*Ahem*  Please, please use paragraphs. Pretty please.

Many new members arrive here in a highly emotional state. They need support, and pour their hearts out. But that long wall of continuous words can be very difficult to read, so please break it up with white spaces. That way more members will read your post, and you'll get better feedback.

If you start your posts with..."I've only known my SO a few months/weeks/days, but they are the love of my life!" You probably aren't going to like the feedback.

Or if you start "So me and SO started seeing each other before they divorced and now I'm worried I'm being cheated on by the love of my life!"  Again probably won't like the feed back.

Check out the acronyms before you post "I'm not sure of the acronyms...so I'm going to call SO..."husband 1",  SS "the child 2", my bio child "the child 2.5", our baby "the child L", and the ex "person 134".  
 

Also realize we don't live your life, we don't know the whole story, we are just offering advice based off the snippets of information you provide. 

"We've been together 4 months and live together. He's amazing and a great and loving father, but he has 6 kids with 3 high -conflict women, they all have behavioral issues and he won't discipline them. He pays 4x the child support he's ordered to pay even though he has the kids most of the time, so I have to support him. We live in a 2 bedroom house and I'm now pregnant. How can I make this work?"

Don't expect sympathy from me.

Just because you were friends first doesn't mean that you actually know him or that he'll make a good partner.

"We moved in together after dating for one month, but I knew him for a year before." is not a smart life choice and probably won't garner much empathy.

I just can't get myself to to comment on a lot of the blogs. Waste of time and energy because some just don't want to hear the truth. Sometimes, I start writing and then just think, "forget it" and delete.

We give advice, they make excuses. We try to tell them they have a partner problem, they make excuses. In the really bad scenarios, we tell them to save themselves and leave, they make excuses. Yes, there are reasons a person can't just up and leave right now, "but he's really a great guy and I love him", doesn't cut it when abuse is happening. ANY kind of abuse.

What we support on this site, is that being a step parent doesn't mean being an emotional (or physical) punching bag. We support a person's right to feel comfortable in their own home, to be treated with respect, to be acknowledged as a person.

We do not support the dysfunction that the rest of the world seems to think we should just deal with. Ya know, because we knew what we were getting into. We will not support someone being manipulated, gaslighted, and used, and give advice on how to just suck that up because, other than that, he's a great guy. I mean, "once a week, for five minutes, he's nice to me", is just not enough.

And yes, please, for the love of GOD, get to know someone and their family dynamics before you marry them. Geez!

Keeping it short and sweet here... basically alllllll the above!

One of my first posts mentioned DH was a "great dad." Whoo boy. LOL. A big learning item for me was to understand what a loving dad was vs. a good parent. There's a huge difference.

After I absorbed the above, I started work on myself and what I wanted. Disengagement soon started.

Some things were difficult (and still are) but those members here were rarely wrong. And new peeps you have to figure out what works for you, we ARE going to help. We GET IT.

"You don't like my kids"

"You're too mean/strict"

"You're the adult; they're just kids"

"You don t know what its like"

"My case is different/special."

"I'm a GOOD father"(usually said after admitting voluntarily OVERpaying CS)

"I can't please everyone!"

"What do you want me to do?"

"I'm taking the high road/I'm not like all those OTHER dads."

~Aniki breaks from cocktail mixing to applaud wildly~

Speak it, Sister!!!

So many other awesome tips and tidbits! Especially for those who have been in the relationship for a short time. It's a GIVEN that most people are on their best behavior in the beginning. Some for weeks; some for months. And there are those who are wonderful and awesome and perfect and amazing... until they get you living in their home and skid-sitting, pregnant, or a wedding ring on your finger. Then the real person emerges. 

We are not here to be mean. We see beyond your rose-colored glasses and are trying to save you time, money, and prolonged heartache/suffering.

Name your poison, STalkers! Hot, cold, extra-strong, virgin, soft drink... I make it all. 

FYI, I am currently working on a gingersnap martini. *dirol*

My favorite newbie line and one I used myself, even though skids when adults when we married. 

"He's so great and everything is perfect except when it comes to crazy BM and his kids!" 

Yes, remove a man from his responsibilities and his past and of course he's perfect.  The reality is is that he does have children who he will be financially responsible for up to 18 and possibly beyond. He does have an ex BM or maybe two who he will have to communicate with about their children on some level. Step life is not pretty, or easy, it's complicated and messy. Not for the weak or those who want an ideal fairytale romance.  
 

I think the best advice to give to any newbie to step life is to just be real about what you're getting into. It may get better but it may not. Second and third marriages with kids have a much higher divorce rate because of all the drama and extra responsibility. 
 

There are also those posters who have a hard time with the fact that he had a child with someone else. If it's that much of a problem then you really need to look elsewhere for a relationship. There are lots of single men out there who don't have children. I'm not sure why many posters set their hearts on a man with so much baggage and drama. If you want to fixer up project then step my life may be for you!  
 

To all of those with amazing boyfriends or SO's that are still married… Good luck with that. No moral judgment from me, just the sheer logistical factors of dating a still married man who has kids is ridiculous and only setting yourself up for heartbreak.  
 

I get that you don't wanna think your man is it all responsible for the step situation that he found himself in, but let's be real ladies these men have just as much responsibility as the BM's in this situation. After all they choose to marry these women! They had babies with them. In my situation the BM had serious issues with abusing her own siblings screaming and hitting them my husband knew this and married her anyway. Silly man then wondered why she did the same thing to him. I love my husband I do think he's an awesome guy but I know he is super flawed. He was just as responsible for the demise of his marriage and he's responsible for enabling his grown 30 ish yr old son. 
 

