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Keeping quiet and seeing it over for peace' sake

Maddisson's picture

Submitted by Maddisson on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 6:24am

I am 56 years old. Married for 13 years. Having a SD of 34 who is never married, and had lots of boyfriends, but short term relationships due to her unstable personality. His 3 children was very rude to me since the beginning and did not befriend us for 10 years. We lived abroad for 5 years, returning last year. My SD started to see my DH behind my back, and my DH also kept their meetups from me. He bought her a Harley Davidson motorbike to drive around with him. We have a bike too. I only saw the bike 6 months after he bought it. Did not informed me about it. My DH took time off work and flew unexpected times to South Africa and leave me behind in another country to spend time with my SD. I only found out about this lately. My SD is a surrogate wife to him.. She informs him of diets, brings homeopathic meds for him, calls and msg him daily. She is taking over my role in his life. He is keeping everything from me and lie about everything. They go out on drives together with the bikes, without telling me. My DH also decided to stay separate from me for the past 8 months. He lives on the farm, and I'm in the city. We never discussed this way of living. I always told him that I will never live on the farm permanently, by which he responded that it will never happen. He never make contact with me via calls or messages, except urgent emails about things important to be done. I feel deceived and cannot trust him anymore. Am I selfish or wrong by feeling this way? 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 6:33am

What's the point in keeping quiet for the sake of peace? Don't you want this situation to change? Because staying meekly in your corner isn't going to do a thing. Aren't you afraid he'll fritter away your (your and his) finances spoiling his daughter?

Maddisson's picture

Submitted by Maddisson on Tue, 02/09/2021 - 12:43pm

Yes he already fritters away some on her...

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 7:00am

I'm so sorry that your relationship with him has changed so drastically.  Unfortunately, this is not a stepchild issue really.. this is a massive husband problem.  He is the one choosing to live his life almost exclusively separate from you.  Whether he spends time with his adult daughter.. his mates.. or even "another woman".. he has crafted a life for himself that doesn't include you.

In some ways...you too have settled on your own life in the city.  It's not that you might not be welcome in the country.. but you don't want that.. but apparently that is what he wants.

I'm not certain what his motivation for seeing her without you knowing is.  Is it that he knows you would not approve of him spending time with his daughter?  Is it because he knows you would disapprove of him spendiing any money on her.. is it his money? your money? joint money?  While not close, do you have a hostile relationship? does he have reason to believe that you dislike her and that could be a motivation?

It is not entirely unusual for a parent who feels they have been somehow estranged from a child to swing the pendulum back the other way when the child wants a relationship.. disney dads and mini-wife syndrome can happen at any age.  He may feel some guilt for going along with being away or emotionally unavailable to his child in the past and is somehow trying to make up for lost time?  He even may (unfair or not) have some resentment that you drove some of the estrangement?  Were you the "other woman" that broke up his marriage to her mom?  I mean... yes.. HE is the one who cheated on the mother if that is the case.. but the child will still often villify the "other woman" and it's a hard bridge to cross.

I do agree with winterglow... when you appear to have so little left of your life together as a couple in tact.. it's not just that he sees her.. but he doesn't even live with you most of the time...

Why not pursue a divorce?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 8:38am

This sounds like how someone breaks up with a BF/GF without actually telling them they are breaking up. It's petty then, but it's absolutely bonkers and uncalled for when you've been married for over a decade.

OP, I am so sorry, but your marriage is over. Your SD has taken your spot as his wife, and it seems the only thing you're useful for is "important" items that SD isn't capable of (I'm assuming anything related to finances and sex, because it sounds like your H would never ask his daughter to finance anything and I assume he isn't sleeping with her).

Find an attorney and draw up divorce paperwork. Or at least file separation papers to try and protect yourself financially. This isn't right. If you're okay living this way, then I suppose you can keep living this way. But my guess is that you're not since you're asking if you are wrong. No, you're not wrong.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 9:56am

He is the one disrespecting you.   I could never live this way. You must have that talk. Tell him this has to stop. It's either SD or you 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Mon, 02/01/2021 - 1:28pm

Beat the ass to the finish line. Serve him with divorce papers. Hope the bitch mini wife and sicko dad enjoy eachother. Take this shit DH to the cleaners. Poor mini wife they will learn to live on just love with her daddy cause you got all the cash LOL