Step-kid wants to kill my child: update
Please feel free to read my initial post about what is going on with my 11 y/o SD to learn my backstory. My husband and I ended up placing my step-child in a mental health ward to get help. She did confess to her psychiatrist that she has planned how she wanted to kill my son and herself. If that didn't work, she planned to repeatedly lie about my son and I until my husband's family turned against me, and I had my son taken away.
My SD is a victim of child abuse and neglect at the hands of her bio mom. However, when she became the victimizer and planned to go after my six-year-old child with autism, I was placed in a horrible dilemma. I thought about if I could help a kid who wants to destroy my child and I. My SD is filled with so much deviousness because of what happened to her. So, I gave my SD one hail Mary, and it will be her last. That is why she is in a mental hospital instead of back with her abusive mother or in foster care.
Why I am writing this update? My husband and I's decision to place my SD in the mental hospital has angered my mother-in-law, and she verbally attacked me yesterday. She blamed ME for her grand-child being unstable, and she called me a horrible mother and step-mother. I have NEVER argued with an elder until yesterday. My MIL can be a very ugly, hateful person. When she has said horrible things about me over the last 10 years, I had a policy of just letting it go to preserve the peace of the family. However, yesterday changed EVERYTHING for me. I became FURIOUS about her calling my home, and blaming me for what is happening with her grandchild. Then, she has the audacity to tell me I needed to get psychology evaluated, because I became furious and told her off about placing the blame of what happened on me. When my SD confessed to me what her plans were, I looked at her with tears in my eyes, and I said, "You want to take my baby, my only child from me? Why would you think of doing such a hateful thing?" Well, somehow my derangee MIL saw this comment as me being an evil step-mother and favoring my bio child over my step-child. Now, my MIL no longer feels that her grandchild is safe in my home even though MY SON AND I ARE THE VICTIMS HERE!
I am so enraged that blocked every single number that ugly, black-hearted woman has, and I will NEVER talk to her again as long as I breathe air on this earth. The child's bio mom did drugs and alcohol while pregnant and then subjected her own kids to chaos, domestic violence, illegal activity (drug use and selling) abuse, and neglect for over a decade. This kid only moved in with me four months ago. If ANYONE thinks a child can be turned around in four months after a decade of dysfunction and chaos, they are DELUSIONAL.
I honestly feel like my MIL would have been okay if my SD killed my son, because she NEVER asked me how I was dealing with the pain of learning my SD wanted to destroy my life. She thinks that my SD would NEVER hurt my child, and I am overreacting. She needs to look at all of these school shootings that have occurred over the last 20 years. You DO NOT LOOK DISMISS A CHILD'S WORDS WHEN HE OR SHE IS SUICIDAL OR HOMICIDAL. I am now a doctor in training and biomedical scientist, but my first love is psychology. One of my degrees is in psychology, and I know my stuff. I told my MIL that she is utterly wrong to attack me. I told her to CALL MY SD'S biological mother, and unleash her anger on bio mom for handicapping this child before she even was born by doing drugs and consuming alcohol while pregnant. I have suspected for years that my SD has a neurodevelopmental disorder related to being exposed to alcohol while in the womb. Not all fetal alcohol babies have that characteristic appearance. Some of them look completely normal, but they have lower IQs and severe behavioral issues. This perfectly describes my SD.
Her bio mom is abusive and neglectful. I am not. The bio mom punched her kids in the chest to punish them, and I won't consider even spanking a child. The bio mom allowed my SD to fall so behind in her academics that she is a rising sixth grader who is really on a second to third grade level. I tutor her daily to help her catch up with her peers. Finally, my SD wants to be a scientist when she grows up, and I AM a biomedical scientist!
