Advice please! Just found out BM got “Proof” to show SS13 he came from Sperm donor
Ok about 18 months ago I posted BM came out and told SS13 he was Biologically hers BUT not DH. This is true but DH was only telling SS13 if needed and when he became an adult. BM did it Purely to try and Alienate SS13 and weaken his bond with DH.
DH never mentioned it to BM or SS13 that older SS17 told DH. We have not heard anything in 18 months so forget about it till last week. Older SS17 told us SS13 got mad at BM for not buying him something and out of the blue SS13 told BM he thinks she was lying about DH not being his Biological father and wants BM to prove it. Well Older SS17 told us BM called the IVF place and asked for "paperwork" regarding this. DH then called the place himself and yes they told DH BM did call and request the records. The reason BM gave them is SS13 was asking questions about where he came from. Not true. So now BM has all the paperwork with the Sperm donor's information(no name of course) and plans on sharing this information with SS13. Older SS17 over heard BM telling SS13 "you wanted proof so now I have it in this folder and we will go over it next week".
So what do you think DH should do??? Yes he probably should have said something when he first found out BUT that Opportunity is no longer available. So now what would be DH best course of action?
Well... she didn't lie to the
Well... she didn't lie to the agency... he did ask her for proof.. so he did have a question about it.
Unfortunately, most of what I see advises that kids should be told as soon as possible in age appropriate ways about where they come from.. adoption..IVF etc... your DH and his EX missed that opportunity.. and her timing of telling him and her apparent motivation aren't great.
Of course your DH could head this horse off at the pass right now and sit him down.. explain what they did.. (donor).. why they did it (they both wanted a child very badly and this was the only way) and what it means (They are both his parents and both love him very much.. DNA doesn't dictate parenthood). DH should apologize that he and his mom hadn't given him this information earlier... but that they had originally decided that they thought waiting was best.. but that doesn't seem to be the case now.. so he wants to make sure SS can ask him anything he wants to know.. and let him know that he is 100% his son.. and nothing changes about THAT.
DH needs to sit him down and
DH needs to sit him down and talk to him about it, and let him know that he considers SS his son, period, no matter who the biological father.
What a bitch BM is.
SS being born to an IVF donor
SS being born to an IVF donor does not negate the fact that DH is his dad. Time to go on the offensive and the full facts all of the time campaign to align the Skids with the full facts regarding their existance, the divorce, and any crap that XW/BM perpretrates against the Skids, DH, or you.
People think that withholding facts gives puts
them some kind of ethical high road of supariority when it actually gives the toxic opposition license to do whatever they want to manipulate.
Facts are neither good not bad, they are merely facts.
Deploy the facts as constantly and in the most effective way possible to shut up the toxic oppostion, to give the kids the facts they need to minimize the manipulations perpetrated against by BM and protect themselves from their toxic BM now and through their adult lives.
My SS-28 was the target of our version of the BM maniplations you and your family are subject to. His SpermClan, particularly SpermGrandHag was hell bent on demonizing his mom, alienating him from his mom and I, and positiioning his mom as denying them time with him. So, we went all out with the facts. As he got older and in response to their manipulative crap we reviewed the CO with him, we reviewed the supplemental jurisdictional/county rules with him, we reviewed the State regulations with him, and we reviewed the court recordings, toxic V-mails with him, and the journals of all of the crap they served up over the years. As he got older he was able to immediately call them on their liesf during SpermLand visitationput them in their place, and has kept them there as he has progressed successfully in his life as an adult.
Give the Skids the facts. Let BM live the consequences of her lies as the SKids learn the facts and learn to protect themselves from their toxic manipulative BM.
DH should talk to SS as soon
DH should talk to SS as soon as possible, give him the facts and reassure him that he's his son regardless and he loves him. Then let SS know that he's open to whatever questions he has, whenever he comes up with them. The kid deserves answers - he's probably been stewing over this for 18 months while DH forgot about it.
Since BM opened pandora's box
Since BM opened pandora's box DH should definitely talk with SS. You don't want the kid to only get whatever version BM gives him.
DH should reassure him he is still his child.
There really is nothing to do
There really is nothing to do but to face up to a difficult conversation and have it with his son. He can't keep ignoring it thanks to BM, he can't try to deny it (because it is true and their is proof) so the only option is that he must face it and talk to his child.
Wasn't there a similar
Wasn't there a similar situation recently when someone's DH told his son that BM isn't true bio parent as they used egg donor even though BM gave birth. Some people hate their exes more than loving their kids. Despicable people
Sperm and egg is not what makes one a parent