Took the advice...and here's how it went, folks
I told Husband that he would not be able to leave B/M SD14 at home alone, either he takes her or drops her off with her mother, Toxic Troll.
His reaction was to rage out at me and yell "this is her home too and she can stay if she wants, or you can get the fuck out"
Then, for further emphasis "If you dont like it, I want a divorce, I just want out, I want a divorce, I want out"
I wrote everything down and he signed it as a record, because too many times things are redacted and "no I did not say that".
He left. I told B/M that she needed to call her mother, because of harrassment accusations, she doesnt need to be alone with me, especially since she "despises me", she would really be much happier with her mother, since her father went to a hotel.
Yeah, I know. My bad. At that point I was divorced in my head.
She stated she does not want a divorce to happen, her mother lied about me being despised, she wants me to stay. Same old BS as many other times. Its like my old blogs all over again. Yep, when will I learn.
She called her father because I was insisting she needs to be with her mother at this point. Harrassment accusations. She said "I never accused you of harrassing me" (well gee yes you did to your father and then showed this to your mother, who texted your father). Further discussion with her and it was a re-hash of "you were mean to me when you stated you were disappointed with me, you never did anything to help me, I didnt respond to you because you were RUDE and passive-aggressive". Ok, well you have your views and I have mine.
Her father told her he cannot handle the continual back and forth toxicity with her mother and her. Finally - he said it.
And he said"no I do not want a divorce."
He came home.
He slept. I did not. I am no longer worried about being alone with her in my house and I will not hide nor avoid being alone. Accusations be darned I dont give a sh!t anymore. Accuse all you want.
Calling a divorce attorney today, to see what the options are going forward.
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Comments
Wow. I am speechless at his
Wow. I am speechless at his reaction.
Not at all surprised that you are the bad guy for actually wanting boundaries and not being willing to just act like nothing happened.
I was too.
Last weekend he was fine with taking her.
He acted like he understood. It made perfect sense to me. TT wants to work on her kids education, well have at it! B/M wants daddy bonding time, well you go on then.
He does admit to having anger issues and hes showing himself to be ruled by temper rages which he then redacts on. Its his pattern. I dont discuss it much here, as Gimlet has noticed, I rarely place blame where it should be - on his shoulders squarely.
I blame him completely. B/M is not to blame here.
Right - he was "indulging"
Right - he was "indulging" you for a week, figured it would all blow over.
That escalated fast. Is this
That escalated fast. Is this the first time he has mentioned divorce or has he used it in previous arguments?
Yes, many times
Especiall after this last bit.
Throwing that statement
Throwing that statement around in such a manner is no different than threatening suicide. You should treat it the exact same way, take it seriously.
Either someone means it when they drop the divorce bomb or they just meant to very intentionally treat you like shit in order to get what they want.
Personally, I'd rather it be the first scenario.
Correlation does not imply causation. No excuse for his treatment of you. He thinks nothing of dragging you down rather than lifting you up. Understand that is a decision he makes, for his own comfort. He chooses to hurt you, to damage you, rather than inconvenience himself with the circumstances of his own making.
Fuck. That.
You deserve better than this.
You are worth more than this.
He forgets, or never really
He forgets, or never really understood, that our spouse our partner is just that a partner. Not a whipping post, not a target when he gets angry. Not a built in babysitter. Not a doormat to wipe feet on. A partner, someone to be beside you as you deal with life. Not someone to take over and handle then attack when things go sideways.
I do not wish divorce on you. But he reverted and so did she and I do think she holds some blame. You saw the words she typed, she can't pretend she didn't. She is similar to him, blame everyone else when expected to deal with the shit they caused.
They're both mad now because it worked for them for you to do all and then be a punching dummy when things didn't go to their liking. You are having the audacity to say you are no longer willing to be a part of this disfunctional chain they have. In their minds you should just accept their lies and get back to being their bitch. Good for you for saying "hell to the no"
His choices are based on fear
His choices are based on fear. Who does he fear upsetting more? And somewhere at the bottom on the list is CLove. As other posters have observed, his emotional maturity seems quite stunted and all the toxic emotions from dealing with TT's family circus needs an outlet, a safe outlet. Hence the rage directed at whoever's at the bottom of the fear list.
I've been there. We're still a work in progress. Emotional maturity and understanding of healthy family dynamics don't happen overnight. But the first thing I did was put myself right at the top of the fear list. The person DH had better fear upsetting the most is ME.
