Dont ask me. Just read my last blog. I post on here and people love to jump on me. All I can say is I complety understand what you are feeling and for me stephood has been the hardest most unnatural thing I have ever done. It has made me feel damned if I do damned if I dont, it has made me co exist with a human being that I talk less too then the fedex guy. 

How old is she? And how supportive is your DH of you being able to talk to your SD as you see fit?

What is the visitation schedule?  Is your husband away at work most of the time when SD is there?  If you have a 50/50 schedule, it makes sense that he'd be working while she's in your home, but if he has a lot less time, why is he not there most of the time when she is?  How old is she?  Is your problem really with her, or is it more with the way your husband parents (or the way your SD has turned out BECAUSE of how your husband has parented (or not parented)?

I totally get that others who are not stepparents do not (and probably cannot) understand what it's like to be a stepparent.  Venting to those who don't understand usually doesn't help.

Like you I worry about how others think of my often. I complain to my friends once in a while but I do try not to do it too often and for too long. That way the conversations are alwasys more balanced with both good and bad of my friend's and my lives. 

Although I dislike myself complaining, I think once in a while we all need to let out the steams. I find it really helpful, once getting my thoughts out, typing or writing, I can get over my anger faster. "Stop complaining" is simply not helping my mental health, and I'd rather accept that I'm a horrible human being than stop complaining. lol

I also don't like taking SS out with me. It's not really a secret anymore. I simply avoid doing it when I can. 

Unfortunately no one can say whether it will get easier or not...I've been in this for a few years now and I think it will only get better when SS is finally out of the nest...(if that will happen at all.)

Ive been focusing more on myself, because no bios.

Your friend might have a point, but shes not being a good friend. Id definitely just not say anything additional.

Stepparenting is HARD. Just read my blogs. I really struggle with it because SD15 backstabber is also very overweight, and does nothing at all.

And her sister is worse. Disrespectful and rude on top of everything else, which is why my life became so much better once she aged out of the system.

How much longer are you in steph@ll purgatory? Im 2 years and 9 months.

I would be more selective of who you vent to. I have ONE friend that is also a step mom. Our situations are similar and other than this discussion board, she is someone who I feel "gets it". 

Family members, 99% of my friends, etc. don't have a grasp of what step parenting entails. It is so easy to come across as "the evil stepmother" to those outside looking in. I don't bring up SD unless someone asks about her. When I do talk about her, I try to be as vague and short as possible. 

Regular Moms complain about their own kids all the time. But if a Step Mom complains? "Omg, she must hate her SKs!" Many things about stepparenting are double standards. 

Your husband is correct,,visitation is designed NOT for entertainment purposes. He is 100percent right. 

How long is your sd with her dad? You said 2x a year for extended time?

The friend you speak of...is not very kind. A good friend worth YOUR time, listens and shows empthy. And yes, sometimes may call you out IF your actions are illigal and/or immoral.  I would refrain from deep conversations about step life with her moving forward.

We are here to vent to anytime you need it. The very first thing I learned here on step talk is I am not alone. The second lesson I learned here is "OMG, everyone is going through many of the very same things"

You are not alone either, ok?

(((HUGS))))

When is your baby due?

I learned who I could and could not talk to among my friends. Some of them had to learn that I was "not" the mom nor was I allowed to parent.  "Just tell her X, Y or Z" or "Just take her to ZZ place, why do you have to ask?" etc. like she was my child. A few of them eventually said, "I wish he/she would allow you to parent because everyone would be better off...." THAT was validation.

In any case, I have about 3 friends I can vent to, everyone else I deal with non-committally, i.e. "SD/s are fine, they are in school, they are doing well, I don't know what they are doing at BMs" etc. I don't invite convo or elaborate on anything.

This site is the only place however (besides ONE person) I can really, really let it out.

My sister thinks the whole thing is nuts (in a supportive of me way).

Get a new best friend. A best friend will have your back above others.

