When your husband calls you a "Karen"....
Today my DH called me a "Karen"... At first I was surprised he even knew what it meant and quite frankly I am not even sure I know what it means. Nosey? not minding your own business? again not sure. Maybe someone can fill me in on that part.
His family is a needy train wreck that he seems to always take over me. I learned today that while I am the one that always has his back, blood truly is thicker than water and quickly I am last.
All summer it has been one mess after another. I help him and support him in solutions. The biggest issue came to light recently and he wanted to give a large sum of money to his family member who is in trouble of their own making. We don't have the cash so co-signing a loan or getting a loan would be what he was looking to do. The problem has been going on for his family for years, he wants a quick fix in a day. He brought the situation to me and my only interventions were talking to the bank, getting paperwork together and offering advice on best ways to get money etc. This effects our available credit until they can pay it off if ever. He needs to get the best deal on interest or pick the best solution because he could be on the hook for it. My rule of thumb for people is don't give money or co-sign a loan unless you can afford to not get it back with borrowing and afford the payment if it is a loan. So go into it protecting yourself.
Co-signing did not work so he will need to get a loan on his own. I offered some tips he blew up at me and said I was negative and a downer on everything he wanted to do. Then he said I was "a Karen". I said" I am surprised you know what that is" he said I do and you are one. I looked at him and said, blood truly is thicker than water. You are on your own!! I walked away.
How quickly he turns his back on me and makes me the problem when I wa just trying to help.
Actually I thought a Karen
Actually I thought a Karen referred to an entitled white women who called the authorities on any person of color she deemed a threat in her own mind...so no you aren't a Karen and no your DH did not use it in the right context. But I'm sure you know what a douche canoe is and I'm sure he is acting like one.
A "karen" is an insult for a
A "karen" is an insult for a woman with a hairstyle like Karen Gosselin and a woman who asks to 'speak with the manager."
It's actually Kate Gosselin.
It's actually Kate Gosselin.
How do you live with a person
Who is throwing money he does not have in the toilet. You know the family will never pay it back.
LOL - that is not a Karen -
LOL - that is not a Karen - you are correct he doesn't know.
Your are just being sensible and responsible and trying to make sure he's protected.
A "Karen" is defined as "...middle-class white woman, who exhibits behaviours that stem from privilege." So you'd only be a "Karen" if you were berating them for a situation you didn't understand because you are wealthy and never expeirenced it or had any empathy. It doesn't sound like that's the case. You aren't a "Karen" just because you disagree.
There's a major problem if
There's a major problem if relative cannot get a loan with a cosigner. If DH gets the loan in his name, he (and you because you are married) will be paying for this. There is no way a person who can't get a loan with a cosigner will be able to make payments. If DH has to pay for this, it will affect your household. It many places, even if it is just in his name, since it was made during the marriage, it will be marital debt.
If you don't have the available cash to lend, the money should not be given. Taking out a loan to give cash to a relative is not wise (which you already know). Handing the money over without having the relative sign a promissory note would be compounding the foolishness. Not that a promissory note guarantees payment. But, it is something to show when they ask for money again.
Good point... About Martial debt ...
I didn't think of that. DH is kind of clueless. He also thinks if he dies without a Will everything goes to me. Dead wrong. It does not. Te first 50,000 of his estate would go to me the rest to his heirs. Feasibly BM could be driving around in his sports car. The kids could get it from me and give it to her. Might sound crazy but it could happen. she wants it they hate me they would love it.
We are getting Will's in the next few weeks. I can't wait for the lawyer to tell him I am right.
When he calls you a Karen he
When he calls you a Karen he is insulting you. It's no different than calling you a bitch.
Love is not insults and name calling.
I'd make him wish I was a
I'd make him wish I was a Karen. I'd freeze his credit online with each bureau so he wouldn't be able to get into ANY loan entanglements.
Also a loan for someone that can't get a loan even with a co-signer? I am willing to bet his "family" is going to say it was a gift and never pay it.
Thank you all!!
I didn't think he had the correct definition of a Karen and I was pretty sure I wasn't one.
I knew he was insulting me as someone said. He said he was sorry for yelling soon after but not for how he acted or what he said. I didn't even answer him it is going to take more than that.
We do have savings but they need a lot more than we have.
The family members have property and farm equipment to sell but need the money now as it is a husband didn't tell the wife situation about a gambling problem and they are going to lose their house. The wife didn't know they were in that situation.
DH did not think through best options just jumped on helping. Which isn't bad that he wanted to help, bad that he didn't think it through and come up with the best options. Also bad that my thoughts don't seem to matter. I learned a lot today.
Gambling debt. Lose the house
Gambling debt. Lose the house. I can understand DH's want to help out.
If DH is going to give this relative money, he can't hand him a check (aka cash). The danger is that the relative will gamble instead of paying off the debts. A gambling addict cannot be trusted with money. If the relative has property, a legal contract with the property as collateral might be considered. Something legal for the "loan" is definitely needed.