I agree with this. I went
I agree with this. I went through this with SO in the beginning. When I started pointing stuff out he would get all mad and be like "what do you want me to do??!!??? Battle with me ex wife?!!?" Like yeah dude... I do actually.
I remember one time (when she used to take them EOWE) we went out to eat. She was picking the boys up later because they were going to the football game. So we are out and his phone starts ringing... I look at him and said ignore. Rings again, and again, 6 times BM called. I could see all over his face the nervousness because he didn't answer the phone. He finally answer and you know what she wanted? She was sitting in our driveway (clearly we were out) waiting for SS17 (14 at the time) he wasn't home yet, his phone was dead and she wanted to know if SO had any of his friend's phone numbers. Like 6 f'n phone calls for that??! The best part while he was on the phone with her SS17(14) rolled up on his bike. Whopping 5 minutes late.
He had no idea the lack of boundaries in his life with BM. He did everything out of fear of her.
So I started questioning him with who do you not want to make upset BM or me? Because to me it appears that you do everything to please her and could careless about how I feel and how these situations affect me?
He finally got it. Clearly took me awhile but, here we are now.
And we have what I call the 7 levels of boundary stomping hell
this is the ...I will get enraged at you..threaten divorce in hopes you will back down and give me what I want.
Next level..I'm sorry..I have issues...forgive me..I will do better...blah, blah, blah,
Next level..look I'm doing better....I've done all the things...can you just watch SD.....please....pretty please...
If the answer is no....now we will get to
You don't like SD..you never liked her..your a horrible SM..
and it goes on and on.
Your DH really wants everything to go back to they way it was...he skipped off to do whatever while you worried and took care of SD. He has no desire to make any changes as the above benefited him.
Only you know if your ready to walk away from that dysfunction...but no one would blame you for leaving that circus. Like I said..not your circus..not your monkey.
Yep, this, OR, stay firm with
Yep, this, OR, stay firm with the boundaries and let DH know that if he ever threatens divorce again, he will get his wish.
But above all, don't back down with either of them. SD is old enough to take some ownership in playing her parents against each other.
Ive got a friend giving me advice
And contacts with attorneys. Im speaking with them today.
Glad you have a good friend
Glad you have a good friend on your side.
Good
Even if he's only threatening divorce to lash out or try to win an argument, you have to take his threat seriously, as you have. My DH used to threaten divorce, and it scared me to death, but once I got over my fears, anger and sadness, I realized that it wasn't a bad solution to our problems. Once I reached that place mentally, I kind of became a new person in our marriage. I stayed calm in arguments, I recognized the challenges in our marriage and agreed that we may not be able to work them out as a married couple. Only then, he started moving in my direction. Things are pretty peaceful right now. I just have accepted that our marriage could end at any moment because of the SKIDS, and I'm prepared financially and mentally for when that moment comes.... It's far from perfect, but much better than where we were a few years ago.
This. The whole dynamic of a
This. The whole dynamic of a relationship changes when someone realizes what their hard boundaries are, consequences be damned.
Does he have..
Borderline Personality Disorder?
Supposedly
He has been through intense therapy back in his 20's and he was deemed "nothing wrong with you, just made some bad mistakes". This was when he was sent to prison for a year at 20 because caught stealing.
He cites this as his crowning glory that nothing is wrong with him, that Im the messed up toxic one of all of this.
Has he literally told you
Has he literally told you that you are "the messed up toxic one of all of this"??
Between the loyalty problem wishing TT happy bday, and gossiping to his friend, and saying you are the toxic one, and trying to leave Traitorkin home alone with you after the stunt she pulled...he is not loyal to you and he does not cherish you.
A lack of diagnosis from his
A lack of diagnosis from his prison psychologist is what he throws in your face? Lol!
Sadly yes
It sounds like perhaps he has changed quite a bit since those days of unfettered youth.
cLove, I am so sorry things
cLove, I am so sorry things have reached this point with DH. He really needs to see things for how they truly are with that whole TT, FF, and B/S dynamic.
Not to hash this up again but, I'm still mad for you about the "happy *insert occasion*" texts he sends to TT. Talk about boundary stomping.
God all these divorced dads
God all these divorced dads are such assholes!!! My DH said almost those exact words in the past: "this is her home too and she can stay if she wants, or you can get the fuck out". I'm guessing he feels like he can say whatever he wants to you becuase you are a nice mature person who doenst want to fight dirty so you keep your mouth shut.
