years old,
This girl is 22 years old, not 14, not 16, but 22! Living with your parents after aging out is a privilege, not a right. After all she has done to you and your family, I completely agree with not letting her move in. Stay strong! You cannot fix the dysfunction and toxicity that exists in that family and you and DH owe her nothing. Time for SD22 to learn a thing about life and have to stand on her own two feet.
Yep. I have exactly zero
Yep. I have exactly zero sympathy for my SS21. He's not BM's victim anymore, he's an adult who is now toxic in his own right. Never ever would allow him to live in my home.
Its a weird thing
After everything thats happened.
Its still messing with my mind. Like, I feel like the bad person even though Ive had nothing to do with her and took her out to lunch, and orchestrated a nice dinner together, sent a thoughtfull if small bday present and gave her $100 last Christmas.
Shes always been so freaking toxic and a total character assassination manipulator of all truth. Let I forget the whole accusing her uncle of abuse, and her Auntie of stealing.
That's something to work on
That's something to work on in yourself, for sure. It makes you very vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
The Entitlement runs very deep
Within her.
Its also deeply ingrained in Dh's family too. Its a large family and tight-knit. Asian family, where the kids live with the parents FOREVER.
Then some of those family
Then some of those family members can take her in. That's what i would say if any of them try to shame you into letting her live with you.
Learns nothing
She has been allowed to just be supported without doing anything. No drivers license. She lost yet another job. No college classes.
She learns nothing.
Good grief, FF is not firing
Good grief, FF is not firing on all cylinders if she is labouring under the delusion she would be welcomed back at your place! My SDs haven't given me half the shit that FF has given you and there is no way I would ever, ever have either of them to live here.
Mentally ill and Supremely Entitled
Shes grasping at the proverbial straws.
She edits reality so often that she doesnt know what is real/not real.
Its bizzar. Like I cant even go there in my head, and shes thinking this would be a reality if it werent for evil stepmonster.
And now she is blaming SD15. Because her "case" against Toxic Troll looks pretty strong if you just look at the screen captures. But she knows that SD15 has reported her bad behavior. And that we would believe her over Feral Forger.
Call the waaaaaaah-mbulance!
Call the waaaaaaah-mbulance! FF needs to eff off.And let your DH tell SD15/Backstabber to "Stay Strong". Not your circus...
LOL. YES.
Not my circus, not my flying monkees.
Need to back off entirely.
Of course she should come back
Cough, cough. I knew that would get your attention. Lol. She obviously feels that since she's a daughter, she can always come back. She forgets she is 22.
Stay strong, Clove. We let SD60 move back countless times and every time, it was a mistake. Don't be like me.
Im afraid
Im hoping Dh will stand strong.
He sometimes does things and then I later find out. Mainly with cars and boats.
But I will be watching that closely.
YES you totally got my attention. And you are a prime example that it just doesnt work out to try to rescue them.
House is barricaded. Shes not getting in...I will have to get a security system.
Im just praying that Toxic Troll doesnt drop her on our doorstep. Because what then? If things are desperate enough, we would have to right?
DH drives her to a Motel 6
Pays for one night. The rest is FF's problem!
DH would not turn her out
If she was on our doorstep. Im just hoping it wont come to that...
Sooner or later....
I understand where you are coming from. Im the same. Each time SD60 showed up on our doorstep, I didn't want to make it a hill to die on, I wanted to maintain my relationship with DH who would never turn her away. This last time, after the theft, lying, night creeping, drug use, I was ready to make it a hill to die on and told DH if she ever came back, I'd leave him. What I'm saying is, sooner or later it came down to that: either I live with you or she does. It would have been better if Id said that several move-in ago because that was what it was going to be sooner or later.
Learning from you
And others. I need to just lay low and not bring it up to DH, because he already has feelings of guilt - I can tell.
Although he DID say the other day "Toxic Troll P!ssed and sh!t in her bed so now she can sleep in it".
Surprised me...
I'm not saying that you have
I'm not saying that you have to nurse a grudge forever... but I do think you need to do some self reflecting on why you continue to put your neck under the blade for others when they repeatedly show that they have no loyalty towards you.
You do nice things for people that are toxic to you.. for Feral Forger.. for Toxic Troll.. For munchkin/backstabber... even now you are continuing to do "nice" things for "sd15".. and have backed off using the backstabber moniker for her.
I don't know if it's because you need for people to like you.. you need that validation... or if if you somehow think that you will get better results even though past history proves otherwise.
In some ways, I think you are relatively harder on the younger child because she "hurt your feelings more".. than her mother and FF that never really had your heart.. so your expectations were lower for them.. but you continue to help people that aren't worthy of it.
It's clear that you do feel bad for sd15 getting the spray of FF's toxic outbursts.. FF has problems.. she is lashing out trying to get what she wants whether it be by emotional blackmail or pity.. but it's clearly not in SD's realm of control where FF lives.. she is a child.
