Weekend with biological grandkids
I have an older brother who has two biological children from his first marriage and three stepchildren from his current marriage. My mother and I have always been very careful to get equal Christmas and birthday gifts for all the children, and she has babysat for all of them, bought them all Halloween costumes, and offered our house for birthday parties. However, this past weekend my brother took his wife on a weekend getaway and asked if we would watch his two children, as the step kids would be staying with other relatives. My mother (the kids' grandmother) decided to take her grandkids on an overnight excursion to a safari park. The kids had a great time and came back with lots of souvenirs. My brother picked them up on Sunday, then my mother got a text from her DIL, wanting to cut off all contact because her children had been so "disrespected" by what my mother did.
Am I crazy? Is it reasonable to expect a grandparent to either take all 5 children on every trip or to never do anything fun with her grandkids unless all the stepkids attend as well? And my brother's wife claims she has felt this way for the 3 years they have been married, but she has never once addressed it with us. My mother and I were hurt and dumbfounded. (And to be clear, this is only the second trip Nana has had with her grandkids since my brother remarried, so it is by no means a weekly sort of thing)
SIL is unreasonable
I agree, your SIL is being unreasonable. If the stepkids had been available, I might understand where she is coming from, but they weren't. Perhaps your mom can let things simmer down a little, then ask your brother privately if there is something you and she are misunderstanding. I'm tempted to think this might be a situation where the spouse is very volatile where they often advise the family to keep non-judgmental contact with their son and brother.
I jumped right over that fence.
When I read the subject of your post I immediately aligned with my parents perspective on GKs. My SS is their eldest grandchild. He has been their grandson from the moment my wife and I married. There was no bioGKs/GSKid. There was only their GKs.
Then I read your post. Your SIL is a dumbass. Her prior relationship spawn were with relatives and her DH asked HIS mother to watch his kids. Your mom rocked it.
SIL... should just be told to F-off until she engages her grey matter and figures her shit out.
If anyone disrespected her failed family spawn it was her. She dumped them off on family so she and her DH could have a nice weekend together.
smh
It seems obvious to me that had the GSkids been with your mom, they would have been included in the fun stuff.
Yep, your SIL is a dipshit. No doubt about it. And obviously hour brother did not get layed during his kid free weekend with his wife. Or she would not be in such a cranky mood.
smh .... again.
My mom is an only child, so
My mom is an only child, so the only grandkids when my grandparents were still alive were my bio siblings and me. There were three of us, and even we got different experiences amongst the three of us because of ages and school. I distinctly remember (because I was old enough to remember) my sister getting to go to breakfast my grandma and her friends while my brother and I were in school. I remember being livid about it (because I was 9 or 10 at the time) because it wasn't "fair" that I didn't get to go. I was promptly told that there were plently of things I got to experience with Grandma before my siblings were born, and plenty of things I'd get to do first (like I got to go to Disney World with my parents when my brother was a baby, and my brother and I got to go to an amusement park with our cousin and great-uncle while my sister stayed with Grandma and our great-aunt because she was too young to go).
So, your SIL is wrong. The counter back to her is "what did your kids get to do while they were with their relatives?" Because the kids have different sets of relatives, they're going to experience different things at different times. Even if they were all available, taking 5 kids anywhere alone would be a nightmare. Grandma likely would have either taken none of them or had to split up the trips anyway.
At this point, Grandma needs to go in guns blazing against BOTH her son and DIL and let them know in no uncertain terms that they won't bully or punish her for this crap. She's a grown adult and that's not how this works. If Son and DIL want to cut out Grandma because of this, so be it. It's unfortunate for the kids, but Grandma needs to stand her ground and not get pushed around by an adult who's acting like a 5 year old.
Your SIL may as well aim her
Your SIL may as well aim her unreasonable expectations at her own relatives. How DARE they not take her kids to an overnight safari park?! Did they not know that’s what her stepkids’ family treated their’s to? How dare her family disrespect her kids by depriving them of such an experience! What on earth does your brother think of all this?
The grandparents are under no
The grandparents are under no obligation to treat their stepgrands with anything other than respect. They certainly don't owe them equal treatment with their bio grandkids.
Let me guess, your SIL expects your brother to love them as his own as well.
Your SIL has ridiculous
Your SIL has ridiculous expectations. Your mom needs to have a talk with your brother and figure out where he stands on this and let him know that his wife is being unreasonable and frankly, rude and unappreciative.
I have one bio with DH and two skids who are with us half the time. My parents treat them pretty equally, but if DD is the only one with us/them when we see them, the skids might miss out on some stuff. DD also has a grandparent-funded college fund that the skids don't. My husband is nothing but grateful for anything my parents do for any of his kids, and he would never dream of saying a word about anything they did for one but not the others. The skids have other grandparents who can do for them, also.
You and your mom shouldn't feel bad for even a second and should ignore the nonsense SIL is spouting - after raising it with your brother, of course, and letting him know it is unacceptable.
Exactly. It's like the
Exactly. It's like the situation where one kid goes to visit their wealthy bio dad for the summer as per the custody agreement and when they return, they return loaded with gifts that their dad gave them. They may have step or half siblings on their mum's side but just because the dad gave a shiny ipad to his bio doesn't mean he's obliged to provide ipads for his ex's other kids. Which means one child in that family received presents the others didn't. That's just the reality of steplife. Fair doesn’t mean equal.
Triedout is a Grand parent.
Triedout is a Grand parent.
I am too.
We have different opinions.
If SIL wants to play those games--HAVE AT IT. Your sil is using the kids as a weapon. I will not tolerate that BS from anyone. Not even my own bio's.
My oldest bio tried to play that game with us 1 time...IF we didn't watch our Grandchild so they could go out we were told "I guess you wont see your Grandchild again"----WTH I honestly could not hear my ears. BIO kid must have been possessed because I know we didn't raise that.
Anyway, I said "OK, I guess we wont ever see our Grandchild again. one more thing, don't you ever use your child as a pawn again'...----JAW drop moment
My bio was stunned that GRANNY would not cave, whelping with the vapors that I would never ever see my Grandchild again.
I fixed their wagon. ---THEY stepped back changed their tune and it never ever happened again.
Sometimes you have to give people what they want.... bio made the statement, I said OK.
I love love love my Grandchildren..cuties. Another one is one the way too. It's crazy
OP---Sorry your going through this. Either Granny is going to be at the mercy, command and demand of SIL OR she tells sil to pound sand and lets goooo of the rope sil is trying to tie her to.
NOPE just nope.
So her children stayed with
So her children stayed with other relatives and your brothers children stayed with your mom. My first question is why didn't SIL's relatives take ALL of the children just like your mom does? You mean they only watch the ones who are biologically related to them?! It's okay for them to do that but not for your mother to take her grands on a nice excursion?
I can't imagine SIL actually cutting your mother off. I mean who else would give her so much free babysitting? She sounds terrible and like she is winding up for another failed relationship.