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Kidless4aReason's picture

Submitted by Kidless4aReason on Sat, 04/03/2021 - 2:54pm

Just found this site while doing an incognito search.  I have zero GOTO people over being step parent to adult kids, so this is a nice safe space.  

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JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sat, 04/03/2021 - 3:27pm

Glad you are here!  We have been through it all.  If you have a particular topic, just search for it.  Sometimes the abbreviations we use are confusing, the most common are DH (dear husband, aka dumb husband lol), SO (significant other), SD (step-daughter), SS (stepson), BM (biological mother).

I'm a relatively new member, too.  What I like about ST is the wide variety of members: every country, every age, every living condition, every level of education and occupation.  All these people facing the same human situation: a relationship with someone who has children from a prior relationship.  

Some of the posts are quite volatile, others are funny, touching, tragic - you will often bless yourself that your situation isn't as dire as some you read about.

Anyway, Welcome, Kidless!

 

Kidless4aReason's picture

Submitted by Kidless4aReason on Sat, 04/03/2021 - 3:48pm

Would appreciate the insight from anyone who has been through this.  I married the bio dad 14 years ago who had three kids - at the time 20 y/o SS in college; 18 y/o SD in HS; and 16y/o SD in 10th grade.  So much drama from the DH's ex/BM at the time and over the earlier years.  It was awful, and while I tried, I just did not get on with, nor really care to break through to a meaningful relationship with the SDs.  Their mother wasn't having it and I just didn't care enough to engage.  Over time the bio dad / husband and I moved out of country, then back to the mainland to a different state.  I get on with the step kids; but none of the three are ambitious, cultured nor interesting, and we don't have much in common.  Like their BD and BM, pretty much.  Because I'm a career person and bread winner, I've paid for everything -- all the gifts for bio dad's family (parents are now deceased) and stepkids and niceties my earnings have afforded.  Now I'm nearing retirement and don't want to work anymore.  I want to live in my Caribbean beach house and be stateside as needed while my elderly mother is alive.  I'm getting to my point.  I attended and helped pay for the first SD's wedding five years ago.  Due to that experience, I just don't want to attend the second SD's, which is in the next two months.  I'll be at my beach house and just don't want to fly in, nor do I want to deal with the drama that being around the husband's bio family involves -- e.g. photos; who sits where; dances; etc.  Nor do I want to be around people I don't know during a pandemic.  It's just too much energy I don't want to spend, and I'm starting to get anxiety over the whole idea.  To put it bluntly, I'd rather be alone in my other house with my books and beach, while the bio dad/husband stays in the stateside house and goes to the wedding, etc.  Am I the jerk for feeling this way?  Will this be something I'm going to regret?  Honestly, I don't even know if I want to be married to the bio dad/husband anymore, as I don't see the point.  He whinges and complains about his health, medication, poop patterns, etc. all the time and brings me down with his laziness and lack of initiative -- which is not new.  Just highly noticeable as I move toward exiting Corporate America and risk having to be around the DH all the time.  Appreciate your thoughts.  

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sat, 04/03/2021 - 3:47pm

I honeztly dont see what you have to lose by staying at the beach.  Nowadays, you can always fall back on covid as an excuse.  You arent really engaged with the SKs and are having doubts about DH.  If you're feeling nice, you can always put it like this, "Honey, you definitely need to go to the wedding but I'm so nervous about covid, I'd better stay here.  Theres always the chance I could give it to Mom, Id never forgive myself.  Have a good time!"

If you read the Adult Stepchildren section of the Forum, you will find many common themes.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 4:54am

I suggest you see a counsellor to help you sort through your priorities and to help you prepare for your retirement. If the upshot is that you should leave your DH to live your life fully, then so be it. The wedding? Don't you think you've already given more than enough to his family? Have you had any returns on that? Bet you haven't. 

Look, retirement is a huge turning point in your life and it's time to start putting yourself first - way out in front there. Yoiu've done your share for others, now it's your turn.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sun, 04/04/2021 - 10:50am

Use Covid as an excuse and don't attend.  The current advice is to limit travel to emergencies and to avoid large gatherings even if fully vaccinated.

Agree with other posters that you should see a therapist to decide if you want to exit your relationship.  You may want to consult a lawyer too to make sure that ending the marriage doesn't delay your retirement financially.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 04/05/2021 - 12:10pm

LOL, want to adopt me? Im hardworking and childless and love the beach. Im highly entertaining with a sharp wit, love reading and good movies, am well-traveled Biggrin

YEAH, that would be a hard pass. If you are disengaging from your husband, well, life is short. He and his family have leeched off you for a long time now. The gravy train needs to stop sometime. You do not owe these Skids ANYTHING much less your earned dollars.