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Less Time with Dad

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 9:01am

This is probably just a vent but feel free to give your opinion or advice.

Yesterday I posted about SS telling DH he wanted to cut his time in half for Summer visit (they are long distance schedule). We knew it wasn't his idea but DH decided to agree to it and encourage his independence. 

Last night SD tells us BM told her "why don't you tell dad you want to stay less too so you can have more time with your friends". 

SD said she initially told her mom okay then changed her mind. (She's 12). 

This is so wrong, especially since it wasn't the kids idea. 

 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 9:06am

Best advice I can give a fellow long distance parent is don't let kids make adult decisions. 

Follow the CO. Do not negotiate. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 9:11am

This has been our stance since the CO was fought so hard for and so expensive. But now we get soooooo many people with the older SK saying "it's normal" for them to want to spend time with friends, work, etc. this kid hasn't had an original idea EVER and is LAZY AS EFF. He has ZERO friends. It was BM and we knew it from the jump. He doesn't even realize it wasn't his idea because he doesn't know where she ends and he begins. 

DH has no intention of negotiating any further.

I suspect when she finds out girl child isn't leaving early she'll encourage boy child to stay the whole time.Cant have the kid with a brain and backbone there with no chaperone aka spy to report back.

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 9:09am

Yeah, so that for sure is alienation. Hard no. Tell her you will consider it when she's 17, like her brother but otherwise, stop asking. 12 year olds don't get to decide. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 10:17am

Bingo!

YSS is learning that OSS gets to do things differently than him simply because of age. When OSS turned 18, he got to decide which house he lived at, when he could visit ET, etc. YSS, though, has to follow the CO because he is a minor.

Granted, we're not dealing with blatant PAS (or kids who want to spend less time with their dad). It sounds like SD is aware that BM is being shady, or at least isn't falling in line with her thinking. Might be good, OP, for your DH to have a talk with SD and then inform BM (perhaps through a letter from the attorney?) that SD will be coming for her entire visit or contempt charges will be filed. Also, if SS shows up for his entire time, your DH needs to offer some questions to challenge his thinking, like "geez Son, why did you change your mind after you were so sure you wanted to work more and spend time with your friends?" Either SS will have a lightbulb moment (or his gears will turn a bit) or he'll 100% believe he changed his mind. Your DH can't do anything if SS doesn't see the BS for what it is.

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 10:38am

Thanks for your reply.

SD is highly aware of her mother's antics. She is lighyears ahead of SS even though he is older. She has critical thinking skills where he has none.

That is not to say that BM isn't talented at what she does. Even SD admitted and I quote "at first the way she said it I was like YEAH" about shortening her time with DH to spend more with friends.

I think a lot of kids are easily led by the nose by custodial parent, I get it, they are there 90% of the time. What I don't get is the motivation. Why wouldn't you want your kids to have a good relationship with dad. All the bad apples out there and you have a good dad pays CS participates with school even from afar and you undemind him at every turn. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 11:10am

I agree with the reasonings tog shared. It's not much different than being in a relationship with a partner who is controlling, jealous, manipulative, etc. Having an active co-parent is a bad thing, because it means they have influence - same as a controlling partner sees friends and family as "bad things" because they'll convince their SO to leave them.

None of it is about what's good for the kids. For your BM, it's about what's good for her. What drove her to think that was is a mystery that only a skilled therapist could maybe solve. Just remember, you're not dealing with a rational person. You're dealing with someone who is disordered in some way. The goal shouldn't be to convince her that she's wrong, but to help the kids recognize what are healthy and unhealthy behaviors so they can stand up for themselves and make the best decisions for themselves (since courts won't). 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 9:51am

Next year at 18 you have no say in visitation.   So it may be better not to burn bridges with 17 yo.   As for the the 12 yo. She has a long time to go. It's not the kids who control visitation.  You must insist on full visitation from the 12 yo.  Don't start making deals with the 12 yo 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 03/31/2021 - 10:10am

Exactly. The 17 may be unable to think for himself but if BM took it to court she'd win. But at 12? Nope.