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Not music to my ears (the sequel)

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 4:50pm

Hello! A couple months ago around Christmas time, I had a vent session with you kind strangers. I had expressed doubt and frustration about the living situation and state of my relationship with my boyfriend. To recap: he's got 8 bio-kids (from the same woman). Six of the kids recently moved in with us full time unexpectedly. Their bio mom is said to have been an unfit parent who had mental issues. So I attempted to go with the flow and accept the kids. They range in age from 12-18. It's been a rough transition, as the kids, although not inherently evil, are destructive and disrespectful. My stuff has been used without my permission, and my cats are stressed out by all the noise. Everything I value at home has been taken away. Well, here's what happened in the mean time, as I have pondered all your wonderful, smart advice: one of my cats went missing. I think he followed the kids out one night, and since they are careless, they never noticed him. My cat is an indoor cat, and he hasn't come home. Of course, although I'm praying for a miracle, I'm fearing the worst. I'm furious at the kids. I have put up with so much crap from them, but my cats are my babies. I have not spoken to them since. I'm wielding the last bit of power I have. I know it's petty, but I'm devastated. Do I have a right to be angry at these kids ? Thank you for any thoughts you would like to share. 

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 5:08pm

Not knowing your situation, I would suggest moving out...and allowing your So to visit.

sorry to hear of your kitty going missing, I would be out of my mind. I dont even like when my cat stays in the backyard overnight.

If things are bad now, they will more than likely get worse and do you really want to be in a game of silence with children?

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 5:21pm

Yes, you should be furious that your cat has gone missing.  I bet none of his darling kids even care.

Please do yourself (and your remaining pets) a favor and move out.  Give your BF a few weeks to sort out the mess or make the exit permanent.

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:21am

Thank you for your straight forward advice!! I appreciate it so much ! 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 6:45pm

You should never doubt whether or not you should feel a thing. The fact you do says to me that you have been programmed to eat s#%€ sandwiches without complaint.  You SO should feel embarrassed by his heathens and for them losing your cat and destroying your stuff.  Would he allow that to happen at his parent's home? Friends home?  Or is that abuse just for you?   
He has not made you co-captain of the ship and they are running wild, mutiny is a given.  
Adults run the house and set the rules with consequences for breaking them.  Who are the adults in your home ? 
 

He might be a "great guy" but not for you.  He sounds like someone who should be in your past.  
 

Love yourself more.  

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:20am

Whoa! Can I just say I used your expression "shit sandwich" on my boyfriend last night after reading your comments! He is making me feel bad for cutting off the kids and not speaking to them. But why should I bend over backwards when they've ruined my home life ???Your suggestions are so spot on. Also I thoroughly enjoyed the line "someone who should be in my past". This thoroughly resonated with me. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 11:21am

I also had a lot of kids to deal with , he brought four, I brought 3 and we had one together a few years  down the road.  I had many things ruined by his kids, but it didn't really hit home until mine left his "vintage" boom box out in the rain.  Oh boy was he sad but didn't really fight it because I wouldn't allow it.  No way was he going to ride the pity train with me.  We are way past that time now, they are all adults now.   I really don't get why people don't parent their kids.  It's a reflection on them. Period.  

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 10:03am

Agreed! A reflection on them! Exactly!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 9:00pm

Cats do not act like dogs when they get out - their first instinct is to hide. Check every place outside in your yard and all the neighbor's yard that the cat could hide. Under porches, in garages, in culverts, in sheds, up trees, etc.

Most cats will not come when called, you either need to find them, or they come home. Go out at night with a flashlight, you can easily see the reflection of their eyes.

Put the litterbox and food and water and any bedding outside - this will often bring them home.

This would be a deal breaker for me...

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:15am

Thank you for offering suggestions on how to get my cat to come home. I'm worried he just had it with the place and wanted to get the f out of here anyway. I wish I could apologize to him for not making things better. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 3:12am

Losing your precious cat is only the beginning of what you'll lose if you stick around this insanity. The lesson is in front of you, so learn it and act on it. You don't matter to these people; your possessions and pets don't, either. They'll just use and abuse you, suck the marrow from your very bones, and not give it a second thought. You will sacrifice your self, and get nothing in return. 

You are an adult woman. You have autonomy and agency, meaning you are choosing to stay in this crazy, messed up, ridiculous relationship. It's not going to magically get better, and no one is going to save you. You have to save yourself.

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:13am

Thank you for taking the time comment and for reminding me that this is a choice. I know it sounds crazy, but it's so hard to think of any other options. I have the "comfort" of what I know, but I guess this is my own warped view of reality. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 3:17am

If you continue to live in a house that you can't even call your home because your comfort is compromised you will continue to fall into a state of depression. 

Right now that is my battle with SO since SKs have come here indefinitely. They will abide by my rules or everyone is out. 

SO has finally started to step up and as long as he is on board I'm willing to put up with a few discomforts temporarily.  

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:11am

Glad you understand what I'm going thru, but sorry it has caused battles for you and your SO. Thank you for taking the time and reminding me that there are men out there who will step up and be better partners and parents. I think a big problem is my boyfriend refuses to put his foot down. And he makes me feel like the bad guy for having a problem with his kids. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 7:36am

OP, Mother Theresa herself could not make a stepfamily with 8 effing kids work. Please accept that it's really not possible, especially if your SO won't parent his brood.

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:07am

Well I had to laugh a bit at the Mother Teresa comment. Thank you for taking the time to comment!

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 9:13am

This is a no from me, I would find your own place, date the guy if you thinks he's worth it and not live with him.

As for the kitty I hope it finds its way home to you, and hopefully it wasn't snatched by somebody who figured it was a lost cat and decided it was theirs now.

stepgf212's picture

Submitted by stepgf212 on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 10:05am

Thank you for taking the time to comment! I really do love the idea of just having my own place. So much less stressful!! 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Tue, 02/02/2021 - 2:31pm

8 fkin kids....omg

 

Your pets are gone because of the monsters....

I would just change from a relationship arrangement to where you all live separately if you can...its just too many kids and too big of a responsibility especially if he does nothing

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Wed, 03/03/2021 - 12:33pm

If I were your cat, I wouldn't return, either. 

Think about that. Your cat would rather live outdoors, away from his tribe and comforts, than in your bf's crazy, chaotic home.

You need to be at least as brave as that cat, and get the heck away from that dysfunction.