Adult SD with Autism
I have a 24 year old SD with High Functioning Autism. I've been with her father for 5.5 years and married almost 2 of them. He is a recovering alcoholic and for the first couple of years she was in/out of his/our lives as she couldn't handle his on/off alcohol problems and we were good - which is why I married him. Fast forward to immediately after we are married - she decides that he's ok and wants to spend weeks at a time with us in our home. When she's there, she doesn't work outside the home, doesn't leave to attend any type of vocational classes, doesn't help with household chores and basically plays all day with her dad (that is retired) while I'm at work. I cook most evenings and clean the house with no help from her or him for that matter. Their relationship makes me uncomfortable at times and I feel that he doesn't put forth the same amount of effort into our marriage that he does in rebuilding his/hers. (Right now it's crumbling to the point that I'm leaving for a couple weeks to reflect on what to do) As a result of this, I feel resentment towards her and have difficulty being happy in my own home when she's there. It's not her fault and I know this and struggle with trying to be nice when she's there. What is her fault is that she plays her father by wanting to leave if she's given any type of chore or expectation that she doesn't want to do. Her mom allows this and comes to get her, unless she's out of town of which she seems to enjoy her freedom to leave more often now than in the past. When she does leave he texts her constantly telling her how much he loves her and his life would be meaningless without her. I basically feel like I'm around to help keep the house in order and to assist with the financial obligations that his retirement falls short with. He expects me to allow her to talk to me as if she's my parent by telling me to do certain things and if I stand up for myself I hear the "she's got a disability and you're the adult and should just ignore or do what she says". He also has explosive tempers if I ever take up for myself.
I don't think she'll ever be capable of living on her own because neither of her parents are open to giving her the tools to move towards it, so this is a situation that will be around forever. I feel they use her disability as a crutch to be spiteful towards each other (that's part of the reason for their divorce ).
I struggle with my options of :
A. Letting her exist in our home without doing anything and keep my mouth shut -
B. Divorcing him
I'm loosing myself in this and feel depressed on the regular.
Sounds like A is untenable
Sounds like A is untenable for you - so B is all you have left.
Your DH needs to be told that
Your DH needs to be told that he's going to die one day and so is BM. They are doing their daughter a huge disservice by not making her be as independent as she possibly can be. If her autism is as high functioning as you say, she could be capable of employment and possibly some kind of semi- to fully independent living situation. If your husband is so hell bent on falling all over himself to kiss her behind that he won't even think about that, he may be a lost cause.
I forgot to mention that I've
I forgot to mention that I've asked for the last 6 months to go to counseling, yet he doesn't seem too interested in. His reasoning behind the hesitation is that he'd been through it with his last marriage and when he went through his alcoholic treatment program and doesn't believe that it helps.
Are you the wife or maid and bed warmer
Put your foot down. It's either. SD or you. It's his choice. You are not going to live that way. Buy something worth $500 and charge it to DH.
Get your ducks in a row
Since your DH is allowing adult SD be the wife of the house, I personally wouldn't contribute a dime to the household or lift a finger to clean. I would slowly gather all my treasured items and move them to storage. Once all the items are out of the house, I would make sure that when the time comes all I had to do was pack my clothes and flip DH the bird, then walk out the door.
Good advice
Good advice..thanks !
I have a HF Autistic stb 21
I have a HF Autistic stb 21 yr old that lives with us full time. I am going to write out a blog later today of the frustrations I have with him over the last few days. His mother hasn't seen him in years and hasn't had custody since they split when he was under 1 yr old.
I flip my shit on SS on the regular. It is the only way he responds to anything. Asking nicely doesn't work. Printed daily activity/chore charts don't work. Phone alarms don't work. Nothing we can come up with will work. He struggles BIG TIME with hygiene and other basics.
DARS is a wonderful program and if she is not in it with the state, advocate for her! I was the driving force for my SS and it has been a life saver! He has a job- 4 days a week for 4 hrs. He has a job coach. He is in a vocational training program that he takes night classes to complete, with job placement when he is done. There is purpose and goals for him. He is held accountable by them. They have so many resources. It took me over a year to get him in and I was the crazy lady who called once a week until an opening happened.
I will say my saving grace in my frustrations with my SS, is my husband. He always has my back. Even the couple of times he didn't agree, he was right there saying that we will follow JMTBs rules and you will respect her. We later talked in private and made adjustments.
Wonderful to hear
Thanks for your input, it's great to hear a success story and gives me some scrap of hope for mine. I wish my husband always had my back but the unfortunate part of the marriage is that more times than not, he doesn't. My wish is that she at least attempt to be a contributing member of society but it seems that she's been a crutch for both of her parents. I'm hoping counseling will either wake him up to what he's doing or provide me with the ammo to do what I need to maintain my sanity.
I would start by putting a
I would start by putting a wall calendar up/weekly planner up and incorporate one daily task for her whilst she gets used to the idea. Meltdowns come with lack of forward planning or anything new to the routine. It is achievable- in baby steps.
Tried that already
I tried that already and it failed misserably because she didn't want to do it and her father didn't want to push or persuade her. She doesn't seem to be the typical autistic individual that I've read about as routine is not her thing nor is forward planning. If you plan and attempt a routine she tries her best to deviate. She only wants to play all day on her computer in her room.
Press charges for her credit
Press charges for her credit card theft. Autistic or not... crime is crime and since daddy is a ball-less wonder let the authorities deal with her and resolve your problem.