Bottom line is just be real about what you're getting into. You're trying to build a life upon his drama and his past expecting it to be perfect. Most the time these guilty daddies haven't even dealt with the problems or why their marriage failed or why their children are acting out. So many step moms come in riding on their white horses and think they could solve it all because they're nice people. It doesn't work that way

Trying to offer advice, experience, and help to the defensive know it alls is entertaining, frustrating, and a misuse of time to continue trying to offer wisdom.

When we arrive here, if we knew it all, we absolutely would not need to be here I can say with certainty my experience in step life has changed tremendously because of the experienced advice I received from the lived it long haulers here.

Thanks for the reminder errr Fireside Chat Lt. Dad!

They were 9 and 10 when I met them.  I've been on this site a long time and the first time was under a different user name.  I used to cry and cry and cry at some of the comments that were made to me under my different user name.  I'm a bit of a people pleaser.  I struggle with enabling.  I got a lot of tough love that hurt because it made me look within.  I'm still here 10 years later though because this community is awesome.  I'm not even in the thick of step life anymore.  I have a relationship with my older SD21 and we do pretty well now.  She was the one that drove me to this site. 

Why do have a relationship today?  I would say because the women here taught me about healthy boundaries and when to cut the rope.    I was also very close with the younger SD but now we have no relationship whatsoever and she is a toxic trainwreck.  The people here helped me to grieve and let go for the sake of myself and my DD6 who is her half sister.  

You may not like what you hear in the short term.  It may hurt.  It the long run though, you won't get better support and advice.    

And I'm a divorced person who gets a long great with my ex husband and his wife.  We do do 50/50 and no child support.  We do joint birthday parties and sit together at the soccer matches just not in matching shirts.  I act like a grown up and put my children's well being over my hurt feelings and I thought everyone else did the same.  When I became involved with a man with a toxic borderline personality ex wife poisoning and destroying her kids, I didn't know where to turn or what to do  This place really helped me.

I love his children like my own. Except...

A) No you don't. 
Especially if there's a but or except after the initial statement. 
 

Most kids will be cute and snuggly at five. If his aren't, run! If they are, beware the puberty about-face. Which is likely egged on by HCBM. 

If there's no court order in place, run! Or at least keep your options open until there is one. If you're going to hang in there while he's working through one, make sure disparaging the parent's partner is harmful to the child and is prohibited. 
If you're going to marry this dude, get a strong ore-nup. And if you financially support him in the rough early go, write up paper work that makes it a loan. You shouldn't be stealing from your retirement to pay for kids he couldn't afford to bring into the world. 

Thank you for keeping it real and ST has saved my sanity. I didn't understand and was completely out of my element at the real dysfunction that exists in stepfamalies. 

No one tells you about it. No one talks about it. So to get involved with someone with kids you are entering into that situation blind.  Your SO isn't going to tell you the truth because you would never stay. You see red flags but don't know what to make of them because you think it will be different. You know you are a good person and you tell yourself once they see that everything will be different. It will all work out, but it never does. You find yourself beaten down and sucked dry of any empathy or compassion you have left.

Until you wake up in your own personal hell and wonder how the hell you got here. Then you have to decide to stay or leave. If you choose to stay you are forever changed. That kind loving person who welcomed Thier bonus children with open arms is gone. Instead you are left with someone who lives each day in survival mode. Every action, every thing you do revolves around SKs, BM, SO and how you can avoid their issues and maintain your own sanity. 

You relish those times without SKs and breathe, preparing yourself for the next time they come. You count down the days to Thier adulthood like a prison sentence. Wondering if you will make it and if you do, will that change anything.

If you don't like what is said, as Lt Dad said take 24 hours to respond, but please do not come back on here and attack people for their blunt words. We only answer off what information you have gave us. Attacking other Stalkers is not a good way to start on here. Some of us have been in Step Hell for 25 to 30+ years and have a huge amount of experience with Step Hell. If you don't like what is said scroll on by to the next reply, because many of us will protect for each others reply.

Also if someone is super blunt, keep in mind that person's Step Hell might be one of the worse scenarios on this sites, so cut some slack to that person, since you do not know what is going on IRL with them.

And welcome to those newbies that stumbled in here, tired and worn from whatever struggle brought you here. I find that after over 4 years, the same issues are presenting and I reiterate the same advice that I was given for these very same issues.

Take heart, it CAN get better. Not always, sometimes to get better, you must leave that situation in the rearview mirror.

Ive been in this for more than 6 years. SD21, Feral Forger, and her mother Toxic Troll, drove me here. DH didnt have firm clear boundaries with Troll or SD21 (back when she was 15) and things really sucked back then. NOW, from my experience and my reading and advice from folks here, I have helped back up and support my DH through his divorce, through his child support modification order, through many trials with kiddos along the way (even the nice ones have triggers and issues) and here we are married for 2.5 years, bought our house together, purchased a fishing boat together, and are working bit by bit for a happy and healthy present/future. Yes, even through COVID lockdowns we still enjoy each others company.

DH is not perfect, and neither am I. I still have "those days" when I resent the fact that Toxic Troll is in my life. I still resent the whole child support system. I count down to when Munchkin SD14 (3 years, 5 months and a few days) is 18 and graduates high school - there are several apps for that I found that out HERE. 

Newbies - the advice I have gotten here, and more importantly the SUPPORT that Ive gotten here, rivals any that Ive seen in the online Facebook groups that are not anonymous. Advice ranging from tracking apps, household security systems (nanny cams and outside cams), therapy, what to do whens, how to emotionally deal with the stress, teenagers, has been invaluable. This site should be required reading for anyone that wants to date a man, or woman with kids from a previous relationship. 

Remember, Newfolk, you are not alone.

Now I need a margarita...