I do wonder why the relative could not get a loan even with a co-signer. If he's kept this from the wife, what else has he kept? Are the property and farm equipment already encumbered? Is there more debt than what your husband is aware of?
My husband doesn't call me
My husband doesn't call me names or insult me like that because he knows it's a deal breaker for me. I can't believe you tolerate his poor treatment of you and let him try to ruin your finances. I'm angry for you.
Gambling debts NEVER stop.
Gambling debts NEVER stop. My former MIL got in big trouble due to gambling and compulsive spending; we knew never to give them money directly.
Any my husband's father was always, always in gambling debt, he'd bet on anything. Lost hundres of thousands and was trying to bet still at the end of his long life. No family member would give him even $5.
It's an addicition - he wouldn't give them $ if it was for illicit drugs? Then no to the cash. If he thinks that $ is going to go to save the house he's absolutely wrong. It won't go to the house.
These people rarely benefit
These people rarely benefit from the benevolence of family who will bail them out of their self induced crisis. Hitting rock bottom, in this case losing their home, is likely the only thing that will drive clarity.... though even that is a long shot with so many of these types of people.
Save your money, save your own credit score, let them sink or swim by their own volition.
When you see the lawyer about a will, consider a "post-nup"
When you see the lawyer about a will, consider a "post-nup" as well. A "post-nup" agreement might be able
to protect you from your husband's bad financial decisions.
Karen Definition from Urban
Karen Definition from Urban Dictionary:
Middle aged woman, typically blonde, makes solutions to others' problems an inconvenience to her although she isn't even remotely affected.
Karen sues the local city council after they installed a new STOP sign that hides the sun from her window for two minutes a day. The sign was installed after a school boy on his bicycle was hit by a speeding driver and died.
Karen refuses to wear a face mask for her 5 minute trip to the supermarket during a pandemic. She harasses the workers, asks to see the manager and threatens to sue.
Karen complains that her favorite parking spot was replaced by a ramp for wheel chairs. She parks her car in the old spot anyway and shoots a vlog about it.
The Urban Dictionary isn't a
The Urban Dictionary isn't a reliable source, always. It's definition submitted by random users.
ok, but KAREN isn't a real
ok, but KAREN isn't a real "word" it's a name andyou wont find it in the oxford dictionary lol. THIS usage of Karen IS correct.
I wonder when it will be
I wonder when it will be entered into a dictionary...
Too soon.
Sadly.
Blood is thicker than water.
I read something that posed the question - what if that saying actually meant "the bood (of the covenant) is thicker than the water (of the womb)? Kind of puts it in a completely different light since marriage is a covenant.
OP your scenario is the reason I am no longered married to exDH. He made a foolish emotion-based decision to co-sign a loan against my wishes. Not only would that debt have become mine in the event of his death, it also affected our debt to income ratio thereby putting at risk our own chances of getting a loan in the event that we needed one. After our divorce, it ended up biting him in the butt since he had to wait for that loan to be paid (and had to make a few payments himself) before he could replace his vehicle when he needed to.
I prefer the more clear,
I prefer the more clear, direct, and accurate insults myself. Like "dumbass". You know ...... like your husband.
Time to respond.... "You don't even know that the term "Karen" means you dumbass. So STFU so you don't expose your ignorance and embarrass yourself."
This guy pisses me off. Why do you tolerate his presence in your life?
Not once have I ever addressed my bride in an insulting manner. She has never insultingly either. Messing with each other and teasing, yes. Insulting... no, not ever.
That your SO does this with you is intolerable. Don't tolerate it.
Karen is a term for a racist
Karen is a term for a woman who is either racist or entitled or both. It is also used as a derogatory term used towards women. Your husband is a complete jerk for calling you this. He is gasligthing you and is being verbally abusive. Also why is he throwing around money he does not have? He doesn't sound too great with his finances either. Most of these divorced parents are not. Beware.
He used it wrong, as you aren
He used it wrong, as you aren't one- but calling someone a Karen is not verbal abuse.
Of course it is verbal abuse.
Of course it is verbal abuse. Name calling, insults by the one you are supposed to be able to trust above all others is a huge slap in the face. Calling her a Karen is no better than calling her a bitch, the c word, the w word.
My IL clan is a financial
My IL clan is a financial shit show. If there is 100 possible financial decions and only one of them is bad, that is the one they make.
Even my DW will not flush our money down that toilet that is her family, when it comes to idiot financial decisions.
She did want to help her BFF/Cousin. And we did to the tune of $2K and again for $800. Both were short term loans (0 interest) that she was to pay back. She made one $200 payment on the first loan then a few days later called in a panic asking us not to cash the check .... blah.... emergency.... blah ..... tears........ blah, blah, blah. A few years later her DH pulled a gun on her and she needed $800 to take their boys and move into an apartment. Because we knew she was not reliable regarding use of money we called the apartment and payed the deposit so she and the boys could move in immediately. Two days later... she was posting FB pics of a beach vacation she was on with her HS BFF. She had backed out of the apartment, having not signed the lease, and they refunded the deposit to her.
