It seems to me that your husband has made his choice,  and it is his daughters over you. That leaves you with a choice - your marriage and a life of dysfunction, drugs, chaos, exclusion and retirement struggles, or leaving your husband. I know which I'd choose.

Edited to add: if your adult children are aware of even a fraction of what this man and his kids have put you through, and of what your husband is asking of you now, I'm not sure why they'd be "heartbroken" over the two of you splitting up.

Please don't feel embarrassed or humiliated - you are not the problem here, your husband is. He has allowed his daughters to insult you, disrespect you and never had your back. I'm surprised you have lasted as long as you have. He's been throwing money at them forever and now wants to spend his retirement funds on raising their offspring and just expects you to tag along? DO NOT DO IT! If I were you, I'd put the house up for sale, pay off the mortgage, recoup what you can of your investment but FIRST see a pitbull divorce lawyer or two to find out exactly where you stand. Your husband is deciding on the rest of your life for you - why don't you take those decisions into your own hands? 

Anyone in your situation would be upset. His 2 kids were raised horribly, and he is wanting to step in as a surrogate father for one of their kids now?! The cycle will repeat, as he is one if the people who raised his children to be the way they are. I have no advice but i do have sympathy. 

This is a heartbreak.

The day my DH announced he was doing something so major, whether I liked it or not, would be the first step toward a life on his own. I could NOT do what your DH is asking you to do.

Is working through this with a marriage counselor a possibility? If not, or if he won't budge from his current position, I'd protect myself and my financial health. Separate your finances, don't allow him access to any of your assets, and get an exit plan together. If HE can issue an ultimatum about his life, you can issue one about yours.

Start talking to divorce attorneys NOW. Get several consultations. You want clarity on what you should and shouldn't do so that you are prepared to act in your own best interest when necessary. Your husband isn't protecting you from trauma and financial hardship, so you must. You simply must.

I'm sorry, but someone who truly loved and valued you would not spend your life's savings on his kids, and tell you to "get over it" after his kids treated you so abusively.  

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You still have 10+ years to work and save aggressively for retirement without his adult-babies and grandkid weighing you down.  Would one of your adult kids let you live with them for a bit so you can get on your feet?

Even if you don't leave, you will be working until you are 80 at this rate.  At the very, very least, start putting away money separate from him, that he can't spend on his toxic kids or the grandkid.

Leave. Get as much as you can from your estate and life in peace. This situation will kill you from the stress.

It does not appear your marriage is a give and take scenario but more of an all or nothing. Do you realistically think that you can continue on in this marriage and not become destitute, ill and mentally unstable?

If one of your grown children came to you and presented all of these issues with their spouse what would your advice be to them?

There is no requirement that you forgive someone who is not sorry and has not changed. 
You have given a lot to this family. I wish your husband appreciated that. You should come before his children or grandchildren. It's wrong of him to sacrifice you (the one who didn't take advantage of him) for his drug addict kids. I can't believe he wanted to keep contact with them! Tell him he cannot have it both ways. Whatever he may wish was true the facts are you are not some big happy family and these problems will not go away because a baby is born to a drug addicted mother! Go visit your own children and let the foolish and evil keep each other company.

im so sorry for you

hugs!
 

You may love him deeply (no judgment here) BUT it is not reciprocated AT ALL.

Leave before all your money is spent on his wife/daughter and grandchild.

My story isnt the same as yours, but our (mine is an ex now thank flipping gawd) DH's are very much alike. When push comes to shove your opinion, your safe place, your RETIREMENT, DOES NOT MATTER.

Do not feel humiliated, embarrassed just get a dang good lawyer. HUN this will be a very sad life for you if you stay. Not to mention the false abuse claims. 

Yes, the expected baby is innocent, but you are no more responsible for him/her than you are responsible for the baby who lives next door or down the street. SD needs to figure out how she is going to support this child. 

If DH is planning to support SD and baby until he dies, than your retirement will be sparse. All of DH's resources will be directed at them and not retirement. You need to see a lawyer, at the very minimum to figure out what happens if DH dies before you. Will you be stuck paying bills that DH has run up for SD? 

You may love this guy, but you should love yourself more. Love does not mean you should not put yourself first.

A true friend, who loves you deeply, would not want to put you through this. He is putting your emotional, physical, and financial well being at risk. And for what? Ungrateful kids who don't care if their father goes broke or can never retire because of them and their selfishness.

Why does he get to decide that he WILL be bringing his daughters to the home, after what they have put you through? Shows that he has no respect for you. And, you should not have to leave your home so that your abusers can enter it.

I get that parents love their kids and want to help them, even through adulthood, but at some point they have to cut the cord and let them stand on their own two feet and do for themselves. At some point, the parent gets to do what's in their own best interest, and that of their spouse.

At your ages, your money should be going to fund your retirement, paying off the mortgage sooner (another 15 years? Yikes), becoming debt free, or whatever else you want, but not racking up more debt for selfish adult offspring.

