Why are you doing most of the work, for kids that are not yours? Stop it.

You can be a part of their lives, I wouldn't try to be a significant part. It will backfire, you will get hurt and become resentful. They have 2 parents, let them parent. Your partner is the one who should be tending to his kids' needs, not you.

The kids are there to see their father, why are you doing most of the entertaining?

You are 24 years old, are you sure this is the life you want? Don't let his kids consume you. Do you work, have a career? Do you want kids of your own? What do you want in life?

But it's a thing. I'm in the same situation, be a friend, entertain, feed but don't teach or discipline, lest you become the evil stepparent and daddy's house it's the fun place anymore. 

Step back, be a passive caretaker, and have their father be an actual parent. 

As for the BM issues, it's best to not worry about what goes on at her house since it's out of your control and not really your business. Your partner's hesitancy to let you parent is all on him. 

This is the balancing act that has been the downfall of many a stepparent. I feel your pain.

I have been a stepmom for several years now. In the beginning we had SS 50/50 and I largely felt more like the fun Aunt rather than a parent. That worked ok at the time. Things changed eventually and SS is with us full time now. Because of this I have a full share in parenting and SS regards me as his parent. A couple of things I would encourage you to keep in mind:

1) not sure how long you've been doing this but building a relationship with step kids is a long slow process. In the beginning you're definitely more of just another adult in their life. As years go by you may possibly take on more of a parental figure status to them or you may not. It depends on each family, either way it won't happen quickly.

2) when you don't have the kids there very often your role will be smaller than somebody who sees them far more. Your role will probably always be smaller than their other stepparent who sees them on almost a daily basis. Don't compare because each household is different. Also what BM decides to do with SO may not necessarily be healthy or worthy of imitation.

3) finally, regardless of whether you were seen as a parent or not you are one of the 'adults in charge' while the kids are with you. They are in your home. Just like they have to listen to a teacher when they are in school, they should respect and listen to you when they are with you. Your partner should back you up on that. You don't have to be a parent to tell a child to stop running in the house or to pick up their dishes etc...  Even when I was not really 'parenting' my husband always made sure my stepson treated me with respect and followed any basic directions I gave him. I had a hand in creating the household rules that we expected SS to live by when he was with us even if DH was the one who actually metted out any punishments like grounding for example...

you should talk to your partner about what you both see as your role in all of this. Whatever type of label you might want to put on your role, in the end you can be a positive part of these kids lives.  Also talk about what kind of plan you both want to work towards for maintaining standards and discipline in your home while the kids are there. Successful families don't just happen, they take communication and effort to maintain.

best wishes 

Not your job to discipline someone's child. Bio parent should cook, clean, entertain, assist with homework, set rules, do wash, clean rooms. 

How much of your harded earned money is going into the houshold bills TO MAKE UP for child support he pays his ex? IF there is a child support order.

In that case... it is time to exclude your partner.... well .... from being  your parner.

Equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in their home/marriage regardless of kid biology.

Time to give your SO the come to Jesus discussion and boot his ass and his failed family spawn if he does not catch clarity.

smh

Kids in your home/marriage are yours to parent and discipline as you see fit. Since your DH does not parent and discipline to your standards then you do it. If he does not like it, he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU and have your back.

If only it was that simple. Some of these people use you and manipulate you into thinking you should adjust, and not them. You being a compassionate person submit. For the sake of the child, since you had a shit childhood too.

They wont allow you any decision or parenting, only dotting spending money or pampering emotionally.

In the end you hate them both.

Your situation is an exception. And I agree with you. I'm just pissed I didnt open my eyes earlier.

Been there, done that. Like the very many others have said, you can be involved but not as much as you are. Been with my partner for 13 years. Absolutely poured my heart and soul into his kids. Of course respected Mom and never tried to replace her. But treated his kids as if "they were my own" just like you read about and see on TV. Big mistake! I "expected" things in return that would be an automatic for any parent. Things like having a say in the schedule, rules in the house. Having a sense of gratitude for all that I do. I got none of it. And it's made me resentful. I wish I viewed it as being a "friend" earlier on. And learning to have proper expectations. Because at the end of the day we AREN'T blood and definitely not their parent. Step back, let Dad be Dad for his kids. And you can be the fun step-mom. I hope things get better for you. As someone that has been in it, it hasn't gotten better for me. But you're still early on and can maybe get a better outcome.

First off I'm so sorry you're going thru it. I like many others understand the pain. I have been with my SO for 13 years. We lived very far from his kids and only saw then on school breaks. I planned all the activities, went out of my way to plan things for birthdays and milestones. I genuinely love his kids. But I also distanced myself whenever they visited on breaks. Bc I wanted them to fully get their time with dad since it was only for a week or two every 3 months. 

We have just bought our first home and only a 30 minute drive from BM. So we get the kids more often. I too expected to be able to run my house with no pushback. Huge mistake. My SO doesn't like that I ask his kids to do things. He has guilt about not being there for his kids and wants to spoil them at my expense. 

We've only been in the house for a year but I'm not sure if we will make it another year. I'm barely hanging on. I've tried to put up boundaries. I split utility bills that I used to fully pay. I stopped doing the kids laundry and dishes. All while my SO refuses to parent them. I've asked to have his kids do chores and he refuses to enforce it. We've started couples therapy but it hasn't helped. If anything it's opened my eyes that he won't change 

All that is to say, if you can detach and get out, do it. He is showing you who he is and the type of parent he is. Start putting up boundaries and start doing things for you. That make you happy outside of him and the kids. It may make you realize that maybe you're giving more than you're getting, and it's not worth it. For me it hasn't gotten better with time, just much worse with forever growing resentment.