Stepmothers should be given any amount of wine they need or want for that matter free of charge. God should just leave a few bottles on the doorstep every morning.

You poor thing! We are all responsible for our own happiness and you don't seem very happy at all. Maybe you need to do some soul searching and make a decision on this

Old dart I too am 60. Like you never ever again. I have friends and family who have divorced, remarried and the adult kids on both sides are fine. Here however I have a DH who takes direction from his poor little girl who cannot cope with the years and years old breakdown of her parents marriage. Her mother died a couple of years ago and DH doesn't seem to have noticed she managed to get over that in less than a year. She is a manipative lying evil woman who wants to see us both dead. I think DH is resentful at times that I won't throw myself under a bus for her. Never ever again.

They really are not well are they. Not SD's not DH's. Just not well all

It is posts like this that bring me to tears...happy tears...Because I have dodged this bullet thanks to people like you who remind me of the hell I *could* be in! But I feel so badly for the women who are in it. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and understand your pain. I am very frustrated for you and I hope you find something to bring your happiness back! Without leaving, I think the only thing that will do this is lowering expectations of your dh and focusing more on your awesome kids. It takes a LOT of energy, but be both mom and dad and let your dh suffer for it. I'm sure you will be too tired to put out at the end of the day!

I think we've all had a moment or two of hiding in bedroom or in a bottle of wine. Honestly the longer I'm on this board, the more I believe the biggest issues with stepkids are the Parents--BOTH of them. The non-custodial Bio's are usually guilt-parenting which creates a whole lot of serious issues. The custodial Bio's are usually angry and not at all willing to work with the new family structure and in some cases, actively tries to damage the new family. (Or in my case, BM could care less about her kid).

It doesn't surprise me that the kids go one way or the other: Pick up the dark-side of the aftermath by becoming manipulative, vindictive, competitive, uncooperative. OR they go the "baby" route & want attention 100% of the time, get immature and needy, forever the 'victim'. Either way, no one is really happy--not the kids, not the new spouse, not the bio-parents.

If only the Parents would grow up and do what they can to minimize the damage to the kids by working together to create a stable home for their kids in both homes vs acting out of their own feelings, everyone would be much better off.

It makes me understand why some Parents divorce and never date until their kids are grown and then only date others who have no kids or also grown kids who are already functioning well in life. Have a glass of wine--throw the empty glass at DH's head when he comes into bedroom. It won't solve your issues but it'll make you feel better.

Don't throw the empty glass at your husbands head as advised above. It is plain wrong and bad advice. THROW THE BLOODY BOTTLE

I know how you feel. I have SD's I hate with a passion but if I leave my husband I'll have nothing. He ignores my daugher all week until his brats show up and then he wants to be "a family." I call BS!! I've told him numerous time what a fraud he is but then he turns the conversation around on me somehow and makes it my fault. I don't even know how he does it but I end up feeling like crap and walking away. He will not own up to how he treats my kids so there's no point in talking to him about it. I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to be intimate with him because of the ugliness I know him to be capable of! How could I have married such an asshole?!!

here here - I'll be the first one to pour us all a BIG glass of wine and we can chuck the bottle at whomever we choose!

Thankfully, I have a very understanding DH who put a stop to his manipulative little brat's mini-wife behavior early on in our relationship. She still is a thorn in our sides, even living at her mother's full time now but at least I don't have to look at her snarky face for now.

Patience, yes, I do feel like you today. Even I thought about marrying my husband more than twice.
Do you like your job? Try to get a job you love, or get a hobby and counselling as well.
when my SD comes, she has a severe psichological problem, she does not talk or respond to adults, anxiety disorder and other issues, I try to focus on my daugher, and work on my computer.
Of course I have to do all the cooking, laundry, take care of the whole family, but also when I am nervous I go to the park for running for about 20 minutes, and it clears my mind!
Hope you can resolve the situation without leaving.

Yikes. Hang in there! We could all use a vacation-but I liked the wine idea too!

Right there w/ya. Though, slightly jealous that they are only there 4 days a month. My SO and dumbass BM decided (without even asking me) that our steps now spend EVERY weekend w/us.