I know that you want to stay married but I would at least consult with some attorneys (as suggested) so that you are prepared to protect yourself, if it comes to that. It might give you some peace of mind, some feeling of control over the situation. Like someone else said, be prepared to issue your own demands about what you want, and don't want, in your life.

Yourself, cuz nobody else will...to quote one of my fav songs.

Your sds sound like narcissists. My recent ex had 23 yo triplets when I married him, who had been so spoiled all their lives that they feel the world owed them homage. The one who lived with us for a while admitted how good she was at playing with people's emotions and she thought that was oh so funny.

Same types of things you are going thru plus. With the help of this group and domestic violence I finally got out in Dec and now am divorced. The freedom is healing! The PEACE is something I will never take for granted again.

Don't tell hubby your plans (he will tell his mini wives). If they know you are leaving they could really pour on their wrath.

Start saving money. Quietly remove anything of value to you especially important papers...maybe ask one of your kids to keep your stuff til you get out. Domestic violence 800# in usa is free and helpful...some do free counseling etc.

Your husband is abusing you through his kids by not defending you. He may say he loves you, but actions reveal truth.

You can do this! It is soooo worth it. 

The day I left, (I had already snuck out the most essential things I needed... ) I threw an envelope with the house key, garage door opener, note telling him I sent him an email onto his driveway. He was expecting me to come home after work.

I blocked him on social media n only took emails from him because discussions were over. I lived with a friend he didn't know cuz I didn't need stalking. I didn't need my car messed with. Now I live with my brother and have healed a lot just by ghosting and blocking him. Most communication was thru email so there'd be proof if he was nasty in case I needed it (learn to gray rock...no emotion...in your communication with him...so he can't use anything YOU say against you)

Not hearing his voice or seeing him stalk me gave me time to rest n heal. Took me a month to calm down (hyperviligance from being in constant stress) and 4 months away to feel much better, focused on my life away from him. I think I was able to release the trauma bond faster than I thought due to very low contact. And only replying to his hoover attempts, you must forgive Bible verses, guilt...how could you leave when my son just suicided, etc etc with non emotion....which is hard...but I had to get to the point where I reviewed the crap he allowed to happen to me, what he did to me...and I knew I had to keep things a clean break.

I was married 5 months before I filed for divorce, came back cuz he started making changes, things got worse n I had to just up n leave, no discussion. We just divorced one year n one month after we married.  

This group helped me a lot...

Best to you. Keep your eyes on the good n PEACEFUL life that awaits you!! Focus on your kids! Think of new hobbies or visits to your kids...give yourself incentive to get out of hell. Peace is worth more than gold

Take care of you

You have sacrificed so much for this man and his kids with the hope of one day having a future together. That doesn't look like that is the case.

You don't owe anyone any apologies. It doesn't look like you will have any life if your own if you don't do it for yourself. 

It's time to leave this situation and take half of what you can get, get yourself a small place if your own and put this behind you. I'm sorry but a life of servitude to kids that aren't even yours is no life at all 

Sounds as if you married beneath you. Once you free yourself of that millstone and his never-ending trash reality show, you'll rise and rise some more.

Sally, this doesn't sound like love to me at all. He seems to be saying his messed up kids, and his soon-to-be messed up grands need to come first. After 7 years of marriage, that must hurt a lot! They were allowed to abuse you in crazy ways and now he wants you to welcome them back?? He is putting their needs/wants before your own retirement security??? This is NOT love, this is a man who has an unhealthy need to please his failed children, a man who is likely to enable the dysfunction for a new generation as well. It would be so depressing to have a front row seat to those lives for the rest of your own life. I hope you can get out, focus on yourself and your own wonderful family and friends. Make yourself a happy, healthy future. I hope you do!

Time to reply to DH with "No, your ill behaved progeny and their progeny will not have a place in MY home that I share with MY husband.  I must be notified a week or more ahead of their arrival and they may stay a maximum of 8 hours if they arrive by 10AM.  Any arrival time after 10AM reduces their time in MY home hour for hour."

The continued consistent massage has to focus on the behaviors of the toxic spawn.  The "you need to forgive and forget" crap are the whinings of a crappy parent, a crappy mate, and a generally crappy person.

IMHO of course.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. LEAVE.

Make a plan, and put it into action. You have to do this, for your sanity and your financial protection in retirement.

Your husband has clearly shown that he has no consideration for YOU and your future. Now that his daughter is pregnant, and looking to him to be her "partner" in raising her child (ughh!!!!) you can kiss goodbye to any hopes of a comfortable and happy retirement in your own home. Just the statement "my husband is not backing down" made me so angry for you.

Please start organising things - lawyer, house sale etc. When all the shit is dealt with, and you are set up in a nice little place of your own you will look back on this and think about how lucky you were to escape the toxicity.

So glad you are reading and heeding the advice on this forum... Once you stand up - you will set new standards for the entire family - even if it feels impossible.  Abuse will only stop when exposed to Sunlight, Truth and Intolerance.  Be THAT woman who stopped this behavior from continuing for generations.  Or - get the HELL down the road and never look in the rear view mirror at the DELIVERANCE you've been living in!!  God Bless, Sister!