Stepmother Infertility Resentment
My husband and I have been together going on 6 years, married going on 3. I'm 41 and he is older. I've been off birth control 5 years now and haven't gotten pregnant. We timed things about a year, did 2 rounds of clomid, 1 IUI, I've had a myomectomy, 3 hsgs, d & c, etc. I've always felt he wasn't as into it as I have been. He has a daughter with someone else. He used to be against adoption but as time went on seemed to be a little more interested. Same with foster to adopt. He never wanted to pay for IVF. I've always felt resentful he has a child but is not fighting to have a child with me. I want a family with my husband. I want to be a mother. That isn't too much to ask.
As time hs gone on I've done a lot of inner work. I try to understand there are things I can't control and let them go, I try to be grateful that I have a loving husband. I spite of this, many times when I think of his daughter, when he's so excited to hear from her, he's proud of her, I see her, etc. I become angry and resentful. If she's so great, why haven't you tried harder to have a child with me? I feel like he's denying my chance at motherhood while he blissfully enjoys his daughter with me watching from the sidelines.
Sometimes I feel like this will ruin our marriage - if I remain childless. Has anyone else dealt with this? What do / did you do?
I went through infertility
I went through infertility treatment in my early 30s. It hurts your soul to want a baby and not be able to have one. Being infertile with a stepkid is a whole other type of torture. You are going through infertility ALONE rather than as a couple. Of course he doesnt want it as much as you do, he doesn't have that hole in his life that you do. It's a less urgent want for a child because he already has one.
I went through this with my husband and we have 2 kids now who he adores, but it was very lonely. He knew his body worked and he already had a kid. I felt my body was broken and I had no child... It's so painful to go alone. People think a stepchild should be "enough" for you, but the people who say that are bioparents. A stepchild is not "enough" if you want one of your own.
Unfortunately at 41 your best chance is IVF or adoption. I was fortunate enough to have My own insurance that paid for treatment. If I didn't I don't think my husband would have supported paying either.
If we had tried IVF earlier
If we had tried IVF earlier it may have worked but with the chances of it happening at my age and numbers (super low amh) versus the cost it's just not worth adding to the stress by ending up having paid tens of thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it. I do pray and I've been praying more lately. I still have hope, I just feel like hope is what keeps me going and when (and if) that hope is gone, I don't know what I'll do. I've been looking at embryo adoption which would give me the chance of carrying a baby (which I've always wanted) but I'm just struggling emotionally.
I have to admit.. I was a bit
I have to admit.. I was a bit surprised.. but I don't think I fully understood the fact that unfortunately... when we are in our 30's.. and certainly 40's.. the odds of conception and a succesful pregnancy without measures goes way down. We are "at risk/old" in repro years... Having pregnancy post 35 described as "geriatric" pregnancy!
It's frustrating.. so many ways we are still vibrant and strong people at that age.. and certainly all the 50 is the new 30 stuff.. but the reality is we can't trick mother nature sometimes... and many of us.. ME included didn't have two worries about having kids in my 20's.. (quite the opposite).. so when you find out that somehow the potential is lost.. that's tough.
And therapy to deal with the possibility for you is important. It may be that you are resentful that he has a child.. he can't understand your POV... but that is not something he designed to happen.. it is not his child's nor really his fault that you may not be able to have kids.. and it may not have been any likelier with anyone else to "not happen".
But.. if it is something you want to pursue.. you need to figure out your best odds and go to the best specialist for that attempt.. because.. at your age.. you don't likely have an unlimited amount of time to wait.
I don't know if this will
I don't know if this will help you or not, but my DH and I had a successful IVF cycle when I was 41. We had to do IVF due to DH's infertility. I had a high AMH and large number of eggs and no known fertility issues, so it may be a different situation, but it is possible to be successful in your 40s.
I will also add that I told DH that if our fertility treatments didn't work, I would have a really hard time being a stepmother. He really wanted a baby, so he was willing to do whatever it took, but his fertility issues were so severe that we faced an uphill battle...and I was not interested in using donor sperm (the last thing I need is for BM or MIL to believe that my child is not really DH's child). DH and BM went through multiple rounds of IVF for SSs, so he knew about his fertility issues, but wasn't aware of their severity, since BM also had several fertility issues of her own.
I agree with the comments above, though, if having a child is what you really want, then you should explore all options, or you will likely regret it. I also have friends my age (early 40s) who have had children on their own, so that's another possibility to consider if your DH isn't willing.
No offence intended but ...
No offence intended but ... you've said what you've done to try to get pregnant. What kind of testing has he had? The fact that he already has a child doesn't mean that he can't have fertility problems now too.