How long are the visits? We are also long distance, and used to have month-long visits before covid. They were unbearable.

I had exactly one person I could vent to, an older neighbor.  She was a widow with FIVE kids who married a widower with 2 kids then they had an "ours" who was my DS's age.   Every time I thought it was bad at my house with 5 kids, I'd think of her across the street with 8.  Lol.

Just stay on Steptalk, it's a godsend.

I hereby curse your friend to marry a guy with 2 HCBMs, a violent thieving SS, and 3 personality-disordered SDs.

Seriously, though, she will never get it unless she experiences it. Crappy of her to not even try, though. 

I wonder if your friend was ever a stop mom.  I think it's easy for people to look in and make judgements.  I have mine 12 year old full time since she was 6.  The mother decided to give her up a week after we got married which was I am sure to try and split us up.  Just another one of the multiple things she has tried.  My step daughter really loves me and I feel terrible because the feelings are not reciprical.  I have my own adult son and there's a huge difference in the love you have for a bio vs a step.  Plus I think I resent the fact that she is here full time.  I wonder why I even stuck around. 

Mine too is obese.  I no longer say anything about it..... I used to buy the groceries and my DH blamed me for what I bought.. now 20 lbs heavier what's his excuse.  He picks out everything and honestly for me it works out a lot better.  My skid has a complete lack of boundries and I too do not talk to her much anymore because it's complaining or just acting childish.  Sometimes I listen but a lot of times I find it too hard so I hold myself up.  

The BM is totally useless but asks a million questions about what goes on at our home all of the time.  This mother won't even take her kid for a haircut.  I actually did one year before school and was given instructions from the BM on what to tell the person etc... guess what?  I never took her again and I won't. God forbid I say much to DH because you know it's normal to have CPS called on you at least once a year. 

Anyways- I am getting off subject.  Maybe do not vent to that friend anymore and just vent on here.  People really don't get it.  

But if you vent on here be prepared. There will be people who understand what you're going through and agree with you and then you'll get people who will attack you 10 times harder than your friend. You just have to understand that just like in the real world there's all kinds of people on this  site with all kinds of opinions. I really don't care if people disagree with me and I don't mind counter arguing with them for a bit but in the end I just ignore those that I don't agree with and appreciate the support from those that understand my situationMy point is don't be scared to post on here and don't be thin skinned. Some nice women have been driven away from this site from others that We're very aggressive towards them

That is what STalk is for. Come here to vent.  You will get support, and some hard truth, but.... repeatedly going to your friend with the SParenting/relationship problems you are struggling with can get old for your friend.  I think you should appreciate her message to you and make some changes to give  yourself a chance at a positive experience rather than a never ending drama fest..

Are your struggles your fault? Partially. But... there is a whole lot of ownership of blended family crap to go around.

Early in my marriage to my incredible bride I had a crisis.  I was wandering why I had remarried.  Being married was hard, being married to a single teen mom was beyond hard. It was all consuming of my life at that point.  For a fairly extended period I was an asshole, I was not all in on the marriage, I was of the mind at that time that it was a burden and not a blessing.

Then I read a book.  I still have that book.  With post it tabs and notes all through it.  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People saved my life, saved my marriage, and put me on the amazing path that my incredible bride and I have been on for 27+ years (27 years 22 days to be completely accurate).

There is a chapter in the book where Stephen R. Covey recounts a discussion he had at one of his seminars when a man approached him during a break and said "I do not love my wife."  Covey responded with "Then love her."  He went on to explain to the man that love is not the emotional swoon, tingly feeling that so many mistakenly take as love. Love is action. If the man did not love his wife, the solution was to love his wife.  Take the actions of love.  Buy her flowers, cook her dinner, ask her to go on a walk and hold hands, all very simple but powerful things. The actions build the feelings.  

