How do people do this?

I'm recently 25. I had a lot of plans for what I was going to do with my life and then I met someone at work. We've been together for about a year and a half and I've been told that we have been through more crap in that time than my friends who have been together for 10 years.

I never expected to be with someone who has kids but it wasn't an idea that scared me. And rightly so. What should have scared me was the prospect of having my life controlled by someone who wasn't in it but adjacent to it, the ex (BM).

Since we have been together, we have moved in, had my partners bother move in and then out and we have moved in and out of my parents house too (this was for 5 months during lockdown so we had space to live and WFH). We have also had 6 months of not seeing my partners children and over 7ks worth of legal fees to pay.

My partners ex is nuts. I know it's not a phrase I should use but she is. She has threatened my partner 4 times with not seeing his children (and that's just since I've been with my partner, this has been a fixture since they split). She is mean, she is vindictive, she is manipulative but most of all she has tried to poison his children against him. So much so that his daughter (who is 7) falsely accused him of child abuse. We had to go through an incredibly stressful police investigation for them to tell us at the end that the ex was problematic. All that stress to tell us something we already knew. The daughter screamed it in a tantrum and she took it, threw petrol on the fire and tried to burn our lives down. We got through the investigation only to have her continue to refuse contact.

The court system is slow enough as it is without throwing covid in too. We waited 6 months for a date and got 13 hours a week to settle them back in. We want 50/50 and she just wants whatever suits her best which is flexibility. She likes when she can have them when she wants and ship them off when she is fed up of them. We have been having 50/50 as a trial period and have another court date in a couple of weeks. She currently is trying to bully my partner into changing what he has asked for. She says it's "too much" for the kids and the girl, 7, refuses to go to school when she knows her dad is picking her up. This is not what we have seen. Both children, there is a boy too who is 5, have been happy with us saying they like the current set- up. His daughter has run to him to give him a hug when he picks her up.

Every issue with her always stems from something the 7 year old has "said". Half the time from the interactions you would think the youngest (her middle child) doesn't exist.

Her obsession with her daughter is really causing us problems. The daughter is mean and rude and hits her dad. She died her hair (at 7!) and bought her a phone without talking to my partner first. She messages her on the phone counting down the days til they see each other. The girl has said she is happy with how things are but this is threatening the very fragile set-up we have. She won't agree to anything in court (She has in the past and then recinded an hour before the hearing).

I love my partner and I love his little boy. I try to love his daughter knowing none of it is her fault, she can't help her mother, but I find it so difficult. I'm questioning now if I even want kids of my own because our lives are constantly upended by drama and cruelty. My partner gets hurt over and over and it hurts me to watch it happen. I worry if we have our own kids that they won't ever be able to have his full attention because he has to work so hard with his own kids, particularly his daughter, and is constantly waiting for the next big blow up.

I worry that we have spent all this money trying to get 50/50 and that we won't get it, or we will and in 5 years when the daughter is old enough she'll say she doesnt want to come.

I worry about my mental health, I worry about staying, I worry about leaving. I feel so stuck because I love my partner so much, he's my best friend and I've never felt connected to someone like I do him, but I don't know how much more of the situation I can take. I don't know how much more I can take of his daughter playing games, being horrible to him but then saying she is happy with stuff and being loving when she wants to be. I'm don't know how many more threats I can handle from his ex. She doesn't work and lives in house her mother bought her so can continue this fight forever thanks to legal aid. We however can't. We're 7k in debt and have little hope of ever being able to afford our own house.

I want a future with him but I don't know how to deal with the rest of it. Is that bad? How do people do it?

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Young lady

Cause you are young. Your future with him will always have a drama filled nutso BM and kids. If the girl is bad at 7, just wait more shit to come!

Im thinking way back. At 25 my biggest worry was what am I gonna wear on my next date. What bar are we headed to. What romantic evening will we plan. You can be that 25 yr old, dont cha think?

You will be surprised how easily you can fall in love again without all this nonsense. You will be 25 going on 50 in a heart beat if you stay with this crap. Just my honest opinion.