I would give her the same advice we have given you.. block her. She may be her sister but she sure isn't acting in her best interest right now and she doesn't have to accept that abuse from her.
Nailed it
I am very much that person that wants everyone to like me.
AND I did advise to SD15 (backstabber/munchkin) that she should block her sister for a while and just go "gray rock".
We have been doing well. Shes on her best behavior right now. Weve had a lot of laughs. But I know that I must keep my guard up, guard my heart, because yes, she had my heart and stomped on it.
Yeah. I guess Im just used to being treated badly. It takes a while to re-program that. Im working on it! Ive got a wonderful tribe of friends and you and others here on steptalk. I would never have had the cahones to tell DH no to FF moving in previous to being on here...
Look, I think it's ok to an
Look, I think it's ok to an extent to be a people pleaser.. the one that does the nice thing even for people that may not be necessarily nice. I mean, to err on the side of being a nice person is not the worst trait imaginable.
But, I also think you need to take care of your own mental health and not put so much of yourself on the line that you are chasing after affections that aren't worth it and honestly aren't attainable.
I do feel like your younger SD probably does like you... and she probably is a marginally decent kid.. but like all teens can be a complete piss ant at times and can be incredibly self serving and have a sense of entitlement. It's also not unusal for them to do things that hurt others when they themselves are hurting.. or to avoid fallout by deflecting.
She obviously has a pretty poor example in her mother and older sister and despite what good example you and your DH may provide.. she also gets the balance of bad.
The key is to encourage the good.. discourage the bad.. and not always take it overly personally.. which I do think you did the last time. I think you do need to be aware that her loyalties are always going to be split.. and like most people, she may shift those loyalties depending on what works most in her favor at any given time... not the best trait in people.. but it happens.
Now FF and her mom? no reason for you to have one ounce of thought about them and your DH should be checked for a brain if he ever considers moving FF back in.
She needs to be blocked.. she is no where near ready to mend her ways.. and the apology you have gotten the past is just as bogus as her blame for all her ills on you and everyone.
So... yeah.. be guarded to an extent.. but disengage from FF..
FF just continues to shine,
FF just continues to shine, doesn't she?
We also re-did Bratty's old room as a Whiskey lounge. We love it. Sorry Bratty, no room at the Inn for you.
SD15
Blocked her sister...
Because she is getting smarter now...
We are tired of her abuse and accusations.
She is SO rude...and so mean...and dirty. I am thinking back to cleaning her trash - dirty laundry and bloody pads, that she would leave in the bathroom sometimes. The moldy food. The names she called me, and continues to call me...
But shes Dh's daughter. Hoping and praying that Toxic Troll just keeps her.
It always blows my mind how
It always blows my mind how toxic, entitled people can act with no shame. And they legitimately think people will and should continue to bail them out regardless of their behaviors. Like I literally cannot fathom thinking like they do, I'd never have the balls to ask to live with someone again after acting like she has.
Part of her illness
Is a larger than life vision of herself. She literally brings NOTHING to the table. No drivers license, no job, not very intelligent. But she has a boyfriend who gives her money and a mother that supports her...
What illness is that? She
What illness is that? She sounds just like my SIL. Failing in every aspect of life, yet thinks she's so wonderful that she tells everyone else what they need to do.
Shes been saying she wants to kill herself
And acting crazy, according to SD15. Narcissistic disordered. A terminal case of selfish entitlement.
I dont know if she is truly mentally ill or just an entitled jerk.
You have to remember FF22 is
You have to remember FF22 is a product of sh@tty parents, who taught her no life skills, expected nothing of her, and did nothing to help her prepare in becoming an adult. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help FF22 or Backstabber15, they are going to have to want to help themselves to be better than the people who raised them. FF22 probably is a drug addict/alcholic, so unless and until she gets herself clean and sober even giving her a place to stay will do her no good.
DH said the same thing
Said "yep, she just wants a place to sleep, food to eat, and then she will just go out and party..."
Nothing will change.
I havent responded to her
I havent responded to her text but I so want to just lay it out...
Nope, don't even think about it. Why is she not blocked?
"Laying it out" for her just gives her the opportunity to keep you engaged and keep laying out her case. No need for any of that back and forth. You are her scapegoat. If she hasn't had a dad since you came into the picture, that is on her dad, and herself and her own behavior.
Look, the irrelevant truth is, she knows that if it weren't for you, her dad would let her move back in. But, like I said, that is irrelevant, as the fact of the matter is, he has moved on, he is re-married, he has a new life.
She is 22 fucking years old, with no DL, no job, no aspirations, and is doing nothing to help herself. She thinks that her dad's life should be put on hold to cater to her, or that his wife's feelings should not be an issue and you should have no say in your own home. That is just not reality.
