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I am an awful stepmum

Punkmum's picture

Submitted by Punkmum on Wed, 04/21/2021 - 1:43pm

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I just find it so hard sometimes.  We are a family of 6.  I have 2 step-daughters and sometimes they can be a nightmare.  When they haven't been nice or their behaviour hasn't been very good I find it so hard to come back from it mentally.  With my own kids I can easily talk with them about what I expect and how we behave nicely and can resolve things with chats and love.  
I find it so hard to express my feelings to my partners girls and like now where I'm angry with them for their recent behaviour I don't know how to make it better.  I'm just so cross I don't even want to be around them. 
The teenage girl (13) had her friend over at the weekend and she was a complete nightmare, she wasn't very nice to her friend she upset the whole house, Dad was grumpy and the whole weekend was just awful.  The other (10) picks on my eldest who is a year and a half younger than her.  She bosses her around, blocks her in rooms, takes things off her and won't give them back.  They can get on but I'm always on edge wondering if she's being nice to my daughter.
I find it so hard to forgive.  
 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Wed, 04/21/2021 - 2:31pm

Everything Futurobrillante said.

If a lil B was picking on your kid I would call it out right then and there. NFW should anyone get a pass on shit behavior. Your DH should back you up , otherwise this nonsense will never end.

Imagine a life with no lil B's around to ruin it. Guess what its fantabulous.

Ask your DH why are you grumpy, then that leads into the conversation of why YOU are grumpy. If he doesnt support you, then you will have a lifetime of this. It wont go away once they are an adult. It gets worse.

 

stepper47's picture

Submitted by stepper47 on Wed, 04/21/2021 - 5:48pm

I agree with the other posters, the problem is with your DH and his lack of parenting, probably because he is afraid of "losing" his kids.  I experienced similar - as I saw negative behaviors from my SD now 18 get ignored or even rewarded, I withdrew and shut down.  The few times i did speak up to her, DH would talk to me later about how she was upset by that, not about her behavior. And if I tried to get him to correct something without saying anything to her, he would he defensive.  So I felt like I had no control in my house and like I was the enemy. I think that sould get to anyone.

If I could go back, I think I would try not let my withdrawal get so deep,and be more persistent in finding ways to get DH to understand where I was coming from.  Ironically he does see it now.  I would also have addressed things with SD as they happened - I have never had a problem doing that with any other kids and they still loved me after, but I let my fears with her take over.  Probably better to address gently along the way than store it all up until it pops also.

Dh and I ended up in counseling due to the situation because we almost ended our marriage.  The counseling did help us hear each other and we both made changes to be a better team. Our relationship improved, but his and hers got worse as she did not appreciate his attempts at consistent parenting.  She ended up moving in to her mom's full time 2 years ago,  full of anger, which she still has.

I don't know if that would have turned out differently if *I* had been different, but I do carry a lot of guilt for how my withdrawal contributed to the situation.   I try to be gentle with myself about that, because we are all just people doing the best we can to navigate a complicated situation.   Don't be too hard on yourself! 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Wed, 04/21/2021 - 5:49pm

It is tougher to forgive other people's kids. It is even tougher when they show little remorse and continue to treat us (and others) rudely. If I were you I would have it out witth your husband as to minmum levels of respect expected in your household and how to enforce that. If he is unwilling to engage constructively with you or fails to follow through then thats a bad sign. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 5:24am

Living with kids who are disruptive and disrespectful who you have no control over will wear you down mentally.

Not having partner who recognizes that and actively tries to address the situation and show support for you. Only causes further anger and resentment.

That's not your fault you are only human. It's your situation. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 8:37am

When the SD-10 bullies your daughter, your daughter needs to punch her in the face.  When the 13yo pulls her behavioral bitchy shit she needs a swat to the ass, loss of her phone and all connectivity, and 30-40 thousand sentences all written in isolation in perfect grammar, spelling and penmanship.

Lather rinse repeat until the behavioral crap ceases.

Reread your post focusing on the drama these two failed family breeding experiments are reponsibke for.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 8:33am

PUNCH her in the face?! Rags, I am torn between disappointment that you are serious and being appalled at your recommendation.

OP, please do NOT encourage your child to do this. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 8:40am

Bullies rarely respond to anything less than pain.  A bully will bully until they run into a victim who makes it painful for the bully.

Coddling a bully does nothing but create more victims for the bully.

IMHO of course.

I was the kid that bullies targeted.  Until I came to clarity that it hurt to be bullied whether I fought back or not.  So, I fought back and magic happened.  A bully who bleeds painfully quickly learns not to bully.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 9:39am

I never suggested "coddling a bully". Not everyone has to get into a physical altercation to get a bully to back off. That is YOUR experience. And as someone who was hospitalized and almost killed after having had the crap beat out of me by psycho exh, I do not condone violence. PERIOD.

If the OP's child is being bullied by another member of the household, it is OP's duty as a parent to protect her child. Even if that means moving out with her children. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 11:02am

I am sorry that you had those experiences with your XH.  Hopefully he is still in prison.

Initiating violence I do not condone.  Responding to violence with overwhelming force I absolutely advocate.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 12:57pm

There is a difference between self defense and protecting yourself and "responding to violence with overwhelming force". We will never agree on this. 

The bottom line is that this is a parenting fail on the bio parents. It is OP's responsbility to ensure the safety and well-being of her child(ren). If the child is in danger in her own home, either the threat is removed or the parent removes the child from the threat.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 1:26pm

No doubt about that.

Your XH was not a bully, he is a violent criminal.  I do not condone spousal abuse, child abuse, assault and battery, etc... .  I could not even immagine what you  lived through in that tragic relationship.  I am sorry you experienced that.

IDontCare3117's picture

Submitted by IDontCare3117 on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 1:47pm

You HAVE advocated things that were at least close to child abuse, and probably crossed over the line into it.   I've read many of your posts going back many years trying to gain some insight.  You've maintained the same rhetoric.  

Quit giving "advice" that could land people in jail, or have CPS on their doorstep every day of the week.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 6:41pm

Corporal punishment is not child abuse.  Neither is writing sentences, or grounding, or Military School, or ....

You know what they say about opinions.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 04/22/2021 - 8:54pm

You do advocate spanking. In this day and age, BIO parents have gotten in trouble with the law for spanking their children. One excellent reason for a Step parent to never do that.