Attempting to blend
Hi. My BF and I have talked about marriage after being together for close to two years. We are both divorced and have school aged kids. We took a road trip and his son was asked by me not to sit in the middle row until the people in the back got in so no one is climbing over people and so no one gets hurt. I kept reminding him. He would not move. My son asked him politely to move so he could get it and he said no. My boyfriend wasn't in the car or aware what was happening. I should have addressed it right there. I was trying to figure out why. The child is 12. Once we got back I told my BF and he said he will handle it when the opportunity presents itself. I feel this is something where ias parents we need to correct our child in a loving way or model appropriate behavior. Weeks have gone in and it still hasn't been addressed. Am I asking for too much. I feel he doesn't have my back and doesn't support me. Maybe I should respect his methods. He did comment his child learned to act that way because of his mom. I understand kids will act a certain way and make mistakes. Now my son has the attitude I would rather be around kids that show kindness. He is willing to go to therapy. I'm at the point that he justifies his child's behavior and ignores what happened. He was upset what his child did but hasn't addressed it. Any thoughts?
Why couldn't you just tell
Why couldn't you just tell him - "are you deaf? Get out of the car so he can get in." I don't understand the constant tiptoeing around skids. How would you have handled that if it was your kid? That is how you should have handled it with his.
I agree with you. I should
I agree with you. I should have handled it differently. I asked him to get up but he refused. The point now is the dad not saying anything. Am I expecting too much.
It's too late to address it
It's too late to address it though. The kid probably won't even remember it happening. Let it go, you'll have something else to deal with in a few. Give it time.
I mentioned it previously to
I mentioned it previously to him I should have told him to get out. My bf did not like that.
There you have it
Time to have a good honest discussion on what yours and his expectations are regarding childrens behavior and discipline.
Read more on here about disney dads and their hellion children.
I love how it's the mother's
I love how it's the mother's fault that the kid didn't move, lol. Talk about passing the buck.
I'd refuse to take the kid anywhere alone, or even be alone with him unless DH is going to discipline for oppositional behavior.
Letting it go
I get that. But I think the issue I'm having now is with the dad not showing support. There was a previous issue that I tried to handle and dad was aware and took awhile to address.
Not having your back
Not backing you up as a united team is one of the biggest issues that we all see. Read the different posts on here, it will enlighten you further on this issue.
This goes deeper than the one incidence. Its actually too late if you wait a day - kids dont have that kind of retention - they move on quickly. The deeper issue is that you are his partner and as such need to be respected as an adult in your household.
Next time - absolutely say something. Stop everything until it is resolved because it gets worse not better.
SD22 Feral Forger used to do "things" when Husband wasnt around. This was a while ago but I remember things. She would say or do things when Husband was somewhere else. Then when I said something, and brought H into it she would recant and deny. Then it was her word against mine and if he stood up for me (as the adult in the household) then it became "your choosing your GF/Live in/Wife over your own child!!!!"
If not corrected now, it will cascade into bigger things.
Hold off on marriage until you work through this issue.
Hold off on marriage until you work through this issue. You said, "I feel he doesn't have my back and doesn't support me." That is not a good way to feel about your potential husband. Since he is willing to try therapy - go for it and see if it helps.
Next time if child says "no"
Next time if child says "no" or refuses to cooperate, stop all activities (ex: getting into car/loading car) until Dad is present. Don't argue w/ kid, don't order him, just tell your kids that "we'll all wait to get in until x,y,z is here" if BF asks why no one's in simply look at his son and wait for him to tell Dad.
Honestly, THIS is the best
Honestly, THIS is the best approach for this type of behavior. I saw below that the kid now claims he was "joking".. we will never know that now.. but in the moment.. you and your kids should have all stayed outside the car and waited for his dad to arrive. Then he could have either dug his hole deeper... or complied at that point.
If this had happened when you had him with you without dad present for some reason and he refused a request from the adult in charge.. he would lose the ability to be allowed to go with you without dad being present. Simply, "since your son will not respect my authority, I am not comfortable being in charge of him without you with us. He will not be able to stay at home without you here.. and won't be able to go with me if you can't also go."
Addressing it after the fact.. especially any longer than a day after the fact for this kind of insubordination just doesn't work. It might not have merited a huge punishment at the time, but certainly an immediate reprimand with a returned understanding that the child knows what they did was wrong and says "im sorry" would be appropriate.. then move on with the day. stretching it out like this.. isn't effective and puts a negative pall over a much longer time than necessary.
If a child says no response
I know better. I did tiptoe. I should have said we aren't going anywhere until you move. This is a learning experience for sure.
Am I expecting too much.
Am I expecting too much.
No, you are not expecting too much.
Kids know what they can get away with and with whom. He may have learned how to be an ass from BM and he might get away with it when he's with her, but he should know better than to act that way with other people. Sounds like he knows he can get away with it when he's with his dad, since his dad does not address it.
I doubt that your BF was upset at what his kid did (or he would handle it), just upset that you expect him to do something about it.
I would be in no hurry to blend families. I would not subject myself, nor my child, to his brat.
"Once we got back I told my
"Once we got back I told my BF and he said he will handle it when the opportunity presents itself" RED FLAG!
"Weeks have gone in and it still hasn't been addressed" RED FLAG!
"He did comment his child learned to act that way because of his mom." RED FLAG!