Hence my screename.

lol I dont think it is enough wine in this world to fix our problems. I am sorry that we are all going through the simplest thing that could be fixed by DH's. My SD (20) told me Wednesday night that I felt insecure. WTF!!! She put on an oscar winning performance that could have made her famous if anyone gave a dam. She cant seem to deal with rules and regs as to her being use to having her way. I told DH he had two wives. I was his bedroom wife and SD was the everything else wife. I know Jelly sometimes we just have to bite our tongue and mumble bc murder is illegal lol. Try to stay focus and if you plan on staying, tune them out. I have decided to disengage myself from SD. I have tried all I can and she plainely told me she was not going anywhere until she gets ready and she could get a job if she liked. Needless, to say DH just sat on his big ass while she and I had it out. I lost some of the love I had for him then. He is suppose to protect me. He was a single parent. Have only one child and that is the bratt from hell. SD dont have to be the way she is. It is a power struggle for her but I just love my husband. I want her to be independent but she dont want to share dear old dad but my kids can share their mom. Where the fuck they do that at???? Well I wish us all well. We have marriage counceling tomorrow. Hope it works and if not I have a house in the country just 7 mins from my job and 3 mins from my BD's school. My son lives with my sister so the ball is in DH's hand this week. I have taken all I can. SD dont want BD in her room but she goes in there and rambles in my daughter's room. We moved in their home. I am so tired and slowly moving my shit back to my house in the country an hour away. I have sisters that live here but hey it is what it is. Wishing us all luck and a free round on the house. lol

Look at this:

"I wish I would have met someone with no kids. No baggage. Nothing. I just ran away tonight crying. Tired from working 6 days this week, emotional from a long day..."

This is reality. Even love comes to an end when there is this kind of everyday issues. I'm not saying you don't love your partner, I'm sure you do, I'm just saying that love has its limits, and you found that you have yours too.

That being told, I suggest you to come up with a meeting with your kids, his kids and both of you and talk to each other about this. How can we spend a great time together? And another question to your partner... Why in the world you don't want to make an efford to spend more quality time with my kids? Tell him this is afecting you and you feel your kids are left apart. You should be able to say it outloud, and you have the right to be heard.

There is also something else you can do, you can prepared a day out with his kids, yours and both, go to an amusement park or something, and show your partner how funny this could be for everyone.

I have to say...I have been with my wife now for 8 or 9 years and have raised her 4 kids. We have one of our own as well and I have to say I have really grown to hate the kids. Can't stand them. There are 3 boys now ages 12, 15, 16 and a step daughter of 19 with a 4 month old baby. Things just keep getting worse as my wife's daughter just moved in with the baby. Talk about crowded house. It's unbearable enough as I have gotten to really resent the older boys. Over the years I have done everything with them and have raised them as my own although as they are in the teenage years I can't stand to see them. 3 space takers. They are rude, argue all the time (with each other) and it's just plain awful to be around them on a daily basis...it's such a complex situation it really is mind boggling. Not to mention I feel completely trapped and not so sure I I love my wife as much as I used to to endure a life time more of this.

So I can completely understand what you are saying about your step-kids.

Don't feel too guilty...there is a lot of info out there from well meaning rose colored glasses type of people, that suggest we should love our stepkids as our own, and if we don't, there's something wrong with us. That is the biggest lie in the world of family relationships. I resent the shit out of my stepkids. They are spoiled, whiny, bitchy and if their mom doesn't give into them its an all night affair of tears and fighting. Finally, FINALLY however, my wife stopped jumping between me and her daughter for once, when daughter tried to rule the house. SD told her she was a mean mother...Mom called her a little bitch and slapped her across the face. SD ran upstairs crying. I was cheering inside, and I told her "Sorry, honey, but that little gesture is about ten years too late, but nice effort."
When a BM starts to resent her own blood, you know it's bad, which it is. I hope your relationship can stand the test of all that you're going through...it is very tough to live in a blended family, and hats off to anyone who finds a solution. As I write, I just took a break from teaching music. I had asked SD to let the dog out (I've been in here for hours) there's dog piss on the floor and she's glued to her Ipad. So, no, don't feel bad. None of us asked for this shit, and we shouldn't be expected to tolerate it one bit.

my dh's kid is autistic and has a lot of physical delays. my kids are total boys, they break shit, touch stuff they shouldn't etc. My DH ALWAYS gives my oldest kid a hard time. I think because his kid and my oldest kid are so close in age, but his kid is still kinda like a 6 yr old and mine is like an almost 11 yr old. Does the same kinda shit as your DH. And I hate my skid too.

So, i'm good for hitting below the belt, I remind him that "this is what NORMAL BOYS DO".......then he usually shuts the fuck up

Oh, and if we're sharing wine, bring 2 bottles, i'll drink a whole one by myself!

Good luck girl!

Wow,how did you last this long ????

I am learning the hard way...