My MIL can be a very hurtful, ugly person, and I refused to take her crap this time. If anyone needs an evaluation, it is her. In fact, I did evaluate her years ago without her knowing, and she fits the criteria of narcissistic personality disorder. Furthermore, I saved her life last week when a skin infection she had became septic. Her daughter called me and told me about her symptoms, and I I told my sister-in-law to get to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. My MIL laid in the bed for days and refused to go to the hospital. Her doctor told her that she would have died if waited another day to get help. I also saved the life of her youngest grandchild when her daughter was pregnant. So, I save her life last week, and I am a horrible mon and step-mom this week. What a hateful, vile, and disgusting woman.
I'm glad your SD is getting
I'm glad your SD is getting care. However, you need a plan for the long term. You seem to be a rescuer. Do not throw your son under the bus to save SD. How will you protect your son in the future?
You've been very silent on what your SO has to say about all this. Did he put his mother in her place? I'd be quite concerned that he seems to surround himself with disordered people.
Well, my husband is a
Well, my husband is a hardliner. My MIL has a problem with him, because he will brutally put her in her place. I did not discuss what happened with my husband until he arrived home yesterday, and I already knew what he was going to do. I knew for a fact he would tear into his mom for what she said to me. The only reason my MIL was able to be discharged from the hospital early is because my hubby is a nurse who specializes in wound care. He planned on going to her home to change the dressings on her wound before he went to work today. However, he told his mom to find another person to help care for her wound from now on, because what she did to me was ugly, unacceptable, and disrespectful. Then, he kissed me goodbye and went directly to work.
Edit: Just because my husband and I are healthcare professionals does not mean we are not human. We are allowed to be angry, even if my SD is traumatized, about her months-long plan to kill my son. This was not an impulse like many of us have probably experienced (For instance, you get in an argument with someone, and for a fleeting second you want to knock the person out). This was a PLAN that she secretly carried out for months.
Feel free to continue to harshly judge my husband and I if we choose to draw a line in the sand and say to my SD, "You have went TOO far. If you want to make plans for months to kill your little brother, then we may have to find somewhere else for you to live".
Let's talk to a few parents who lost their kids in school shootings and see what they would say. I bet that they wished someone stopped those kids before they broke the hearts of so many families.
FYI, my SD came home yesterday morning, and she admitted that she was about to implement her plan to kill my son and herself. She said that putting her in the hospital saved my son's life, and that she deserved to be there. I was so happy to hear her say those words, and I told my husband that we may be able to help my SD heal while staying at home with us. By 9:00 PM, she was back to looking at my son with hate in her eyes.
This site is supposed to be a place where we all vent about the challenges we endure as step-parents. I am sad, stressed, worried, and bewildered by what is happening. All I wanted was a place for me to express how I feel. I have in-laws who are so ugly to me, and I feel so alone and in pain. I don't even feel like getting out of the bed today, because I feel myself slipping into a depression. So, when I logged in today, and I read these judgmental posts, it just intensified my sadness. I feel like I have little to no support from my in-laws, and now I don't even have a place online where I can talk about the pain that I feel. Thanks a lot.
However, what is happening to
You're talking about an 11 yr old child here. Are you saying that your husband and BM had nothing to do with her behavior that it's all on her? Are you going to have the same attitude when your child does something bad because eventually, he will. Quit giving your husband a pass on the situation he created and is now trying to distance himself from. That's great that he's protecting you and your son but he still has a legal responsibility to his child.
Hold up. Didn't you give me a
Hold up. Didn't you give me a long talking to in your last post about how you and your DH both work with mental health patients? If so, then you should recognize that SD's behavior may very well be a result of a level of mental illness outside her control. You can't punish or "zero tolerance" someone out of socipathy or psychopathy. You can't punish out of trauma responses.
Now, that's not me standing up for what SD has done. You're the victim in this and can feel how you want. Your DH, however, is in a different predicament. He is both the father of a victim and the father of the abuser. He has a responsibility to keep one safe while getting care and treatment for the other.
Blaming SD for making a choice that she doesn't see as wrong isn't the answer. Kicking her out and telling her she's a bad kid isn't the answer. You and DH both need your own guidance on this. SD is sick. Her illness makes her dangerous. Your DH is the only competent parent. He has a responsibility to get her care BUT ALSO to not just make her someone else's problem. He also owes her the best treatment that he can find, both for her benefit and society's.