He's been tested as well and
He's been tested as well and everything looks good on his end.
HUN
I can relate to this in a way. My ex did the ol switcharoo. He had SD who was his perfection (i just threw up lol). He said after marriage we could try, then he changed his mind.
The hurt of it all. Watching him adore this rotten lil B, cause that was what she was to me. He didnt miss out on having kids, I mean having satan, BUT I did, its too late now for me. It isnt for you though. I wish you fertility success and pls go make a beautiful baby with or without him. Life is shitty when filled with regrets.
I'm so sorry. Are you and he
I'm so sorry. Are you and he still together?
NO
It became a Jerry Springer episode. I kicked him out after going out with SD and BM for SD's birthday. So he moved into BM's home. Humiliating but good riddance to them all.
What?! Good riddance is right
What?! Good riddance is right. People can just be Looney Tunes sometimes. Who knows what they're thinking.
It’s tough
I have been in a similar situation. Having a baby did not happen for me. It was a true heartbreaker for a long time, but I have come out the other side and am mostly at peace with it. Your husband may have concerns about starting a new family due to his age for financial or other reasons that are making him hesitant. Regardless, it still sucks, because like the other posters have pointed out y’all are not on the same journey, because he already has a child. There are no easy answers here, but I encourage you to seek counseling and work through all the feelings you’re having and try to decide how you want to proceed. Then see if it’s possible and go for it. Sounds like your husband is taking the “if it happens - it happens” approach. I know a woman who had two kids with donor eggs in her late-40s- it’s worked out well for her. If you’re not ready to let this go - don’t. I wish you all the best - I understand what a tough and lonely situation these circumstances present.
Infertility is hard and puts
Infertility is hard and puts a lot of pressure on a relationship and even sex. Add in skids and it even worse. Goddess knows we had some bang up fights, mostly due to stress & sex being work not fun.
We did 4 rounds of IUI, and was successful on the last after a clean out due to endometriosis. Personally, I don't think men feel the biological clock the same as women nor does pregnancy really become real until birth. I'd encourage you to talk to your SO about how you are feeling and maybe a few counselling sessions.
I know you weren't asking for
I know you weren't asking for advice, but I found out I had super low amh and high fsh and fertilty doc said that I had a lower that 5% chance of getting pregnant even with IVF. This was when I was 42 and trying to have my second. I did four or five months of fertility acupuncture and took all sorts of supplements and lo and behold I got pregnant naturally. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the encouragement. I love hearing stories like yours.
I suppose that part of why I
I suppose that part of why I have no feelings regarding having not had a BK may be a man thing.
I then think of my SS's SpermIdiot who has 4 all out of wedlock by three baby mamas, at least two who were underage when he knocked them up, and I have distinct feelings of pride and superiority over that POS waste of skin. Add to that my XW who has three children all either born out of wedlock, two by her Johnson donor of the moment while she was maried to someone other than their father.
Yep, still a distinct feeling of pride and superiority.
I truly hope that you and DH are successful in fulfilling your dreams of being a mom. Good people should be parents if that is what they want.
Sadly, many SParents live first hand examples of the converse situation.
Some people don’t ovulate
Some people don’t ovulate when they think they are ovaluting.
Check that, get slightly tipsy and have fun.
Exactly! When I did the math,
Exactly! When I did the math, I had actually ovulated earlier in my cycle than expected when I got pregnant with my second.
that was me
I've been there. Tried IVF. Got pregnant twice and miscarried twice. It was hell. Turns out DH didn't really want to have more children anyway. We're now divorced. This was 10 years ago. I've accepted (it took a long time) that I will be forever childless.
I'm with someone new. He has 2 pretty decent teens. The new man is amazing.
I want to give you a big hug!
I want to give you a big hug! It's not easy having fertility issues. When I was younger with my first H we tried IVF with no luck and I was in my 20s than. When I met DH now we never discussed kids because the possibility was none existent. So if your Dr's are telling you and DH have good odds please don't give up and keep trying. Even if you think IVF won't work.
As for your feelings about DH and his bio, please try to see a therapist, your resentment isn't so much about him but yourself that conceiving isn't going your way.
At least DH is trying to conceive with you. Sometimes men don't show their emotions the way us women do. There's actually an interesting documentary about older couples trying to conceive. If you're interested I could send it to you over private message. It opened my eyes to things about becoming a parent in my 40s.
You're right. I think the
You're right. I think the fertility issues are hard enough and then you add being a stepparent to it just makes it feel unbearable at times. I'm very interested in the documentary. Could you please send it to me?