First I never should have gotten remarried. I should have just gone on my way with my two kids and I. Second marriages are rare to work and if the step kids don't have a strong parent behind them, you are not ever going to be happy yourself. The kids will always be an issue. Your kids will always be second, third or farther down the line and you will resent your step kids and eventually your spouse.

Now, if the step kids and the birth father are all normal acting this may not be the case. But let's face it folks...we are all broken. These kids are broken and the baggage doesn't go away. It is about how we deal with it. One person can not make a difference that is fairy tale world...there are too many extra outside forces working against you. It takes a strong couple to battle the kids/step kids in a second marriage.

And, let's just be honest here. When we remarried, we didn't marry the same person we were married to before...we may have gone in the opposite direction. Like in my case. Now I do have disneyland dad and his kids live with us 24/7. Such a terror for me as I have to deal with BS every day. I enjoy going to work just so I can escape.

I have said it time and time again, and I have counseled people who have talked about going through divorce...to really look at their issues because the grass isn't greener on the other side. It is tainted and it is NEVER the same. For all those who have made it work...kudos.

I hope you feel better soon.

This board should be required reading for anyone getting ready to have a blended family I was one clueless SOB...thought blending would be super easy and fun to boot!  The kids would get along great and sit around singing Kumbaya.  My STBX and I would co-parent like a couples figure skating pair at the Olympics....and her kids would love me and my kids would love her.  Yep, I was dumb as dirt and will have the divorce decree in a few months to prove it. 

Since this post is several years old now, I think I can say this. . . I got news for you:  "I wish I would have met someone with no kids. No baggage. Nothing."  Someone with no kids doesn't want to have to put up with yours for YEARS and get nothing (or worse) in return.  I know this is the divorced with kids parent's dream, to find a bioless partner and then it'll be like, ahh, with angel's singing and all of the attention on the related bios with the new spouse basically being stuck sucking it up and taking it every time, BUT think about the childless person here.  The one, who perhaps like Dave above, has no clue what he or she may be in for.

I am a bioless SP, and the amount of giving and sucking up I've had to do for someone else's children and ex- is unbelievable, and my SKs are not all that bad.  It really makes the relationship lop-sided.  Eventually, the childless partner is going to get PO'd, feeling like sloppy seconds every time, and then the partner with kids is going to act like, "What's wrong!?  Don't you like my kids?  Can't you try a little harder," etc., and then it'll start becoming all of the bios vs. the childless partner, and then the childless partner will feel like total shiatsu and have no base to use a gauge as far as what is right or wrong with kids, and this leaves him or her totally opened to being screwed, taken advantage of and gaslighted.

So, even a lot of professionals now recommend that if you don't have children, it is best to find a partner, your equivalent, who is also childless.  Or, I suppose, the opposite.  If you have children and have been divorced, find another partner who has children and has been divorced.  That way, there has to be a somewhat equal give and take on each other's part for each other's kids vs. the childless partner thinking they now have bonus kids, only to find out that instead they are stuck being the pushover every time because bio-dad or BM and his or her kids will gang up to get whatever they want every time and think little of accidentally on purpose screwing their childless partner over to get it.

I feel your pain!

I can't tell you how many days I have locked myself away from the step kids when they are here or just left the house to be anywhere other than home. 

Single life never looked so good some days.

I have my SKs for 6 days every two weeks and in the whole week blocks on the school holidays and I just dread those blocks ... it's like it's never going to end.

I understand the building resentment! It's certainly present in our relationship. Dad only seems to include his kids in the bubble of "plans" and his kids never include mine when they are talking to Dad about upcoming visitstion. 
Ive been actively disengaging for a while now and I have found it helps.  I do what I want when I want and I include his kids if I feel like it but feel no guilt if I don't. I take my own kids on holidays and when I go shopping the part of me that used to buy something small for everyone "to make it fair" is well and truely gone! Buy my kids $50 Xbox cards and nothing for his kids and not even a flicker of guilt of how it should be any different.  I work hard to provide for my kids and he has a job and if he wants his kids to get things he can do the same. 
I hope your situation improves.  I found the situation didn't so I just changed myself to a point where I was happy again and in a place I could make decisions just for myself and my own kids so they weren't missing out or getting less than they deserved because I was spread too thin!

