Hey everyone. I’m new to this page and I just want to say how relieved I am that a forum like this exists! I have made the mistake of talking to non-stepparents or to women who do have stepchildren (or “bonus kids” as they call them) and think that you MUST love someone else’s child exactly as much as you love your own and if you don’t, you’re a horrible person and  your spouse should leave you. Or women who have genuine friendships with the BM. That’s amazing, but unfortunately, it’s not my case. I’ve been holding onto and dealing with so much  because I haven’t found the right community until now, hopefully. Forewarning:  you might want to grab a snack, because this may be a long post.

Before I dive into anything, here’s a few things about me. I’m 28 and a BM to 2 sweet little girls who are both under the age of 2. Hubby is active-duty military and a wonderful father to our babies. He has a seven year old son from a previous relationship. (Not sure if I should even call it that, as my husband is constantly saying they never dated. They were just “hookup buddies” in his college days . Yes, my husband is a former douche and we constantly joke that him having 2 girls is karma for how he used to treat women back in HS and College.) I’m not so much struggling with his child, but more so BM. This woman is on a completely different level of crazy.

I honestly don’t consider myself a “Step-Mom” since my husband’s son lives states away and we hardly see him. But I will refer to him as “SS” to make it easier. But this wasn’t always the case. When DH and I married almost 4 years ago, DH was constantly taking passes to visit his son. But over the years, he’s been promoted several times and has more responsibility now, so those passes aren’t as accessible. Also, BM has been bi-polar about whether he can visit or not and on more than one occasion has told DH that her son is “not allowed near that woman” referring to yours truly. DH only has proven paternity and required child support established with the court and no visitation. I don’t have all the details on this, so I won’t go into depth, but it’s important information so you understand why DH relies on BM’s permission.

Things used to be okay. BM and I were never friends, but we were civil. I would communicate with her bc DH refused. He called her manipulative and said anytime they talked, she would get angry and dangle SS over his head. So I would coordinate visitation with her and things seemed to be going smooth. That was until DH and her got into a fight on the phone and she told him that her son was not to be around either of us. A few days later, we had CPS called on us where I was accused of abusing DH and DD. We were told by DH’s Mother that it was most likely BM who made the call. So for an entire year, DH did not speak to her, which means he did not see SS. That lasted until Christmas this past year. DHs entire family (including SS and BM) all live in the same state. We went to visit DH’s brother for Christmas vacation. My BIL has 3 children. 1 boy and 2 girls. His son and SS are BEST FRIENDS. They are inseparable. SS wanted to visit his cousin during our visit. DH informed his brother of what happened. I told BIL that unless I personally hear from BM that SS is allowed near me, we’d be leaving their house so SS could visit. So BM called me, apologized for all the horrible things she said, swore that she wasn’t the one who called CPS, told me that I was the best possible person to be her son’s “bonus-mom” and that of course SS was allowed near me. After that point, I once again began to coordinate visitation with her.

 A couple months later, DH went to his Father’s retirement party. BM reached out to me knowing DH would be there and asked me if he would go to the bank with her so they could set up a savings account for SS. It was apparently a special savings account for military dependents only, so DH had to go to prove he was Active Duty. Then my MIL reached out to me informing me that BM reached out to her and told her she wanted to pull SS out of school for the day so that he could accompany DH and BM to the bank and then after they’d all go out on a lunch date. I did not feel comfortable with that, but I asked DH and he said he would drive down separately. BM got upset about this, but then said that DH didn’t need to come, but asked if I would get him to sign an affidavit proving his military status. I asked DH and he felt like something was off. So he called the bank she was referring to and the bank informed him that there is no such account available. When I told her that he said “no,” she lost her mind. Once again, she told me that neither of us where allowed near her son and started with the vicious name calling. She informed me of some horrible things DH’s family had said about me. That they have said in God’s eyes BM and SS are his real family and me and my girls as mistakes. His family is extremely religious, so I honestly believe this. And she also told me that I am a failure as a wife for not sleeping with my husband while I was pregnant. (This was true. I was incredibly sick during both my pregnancies. DH natural scent made me nauseous and I was throwing up anywhere form 4-15 times a day. Everything made me nauseous. I couldn’t even cook or clean. I was bed ridden for the entire 9 months.) I was shocked to hear her say this. So I blocked her. I called DH crying and told him what happened and asked him how she would have possibly known that information. He told me that during my pregnancy he called his parents and asked them how often married couples in a healthy relationship are supposed to have sex and told them that we weren’t having any. He said his Father would never say anything to BM but was convinced that it was his Mom. Of course, I was pissed. Why would his mother do that to me? Is she trying to convince BM that my marriage with DH is failing and that she still has a chance? That’s the only thing I can think of. DH saw how hurt I was by this and he called his parents and informed them that he would not be speaking to them anymore unless they remove BM from their life.  A few days later BM reached out to DH via her deceased grandmother’s FB page (DH has BM FB page blocked since we started dating) and tells him that SS talks about him all the time and really misses him. That she’d be willing to let DH see SS but that SS can’t be around me. She then professes her love to him and tries to convince him to divorce me so they can be a “real family.” He immediately blocked her.

2 days ago DH told me that his brother reached out to him and informed him that he found out that BM has been telling SS for years that she and DH are married and that he’s only gone because of the military. WHAT?! UM…. Okay. So now DH is saying he doesn’t care if he sees SS again. He said that me and our girls are all that matter to him and that maybe one day he’ll be able to have a relationship with SS but not now. While that makes me feel validated and so completely loved, I can’t help but feel guilty. Every time I’ve talked to anyone in the past, and especially DH parents, I’ve constantly heard that no matter how difficult BM makes things for you, as a man, you’re obligated to be there for your child. That no matter how hard it gets, if you give up, you’re weak. You’re a deadbeat. My husband is none of those things, but I feel like it is my fault that he’s been put in this situation. Before me, he was able to visit his child whenever. And now he’s completely cut off his parents and can’t see his son (not unless he wants to continually be harassed by BM.) I know it hurts him to do this. Part of me feels like I should tell him to call them, and that I’m too sensitive and need to let this go. But I want to protect my girls from his family’s toxicity. I’m at loss of what to do. Am I a horrible and unsupportive wife if I sit back and let him not see his son. Should I push him to reach back out to BM and work something out? I don’t want to do that, but sometimes the right thing isn’t always what we want…right?