"I mentioned it previously to him I should have told him to get out. My bf did not like that." RED FLAG!
"There was a previous issue that I tried to handle and dad was aware and took awhile to address." RED FLAG!
RED FLAGS mean stop, do not proceed, do not pass go and do not collect on that enabling daddy train.
Absolutely these are red
Absolutely these are red flags-since it's only a couple years I would move on honestly. You don't have that much invested.
His excuse that it's per BM's fault is a typical disney dad that is a lazy parent- we have tons of them on this board-it's like they read from the same manual to answer us when we address concerns.
"I'll talk to them" and they never do or they sugarcoat it or downplay it and give zero consequences. My SD was an absolutely brat horrid child. She bullied my kids (I intervened there for sure) would answer back, disobey, demand special treatment, we didn't get married until she was 18 and moved out/on w/her life. Well reality is she moved out at 16 to my MIL's house after breaking rules here repeatedly. My dh has just been given custody due to bm's drug use a few months prior. I told my dh no way in hell would she live here and do what she pleased when she pleased w/no rules or restrictions- MIL bitched at having her and that I wouldn't but also bitched about her doing whatever she wanted. She brought hordes of friends to stay over at MIL's-used her food, her utilities, etc had boyfriends move in-all things I guess MIL expected us to accept-even though the rules were totally different for my same aged sons. I don't think so.
I'd suggest live apart and consider moving forward when the kid reaches older age IMO.
Asking SS to move is not discipline
You are the adult, and you are telling to move his rear. If you get back talk. That will need discipline. And should be handier off . Unless it just must be done on the spot? No phone and ask for it.
Nope, immediate confrontation
Nope, immediate confrontation of this kind of kid behavioral crap is a non negotional IMHO. You corrent the rude irritating immediately and if he goes to daddy, jack his shit for the kid cycle through the parents to get what they want crap.
Observe, correct, move on. Lather, rinse, repeat.
We all know that your DH will not find the right situation to address the behavior.
"Get your ass out of the car, let the back seaters get in, then once everyone is sitting in their spot you can take the middle seat that you like. If you do this again, you will get strapped to the luggage rack and won't get a seat (pick your own colorful teaching moment message to get your point across)."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If the irritating Skid pulls this crap again he will no longer get to pick what seat he wants and will take whatever seat he is told to take or is left after everyone else takes the seat that he really wants.
Good luck with this one.
I would often get into those
I would often get into those altercations with SD with the seats. She thought she should NEVER have to take the middle seat- she would pout argue and I would tell her off. There was one time we went to an amusement park, she would always take off and she was only around 11, she did it an earlier age-just take off and we were left looking for her. I eventually stopped caring. So after making us wait to leave because she was off doing her thing- she throwed the tantrum about the middle seat. I asked my younger son to take it and told her she would pay the consequences if she kept it up. I didn't take her anywhere with us for a VERY long time after. By this point she had tantrumed about not taking the middle seat over a dozen times-like somehow she was special and shouldn't have to take turns.
I have to say she's not as rotten now that she's older but man as a kid she was just absolutely deplorable, it was like a living hell when she visited-she was just vile.
He confronted his son
He confronted his son yesterday and yes the child remembered the incident.He told him he needs to do what he is told by me. The son commented he was joking and he felt bad. That does not sit well with me; joking? Does he feel bad because he was called out on it - I guess that doesn't matter. I am glad he spoke to his son but it was so late and the damage is done and has opened my eyes to keeping our households seperate. I have my child with me and things are pretty calm and we mesh well together just the two of us. Adding the choas with other kids, I just do not know. I apprecaite everyone's advice. The one thing that I do notice with my BF he does the opposite of his ex because he feels she is so extreme and that is ot going to benefit anyone. For instance, he doesn't think it is necessary for his kids to clean up beacuse his ex has the kids cleaning so much. If I only married well initally.
I have musch to consider.
JK
In my experience the "I was just joking" is something that these kids say when called out on bad behavior. It took me a while to see the writing on the wall. When my SD started acting horrible at age 14, I realized just how little my DH had my back. As the days, weeks, years progressed, I got the picture 100 percent. At age 16, the SD made a tiktok video in which she said that I ruined "the family." When called out on it, she said "it was just joke" and only her "friends were supposed to see it." Great apology right?. The "just joking" thing is a sign of bad parenting all the way around in my opinion. When the brand new car was taken away for a whole four days and she was forced to apologize to my face, that didn't go down without complete drama from her and her mother or DH for that matter. I was called a piece of sh@! by her mother and SD told her father her mom told her she didn't have to apologize. DH needled me the whole week to allow him to give the car back - regardless of getting an apology because she's just "too immature." It's just bad parenting from the parents. They get what they groomed. When I look back from day one, I can see now what trouble she was due to the way DH, mother, grandparents responded to her bad behavior. Stay away from that kid but set your boundaries and don't take crap from him. If your BF doesn't like it, or anyone else for that matter, so what. Life is too short to be treated like garbage by people who supposedly love you. Good luck and much happiness to you!
I'm glad your BF talked with
I'm glad your BF talked with him. Better late than never. But there's a red flag. You said he does opposite of BM. If BM is making sure kids are cleaning up she is teaching them not to be slobs which is good IMO, so BF should be supporting that. Sounds like he might have issues with co-parenting and wanting to be the "good guy " that let's the kid do anything.