I understand what everyone here is saying. I came on here to ask advice but obviously I realised how angry I was while I was typing it out and it’s turned into a vent. Despite his awful behaviour in the past, I’m desperate to make it work because I’m flat out exhausted from being a SAHM to two babies on my own all week, when he is around he cooks, helps with shopping, helps with childcare etc (he works for himself), and it’s been a huge relief after those initial few weeks back from hospital with baby2 whereby I was doing everything all by myself after another CS (I wasn’t supposed to pick up my toddler but had to etc). I don’t have any family around to replace this role he’s been filling. When we are getting on he can be funny and kind but I’m struggling thinking about how messed up things become when SD is around and I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I find it all very disturbing and I’m struggling with processing it all and moving forward and he’s basically saying now he will jump through any hoop. A few months ago he kept saying SD was a second mummy to my son which I found disturbing and upsetting. I don’t see how I can deal with this unless I’m there to resume my role on the weekends. I hate not seeing my boy every weekend and I’m dreading when my daughter is old enough (he kept asking to put her on formula etc which I’ve said no to, because I don’t think they will be able to take care of her adequately). 

With all this, I am also disturbed by the continual involvement of BM. Last year (before we got back together) he spent Easter and Xmas with them. He spent Easter with BM and SD and my son. I didn’t know BM was around my son and I had explicitly asked for her not to be because I hate the idea of my son playing happy families with the people who have torn mine apart. My partner (ex at the time) told me BM wasn’t around etc. I was in hospital for 5 days and didn’t find out until recently that BM was staying at his (in SDs bed with her) the entire time until recently. BM has also randomly stayed over on weekends my son has been there. I found her toiletries, clothes, earrings etc. Partner (ex at the time) said this was ‘crisis management’ for SD because I told him I didn’t want him in the operating theatre because we had been arguing about BM calling up and inviting my son to hers while I was in the car (on speakerphone). I had repeatedly expressed I didn’t want SD’s BM around my son. I said for him to be in the waiting room because I didn’t want the stress and it was twisted into I apparently stopped SD from attending the birth of baby2... no way would they have allowed a child in the operating theatre nor would I have been comfortable with that so I’m not sure what he’s on about. He’s used it as an excuse as to why BM was staying around so much. At the time, he made the argument that he’s free to do what he likes with my son during his time with him. I can’t dispute that and I can’t tell him he can’t withold visitations because I rely on maintenance etc. I feel like the only way I’m back in control of the situation is to be back with him to ensure things like this aren’t happening.

I get his behaviour in the past has been awful. Funnily enough I feel like I am protecting my children by having the  ability to always be there and be in control of the situation. I’m putting a lot of faith into the idea that he’s willing to change his behaviour. I can’t tell you how isolating and lonely it is to be there on your own all week, constantly changing nappies and breastfeeding and never having a moment to yourself. When we started seeing each other again, it all changed. I had someone to laugh with, someone to help with the babies, someone to help in the house with cooking etc, someone to take us all to the beach for a nice family day out. For once I felt like I was apart of a family with him. I was no longer stressed, tired or lonely and everything became a thousand times easier. I also don’t mean to come across as a gold digger when I say this, but being on my own has created a huge amount of financial stress for me. He provides maintenance, sure (the maximum I would be eligible for), but I’m having to watch every dollar that comes in and out and I never have enough left over to save anything. It’s created a huge amount of stress trying to live on a small budget with two children. He has a well paying job, working for himself. He has a significant amount saved behind him. That isn’t to say I’m walking around with Prada handbags when I’m with him, but just having the peace of mind that I’m not going to fall short of money and have to borrow from family. Not having to worry about how high bills are going to be or working out whether I can afford to buy something I need. Since we’ve been back together, he’s also spoken of the prospect of us moving back to our country of origin in a few years (namely because he wants SD to be old enough when we leave). When we weren’t togwthe, that was completely off the cards and he said he would spend all his money preventing me from moving home with our kids. I finally feel like I have some control and say in how the future is going to play out. I get that a large part of me wanting to be with him is me being manipulative, and ordinarily I’m not. I came into the relationship with the best of intentions and completely enamoured by him. But now I’m a single mother and I need to survive. My children need a happy mother. I need to look after myself in order to do a good job looking after them. Not having a mother that is worn out and depressed. I also think to myself, if I were to end this now, he would find someone in a few months. He would get to have time to himself, a full nights sleep, go out with his friends and out for runs. What will my options be? I will be alone for a long time because no man is going to want to involve themselves into my situation with two babies. I will feel like I’m always paying the price and my partner will always be able to live as he pleases. I need to have some control back. I can’t keep living like this for however many years. I want us to go to couples therapy. I want SD to have counselling. I want BM to leave us alone. She knows what she is doing. I want clear boundaries and clear rules. Is this enough? Has this helped fixed your relationships?