Many of us don’t

Welcome to the site! It may not be universal but I imagine many people will tell you to run. You're 25 and have your whole life ahead of you and you could have that with someone child-free, Someone who doesn't have a completely bonkers ex, someone you could have your own children with, someone who won't spend you house down payment on legal fees. And also YOU ARENT SELFISH FOR WANTING THAT!!!! That's the more normal future for a 25 year old. Honestly, My partner and I have always kept our finances separate but I've now asked to never vacation with his kids again and am getting my own place because I just can't anymore. And your guess that he would be too involved with his current kids and your kid would get second class treatment is, unfortunately, a story I've seen here more than once. I'm also still very deeply in love with my partner and think our connection is amazing, but the more stuff goes down with his kids, the more it erodes that relationship because I'm stressed and anxious and just totally burnt out. I have a tough job and the skids are more exhausting and less rewarding. And that high conflict ex? She's not gone at 18. She's at graduations and baby showers and every other thing those kids do till she dies. Set really REALLY firm boundaries from the beginning and disengage in a big way OR try a break from your partner for at least six months and decide if this is really how you want your life to be.

Many of us don’t

the key

The key to a successful relationship isn't how crazy the BM is or how problematic the Skids are. Is all in how your partner treats you.

If he treats you well, and if he makes you a priority in his life, then:

1. Make sure you keep your finances completely separate;

2. Enter into a cohabitation agreement setting out any assets/debts and the division of such should you separate;

3. Disengage from the drama as best you can.

Good luck.

Ahhhh to be 25 again.....

Run like the wind. This will

Run like the wind. This will not EVER get better, don't tie yourself to this mess. You will be paying much more in court fees, only to have the kids turn on both of you at some point.

Your BF might be a great guy, but he's got too much baggage. Find a man your age with no kids and have your own family. I promise you will regret it if you don't.

It looks like at a very young

It looks like at a very young age, you have gotten a crash course in the perils and pitfalls of steplife.

Honestly, I don't think I would have entertained the thought of dating a guy at your age if he had kids. Just too many other fish out there without that particular brand of baggage. What you are experiencing with this is a lifelong situation... It rarely gets better and sometimes gets a LOT worse. I would take a look around at a lot of stories on the site here. Many, if not most of the women here thought they could be a good person and be a reasonable step-parent. They would have a good relationship with the EX and be happy to have the kids in their lives. Almost no-one went in thinking that it was going to be a trainwreck.. but "here we are".

I know it's easier said than done.. but you would be better off with a partner that doesn't have as many serious comittments like he does. I pray that when you say "we paid 7K for the case" that you are just using "we" loosely and you didn't put any of your own money into a court case that was not your responsibility.

At 25, with only 18 months

At 25, with only 18 months invested in this relationship, you should be running fast and far away from this situation. There are plenty of childless men, without crazy exes, out there that you can love just as much as you love this man. Sometimes love isn't enough. If you stay, you are aiming your life in a direction you will likely regret choosing.

I'm a few years younger than

I'm a few years younger than you (22) and in my last blog I have asked for advice too because honestly this is too much for me, and I'm married.

I wish I never did that, and now I'm at a point where I'm seriously considering divorce. I have a 4 year old SS and a crazy BM, and even though my husband and I get along pretty well, I don't think it's enough. It made me rethink about having kids of my own too, but honestly I think I'm scared about having kids with him. I would not like to bring an hypothetical child into BM and SS's drama.

I made a mistake and I feel the consequences everyday now. I'm burned out. My depression is creeping back in and I have developed severe anxiety, to the point where my doctor wanted to give me meds for it (I refused for personal beliefs). I don't think this is worth it, but I want to be cautious before saying "divorce". I just feel like I'm living the life of a sad old lady, I don't know how to explain it. It's like having to act like a mother, without enjoying the benefits of motherhood. It's like being 22 and feeling 60 years old. I never thought it would be this hard, let alone stepparenting at our age. Again, me and my husband have a very strong bond, but sometimes it's not enough.

I posted my comment before

I posted my comment before seeing your response. It is certainly interesting hearing from someone who sounds to be in a very similar situation but with much more attachment (in the sense that you are married).

I think you're right about feeling 60 years old whilst still being young.

I think I am trying to balance up thinking the bond I have with my SO (significant other?! Still trying to work out the acronyms) is enough and knowing that for a lot of other people that isn't the case.

