BM told DH that SD14 wants to identify as male
She had said in the last couple years she likes girls and now told BM she can't call her her daughter and that's why they've been fighting over there. I don't even know what to think about this or how/ if to reach out to SD. She hasn't texted me back since I told her to make it work at BM's or she's staying with us until 18 if she decides to come back here.
It really always is something with them. I told DH that BM still has to love SD and treat her like her kid. When SD wanted to get a pixie cut from long hair, BM and SF told her she'd never get a job and would look like a boy. Wtf? The cherry on top is BM got a pixie cut when we saw her in March so she's just a hypocrite shitty person.
We think SD just wants to feel different/ get attention/ feel accepted and DH also thinks she may be encouraged by her friends. SD isn't very open with me besides small talk. Maybe SD is trying to make BM reject her so she can cry wolf and come back here? It's always something but I don't think SD really wants to be here, either. Just earlier this year after winter break, SD said she had ADD and I assume has been untreated and is now transgender..
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I would just play along it's
I would just play along it's definitely a trend but I can't judge I was attracted to men who teased their hair, wore makeup and spandex.
Right?
In the eighties, I dated guys who wore more makeup and jewelry than I did, and took longer to style their hair than me.
There is a bit of social
There is a bit of social contagion around kids saying they are transgender nowadays, in my opinion - especially girls. These girls often seem to have other mental health and family issues as well. I've done some research on it, as well as seeing it every day in my work. I think many girls are trying to get away from feeling the pressures of being a girl, but also it gives them a new identity that feels better than the one they've been struggling with. That's not to say some kids aren't truly transgender, but IMO, all these kids say they are, aren't, necessarily.
I hope SD is in therapy.
But how do you differentiate
But how do you differentiate between the kids who are and aren't? And how do you support girls and women (and boys and men) who don't want to be confined by the gender roles and norms assigned to their sex?
Not being transgender doesn't mean there isn't discomfort with gender roles, just like sexuality isn't just gay or straight. I do understand what you're saying that someone who is uncomfortable in their own skin with the identity and issues they currently have will identify as something else because that makes life easier/helps put a name to what they feel is wrong with them/gives them that transformation feeling that they're looking for. However, it seems ill-advised to ignore gender as a contributing factor?
I 100% agree that OP's SK need mental health help, but I don't think it should come at the expense of negating their feelings about gender unless they themselves determine it no longer applies.
We don't ignore or negate it.
We don't ignore or negate it. But we also don't take it as the primary issue and recommend that they be put on HRT, as is the practice at another local health care system. We use their preferred pronouns and call them their preferred name, and work on all the issues.
I am all for people exploring gender, but I am not for putting confused kids on hormones. There is a trend right now, and we do have to root out what is what. I know that puts me out of favor with many, but tough shit. 12-year-olds shouldn't decide to take hormones on their own.
Completely Agree
When the medical and surgical interventions start is the problem.
Trans activists say it's life saving because of the high rate of suicides. But many if these kids present with other issues it makes sense to allow the exploration to happen with therapy only until the person is at least 18.
I told DH she needs to be in
I told DH she needs to be in regular therapy for sure and definitely no HRT.
First we have to accurately
First we have to accurately identify who genuinely has gender dysphoria, and that's the hard part. It seems there are social media influencers pushing hormones and giving kids ideas of how to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis.
We also have kids going to inpatient units and then coming out saying they are transgender. There has always been social contagion around stuff with kids, especially struggling ones with mental health issues.
As far as the gender issues
As far as the gender issues go, i do think it's a trend and not all kids who say they identify as trans really are. However, it does make it easier for those who actually do, to have it be generally accepted. And for those it's just a phase for, they can outgrow the phase with little drama, as long as the changes are behavioral or cosmetic.
I do agree, though, that physical (surgery) or chemical (hormones) alterations to the body are more permanent and those decisions should only be made by adults. Those surgeries are very serious and have the potential for severe complications. Even the hormones, when taken before puberty has finished, can permanently affect the reproductive system.
This is what I'm thinking. I
This is what I'm thinking. I offered to get her ADD treatment when she was here but she moved back quickly so I assumed BM was getting that help. I doubt she is since she "works so much" (35-40 hours/ week). So many stories I've read about transgender people is that the mental health issues go way deeper than the gender you identify as.
SD has always hated being "girly" and hates her period, which I think makes her resent being a girl the most.
Bratty
Bratty was older when she wanted different pronouns but always dressed somewhat girly. Does your SD have friends who have recently identified as trans?
Im sure. She definitely had
Im sure. She definitely had gay/ bi/ lesbian friends the last couple years.
Just 2 things (unrelated to
Just 2 things (unrelated to gender):
As for your SD wanting to identify as male, I wouldn't do anything in particular other than letting the situation unfold to see what happens. If she comes to you about it, be kind and understanding and just listen.
DH wants her to come to him
DH wants her to come to him but doesn't think she will because "she already knows how he feels." He feels that way because to him, it's being something you're not. And from what I've seen, mental health needs to be addressed first, especially because SD said it was ADD earlier this year. Being a boy won't help her pass high school unless she actually does the work and has a more positive attitude toward everyone.
OP, you have no idea if what
OP, you have no idea if what SK and BM are saying is true or not. If SK is trans, they need support. If SK is not trans, then offering support won't have hurt.
Now, what SK actually needs is a parent to help them figure out what is happening in their brain box, and your DH needs to ensure that his child is safe. Did he do anything to follow up on SL's claims that they were being abused? Is DH in contact with their school? Is DH asking about mental health care from BM? Is DH seeking out legal advice?
