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Step Dad /// Coparenting with ***** Bio Dad

bootlegmixtape's picture

Submitted by bootlegmixtape on Wed, 09/01/2021 - 7:13pm

Aloha,

I am the step parent of 2 kids (aged almost 13 and 10). Their bio dad and his SO live nearby. We have been in this split household situation for nearly 7 years. I am the only one without a college degree, meaning (what my youngest tells me anyways) that I can't get "a good/real job", so I am the defacto nanny. We ave no support system of family or friends where we live for help with child care. I have rearranged my work schedule (i.e. working from home, working "mothers hours" ,etc) for the past 5+ years, including homeschooling while working from home while both my SO and her ex work. Her ex's SO has said she wants NOTHING to do with the kids and does not help in the caring for the children, even down to not bringin them to or from school, etc. Their bio dad likes to havea lot of free time and though on paper our arrangement is 50/50, he has said that's not enough free time for him to pursue his own interests, and has a work schedule that he is unwilling to alter. This leaves me as the school bus/nanny, and god it's thankless. I have asked my SO a zillion times over the years why all of us bend to his wishes (he pays no child support) for more free time, many kid-free vacations (in 7 years he has gone on nearly 20 vacations, but has taken his kids on 0, he goes alone with his friends or with his SO). I have a potential work trip planned in 6 months, meaning someone will have to help to pick up the kids from school, bring them, watch them after, etc. My SO cannot explain to me why bio dad is "allowed" to shirk all responsibility (i.e. our youngest son texted him from my SO's phone one day saing "sorry you cant go surfing all dad daddy because you have to watch us while mommy is working" on his bio dad's scheduled day). I'm feeling unappreciated and exhausted caring for these kids I had nothing to do with creating and wonder how or even if there is a way to get dad to step the F up. I love the boys and have no problem being the "nanny", but would love a little respect and appreciation in return.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 09/01/2021 - 7:33pm

Well, maybe it's time to show that you can get a "real job" without a college degree, and let your SO figure out another plan for her kids.  Until she holds bio dad to either following the custody agreement or paying child support, this unfair situation will continue. Sounds like you know she's at the root of the problem.  All you can do is refuse to continue being taken advantage of, since you've asked her a zillion times to hold him accountable, and she won't.

You can still be a good stepdad, just not one that picks up everyone else's slack.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Wed, 09/01/2021 - 7:59pm

Has your SO suggested to her ex that they file a new custody plan with the court that reflects the actual custody arrangement? The prospect of child support might get him to give up some of his free time. 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 09/02/2021 - 3:13am

Picking up the slack from bio parents' lack of responsibility for their offspring is not part of a step parent's role.  You have no obligation to do so, and to be fair, neither does your SO's ex's partner either.  If you choose it and enjoy it, that's fine, but doing childcare resentfully is a mug's game.  My advice to you is to prioritise your job, tell your SO that you won't be always available to do what you have been doing, and advise her that she and her ex need to sort it out between them. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Thu, 09/02/2021 - 3:33am

But also please consider changing your avatar picture to something else if you want to remain anonymous.  It otherwise be reverse image searched.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Submitted by ImFreeAtLast on Thu, 09/02/2021 - 7:49am

You're doing way too much for kids that aren't yours for a woman you're not even married to. Her kid disparages you. You broke the man rule not to date chicks that have kids.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 09/02/2021 - 10:56am

OK, so you are not married and you are extending yourself out beyond what the parents are doing. The bio father pays no child support and goes on vacations and you are expected to do pretty much EVERYTHING because of your job. Youve tried bringing this up, but nothing changes.

Well there are some great pieces of advice. Just stop doing all these things. Or talk with your SO about how you are looking at getting a new job and will be unable to continue providing the same level of care and they (bio) parents will need to figure it out, period.

A court order that reflects the true situation would be advisable, also.

It really stings that comment your skiddo made (I felt it)...so your job is not a REAL job? WOW. Their perceptions of you as being lower due to your job and education status. That must be how the bio parents feel. And its permeating down.

So - get that new job and divest yourself of sacrifcing on the altar of the failed first family. They will soon see the monetary value of the services you once provided. That or go back to scool..."sorry hunny, I cant, I have a CLASS".

LittleCloud9's picture

Submitted by LittleCloud9 on Fri, 09/03/2021 - 10:50am

Put simply it's time to go to court. Your SO needs to file to modify the parenting order to reflect reality and child support. Be sure to document how much time the kids spend with you and the texts of him refusing his visitation. The guy is a loser so don't think you can make him man up and be a dad, it won't work. Just make him pay for child support like he ought to do.  Since she is unwilling to demand he follow the current order the least she can do for you is get it modified. She's a BM and the situation has been going on long term, it really should be easy. Then take the child support money and get a babysitter and take a break or get a different job... whatever you want. 
If she won't do that then you have a much bigger problem with her not respecting you than the ex not manning up. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 09/03/2021 - 11:28am

I find it insulting that they don't consider working from home to be a "real job". How on earth do you find time to babysit and home school?! If they think it's so damn easy to look after a kid and work at the same time then it's time they started taking their kids to work with THEM.

If you intend to continue to look after their kids, I suggest you charge them (whoever's time you are covering) the going rate, payable in advance. If they dont pay up then you simply go for a walk and tell them to take care of their kids themselves. Remove yourself from the situation. Your time should not be free for children that are not yours just because you happen to be around.

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sun, 09/05/2021 - 8:20pm

Glad you found this site, we understand & care. Agree with others above.