Is there anything you could have done differently along the way that would have helped? I mean that with curiosity not disrespect. Or is it the case that you feel out of control in your own life?

Sending all my love to wherever you are, I hope it's some comfort to know that you are, at least, not alone.

If your SO is enough for you

If your SO is enough for you to endure all this, than the decision is all yours, no matter what other people say!

With that being said, something that I wish I could have done before getting married, would be living together with SO and the child. Everyday for a few months at least. I love my freedom, I always did. When me and my husband were dating, I would go to his house with his kid, spend a few hours and then go back to my own place. Living together is completely different. I'm not sure if you guys live together but if not, it would be a good idea to try it out.

Now I have to take a deep breath before going inside my house: it's loud, cartoons are always playing, toys everywhere, my stepson follows me everywhere, he even stays outside of the bathroom until I'm done. I really feel suffocated, considering I used to live with roommates my age or older before getting married. If me and my husband want to go out and do "young people things" (such as going to a bar or just have a date night) we have to plan things ahead and sometimes we have to say no because we can't find anybody to take care of SS. I know this is all normal, even when you have your own kids, but when you don't have kids of your own and you are so young and just want to enjoy the time with your SO everything becomes... A little bit like a regret? Since SS is living with us, there's a gap between me and my husband because is so hard finding time for ourselves, and every time there's BM drama my husband gets all frustrated, I get frustrated, and the day is basically ruined.

In my personal opinion, I really love my husband but I don't know how long I can endure all this. I thought I could, I really did. I've never been the type of person to think about partying all the time and stuff like that, I thought I was ready to "settle down" and live the married life and now I miss the "single me".

This is just my experience, your might be different. I really hope that whatever you decide to do, you put yourself and your needs first. I really hope you the best!

Thank you for all the advice.

Thank you for all the advice. It's hard as I know 18 months isn't long but we were friends first and we have helped each other through a lot. I pushed him to go down the court route and when it finally became necessary we did. We had no idea how much it would cost. I haven't put any of my own money in. Neither has he so far. His mum has been incredibly kind and supportive helping us get this far (she's not wealthy she's just not a millennial living in a renting age).

I definitely will take on board all of the things people have said but I do want to take some time to assess my relationship with my partner and what is there as I'm not sure I'll find someone as open and communicative and as warm and kind. I understand the saying "there's plenty more fish in the sea" but he's my lobster (sorry to be mixing metaphors). This situation couldn't have happened to a better person and I sometimes wonder what we did in a past life to deserve this karma.

My therapist is frustrated by me because I'm very self-reflective and I'm already 10 steps ahead of her suggestions. I know 25 is young but I've been told I have the brain of an old person (not sure if that's a compliment or not lol). I over think and analyse and I guess I'm still stuck in that loop here weighing up the practical and the emotional.

I want it to work but I do recognise that everyone here is speaking from experience. I've been having a hard week and went looking for a support group in my local area and there were none so I found here. I know the experiences are very real but I can't help but question if it is also full of other people in similar situations who stumbled upon it. Maybe there are positive experiences out there and they just didn't need to come here? I don't know, maybe I'm being naive.

The next hearing is a week on Monday. I'm going to see how that goes and revisit. My partner doesn't deserve to be alone or lose love just because he made a poor choice of partner in the past. I want him to be happy with every part of my being but know that shouldn't come at a cost to my own.

I'm now just typing what's in my head because I don't know where else to put it.

Thoughts always welcome.

Of course!Also if your partner isn't in therapy, that would be a

You really don't have to make this decision now, but so far in my experience things have only gotten worse. And yes, you were right that this is a group of self selecting step situations. People who think being a stepparent is wonderful or have it easy are definitely not on this board. I also don't know any in real life, but surely they must exist. If you were my daughter I would urge you to run, but you're not, and you're an adult, and you get to make your own decisions.