I understand that you're upset. I understand that he is upset. But he (not you) needs to remember that she is 11, she is a victim of abuse herself, she needs extensive care, and he is her parent so it's his responsibility. He doesn't get to leave you in the position of taking care of her and then pass her off to foster care to deal with when she inevitably is released from in-patient care.
You did the right thing, you
You did the right thing, you know you did. Forget that miserable old biddy, she's her own punishment.
Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster.
You did the right thing. I
You did the right thing. I went no contact with my MIL in 2018, and will never speak to her again, because of the way she treated me and DH on a visit to her. Sometimes the only way to deal with utterly toxic people is to cut them out of your life completely.
WOWZA
I am deeply saddened for you. I am glad SD is getting help. I would never want to be in the same home as her. Its not safe for you or your son.
As for MIL. Looks like SD not only inherited traits from BM's abuse. Sounds like dear ol grandmama passed on some evil shit genes to SD. Let grandmama see what its like to live with this craziness. She can take in SD because she has so much concern for her, how can grandmama in good conscience let SD be around an abusive evil SM.
Man oh man I hope your DH makes sure you and your son stay safe.
You are strong !
You are a strong women who care of her family. However, your SD needed help and, most of all your son needs to be protected.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your MIL sounds like a really dysfunctionnal person.
Where was she during the 11 years of abuse BM did to her grand daughter ?
It's just a theorical question. You don't need to know that, you already saw her true color.
My advise, cut her off your life and your son's life too. She is uncapable of fairness
Your MIL sounds like a really
True, and I would also ask "Where was DH during the 11 years of abuse BM did that to his daughter?" BM drank and did drugs during pregnancy, did DH call social services then? He then went on to have more kids with her! What actions did he take to try to prevent all the abuse his kids suffered? It's almost comical that everyone is shocked that SD is messed up after being a drug/fetal alcohol baby and over a decade of severe parental abuse and neglect. I read your other blog that he gave the kids back to BM after all of that?! What did he think would happen? She's in a hospital getting treated but that will be very short-term. They'll likely send her home with medication and have weekly counseling appointments. What then? I think MIL who is reacting out of fear and denial is the least of your worries. DH needs to step up and protect his kids and you need to do the same for yours.
I've seen so many women say, "But the kids live with their mother..." Yes, this is true, until they don't. Now the festering mess your husband has been ignoring has come home to roost.
Well, let's see. After my
Well, let's see. After my husband won custody of the kids years ago, his ex comes to him and tells a horrible, despicable lie that she is dying of cancer. My husband felt horrible that the kids were losing their mother, so he allowed them to go back to their mother. The reason why this lie was so effective is because his ex actually lost a brother to cancer.
I suspected that it could have been a lie from the beginning, and I was proven right. A few years later, after she forgot that she even told this lie, my husband confronted his ex about what she did, and he had a long talk with the kids. The kids appeared happy, healthy, and they were doing okay in school. So, my husband weighed whether or not to disrupt their lives by removing them from their mother. My husband is also a combat veteran who struggled with PTSD, and he previously struggled a lot with his symptoms. Therefore, he made the tough decision to allow the kids with their mother. if she abided by certain rules, while he worked on improving his PTSD symptoms.
My husband's ex had so much control over the kids that they had a script that they followed in order to prevent anyone knowing what was going on in her home. For years, the kids would visit and state how much they loved their mom, and everything was fantastic at home. If the 14 y/o was not bold enough to FINALLY tell the truth about what was going on in her mother's home, they would still be with her.
Two things.
Evil people create evil people & shitty parents raise shitty children.
You and your DH are doing great. Him putting his toxic septic mother in her place is brilliant.
