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Someone start a gofund me for my bail!

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 4:49pm

DH let SS use his phone to call his mom to let her know he was grounded. 

BM told SS to not give it back to DH and call the cops if DH puts his hands on him. Then she called DH demanded to be on speaker phone and inset her opinion that he gets to keep it and DH can't ground him.

DH finally got her off the phone and SS backed down and gave it to DH. But it was a 45 situation where SS thought he could negotiate the terms of his restriction. He thought he could demand that he only had to give it up if we were doing something as a family. 

NOPE kid. Grounded is Grounded. Sorry you haven't ever been held up to standards of behavior and consequences for your actions but you gonna learn this week. 

BM also tried to say that I am not to be involved. Hell no BM- that's not how our house works. We are equals in our home and marriage. What I say goes- the same for DH and we don't go against each other. Maybe that's why my kids are good people and SS is a asshole. Just sayin'.

 

Ps- I have already spoken to the sheriff's office about taking his phone. The sheriff I spoke with said that we can 100% ground him and parent SS as we see fit. Taking his phone is fine as long as it is returned with SS when he leaves. They also said they have no problems helping if we need to in taking it from him, handcuffs can be a big help in reminding teens that they aren't in charge. I was seconds away from making that call.

Comments

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 6:24pm

Did he give a reason on why he hasn't talked to you guys?  Besides lunatic BM. 

Pretty sad you have call the police to double check if you can take your teenage kids phone and ground him. 
 

Also, how lovely of BM to try and tell you what to do your own house. Those situations are my favorite. *insert eye roll* 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 6:29pm

He said that DH doesn't talk enough when he calls so there is no point. 

SS will literally not answer any question and only shrugs at him. He also won't ever ask DH anything. Freaking joke.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 8:06pm

Ahh gotcha. Pulling teeth to get a convo but, your guys fault for not talking enough. Right... makes sense. 
 

Wouldn't be surprised if he actually has you blocked. 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 6:30pm

You are a better person than I am!!!  He needs a can of whoop ass stat and his forging "mother" needs the electric chair. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sat, 03/20/2021 - 6:56pm

For refusing to answer any of DH's calls or even respond to a text for 3 months. 

He thinks he can punish his father with his phone, so we took it away.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 6:46am

I gotta say, I don't love this idea that he's "grounded". I get what you are going for, reinforcing that Dad is still his parent, but it seems to me it will just push him further away and prove everything that BM says about your DH to be true (to SS, not in reality).

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:05am

SS and BM are both terrible people but I don't agree with grounding and punishing the kid for not talking to his father. If BM is the one that driving this PAS train, then why    Is SS punished for it. He is obnoxious kid but likely doesn't talk to his dad because it pleases his mom. I'd not ground him for that. It doesn't mean dad shouldn't teach him good communication skills amd how to be a good human being and such. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:12am

Right. Part of alienation is that you can't parent how you want. And punishing him for going along with BM's alienation just reinforces that she's right. Dropping the rope means not trying to force contact that the kid doesn't want. Being more authoritarian about parenting just feeds right into BM's narrative. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:36am

I see what you are saying but I am with DH on this. PAS or not, SS's behavior has been unacceptable. There are consequences for actions. 

He is only grounded from his phone. 

DH set up his basketball hoop from Christmas last night for him. We are getting ready to go bowling as a family today. We have reservations for axe throwing tomorrow. We are talking about driving to the eastern shore and staying the night Friday. He is still going to ha e a good visit as far as family time goes. 

We see the phone as a natural consequence- don't talk to your father, lose phone privileges for a few days. If his behavior changes it won't be an issue this summer. He has also been told that of he a d DH can talk about their issues and SS does something more than shrug, he can earn it back. But they need to do some work. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:44am

Obviously you guys can parent how you see fit - but your actions will have consequences too. If you are okay with that, then that's fine. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 3:09pm

I agree on grounding him if he acts out or is being rude when he is in your home. 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:40am

I agree. The last time we saw SD17 (two years ago) it was for a family trip ( don't get me started on that).

DH went clean slate, judge on her actions at the time only. I had my own boundaries too which DH knew. She basically crashed and burned on her own.

I blame BM 75% and SD 25%. So we cannot punish SD for something she was/is not fully in control or awareness of. But her actions when interacting? Yes.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 10:46am

Sure, they can and should give him consequences for his actions in their home. But not for what he does in BM's home. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 3:06pm

Taking away the phone also takes away the ability to keep in contact with BM.  I'm on your side Just.  Having my DH attacked by his own for taking away the phone in response to her being coached by BM,  it's for the best and the only chance for the two of them to have time uninterrupted by BM.  

IDontCare3117's picture

Submitted by IDontCare3117 on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 3:21pm

I get what you're doing and why you're doing it. Immediately grounding the kid when he walks into your house isn't the way to go about it.  If, for whatever reason, he resented your house before, he has double or triple reasons to resent it now.   I doubt you'll see him anytime soon after this visit.

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 11:17am

I agree, I don't think this was the right move at all, but for your guys sake, hope it works out.  Too late now.  

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sun, 03/21/2021 - 6:36pm

I get what you're trying to do but have read horror stories about the other parent calling the cops about this very situation. If the phone is ss's property then it could be considered theft if it's taken from him.  Also is he able to contact his mother? Being grounded should not bar him from talking to the other parent.  

I miss the old days where there was a phone in the kitchen connected to a long cord and the only privacy you got was by crawling under the table.  If mom grounded you from using the phone no one cared!  

I wish you luck. Sorry he's being a little sh*t! 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 6:31am

I have actually spoken to the police in our county about this. They said that as long as we notify his mother that his phone as been taken and we return it to him when he leaves we are 100% within our rights as parents. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 03/22/2021 - 4:55pm

Honestly,  I'm in the "grounding" for lack of communication when he is with mom is probably not going to get any kind of positive reaction or result.

1.  This kid is under his mom's thumb.. he is pupetting her.. and he doesn't have the ability to buck her system.. he just doesn't.  Your husband may be his father.. for all realistic purposes.. his MOTHER is his sole parent.  Your DH may pay CS.. but he is not directly relying on your husband to feed him.. to provide him housing.. to drive him to a friends etc.. he relies on his mother 100% for all of that.. she is the one that is there with him..for him 24/7.  She may have twisted the system to be in that position.. but it is not the kid's fault... but he is subject to her whims.. and she could make his life very unpleasant if he doesn't do her bidding. (and he may well believe some of her stories at this point).  so grounding for something that to an extent is beyond his control is somewhat unfair to him.

2.  If there ever was a hope that this kid sees his father as a positive influence.. the last thing that  needs to happen is that his dad "saves up" punishments to meet out when he DOES visit.  

3.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't be having a heart to heart to ask the boy why he acts like a turd when he is with mom.. won't answer calls etc..  absolutely... the boy could be made to answer those questions.. but not sure grounding unless he has current "attitude" is fruitful