When my SD was about 22, she asked DH if she could "stay" with us for "awhile". Not just her, but her husband-at-the-time and their 2 kids. Yeah, right. Of course, the answer was no. I'm pretty sure that had DH been single, he would have allowed it and I'm sure she knew that. I don't care. He's not single and I worked hard for my home and I like my privacy.
Your SD knows that her and her mother have this volatile relationship, she should have taken steps to become independent, by now. At 22, she cannot just count on bouncing between her parents' homes.
Laying it out
I know the truth of not laying it out. It would just feed into her drama as well as give her ammunition.
Shes now blocked. I had thought of keeping the line open in case she wanted to apologise. And if more nasty stuff came out then it would be more ammunition in case I needed to make a case for why she cant move back.
It messes with my head too much!
She was a "boomerang child" back in her teens too. And I know that Toxic Troll would love it if she could move her back. Its all just stressful.
And DH - who knows. He values family, but her messing with his bank account...!
Glad your DH stood strong...!
Forget about an apology, you
Forget about an apology, you won't get it, and she won't mean it, if you do. If she ever does want to give a sincere apology, she can do it in person.
You don't need to make a case for why she can't move back. You really don't.
Why is she not blocked?
Why is she not blocked?
YES. CLove, you said FF was blocked in your last blog. WTH. Stop this nonsense.
she's casting her net trying
she's casting her net trying to catch someone she can blame for the mess she's made of her life. she baits the hook with the hope that you'll bite and try to defend yourself.
since your DH is a fisherman, use those words to explain to him that you are not going to allow that toxic emotional vampire to darker your house ever again.
Just a big mess
For her mother to clean up.
CLove, you said you BLOCKED
CLove, you said you BLOCKED her. Did you unblock FF or just claimed you blocked her?
From your Forum Post:
Blocked
Submitted by CLove on Wed, 09/08/2021 - 4:07pm
BLock BLock BLock.
Shes gone from my life, for now. Whew. Good riddance.
I did
And then I unblocked. Shes now reblocked. Sorry for the confusion...! I know you want to help
I thought to myself "oh well, last time she nasty texted me she apologised, maybe this time will be the same..."
But heck with that. I dont NEED an apology, its actually better that shes being nasty to us - all the more reason for keeping her out.
The only reason FF will
The only reason FF will apologize is to get what she wants; NOT because she is remorseful.
You need to keep FF blocked until her relationship with her father is decent. Maybe around 2030 or so.
Peaceful easy feeeeeelings
Both Sd15 Backstabber and myself have blocked her! It feels like a weight has shifted off. Feeling better and lighter.
I am very much that person
I am very much that person that wants everyone to like me.
I guess, in general, I want people to like me, but I couldn't care less if dysfunctional assholes like me or not.
People that I like, respect, people that I have things in common with, share values with, I want those people to like me. People who are feral and toxic, not so much. Why would I care?
It’s not your job to unconditionally love
This young adult. There is also a difference between unconditional love and enabling that parents often cross. You are not a bad person for protecting your sanity and home and frankly even DH and younger SD from FFs crap. I'm learning to always put myself first so I can be a useful human being to others. It's a hard balance as a people pleaser. Just remember this is an adult not a minor. You are actually helping her in the long run by making her navigate the adult world on her own. At 22 she should know better than to be awful to you then expect to move in.
If she's truly mentally ill or you have real suspicion, her dad can softly mention that it's strange that she acts so awful and then thinks she can move in. That it's worriesome that she isn't squiring life skills and that he thinks she would benefit from seeing a mental health professional.
Toxic Troll
already 5150'ed her a few years ago.
So they just said "shes not a danger to herself and shes got some narc tendecies", but they did not mention mental illness, so I might be off base or shes gotten better at lying.
Either way - you are right. I do not need to extend myself any further.
I blocked her, told him I blocked her and he said "ok, good".
I honestly don't believe a
I honestly don't believe a 5150 is anywhere near the same ballpark as a thoughtful examination of her mental health... the only goal of that process is to prevent a tragedy.. either her hurting herself or another person. If she shows herself to be marginally able to function and isn't imminently a danger to herself or others? Well.. there is no way we could have enough space for all the people that need mental health.. but aren't actually dangers.
By all rights what one of her parents should tell her is that she appears to be a young woman who has a lot of unresolved issues.. and that her outbursts at others are actually a sign that she needs to seek help for herself to see why she is where she is in life.
She can blame anyone and everyone for her upbringing but as an adult it is up to her to figure out how to resolve everything and move forward. No one can do that work for her.. so she is going to need to seek out that counseling for herself so that she can heal. Perhaps in that process she will get some diagnosis.. or medication that will help her regulate.. maybe she wil get some coping skills... but her demons are mostly inside her own head.. she needs to work on that herself.