Update: DH hasn't talked to BM yet about abuse language toward SD14
To recap from last night, I texted SD to check on her and she told me this:
"I keep getting into arguments with mom and SF. and last night SF said the only way to teach me respect would be to beat me, then he said maybe it'd be better if they put me in a foster home and let someone else have me.
He also told me that he was gonna take the kids and leave in front of mom and the kids
That's not what mom said, she told me that it was all my fault, everything , the arguments, me failing school, SF being mad all the time, the messed up family dynamic, everything."
Should I make a CPS report? SD said she's scared SF will hit her. SD has already had a CPS check on BM last March and a week stay in the psychiatric hospital. SD told me BM called her a psycho at that point. I told SD she can report it to her school this time but it may cause just as much drama as last year and obviously open an investigation.
SD lived with us October last year to March this year. SF has always said things and acted in anger and BM seems to back him up and we told SD to expect this when she decided to move back.
Now, SD is saying she doesn't remember our conversations about the move being her decision as she's 14 and wanted to be closer to her friends. SD is now saying BM thought it was best so she let BM decide and is taking no part even though both DH and I talked to her. She expressed no doubt in moving back with BM and didn't even want to finish the school year here. I think she can stay with her grandma for awhile.
DH was with BM about 5 years before she cheated so he knows how emotionally and verbally abusive she is. So it's always something.. I haven't had peace in the last decade and it might not stop at 18. DH asked SD and BM to both call him at the same time.
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Comments
I think Mom and Dad need to
I think Mom and Dad need to talk and explore options. Then Mom and Dad and child need to talk and discuss expectations and options. Both parents need to set a 'no revolving door' policy and get to the root of everything because as of now you don't know the whole story.
I thought we'd established
I thought we'd established that in March! But of course DH told SD she can always live here but she doesn't have friends here, told BM she was lonely here and she isn't interested in her toddler sisters.
If BM has a history of verbal
If BM has a history of verbal abuse and the last time SD was there she had to involve CPS and was committed for a week, why on God's green earth did he let her go back? Even with friends?
I don't know if CPS, an attorney, a therapist, or all three should be called. But, ultimately, your DH has to be the one to make that call. You can call CPS if you think SD is in danger, whether your DH likes it or not. However, it sounds like SD has mental health issues that need to be addressed ASAP, so DH may need to fight to bring SD back to him once and for all.
The court order is 7 years
The court order is 7 years old and not been followed. Child support has been terminated so the CP pays all expenses and NCP pays plane tickets to visit. SD had been in therapy and is convinced she has ADD but I don't think BM is having her treated since she's been back. I was willing to do that when she lived here but she moved back suddenly so I assumed BM was doing it now.
CPS here would not take that
CPS here would not take that call, he hasn't hit her. There are some parents who feel hitting kids is good discipline, even some on here (not me). Also, saying they'll put her in foster care is not considered abuse, by law. And they can't do that anyway, it's an empty threat.
Personally, I think this is on DH to handle and you should stay out of it, except to note that SD going back and forth is not acceptable. If he decides to bring her back to your home, it needs to be formal through the court, and the final custody change until she's 18.
I agree and DH said he also
I agree and DH said he also agrees with that *if* she comes back.
This is a tough spot to be in
This is a tough spot to be in. On one hand, SD made her choice, you KNOW she did even if she is playing dumb now. Actions have consequences and now she has to live in a shitty environment.
On the other hand, what are the summer plans? Is she coming out to your home soon? Maybe she just needs to stay with you once she gets there and have the understanding that there is no more back and forth. This is it.
So DH and I have been asking
So DH and I have been asking since April and BM loves giving us dates a week or two before she dumps SD on us, making the ticket expensive. SD is out of school next week and she told me BM was putting her in a summer program and no one knows when it starts. So no plans to come up here but I guess BM may want her to be here instead but it's only me, 2 toddlers, and my mom and sister here since DH works 60 hour weeks.