Good luck

I've been doing this step parent thing for 4 years, the skids were 6 and 10 when I came in. Mother was absent so husband had them full time. I really thought it could work. The girl was very resistant but I figured that was normal and would work itself out with proper parenting. The boy was extremely agreeable and wanted to please so no problem there. My husband seemed very agreeable to making some parenting changes before we got married. I had gently mentioned that some of the ways the house was being run was not agreeable to me or a healthy parenting style. There was too much screen time, lack of bedtime, lack of structure in general, no healthy meals, too much junk, too much freedom for the younger one outside alone which was a safety concern to me, and they were generally spoiled and whiny. I thought with some changes and proper parenting this could be fixed in 6 months or so and we could be a fairly happy family, especially with bio mom absent. 
 

I could not have been more wrong. Turns out he was not as agreeable to changes, kept claiming he didn't understand the "system" which was just rewards and consequences, and as soon as I left the house the rules would go out the door with me. This left me looking like an evil step parent and also undermined the efforts to correct their behaviors. These are kids who couldn't sit at a restaurant properly or be taken anywhere without a scene. After reading posts on here I realize I could of maybe disengaged but apparently that didn't occur to me. I just can't live in a house with children being wild and destructive. The girl wrote on and painted on various things inside and outside the house. This was unbelievable to me and no consequence was given any of the times by her father. Well I overstepped and out a stop to everything. I told him that he agreed to this changes and we were married now and he needed to respect me as an adult in this house and the kids were to respect me and the rules as well. He half way went along wi th this but it was fight after fight. I did get my way but it would be a 3 hours fight after sometimes in front of the kids. I dug my heels in so to speak and did what was right but at the cost of my happiness in a different way. After years of fighting almost daily I really resented these skids and more and more was frustrated at where their mother was to take care of them. She called randomly and would talk shit on me to them but that was about it. she told them they didn't have to listen to me and put ideas in their head...great. I had words with her and told her to come take care of her kids if she was so concerned (this was after about 3 years of her not being around). 

Things got worse and it was just terrible he wouldn't co parent with me and be on the same page. I was asking for bedtimes to be reasonable on school nights so they wouldn't scream in the morning and to eat home made food instead of McDonald's and junk and to go out to decent places to eat with them. Well SD also had some sort of eating disorder where she ate until she puked so that was another fight because he was fine with that and I wasn't. Insanity. It got to the point after 3 years that I disengaged but in a different way, he was at work and I just stopped doing extra stuff for them. I fed them but stopped trying to make special meals, I didn't bother taking them to restaurants because it was a fight with their father over her getting an adult sized meal (then throwing up of course later), we did basic stuff like go to the pool but I refused to cater to their want of expensive shoes and clothes and I limited their screen time as I saw fit. I had them lamb outside 3 hours a day minimum so I could get some peace since they were older at that point 9 and 13 (which he acted like it was child abuse or something for them to play outside). Everything I did was looked at negatively. I forced them to do their homework. Apparently I was just some evil person so that's why I just gave up and started doing some shitty things like I would change the clocks back an hour or hour and a half so I could send them to bed early some nights. I just got fed up with their lying and my husbands lack of support. With all the arguing and my lacK of doing anything above basic for almost a year their mother finally stepped back into their lives and they live with her now. She is a huge trouble maker and thankfully we don't see the kids anymore but we still argue about them. I'm ready to just divorce him becuase even though the kids are gone he blames me for everything even though I had good intentions and tried hard for 3 years and gave up the last due to the fighting and my resentment and frustration. I just needed to get this out and tell someone how much I resent those kids, I feel like I hate them, and I regret marrying someone with kids. 
 

I guess I wanted to warn people that even if the guy seems agreeable I wouldn't believe him and see if he changes and does the right things for a while before marrying him. My life was miserable for 4 years due to the mistake I made of getting with him and we have fought so much that I kind of hate him and resent him too now. All the love is gone and I'm thinking of leaving now even though the kids are gone and we don't speak to them. I have 1 bio child with him and that's the only thing that has kept me around. Our fights have gotten physical it was that bad even after they left, people can fool you into thinking they are something but when they have kids especially it can be a problem when kids are in the middle. Just my story thanks for letting me vent.
 

SD was terrible from day 1 and her daddy just coddled her like an infant even though she was 6. She had the balls to ask me if I paid for the house. She was a rude little bitch and one of the biggest liars I've ever seen in my life. She also stole regularly from kids at school (of course no consequence from dad). So she had no friends and no one likes her because she tried to steal from kids all the time. That's how entitled she was. I believe there is a a psych diagnosis in her future.

10 years worth of daily nightmares...  All imaginable (by other step parents) situations in which I could go on and on recounting stories from hell my now 13 year old step daughter has put my husband and I through::  constant disrespect towards all efforts made towards a family--especially her happiness and well-being; continuous attempts to split our marriage (finally worked); complete colonization of belongings that are of interest to her (including apartment, car, my puppy); extreme economic and emotional manipulation of us...