An interesting characteristic of evil failure POS people is that they ascribe issues on successful decent people. My DW's family did this with her for years until she did what your DH did with his mother for disrespecting you. My DW finally called bullshit and confronted the toxic manipulations. That polarized the entire family, everyone but us retreated to their corners, kept their mouths shut and did not pull their historic crap again. It took a few years but eventually everyone ventured out of the their corners to start re-engaging and now 10 years after my DW put everyone in their place they are a reasonably close and decently behaved family.
Your SD is fortunate to have you and her dad in her corner. Regardless of what the outcome is with SD, take care of you and your child.
Congratulations on your approaching Med school graduation.
Evil people create evil
By this reasoning, you're calling her DH an evil and sh*tty parent, which I will lean towards agreeing with since he is willing to wash his hands of the situation and throw his child to the curb.
Yes, OP is doing a great job of trying to protect her son. DH hasn't done a good job of protecting his child for a very long time hence the crappy situation that is now affecting the entire family. DH should not get a pass here, he is responsible for the behavior and well-being of his minor child.
It takes two ... sadly, toxic tends to trump good in parenting.
At least in failed family/failed marriage situations.
Your perspective is sound, there is no doubt.
But..... the OP's DH did not create this toxic, murderous, evil kid alone. Protecting his young child and marriage from the toxic product of his failed family coupling is the right thing in this situation IMHO.
Get the kid the hell out of the family and get the kid help. I would not risk the evil this kid is threatening on his wife and young child if I were the DH/BioDad.
You do ALSO realize that the
You do ALSO realize that the 11 year old is a victim of abuse, too, right? And likely is a victim of mental illness that she didn't choose, didn't get treatment for, and probably doesn't fully realize she has, yes? And that she is a minor who has had very limited parenting in a healthy family structure, correct?
I 100% agree that this girl needs to be removed from the home and put into care. I 100% that the DH needs to protect his son and wife.
What I cannot grasp or wrap my head around is how you're so absolutely cold to this young girl. Your opinion about mental illness means sh*t all of nothing when it comes to reality. This girl isn't evil; she's sick. She's sick due to something entirely outside her control. She's sick to the point that she cannot express human emotions or empathize with other living creatures. That sounds bloody f*cking terrifying, and it is entirely possible to be both empathetic to this girl because you recognize that she is f*cked and likely will never have a normal life while also recognizing that she is a danger to others and has to be handled accordingly.
You have admitted before that you're thinking is pretty black-and-white. You need a VERY large smattering of gray in this regard.
I feel for this young girl
I feel for this young girl whose father has zero empathy for her, but I also feel for and fear for the 6 yr old with Autism. As he grows and goes through changes there will no doubt be issues that need to be dealt with. Will they treat him with the same disregard that it's "all on him" and are they going to put him in foster care and throw him to the curb as well?
She is absolutely sick. And
She is absolutely sick. And needs and should have help. That does not mean that her behvior is not evil, which it most certainly is.
I do have compassion for this failed family progeny. I do not have tolerance for her chosen evil behaviors. Whether she recognized she has a mental illness is beside the point IMHO.
The evolution of our excuse based culture and tolerance for evil, illegal, toxic crap is infuriating to me. Regardless of the "reasons" why.
An 11yo is old enough to know right from wrong regardless of the details of their most definatley incomplete life experience. Tolerating anything less that what is right is a bad idea IMHO.
I am actually working on adding some shades of gray to my life perspective. But that will never apply to the choices that people make to behave evily, maniplatively, or toxically, regardless of the details that may be in play.
The child is currently in the
The child is currently in the right place. She is getting help, and even a child has to learn personal responsibility before she can make progress in any family.
She isn’t necessarily better off in care right now (maybe in the future?) because many foster/adoptive parents wouldn’t be able to cope with that either and she would end up going through numerous placements which would make the child worse.
This counts as ‘tough love’ and maybe when she’s older she will see that it was the right thing to do.
I do however hope that she gets visits from her father...
She does require a proper diagnosis to be managed properly and to be able to manage herself when she is a grown up.