I was reading that book during any down time at work.  When I finished that chapter, I immediately did a very simple thing that nearly immediately had a very positive impact on the love I have for my wife.To this day, every time I log into a computer, enter my home with the secutiry code, log into an account to pay a bill, etc, etc, etc... I think of my wife. Even if only for a split second and even subconsciously if I am focues on something else.   I changed all of my log in passwords to her name, or a version of her name with some extra characters.  I started IM-ing her at various times throughout the day, I would call her when I had a few minutes, nothing hugely demonstrative. I just "loved her".  When we are not together she is on my mind as continuously as is possible during a work day, or international work travel, etc......  When I am with her, I stare.  She grouses at me regularly to watch the movie, or what are you looking at?, etc, etc, etc....  She teases me about it, but I see the calm little smile she gets after giving me crap about staring at her, making googly eyes, at her, clearly appreciating her.  We talk, we just absorb time with each other.  We do take incredible vacations together, etc.. but it is the little things that demonstrate the love we have for each other.  I also season those little things with the periodic beautiful piece of jewelry, a new car, flowers, a card, etc.... 

I had a similar crisis before I read that book. That crisis was how I felt about my wife's son. Before she became my wife.  I took the actions of love with him and in short order I became his dad. I knew that I wanted to make a life with his incredible mom and to do that, to be fair to myself, to her, and to the boy I had to love him..... so I did.  Yes, a couple of years later I had my crisis of love for my wife, my life, etc... but.... we worked through it and have worked through the periodic relationship crisis since. Nothing that was a deal breaker, but they were challenging.

I am bringing this back around to your situation.  So.... love your DH, love your Skid. That will look different to how I did it. But if you take the actions of love, the feelings will grow.  First, I would give a small smile and a kiss on his cheek a try. Every morning, every night, and when the opportunity arises throughout the day.  No need for words.Just take that small action of love.  Build your actions of love toward your DH from there.  Keep in mind that his past is a large part of what makes him the man you chose to love.  Do not demonize his past, embrace it.  My first marriage to my bat shit crazy adulterous whore of an XW is part of what makes me the husband that I am to my amazing wife. Her history as a single teen mom, the challenges of confronting the manipulations and attempts to control her made by the SpermClan, etc.. are part of what made her the confident, striking, confident  young woman who stole my heart when I first layed eyes on her.

Your past and culture is part of what makes you the woman your DH chose. Never forget that.

With SD, don't focus on "parenting" her.  Take some actions.  With my SS, I would carry him on my shoulders when he was a toddler, we would go for walks together, chase ducks on a golf course, I chased him or he chased me through seeming countless McD's play scapes in 6 or more States when we were first becoming a family, living in different places for my career, etc...  As he got older, while his mom was in university, then Grad school, then working on her CPA certification, etc...We would go on fossil hunts on weekends when she was studying, we would go on "Johnny Quest" adventures (for the youngsters who don't know who Johnny Quest is, Google it.), climbing rocks, sword fighting trees and each other on hikes, etc, etc, etc......

Start little, take an action of love, build on it from there.

For me, it has led to an incredible life with a stunningly beautiful, scary brilliant, confident, loving woman that I thank my stars every day that she came into my life, chose me to be her son's dad, and that I have the honor and blessing to be her husband.

Vent here, bring the negativity here, keep the actions of love for your real life. certainly talk to friends and family about your marriage, your Skid, your life, but try to keep the majority of that interface focused on the results of your active love campaign and only a small part of it for the frustrations. Your have shit bombed your friend with the venting, negativity, etc... and she has had enough of that. She has not necessarily had enough of you. She is your friend, you are hers. Adjust how you participate in that friendship.  A similar concept to the actions of love you will take with your DH and the Skid.

There will be fights, there will be challenges, etc... but if you are building a foundation for a mutually respectful love for each other, you and DH can get through that to some amazing things on the other side of those challenging periods.

Take care of you.  An adjustment of your mind set and finding that spot in your soul where  you fell in love with your DH and building from there can be a truly amazing journey.  This likely will be the greatest gift you give yourself.

Good luck.