you mentioned a therapist, which is great. If you don't journal already, I would do that as well. Keep track of your emotions around things so you know which aspects of step life are the most triggering for you, keep track of incidents that may be important for understanding skid behavior adm your partners responses to these things, and hell, even get some of those blended family worksheets from places online and see if you and your partner really would line up long-term with things like values and parenting and stuff. The other thing I recommend is picking a small bottle. Like asking your partner to work on boundaries with his ex, and then making sure he can follow through on that. Or if there's an element of behavior with the kids that he can work on, draw that line and make sure he can stick to it. The step situations that seem to end up the best are when the SO really does have their partners back and can draw good boundaries to protect them from drama from exes and skids. Also if your partner isn't in therapy, that would be another suggestion. You were right that somebody doesn't deserve to lose love because they made a poor partner choice, but it shouldn't be your job to deal with their ex. I'm sure it's stressful on him, and it's not like it would never get talked about at home, but he should be dealing with a lot of these issues in therapy as well so he can come home and be the best partner to you possible

OP, I stayed with my DH and

OP, I stayed with my DH and we got through it, but it was very difficult. We spent tons of money on court and ended up with his son being alienated from us for over 3 years. I stayed because my DH did a good job protecting me from his ex, he parented his son well and didn't allow disrespect, ex didn't specifically target me or try to ruin my life or anything, and I had a good relationship with my SS.

But I have no kids of my own, so what I chose was not affecting anyone else but me.

Yes, there are great step-situations, but yours is not one that will be great. High Confict exes don't generally settle down, not long-term. They tend to try to pull the kids to their "side", which creates emotional and psychological problems in the kids. They often are not allowed to develop a good relationship with the father and stepmother, and in some cases, reject them entirely and end up completely alienated.

I hear that you love your SO and wonder if love is enough - maybe. But be sure he is disciplining his kids, protecting you from his ex, not expecting you to help pay for his court nonsense, not expecting you to be the primary parent. And be prepared that you will not have a normal, drama-free life like you could with another man. Any kids you have will be dragged into this nonsense as well. If all of that is okay with you, the proceed.

Don’t naively think this drama ends when skids turn 18

This site is testament that this drama and bullshit goes well into when skids are in their 30s some even in 40s still have drama.

hcbm are nasty and always disrespect boundaries and think they can control your time, your household and you!! You need to take control of your life. At a young age, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Even if your man has a dic* of solid gold, this drama just isn't worth it sometimes!!

Welcome

Welcome to the site. Not everyone hear has had a horrific ongoing experience but your blog has all the red flags:

HCBM (High conflict birth mother)
Children already PAS'd. (Parental Alienation Syndrome)
Children's services involved in your life (next time she might accuse you of abuse)
Uneven access to legal advice for family court
Inconsitant DH (You mention that you were the catalist for him trying to regularise his position in relation to his children. This is a big red flag for me.

My experience was that I went through a difficult time for a few years but there was never a HCBM, PAS was minimal and DH protected me. Eventually, we solved the issues. My DH had been through court to agree access and rights before we met and while I don't respect his ex, she was never a huge problem and I have only met her 3 times in ever and spoken to her once.

If we were friends IRL, I'd advise you to leave your SO. The drama will never end and your mental health will suffer. You sound like a lovely person and have too much to offer to waste it on something straight out of a soap opera.

You seem like a very sweet,

You seem like a very sweet, caring person. In steplife unfortunately that makes you the scarificial lamb.

I am older, educated and very experienced. Nothing, I mean nothing prepared me for the stephell created by HCBM and her little minions.

You have already endured more than I have as far as allegations and court I have been lucky enough to be proactive to avoid that. In 3 years in and will admit that there is no fight left in me,

I had to choose between my sanity and SKs well being. I chose my sanity and had to completely step away from all the issues and disengage completely.

My situation started off better than yours. I actually a good relationship with both SKs. Until BM decided she didn't like it and just like that I was deemed the evil stepmother. The cause of everyone's problems.

The stress of HCBM and daily attacks by SKs lead to SO and I always fighting about SKs of course. He was already worn down and broken by BM and desperate to hold on to what little relationship he had left with SKs and was afraid to rock the boat.

I was upset and angry all the time that SO was allowing SKs to blantently disrespect us both all day every day. I didn't even want to come home anymore. Because I knew what I would be walking into.

I like you love my SO very much. But we can't live together. At my age I have been married, divorced and have a child of my own. I have a career, my own home and my own life. Living seperately isn't that big of a deal.

But if I was 25 and in this same situation, absolutely not. I would want someone to stop me from wasting my youth and my opportunity to get married, have kids and possibly find happiness and normalcy.

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