Hey guys. I posted here about a year ago about feeling insecure about my partners ex. I got feedback that I was not ready to hear, got defensive, and if anyone who interacted with that post is reading this, I am sorry. I’ve just reread all the comments and really took them in and had a good cry, and I think you were all right. I am now considering leaving him, and I need some advice. I apologise in advance for this long post. I feel very alone right now, and I have no idea who can help me. Important context I missed out in my last post is that neither of us are neurotypical, and this is why I have cut him so much slack with all of this and let it go on so long.

At the time of my last posting I wasn’t seeing his kids. We were living together, and we were dealing with that by hiding me. This arrangement was only meant to be for a few weeks- it was a rushed move-in, because I had to move anyway and we thought there was no point in me getting a new place when we already basically lived together, so the plan was that he’d put his foot down to BM and insist the kids had to meet me.

Me hiding lasted 8 months. Things kept happening, her dad died, they were having trouble with school, just more and more things that she used as excuses to him to put it off because the kids “weren’t ready”. This had an incredible affect on my mental health. I didn’t feel secure in my own house. I couldn’t even put a picture of my family on the wall or leave my coat on the rack.

So, fast forward to the beginning of lockdown. Obviously it wasn’t feasible for me to stay hidden while no one could be out of the house, so I was introduced- as a friend who needed somewhere to stay. Again, this was meant to be temporary. We wanted to let them get used to me and establish a bond organically, especially because it was going from 0 to 60 with me being a stranger to constantly being around. This happened really quickly, we get on so well, I adore them and (i think) they’re pretty fond of me too. But, and I’m sure you can guess where this is going- nearly a year on from the first lockdown, they still don’t know I’m his girlfriend. They are young (don’t want to give specific ages for privacy) but tbh, I think they’re starting to suspect something. They’re old enough to know that people with kids generally don’t have roommates. They’ve asked several times why I even live here in the first place, and other tricky questions. I never know what to say. I am not a good or natural liar. Selfishly, that alone is causing me such anxiety that I can’t really enjoy being around them and I'm stressed when they're here. I am both incredibly hurt for myself that this has gone on so long, and increasingly angry on behalf of the kids that he thinks it’s okay to lie to them about something so big.

BM’s kept her nose out of my relationship with them and has been nothing but nice about me to them and to my SO, which has been a real relief. However she and my SO still definitely have their issues, and he’s still not doing anything about it. She decides when and how long the kids are here for, she changes her mind last minute, she leaves them in the lurch when they think they’re going to hers. She hasn’t been covid safe at all and drags them to all kinds of crowded situations and big family parties, even when those things are against restrictions. It’s frustrating. She doesn’t take his opinion seriously about things to do with the kids. He bitches about these things to me, but won’t talk to her about them which is the only advice I ever give him. He says him pretending everything is fine is the card holding the house up, and that if he starts challenging her, she’ll go back to being nasty and twisted like she was after they broke up. I say that this is no better than that, and that if he just keeps letting her piss all over him, she will do it for the rest of the kids lives.

I am still incredibly insecure about her, but I am no longer putting all the blame for that on me. While I still don’t think there’s anything going on between them i also think that anyone would feel like they won second place in this situation. 

An unhelpful factor is that we were friends when they were together, and friends when they broke up. I have listened to him cry over this woman. I have heard him say that she was the love of his life and that he’ll never be happy again, and while that was before there was anything between us, these are the things that run through my mind and stop me from sleeping.

Part of me thinks we would benefit from couples counselling, (I am in therapy myself) but I also think that’s maybe pointless when it’s him and her that need some mediation. Part of me thinks that maybe this is all just too messy now. Everything feels tangled up and I don’t know if I can unravel it. Realistically I know now that we moved in together far too quickly, and this would all have been so much easier if we'd waited, but it's too late to do anything about that. I keep telling myself that things will be better once the kids know, but when I really think about it, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to feel secure in this relationship after everything that’s happened, or if he’ll ever put up the boundaries with BM he needs to for this to get better. I don’t want to give up on this and I want to try everything we can to make it work but I also cant do this any longer without the kids knowing about us, and i don’t want to hurt them. I’m not sure it’s fair for me to insist they’re told about us when I’m no longer 100% sure I’m going to be able to stick around, and maybe the right thing to do is for me to bow out now so there's minimum pain caused. I love him with all of my heart. We have such a beautiful future planned and I really believe he’s my soulmate. I can’t imagine a life without him, and I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if he’ll ever change, and I can’t go round in these circles for the rest of my life.

I guess what I’m asking is, does this sound like a lost cause to you? Can this be fixed? Any creative solutions?