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It's truly Exhausting .... Step life

Sandybeaches's picture

Submitted by Sandybeaches on Wed, 06/16/2021 - 10:05am

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It's truly Exhausting .... Step life....  BM/the SK's/DH sometimes in-laws /families still connected... It seems at times the Step-mom is the only one trying to keep it together, annoyed or bothered by any of it and the odd person out!   It seems you can't change people, the are what they are and it is exhausting to try to change it.  You ever wondered what it would be like if you just stopped?  Stopped saying anything to DH the SK's, let BM twist her own web and just let it all go?  Would it be any different than constantly saying something and trying to get everyone on track? 

It's exhausting and I for one think I am ready to let the chips fall where they may..... thoughts?  

LittleCloud9's picture

Submitted by LittleCloud9 on Wed, 06/16/2021 - 10:14am

Repeat after me:

"Not my circus, not my monkeys."

You are correct: you can't change people and they will resent you for trying. Beyond trying to keep your marriage alive, you don't have to care

Read up on disengagement 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 06/16/2021 - 11:46am

I have disengaged pretty fully and its way more relaxing. I no longer do/care/keep things on track.

Its a total and utter relief.

Husband: "Bm is being a jerk to me"

ME: "hmmmmmmm"

Husband: "I need to pickup/drop off"

ME: "uuuuhhhh hmmmmm"

See how that goes? 

coolflames2's picture

Submitted by coolflames2 on Wed, 06/16/2021 - 3:46pm

I am going through the same thing with DH and his 12 year old twins and their mom. Can we be friends Smile

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Thu, 06/17/2021 - 5:19am

What helped me was learning how to change my own perspective. Instead of being an empathetic nurturer. Whenever something happened with SO or SKs I started looking at it differently. With that my emotional turmoil and stress went away.

With SO my stance when there is an issue with SKs or BM is: How are you planning on handling it? Then accepting whatever decision he makes and the impending consequences if that decision. Because, he is a grown up!

With SKs it's the same if they choose to make bad choices even if it's at the behest of BM. As far as I am concerned they made Thier choices and need to learn from them no matter the consequences.

SOs counselor said this the other day. You wake up and see that the sun is rising. You don't want the sun to rise today, but is there anything you can do to stop it? No. So do you just accept the situation and move on or do you spend your day upset and focused that things didn't happen the way you wanted them to?

For instance right now YSD is completely cut off from SO. I realize it is mostly because BM is forcing it, she has even taken her phone so she can't contact SO. I could feel ad about it. But instead I realize:

1. YSD did everything she could to get to BMs house when she was here. So now she got what she wanted even if it's not what she really wanted 

2. If YSD wanted to contact SO or see him she could. I have seen how persistent and ingenuitive she can be when she wants something. 

3. This is her life lesson to learn.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 06/17/2021 - 12:07pm

I applaud that  you have revised how you engage on these problems. Rather than empathize and nurture, you have chosen to identify who made the decisons that resulted in the learning moment outcome and let them live the consequeces of their choices.

I like it.

This is just my interpretation of course.

 

Disengageme's picture

Submitted by Disengageme on Sat, 07/10/2021 - 12:40am

At times I have stopped. Dh would never make ss11 pick up after himself nor believe he did any wrong so I disengaged. I still do until he starts with the you can't stand my son routine. I can't stand that because he has no rules at home he treats my home as a pig sty. Dh does make him shower when he gets here though because he hasn't bathed since he was here last time. I always try to go to my moms when he's here but dh does everything to stop me. I can't stand to stay here and watch him mess up my home. He lays on the couch glutting while my dh asks him to help with yard work. He may get five minutes of help.  So stopping hasn't helped me much but I do feel better when I leave. It's not my child and it's not my place to do all the disciplining and parenting.