Adult Skid Wants To Move In
My adult skid (22) asked DH if she could move in with us temporarily to start her master's degree program because it will be closer to her commute wise (1.5 hrs) as opposed to the two hours it would take her from where she lives with BM. She does not drive and will be taking public transportation. She lives with BM in a house. My DH, DD (13) and I live in a two bedroom apartment and my DD has her own room. Skid would either have to share the small room with my DD or sleep in the living room. My skid and I do not have the best relationship and if she could avoid speaking to me she would. She just sprung this on DH this week, but she has been accepted into the program since May. Classes starts in two weeks. I firmly told DH that she could not stay with us becaue we have no extra space and I did not feel comfortable with a 22 year old sharing a room with my 13 year old. And I would not like to come home to see her camped out in my living room. Also we do not have any kind of relationship (I met her when she was 18). DH is upset that I will not let her move in for at least the first semester. I just do not want to walk around uncomfortable in my own house and have my DD give up her room when skid has a house to stay in with her BM. What are your thoughts? Am I wrong for this?
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No. Grad school, if she's
No. Grad school, if she's serious about it, means she'll be at school a LOT (good) or at home a LOT and need her study space. I cannot imagine having been in grad school and sharing a room. Nope. It will not work. Why didn't she plan on a living situtaion first. If it's a big university I am sure there's a ton of good room / apartment shares there, within minutes of campus. Check out the ads yourself to be sure.
No is an answer to this.
Not sure
Not sure why she did not consider living arrangements first. My guess she was banking on moving in with us.
Just Say No
1.5 vs 2 hours? She's splitting hairs.
NO!
She’s an adult
I wouldn't even want to live with anyone at that age. Especially not in a shared room with a teen.
a half hour isn't that much. She can just stay put where she is. It's a two yes :one no situation to having a free loading adult move in.
wouid your DH be in her as far as pitching in around the house ? Not disturbing everyone at night etc. that's going to cause unneeded stress on everyone. No thanks
That sounds like a disaster
That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Stick with no. You don't have room, and it's way too far for her to be commuting to school. Why can't she get a room closer to school? Most schools have resources to help students find living quarters/roommates. Your DH should advise her to start looking and she can stay with BM until she finds something. The difference between 2 hours and 1.5 hours, for a short period of time, isn't a big deal. Also, if she's taking public transportation, she can use that commute time for studying, so it's not a wasted hour to go further to BM's house.
The problem with allowing her to move in, even for a semester or a month, is it's then harder to get rid of her.
She needs to find a place
She needs to find a place closer to her school.
Just say no
Wrong, wrong, wrong on many levels.
1.5 hrs vs 2 hrs is no big difference
Its just an excuse to freeload off you guys.
if she has not maintained a positive harmonious relationship with you and your daughter she is a stranger and your husband should not be putting you in a situation of living with a disrespectful stranger.
sure he says its 1 semester till its not and she leaves a mess. You have no room for her to move in permanently whilst she finishes her studies so leave it at that.
The living logistics are
The living logistics are enough to say sorry, we just don't have the space.
She needs to do what normal people do and get a cheap apartment with a roommate or 3 and live close to campus.
Similar
I feel you...I am currently getting a divorce due to a very similar situation.. My Adult Step Daughter age 21year old.. Who is not attending school.. But who works in 2 restaurunts as a waitress..Was having anxiety issues.. And my wife informed me she would be moving into our living room. ( the other 2 bedrooms are already occupied by 2 other adult stepsons ages 18 and 24) And all of this was during the peak of Covid 19. I said no she could not live in our living room, where i relax every evening.. Well long story short it was a huge blow up, and we are now 3 months into the divorce and the Laywers are $7000 dollars richer aleady..It has been a nightmare and a disaster for me personally..
Sorry to hear this
I think we all ignore the red flags in the beginning. We should all trust our instincts.
IT may be expensive but in
IT may be expensive but in the long run you are better off.
Welp
DH do you want a peaceful marriage?
him "of course I do"
Well then it wont be if your adult DD moves in.
Oh no. Trust me. In my past
Oh no. Trust me. In my past step life SD moved in for a year while in medical school. By the end of the year she said she is staying some more. Well I was out. But she lived with ex for several years after. I was already married to someone else and she was still living there!
And we lived in a large house. Not a two bedroom. Still she made my life he$$ and my ex didn't put me first. So if your DH wants to live with his DD, he should get a separate place.
I remember your story all too
I remember your story all too well!
No no no
And tell her to grow up and learn to drive already!
No! No room, no relationship
No! No room, no relationship with you, and your poor DD doesn't need an unrelated adult woman sharing a room with her. That's creepy.
You are absolutely not wrong.
You are absolutely not wrong. It is wrong for her to even ask, considering that you have no room for her and the two of you have no relationship.
Temporarily? What does that mean, exactly? Like you have pointed out, she has had time to consider living arrangements.
I found this site when my SD wanted to "stay" with us for "a couple of weeks". Only it was her, her husband, and their 2 kids. I was adamantly against it and felt a little guilty... until I found this site.
They ended up staying with one of her husband's relatives for months and months. And months. The reason they needed a place to stay, in the first place, was entirely their own doing.
My SD and her husband could have made better choices and so could your SD have done a little advance planning. This is a good lesson for her.
Thanks for all the responses
I was certainly feeling guilty for awhile. They are still scrambling to make it work, but my answer is a firm "no."
Absolutely NO. You don't have
Absolutely NO. You don't have the space and that's that.
There is no space & that kind
There is no space & that kind of commute isn't really feasible. DH can help her with an apartment close to school if he's so concerned. He should also help her learn to drive. Teaching her life skills is much more productive then sulking.