---

About 6 weeks ago, I had a very troubling yet therapeutic catharsis.  It was as if I was on auto-pilot.  I had had enough.  I said things I had never said before, packed all of my belongings that were packable, and left.  The recent distance has allowed me to think calmly, although I know I will never truly heal nor fully understand exactly what happened.  

I realize this child wasn't born this way. This is not forgiveness....she is old enough now to know what she is doing and what she did. I affiliate as I was a child once, that she learned through other people's behavior and was conditioned to simply survive, albeit her tactic went extremely egoistical, greedy, self-centered. Each legal parent takes turns pumping that little ego to fix their own ego problems: the quest for love, attention, forgiveness, and that oh-so-stimulating competition.... So I am still giving her some leverage that, at 13, she should be starting to be capable of independently altering her emotions towards her envy, jealousy, greed, control, materialism, the whole collection from Pandora's box, actually. ifffy The problem is, she really enjoys this attention and control--especially one-on-one with each parent.   I don't play those games, so ouch....I became a threat to these tactics, and StepDAughter unleashed all brat wrath...

Fundamental Mistake: I cared. every time I mentioned that she should brush her teeth; that she shouldn't order an entire fried-egg-and-ham pizza for herself; that she should be studying instead of playing AmongUs, I was adding fuel to the fire.  I was feeding the narcissism she had acquired to control our household.  Her dad, who didn't want to be responsible of reprimanding her bad behavior out of fear that she would not want to visit him anymore (and she knew this), would reprimand me instead!   I finally threw my hands up in the air, after 10 years, and said, "Let her have zits all over her face, if that's what she believes will help her gain more control."

I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THE TICKET TO NOT GIVE A SHIT: If the legal guardians don't want me involved, then the heck with it!  I am not invited nor welcomed to care about her behavior problems.  If I offered to help her with homework, she tried everything possible to make me an ogre so she wouldnt have to study! MORAL: If someone rejects you, no matter who, it's their right to do so!  Just accept it, and forget about it!!!!!! All this time, I thought since I was responsible for her during joint custody, that I was suppose to help correct her bad manners....Babysitters have more authority and respect!!!!!! Let the parents hire one of those!  Let go and forget about it!!!! as long as their negligence doesn't infringe on others' rights.

What a relief, really. Seriously... So.. Either she will figure it out, or she won't!!! That's it! Two possibilities.  There are more important things in life than whether or not she washes her face or sits on the couch all day.  And the less I care, the less egocentric she will be.  See? I am actually helping her!!!!

In this time away, I am also understanding my husband.  He is another special case: fear of losing his daughter.  fear of being a bad father, fear of being a bad husband with a child from a previous, fear of losing his job, fear of being human in general....,fear fear f fear.... I am trying to encourage him and be more supportive of HIM.  Reality check:::::::...I won't make his daughter the center of attention ever again... I accept she has to be around.  I see it for what it really is: A COUPLE DAYS A WEEK to spend the night and take advantage of her dad choffering her around and use our WiFi.  Like I said, either she will become a better human, or she won't!  All I can do is support those who want my support. BUT No way can I demand she want that, even if I helped raise her.  And everything I have ever done for her is what I did to be a good human. The rest is history.  BUT she can't be the center of attention in my life anymore.... As long as she has it, she controls me, my marriage, my life...aside from the fact that her mother also controls her.... can of worms.....

IN SUM: MY ADVICE IS THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND THE HAPPINESS YOU DESERVE.  I know it sounds antihuman, but, it's not.  It's pro-you and eventually it spreads to benefit other humans!  You deserve so much love, and people who thwart that--no matter what age or background--- should be ignored until they learn that love is not controlable (since we can't cut them out of our lives) 

Oh hell.. how I can relate. I just did this the other weekend. Took my bottle of black berry and was going to go find me a good place to park. Instead I decided I wasn't going to get obliviated over the ordeal or on her account and drove around and chain smoked for a good hour and a half. When I came home, I went up stairs, shutting all the doors behind me and I went to bed. Fuck you, fuck her, fuck you all, leave me the hell alone. 

Next time I won't be the one leaving... C'YAAA! 

This thread is old but it resonates with me so much. My husband's kids were dumped here at the beginning of COVID last year because their school went entirely online, so their mom and my husband figured it would be great to just let them move here into our house for 6 months. I think I am losing my mind thinking about something like that happening again. It was about this time last year when they came for Spring Break and never left until September. Help please I want to run away.