Sister-in-law dead at 35, SD14 doesn't know
She was an alcoholic and couldn't stop drinking. She had early cirrhosis at 30 and also had heart issues that she was medicated for. Her son will be 12 in less than a month and lives with his dad after SIL lost custody 5 years ago. She's been to the ER and rehab too many times to count. Their mom died at 53, 14 years ago when SIL was 21 and she never really recovered from that and losing custody was her excuse to keep drinking.
She met her fiance in rehab and they couldn't stop drinking. They moved to another state and he got a good job. I knew she had been drinking again at the beginning of this year but what can I do? Husband broke the news to their cousin, SIL's best friend, and said she was hysterical on the phone.
So far I know that she was found to have been dead for a week and her fiance was near her body. Drunk. We all knew we'd probably get the call but actually getting the call is.... Unreal.
DH doesn't know how to tell SD14 and BM didn't like SIL for reasons over a decade old. I think it'll be easier on DH if BM tells SD but I also don't want BM knowing any details and pretending to be sad because she knew SIL once. Should I tell SD so BM doesn't get the glory?
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I don't think there's any
I don't think there's any "glory" to be had here.
Your DH should tell SD her aunt has passed. He doesn't need to go into any details.
Wow, that's sad. Yes, this
Wow, that's sad. Yes, this doesn't need to be a competition with BM. DH should tell his daughter about her death and that it was caused by alcoholism (though not the worst details). You can't control what BM does after SD tells her.
I think he doesn't want to
I think he doesn't want to tell SD because he'd probably break down and thought it may be better if BM told her so she was there to immediately comfort her.
So what if he breaks down? It
So what if he breaks down? It's healthy for kids to see their parents grieve and cry. They can comfort each other.
Agree 100%
Agree 100%
We were all blubbering messes when we had to put our dog down in December. This was the first time skids really experienced death (all their family members are still alive) to a capacity because they were older and understood. There wasn't a chance in hell SO/myself were going to be able to hold back any emotion because we wouldn't want the skids to see us grieve.. not possible.
Your DH needs to tell SD. It's his sister, whether he gets upset is only naturally and like tog said they can comfort each other.
Was SD close with her aunt?
Was SD close with her aunt? I'm guessing no given the aunt's likely mental state.
I'll be blunt. Your SD is 14 - a prime age to turn anything into a drama. Your DH needs to tell SD, and not leave it to BM to twist things around. I can already picture some scene of SD being so distraught over an aunt she barely knew, and using that as an excuse for poor behavior.
Yep. And BM saying, "see?
Yep. And BM saying, "see? Your father didn't even care about her or you. I had to be the one to tell you."
She did know her very well
She did know her very well between ages 7 and 11 as she spent a lot of time with our nephew until SIL lost custody. SD knew SIL had a problem and hadn't seen her in 2 years since our daughter was a baby.
I saw DH texted BM about it so BM will be the one to tell SD, I guess. At least she's being nice about it and DH just doesn't want to talk about it right now and everyone is calling him wanting to talk. He has to finish building a gate with the neighbor today so at least he'll be busy.
Well, if you see it as out of
Well, if you see it as out of your hands, quit worrying. If your DH doesn't want to deal with what is front of him, let him be.
Even if BM has already told
Even if BM has already told SD, that does not mean that DH does not have to talk to SD about it when he sees her. He needs to answer any questions SD has and be honest about why his sister died. DH should not sweep the cause of death under the rug - as families of alcoholics often want.
This is an aunt that SD was close to just a few years ago. SD, even though she hasn't seen him in a while, knows the cousin. SD is 14. She is old enough to attend any funeral or memorial services. She is old enough, with her dad's guidance, to pick out a card for her cousin and write a short note in it.
DH can put off talking to assorted friends, but if SD calls he should not put off talking to her. The longer he puts it off, the harder it will be (for both of them).
So sad for someone so young..
Very sad about your SIL. Also so sad that her grief took over after her mother died and she never recovered. So awful that she couldn't get and accept the help she needed.
I agree there is no glory or competition here. This is a tragedy and honestly there are no right or wrong answers to breaking the news to SD. Actually it would be nice if DH could pick her up and tell her so that he is with her. But it doesn't sound like that is possible. If BM tells her DH should still follow up with a call and tell her that he didn't want to break that kind of news on the phone so her mother told her.
So sad and sorry for everyone's loss.
Let DH handle it
Its a good way to bond with with SD. Men serm to avoid emotional situations.