Here's what I know having lived it: my YSS had the means and the plan to kill himself because he didn't feel empowered to speak up and express what he needed and wanted to ET. He didn't think she'd listen, and he didn't think DH would do anything about it. My YSS is alive today because ET can't actually parent and relies on DH for the hard stuff, and it scared the sh*t out of DH that YSS was ready to end it all.
Your DH is playing a dangerous game with his kid. His kid choosing to go back to BM may not have truly been her own want. They may have thought they had no choice since DH hasn't stood up to BM in the past about it. Your SK may feel trapped in a dysfunctional style, and they'll either yeet themselves from it, succumb to it, or be molded by it.
Now, does that mean DH drives 600 miles and picks up SK and brings them to your home? Not necessarily. It does, however, mean that DH is in contact with the school about his concerns. It does mean DH talks to an attorney about how he can ensure SK has access to mental health services, even those that are available online. It does mean he takes BM to task and holds her accountable. It does mean he has the ability to take SK should they need it, even if they don't want it.
Some kids have mental health issues because they're born with them. Many have them, though, because of the environment they're raised in. How you handle this and how DH handles this may be very different, but if the focus is on SK, your DH has to do better OR drop the reigns entirely. It's unfair to you that you're the one dealing with text messages and offering words of encouragement. That is not your role, and if your DH cannot step up to the plate to handle this, then you have to stop letting it invade your head space. You can't help here, other than to offer encouragement to SK like you would any other kid.
DH told me SD hasn't said
DH told me SD hasn't said anything to him and he doesn't always trust BM, obviously. He thinks it's out of our control due to distance and BM doing whatever she wants regardless because she has 100% legal authority (not true he still has 50%). He said SD won't talk to him about it but he also said we don't know the full story.. And he's done his part by trying to keep her here.
Two thoughts came to mind:
Two thoughts came to mind: your DH needs to have one on one time w/ his child and he needs to gently bring up topics like this and then really listen to her.
And: no matter what this child needs to be in counselling, regular weekly counselling. Either for this new alleged wish of her's or because of it. No matter what, counselling is a must.
I agree but DH says he can't
I agree but DH says he can't force them to do that from here. He also said that he just wants her to be happy and offered to fly her up here next week but "she has some weird attachment with the situation there." But she also doesn't have friends here and I know that's a reason I never moved the exact same move when I was her age. My mom always wanted me to choose to live with her and I never did because it was simply too drastic for high school.
Whether she is or isn't or is
Whether she is or isn't or is just exploring, I understand that it can be overwhelming for her and the rest of you as well. I do agree with those who said it is a trend- it could be that more people are just coming out publicly but it seems like daily some new star or tic toker is now non-binary. To each their own.
I will say that I have a friend whose daughter said she was non-binary and after some thought her and her husband disabled youtube and tic tok from her (13 yrs old). Within a couple of weeks it was never brought up again. They are still sending her to counseling but the counselor has told them that the gender questions have stopped on their own.
She could be feeling this way with gender or sexual preference, should could just have other feelings and this is a way to express that she is feeling "different" is whatever that means to her. All we can do as parents is support and get them some help to let them express themselves safely.
Ughh, the trendy "I'm
Ughh, the trendy "I'm different" in young people is really nothing new. Back in the day it was trendy to be gay, everyone coming out, young un's and then as they aged not a hint of even bi-sexual preference lol. It was trendy. Then it was transgender that became trendy, now it's the ridiculous 'non-binary' and 83 plus genders and cis this, them/they pronouns. I honestly don't know what I feel about this non-binary BS.....transgender is a WHOLE other ballgame imo and very legitimate in the minute portion of population this happens in- the 'trendy' ones are idiots that are hurting the cause for true transgender people.
Young people love to re-invent things, anything to make them feel unique, special, different then the rest of the boring hetero world. Then they become us down the road. Nothing new about this, it's just whatever is trending at the moment.
Again, I believe being gay/bi/lesbian is very true to life, as is transgender....the rest I honestly have my own feelings about that I"m sure are frowned on but ....just as they want to believe they are different for being cis-male...just means your MALE ffs.
I think, what that is worth
That SD loves drama. And wants her own way. With playing wack a mold, between you and BM.
First if she wants to identify as male. There is nothing you can do about that. She is almost an adult.
There no need for SD to move back to you. BM must deal with it. You know if she move back to you, she will just move back to BM the first fight you have with her.
Your main problem is she is 600 miles away and DH can not parent from 600 miles. I have seen many young kids go from liking girls to wanting kids and getting married to have a familys. I went through that, I can count on two hands the number of woman going from a girl with girl relationship, to a husband and kids.
You must disengage from all of this or you will go crazy and everyone else (SD) will wonder why you are nuts. Just let DH handle it. Make sure SD stays with BM, or your home will turn into the flop motel. With SD and her girlfriend will be living with you.
So my BD15 and all of her
So my BD15 and all of her friends refer to themselves as lesbian, bisexual, and non-binary. Only one of them identifies as trans and dresses as a boy and gets called a boys name. So far I have never seen any of them date (boys or girls) when talking they call each other she/her and they mostly talk about anime and how hot this character is or that character is (spoiler alert, all the characters they think are hot are male).
When BD15 is around her dance friends there is no talk of her being bi, or lesbian or non-binary.
Yes, this is another part of
Yes, this is another part of it. Kids who have never ever even kissed anyone, male or female, are trying to pigeonhole themselves into a specific sexuality at a very young age - again, because everyone is doing it and it's cool to do so. They are pansexual or demisexual or asexual when they've never even been sexual at all, period, with anyone but themselves (if that, for some of them).