My DH snap at me last night for no reason because I wanted to respond to somethng he had said and then got pissed that I teared up. I just calmly said to him "You know I wish you would talk to me like your talk to your daughter. You know with love and kindness". Well it seemed to have affected him becuase he did a 360 and tried to be all nice.
I am going to do what you did though from now on - When he says something ugly I am going to write it down and have him sign it becuase he loves to "forget" he ever said things.
Yep Chef said that to me
about the HousesHitter, YSS, then 7. AND the topper was that it was MY home LEGALLY. NOWHERE did Chef appear on the mortgage and here he was telling me to GTFO. Still IS my home legally.
This is why my house remains in my name
and my name alone. I bought it..it is MINE. DH lives here because I let him....but then again I don't threaten to throw him out all the time. But nope..my biggest thing was I was not going to be in a position where anyone could throw me out of my home again.
Never....
Never ever will I...
Transfer any portion of ownership of of outlr home to SO soon to be DH. Even after marriage it will still remain in my name (with provisions for him in the event of my death) because I've told him my only doubt is his ability to say no to his adult children. And I need my home to remain my sanctuary. So I sleep better knowing I have the ultimate legal authority around who does and doesn't inhabit our home. Deal breaker any other way.
That's my situation as well.
That's my situation as well. The house is MINE and DH is not on the title. His kids are still quite young and I have a good relationship with them at this point, and BM, while an occasional irritant, is not a big problem, but I still have no interest in adding DH to title to my home. I like the security of living in a home that's mine.
Gaslighting 101
Yep. Ugh this brings back ugly memories!!! They sure don't like it when you won't be a punching bag, do they? You are supposed to play nurse, maid, nanny, laundress, chauffeur, cook, admin asst, paralegal, tutor. With ZERO authority of course and WILLING to take the hits (in some cases physically). Oh and be a bed buddy as well. Um, yeah, NO!
STICK.TO.YOUR.GUNS!!!!!
"Can't handle the back and forth" (TM) Or the patented "I can't please EVERYONE!" (TM) So they will go and please the BM as well as the skids, then throw their life partner under the bus. I remember similar such statements from Chef.
If my "d"h ever told me to
If my "d"h ever told me to get the eff out, I would. Why are you ladies enduring what amounts to emotional abuse?! A partner who cherishes you doesn't say shite like that, even in anger.
I agree! And repeatedly
I agree! And repeatedly saying it! My marriage would not survive that.
Exactly why I am an easy target
Since I had many hours of wakefulness I was able to ponder why I stayed through all the nasty fights. And I guess I know my answer of why Toxic Troll - perhaps because they were so alike.
She did mention that when he got mad that he would have divorce papers ready to sign and repeatedly threatened divorce. Its his patter he is stuck in. I cannot get myself unstuck from this pattern but I will try.
You deserve so much more than
You deserve so much more than that. You deserve a man who appreciates all you do for him, not one who threatens you when he doesn't get what he wants. You have to value yourself enough to believe that, though.
I can't imagine living with
I can't imagine living with the threat of divorce hanging over my head all the time. I might be inclined to let H know that if he raised the topic ever again I'd be filing within the week.
The Village Idiot
LOOOVEEDD with every fiber of his being to threaten "to throw me out and divorce me". Karma was a bitch the last time he said that....because I had rented a place to live and told him I wanted a divorce and was leaving that day.
I never seen someone go so white in all my life.....
Husband is like that too
We have a house 50/50, a boat 50/50, and other major furnishings 50/50. He doesnt want to lose the house. And all the comfort and stability it provides at a fraction of what a rental would be.
His daughter doesnt want her cushy room to go away. Sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room of an apartment...oh no. dont want to lose that!
If he lost the house his
If he lost the house his daughter will have the choice between the sofa at mum's apartment or the sofa at dad's apartment.
There is also inheritance involved
My friend let me know in California his inheritance is half mine.
Looks like that depends on
Looks like that depends on whether it's been comingled with other assets. So if he put it in your joint account, yes, it's half yours - if he kept a separate account, it's not.
Thats what I thought
Yeah, it started in a joint account then moved to his separate account.
Ill have to go through with the lawyer to get things straightened out. What a waste of $$$.
Joint account
If it started there, even briefly, your friend is right- it is community property in CA then.
Then he'd better wake the
Then he'd better wake the hell up, open his eyes, pull his socks up, and start behaving like a human being.
Please don't give in on being alone w/SD14.
