30 yo ss time to move out?
i am newly married to the a wonderfully sweet kind man.
when i met him, i was informed his son was living with him to save money for a house.
it was not an issue, we got along well and he always stayed on his part of the house. he has a good job makes good money.
now my eyes are wide open. he is extremely passive agressive. he is disrepectful to his father and has issues with me making some changes to some of the bills his father was paying for him. he makes more $ than i do.....
and a few days ago i noticed he texted his father iver 60 times, no doubt referring to me in derogatory terms (his dad denies him doing this)
accused me to his father of driving a wedge etc.
well i am ready for him to move out.
if it is not OK FOR any other grown man to say mean things about me to my husband? why is it ok for his son to do so?need advice please.
my home is my sanctuary.
i dont even want to come home lately. i feel my hands are tied. i would like to confront ss but that would make things worse and my husband just covers his behavior up and doesnt tell me what has been said about me......
The problem with wonderfully
The problem with wonderfully sweet kind men is that they are also wonderfully sweet and kind to their offspring too- this SS is an adult, has a good job and makes good money- then why can't he be wonderfully sweet and kind to his own father and get out of there?
In fact, why doesn't he just show some respect to his father and his new wife and leave them alone?
Why is his father paying his bills?
I am sorry you have learned this very common lesson (on here) after you married and not before, Someone in this enmeshed father/son dynamic has serious issues- this is not normal adult behaviour. I suspect your SS is a narcissist and I think that word is frequently over used!
I suggest you have a serious talk with DH- give your SS a timescale to go and make an exit plan for yourself in case he doesn't leave or isn't encouraged to do so by his pathetic parent. My instinct is telling me SS is wanting a certain kind of 'house' that possiby doesn't even exist.
Please let us know how you get on- there are lots of people to give you advice here.
thanks!
husband was paying his cell phone bill because I guess it was cheaper. I put a stop to it because stepson was taking advantage by renting MOVIES ON HIS PHONE! $20 for one movie, others at $5.99 each. and not paying for it! also ss was renting MMA pay oer view on cable and not paying. dh used to buy food for ss, until I kept complaining about SS never eating it and throwing away $20 worth of hamburger on a regular basis.
THIS
morning I have asserted myself to husband and I drew my line in the sand. i am 52 years old, attractive look much younger, i have a great mind, am fun and funny. i am independent and can take care if myself just fine. i am not accepting this situation. my life means more to me than THIS.
This is good to read! Go girl
This is good to read! Go girl- I don't know why men behave this way, but he sure doesn't deserve you if he isn't prerpared to say good-bye to entitled son and hello to a great life with you. Goodluck!
Your home should be your
Your home should be your sanctuary. Your husband should not cover up the fact the SS is being disrespectful toward you. Your husband should expect his wife be treated decently.
It seems like in situations when the spouse moves into the home the skids have or still live in, the skids are allowed by the bio parent to treat the new spouse like garbage in that home. I was lucky in that my DH sold his home where his hateful adult skids came and went as they pleased and treated me like dirt there, and we moved into another home I had lived in before.
Anyway, if SS is making good money and is that old, your DH should not be paying any of his bills. SS sounds like a spoiled, entitled adult brat. Your DH needs to wake up and stop accepting the toxic way the SS treats you.
Good luck.
From the SS's perspective,
From the SS's perspective, you HAVE driven a wedge just because you exist. You are a new person in the house and you are coming between he and his daddy's money that he thinks he is entitled to.
But despite his feelings on the matter, he has no right to treat you poorly and you need to put your foot down with your DH. Ask him when he will stop enabling his son and when he will be launching. If you don't get the backing you need from your DH, your partner, I'd consider an annulment.
When I read stories like this (and so many others here), I am so glad my DH moved into my home rather than me moving into his.
thank you
dh is the problem.
i drew my line in the sand this morning after being up all night.
i believe i married a smart man.... will just have to see what this weekend brings.
i am fiercely independent. i have alot to offer, lets see how smart dh really is.