She could be living under an over pass and neither my wife nor I would hand her a penny.
A few years after the lies/vacation incident she had the gall to ask my DW to cosign a school loan for her so she could get the grad school hours needed to sit for the CPA exam. Not no but F no!
Co-signing for anyone is a dumb move regardless of the emotional heart strings that are being pulled. Giving money to financial morons is no different than flushing it down a toilet.
Time to separate finances from your idiot DH, get a lawyer to work with regarding injured spouse legal protections, and let this dipshit go down in flames on his own rather than taking you with him.
And... change your name to Karen so you can rub his nose in his idiocy.
Have fun doing it!
Thank you for all the responses ...
It Is one of those things... double edged sword ... You want the validation here that you are not the one that did anything wrong and at the same time hearing a bunch of impartial strangers validate that your DH is a jerk is not an enjoyable moment either. He is a jerk to call me names ... He is a jerk to act this way.
Personally, I think he wants to ride in and be the hero and also show his sister and brothers that he is in charge. I didn't want to get too specific about "who" the family members are but to understand the story, it is his 75 & 78 year old parents. Their house is paid for it is years of back taxes. His mother didn't know anything about it. Thought my FIL was paying bills. Neither have used credit for years so they have no credit at all. After 8 years you have no score. I ran it to see and the bank did also. Can't get a loan at their age with no credit. So the in-laws would be on the street and loose the farm, house etc. So they are going to sell the equipment and farm property but keep the parcel with the house. It is all up for sale now and DH thinks it will sell before a payment is due on a loan. Now that MIL knows she said she will be in charge. DH is taking the money to pay the taxes directly.
I don't think I had a huge issue with him doing this, it was that he was in such a rush that he just wanted the money any way he could get it and there are good ways and bad ways to do this. His snapping at me when I tried to slow him down to go over the particulars was where the issue and Karen calling came in. Could be worry and pressure over his parents to make him snappish but the comment and name calling NO! FIL has been going to the Casino. Won big once and was hooked. MIL should have known something as the basement shelves look like the stock room at Macy's. I couldn't believe it when I went down there. FIL was offering me things, I took nothing! It made me sick and I didn't want him to think this was payment on any money we might be lending. HORRIBLE!
A rough situation.
For sure this cannot just be your DH running in to the rescue. There has to be a legally binding document that your ILs will be held liable for paying the loan back or you and DH will take ownership of their property. I get that it is family. However, a rescue without a legally enforceable method for protecting yourselves makes this a firm NO! IMHO.
We mapped out a rescue plan for my ILs when they were about to be homeless due to repeated mortgage rescue agreements with their bank, etc, etc, etc....
Our plan was that we would buy a very, very, very small home for the ILs to live in in their home town. They would have all of their income including wages, disability payments, SSN, etc.... deposited directly into an account with my DW's name on it with her being the only one with access to the funds, she would pay their rent, have groceries delivered, fund an IRA each year for each of them, etc... and give them each a $100/mo allowance. We would use the "rent" to pay ourselves back and when it was all paid back we would make the property "theirs" though we would maintain title/the deed. That home would them be theirs for the rest of their lives though the lease would give us total ability to have shit hauled off to the junk yard, etc, etc, etc (think a multiple acre episode of Horders) and do whatever is necessary to protect the condition and value of the property.
Nope, they were all kinds of offended by our offer though they would nearly have paid it off by now if they would have taken us up on the offer. The agreement included that they name my DW (their CPA daughter) the Executrix of their estate and would divide the property/estate equally between herself and her 3 younger sibs.
Instead they had three foreclosures, were evicted from a few rental properties, etc, etc, etc.... and ultimately bought another home that they cannot affort. My FIL passed three years ago and her mom is in a home that she can barely affort the payments on. But... they maintained their "pride". The last thing my DW was able to do for htem was set them up with an investment advisor who demanded.... basically the same things that we had. 100% of MIL's income is deposited into her investment account, the advisor pays all of her bills, funds her IRA and gives her a small allowance. He also of course takes his % of her account valure which we would not have done. But... it is not their daughter so for some reason they can keep playing The Emperor's New Clothes delusions and maintain their artificial sense of superiority over their "naive" MBA/CPA daughter who alone earns more than her parents, three younger sibs, and their spouses combined.
Much like your FIL, my MIL is a Casino Queen who was hell bent on winning a cushy retirement. It is nauseating how much she has blown. For a couple of decades, on pay days, she would take her entire pay check to the tribal casino and lose most of it. Which is part of what drove the foreclosure history. She finally figured it out but only when the investment advisor locked her money down and kept her fingers off of it.
Good luck with this.
Hate to be morbid.... but,
Hate to be morbid.... but, how much money is it? His parents are elderly.... should he be added to the deed to help recoup funds?
When his parents pass will the property be split between all the siblings? Your dh should recoup before the split.