Please don't give in on being alone w/SD14. You drew that boundry firmly, and you should hold to it. DH can either not go fishing and stay home with his daughter, or she can go with him. The toxic pattern needs to be broken and you can take the first step by not giving in on this issue - at least for a few weeks. Nothing either one of them said or did changed the fact that she lied about you. As I have always said, your DH is your main problem and the way he has handled this only confirms it.
Love it how cLove's DUH just goes fishing
at the drop of a hat and leaves or now ATTEMPTS to leave cLove with ALL the responsibility (AGAIN, and yet none of the authority)
Might want to put a TRACKER on the idiot's phone, then dump off BACKSTABBER MUNCHKIN at the nearest fishing hole where he has landed!!
That's funny!!!!
That's funny!!!!
Wow and WoW again
With all the crap you put up with. SD TT ect. That's the the thanks you get. He wants his DD to visit but doesn't want anything to do with her.
First disengage totally. As in no cooking that on DH. No cleaning up on DH. No babysitteing , no transportation ect. If he leaves DD home you go out
Wow and Hugs
I think everyone has said everything better than I can, so I'll just say I'm rooting for you girl! Stand your ground, wherever and however this ends up. You don't deserve any of this; in fact your amazing heart deserves someone with equally amazing kindness. Sending you many hugs cLove. You'll make it through this.
He went to a hotel and left his kid with you?
I'm having a difficult time getting past that. He told you it's her house too and she can stay there and then he walked out to go to a hotel? I'd be like, fine, I'm going to a hotel too.
Not your child, not your responsibility. Just leave her there to fend for herself. A courtesy text message that she's exercising her right to be in "her" home while you got yourself the eff out, per his instructions.
Perfect
This is awesome. You're right, why did he leave and expect cLove to situate HIS child somewhere?
Or even, just leave and text DumbH - I left, YOUR child is at home for YOU to deal with!
So sad
I'm sorry that sounds really awful.
There are some lines that should not be crossed in relationships. Saying things like "I want a divorce" or "get out" or similar hateful speech leaves scars. You can't simply take words back. Whether people stay or leave the damage is real and lasting.
My heart breaks for all those who have to hear such things from a person they loved. It would be like a sword through me if my husband ever said such things. I'm really very sorry you had to go through this. This isn't normal, healthy, or acceptable. Please look after yourself
You stop caring after some
You stop caring after some time....I personally have heard it all from my husband...Now he has resorted to ignore tactics and I am fine with that too
There comes a pt where u have to live for urself and not let abusive partners control you or your feelings
I second the therapist idea.
I second the therapist idea. I think you are a "fixer", you took a broken man and tried to fix him and his broken kid. That is usually rooted in your own issues with self-worth and not feeling good enough for a person who is whole and doesn't need fixing. Threatening divorce is abusive, and he's done it multiple times. You ask not to be alone with his daughter and what does he do? Goes to a hotel and leaves you alone with his daughter. This man is abusive to you, he really is no better than TT.
Hugs!
So many wise and eloquent people have already given great advice above. I just wanted to send an extra hug and more support for you.
You are worth so much more than your DH and his kids have ever shown you!
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the comments but I just wanted to say that I am so glad you are talking to an attorney. I don't take the word divorce lightly and I don't think you do either. The fact that he yelled at you and then left speaks volumes.
Stay strong and don't let yourself be manipulated.
I third the therapist
Clove. Your DH is being abusive to keep you inline. You can't live with someone threatening to divorce you constantly. Would you work for an employer who threatened to fire you constantly? No, and its the same thing here.
He needs work to straighten out his coping skills and attitude.
I think you'd benefit from personal therapy to help you to set your boundaries and to know your value. You seem to be a great person and you should value yourself higher than the treatment you are getting currently.
Over the course of my
Over the course of my marriage, I was frequently told that if I didnt like anything regarding the childrens attitude or coming over randomly then I could "get the fuck out" and other monstrosities while the children were grinning in the background
My husbands ex wife son would frequently come over and accused me of beating him up and trying to drown him ( i never laid a finger on the child and barely interacted with him) and I asked my husband not to be left alone with him or SS ASSHOLE....My husband refused and flew into rages including throwing the dinner on the floor and taking my wedding ring and smashing it with a hammer....then telling me to get the fk out in front of his smiling children
What I learned is that he cannot put me away as I contribute to the household and have utilities in my name + i am on the lease
Now when he says get the fuck out, i respond that he needs to get to steppin first if he has a problem. When he threatens a divorce, i print the paper to file and tell him lets do it together
Its just emotional blackmail...Call his bluff
You have to be as savage as he is