Good luck. When I started
Good luck. When I started dating my DH, his then 27-year old princess called him crying when she overspent on her credit card. She milked it for all it's worth, big huge tears, hysterical. She called once with me in the car and I could hear her crying on the phone that now she could not buy the $700 glasses she wanted.
When he got off the phone, he told me that happened every other month.
We were just getting serious, and I told him he was enabling his DD. He needed to tell her to pay down her credit card debt and stop bailing her out. She had a college degree but chose a low paying field. This was the life she chose. If she needed help, he should sit her down and help her make a budget.
Fortunately, that is what he did. There were other red flags that I overlooked pertaining to his DD's behavior and how he pandered to her poor fee fees, but I am glad that one ended well - I would have never married him if it did not.
Get this POS out now and dont forget to get your DH's balls from
him as he leaves.
smh
The wonderful sweet and kind loves of a person's life always have a "yes but" associated with them it seems.
Reality is often that there is very l ittle that is actually wonderful, sweet or kind and far more often than not, at least in the blended family communities, these "wonderful" soul mates are little more than toxic, spineless manipulators of little character who have spawned yet another generation of toxic, spineless manipulators.
wow
well said!!!!! very well said!!!!
Did you ever ask how much money he wants to save to put down on
a house? And out of that amount, how much has he actually saved so far? How long has he been living with his DF and saving?
IOW, if this guy has been living with Daddy and saving for 5 years, and has a grand total of $5,000 saved so far, then you might want to make alternate living arrangements.
You have my sympathies.
he has ALOT if money
inherited money when bm died a few years ago. when bm divorced dh she got his ENTIRE 401k in the divirce. it was many years ago and before i ever met dh.
the guy has more money than we have saved!
Have you had a frank conversation with your DH about this?
Since Jr. sounds pretty well off yet is still living with his father, my guess is that his living there has nothing to do with saving money. BM died, and this would be my guess as to why this man is still living with his father. Is your DH a guilty dad? Does he feel guilty about the divorce? It could be why he is allowing this to go on. IMO, you need to get to the bottom of this with your DH, because there's a reason why jr. is still there, but it isn't about money.
This is a very telling piece
This is a very telling piece of information. He has enough money to get into a house, yet he prefers to live with and use his father. And his father had been fine with this arrangement, and caters to him.
I agree, this smells like enmeshment. OP, BM's death may have trauma bonded these two. You've married into a dysfunctional dynamic. Unless your H really wants to effect change, enmeshment can be very difficult to overcome.
Like everyone it telling you
You know he should not be in the house. At his age he should be living on his own or with someone else not his parents. Give him a deadline to move out. No if,, an... and buts
thank you ALL
WOW! it was wonderful to find you all, it makes me feel better just knowing i am not alone!
**UPDATE**
saw dh at lunch today, he admits situation is wrong and that SS has to leave. we will discuss the timeframe this weekend AND he is going to talk to SS about attitude.
ladies I am hopeful but we will see. I will tell you all one thing, I have no intentions of allowing this situation to suck the life out of me. i donr NEED anyone. have huge BALLS, theyre called ovaries! lol
thank you all!
will keep you posted!
Testicular fortitude does not require testicals
Your huge ovaries will do just fine in this application.
When your DH married you he
When your DH married you he made a choice. In almost all wedding vows in the groom promises to honor and cherish his bride. By making this promise, your DH chose to make your marriage the priority in his life 'til death do us part'. These vows are not made with children because the natural intent, even with animals, is that they one day become adult, exit the 'nest', and follow in the footsteps of their parents to go forth to live their own lives.
Has you DH expessed what he wants in his future? Is it a life with you or SS? Your DH is weak like mine. When my DH was having difficulty choosing priorities I gave him the choice of working on the marraige or leaving. I did not ask him to desert his daughter emotionally, I asked that he fulfill his promise to me. Yes, I probably wound up being the horrible SM to SD, but I know this would have been my 'role' no matter how nice I was or how demanding I was.
The only thing you can expect from anyone is mutual respect - which you are not getting. You are going to have to put your foot down, inform DH of your expectations for your marraige (including launching SS), and if he can't do this, form an alternate plan.