Not everybody is cut out to be with a man who has kids. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just something that should be recognized and addressed, sooner than later.

Do you know WHY you are jealous? Has he done anything to make you think that you will come second? Have you talked to him about your feelings?

One thing that some have learned the hard way, be careful of what you push for. You encouraged him to get involved, now he is, and it's making you uncomfortable.

If your husband (and relationship) really is amazing, you should be able to discuss your fears with him, discuss some boundaries (such as him going to see her without you or not), and work this out together.

Communication is a must. Now, not years down the road when you are resentful and hate the kid (and your husband) because of it.

It starts like this

I remember feeling the same way about my EXSS5 when I first started dating my ex. I was confused about why I felt so jealous and felt like I was wrong for feeling that way. I felt embarrased by it. 

Then I moved in and as time went by my feelings of jealousy developed into feelings of hate for a 5 year old kid! Those feelings eventually disntergrated my relationship with a man I loved more than anything in the world. 

And now on my last night of being in the same home as the kid, I feel regret for not recognizing what a problem this was and why I decided to move forward with this knowing full well how I felt about the kid from day 1. 

You probably shouldn't have pushed for your H to have a relationship with his daughter if you felt this way. Better to let sleeping dogs lie. Try to nip this is the bud now and talk to your husband but if you get to the point where you feel contempt for his daughter, there is no coming back from that and your relationship will be toast 

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I get it. You love this guy and wanted him happy with his new role as a father. You fought for him and for your FSD to have a relationship.

I also get that now that his relationship with his 2yo is starting that you have anxiety about the major changes in your life and the invasion of your relationship that is imenent.

Before this goes further, I recommend that you sit down and clearly define your issues with it all, make a clear list of what you will demand and expect to be delivered within your relationship and blended family experience.

It is entirely possible for you and your SO to work together to create the relationship that can be what you both need and want and have a quality home and family for your SD.  With the age she is and the history of BM being the CP, I suspect that there will not be a whole lot of visitation time for several years.

Why aren't you going with him to meet his daughter?  That right there could be the reason you are feeling more jealous because you are being cut out.  

Let me tell that if you allow that meeting to take place without you, that is the beginning of setting the precedent that there is a definite divide between his life with you and life with this child.  I would not only be going I would just be assuming in all conversations that it is WE.  When we go, when we meet her.  

Maybe I missed it in the story but what is the deal with the BM? Were they married?  Did he not know he had a child or did he just not keep contact? Did you know about the child before you got married?  His daughter is going to be fitting into his already established life with you, not the other way around.  You are a couple,  a team it is not like many of us who were joining a life with a man who already had established relationships with his children.  Your DH doesn't have a relationship with his child yet so you step right up and don't let this push you out.  You have every right to be part of that and if you bow out now don't expect to magically join in later, you will have already set the precedent!!

I don't know all the details of your situation but if you are already married and he's meeting his 2-year-old daughter for the first time, it can't be an easy one! No sane person would think that is anything but a life-altering, potentially marriage-destroying situation. I have never been in your situation, not many have, but you will get lots of good advice here. Do your best but cut yourself some slack. It's normal to feel negative emotions about this situation. What newlywed would be happy about a surprise stepchild and BM?

At the core.. steplife is not a wholly natural situation.   Happily coexisting with the offspring of your partner's failed relationship? 

Also, it is very common to have misgivings about changes to your home and relationship with your husband.  Children are lifechanging... and it can be a LOT harder to accept those changes when that child is not your biological offspring.

I'm not sure what the exact timeline was for you.  If his child is almost 2... and you are married.. did you know about this child from the beginning?  Was the child concieved during your relationship... was he married to his EX when you started dating... it's a quick timeline looking in from the outside.. and I can't help but think you and he may not have been together very long at this point and that you are fairly young?

But your questions about jealousy... well.. I mean, I can understand you feeling that he now has this other person in his life that he loves.  But it's like a parent with multiple children... it's not like their love for one is overshadowed or diminished when they have another child.  And.. parents can and do love each other while also loving their children. 

And priorities.. just because he has this responsibility.. that does not mean that his child will always be his priority.  He may prioritize his child at times.. but certainly if you are with him all month.. and the child is only there a handful of days a month.. you are getting the much bigger piece of the pie?  You should not feel perpetually ditched... but this is something HE needs to ensure that HE manages.. that you feel wanted and valued as his partner.

But... yes.. a child will take resources from your home.. it will take financial resources in the form of CS or other things he buys for his child.. extra cost for vacations , gifts and other needs/wants the child may have.  It will require TIME resources as well.. he will make time for his child and there will be times when you may end up spending your time with him watching that softball game or whatever.. instead of going for a drive in wine country.  It also can be emotionally draining... dealing with another human being in the child.. dealing with his EX.... kids aren't always easy... and steplife isn't always easy.  There are also the issues surrounding what will happen when YOU want to have a child.. if you can.. that means resources are even tighter.. and his first child's needs won't go away and he may not be able to reduce his financial obligations outside the home.. it also means you aren't giving him his "first" child.  For some women that becomes a huge issue... Or.. the other side of the coin.. what if you want kids but can't have them?  Your DH has a child.. you might not ever get that.. does he WANT more kids?

So, what does that all mean for you?

I'm sure that you on at least an intellectual level understand that jealousy of a 2 yo is not a particularly healthy emotion.  I think you need to do some work with your own therapist to see what your true fears are.. whether there are ways to mitigate these concerns and whether you have the mental fortitude necessary to survive in a relationship like this.  I think if you asked a lot of people on this board if they would "do it again" ... the answer would be NO.  Even people, like me, that have a fairly decent outcome which is adult SD's who don't have any drain on our finances and who I have a decent relationship with... there were certainly stressful times and financial speedbumps that would have been nice to not have to weather.  So, if steplife isn't for you... that's ok.  You are young, you have not been with your SO but for so long based upon the age of his child...You could start over...and it's not like you are tossing decades away.  What you do have is decades in front of you.. and choices and attitude adjustments now will make a big difference in how those play out.

They only get worst. Now BM is going to get CS so your family income is going down.  You are going to have to start dealing with a child that you have no control over.  Yout weekends, as EOWE now are taken up.

 Life is going to be different.  Yes when the child is at your home at 2 yo is going to need lots of care.  
There are gifts to buy, clothes to buy,  thanking him places to pay for.  When you will never be the " mother" 

The whold world will tell you that. 
 

Give yourself some grace and allow yourself these feelings. If your SO doesn't currently have a relationship with her you can both be on the same page about what it looks like. Take it slow and forgive yourself these feelings. I got involved very quickly with someone who had 50/50 time with 2 children around that age. I stepped right into the middle. You do have some time here to make sure you have a say. That's gold!

This made me tear up reading it. I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if it ever goes away. For me it hasn't. I've learned to think of it as a chronic condition that won't go away as long as I'm with my husband. You just try and cope with the pain. I know that sounds horrible but it is what it is. Being infertile is like rubbing salt into the wound. If I was years younger (I'm 41) I may have left simply because of the pain.