My Stepson is an Emotionally Abusive A-Hole
All 5 of my stepchildren are adults. This Christmas was a bit different than in the past due to COVID-19 and we all decided that socially distancing this year would be best.
To provide context, SS-38 asked his wife for a divorce just prior to Thanksgiving last year and they are still going through the divorce process. So, instead of doing one whole family Zoom, I decided to have two Zoom's. One for the entire family except SS-38 so that we could all visit with my grandchildren from SS-38 and his wife. Then have a second Zoom for the entire family and SS-38 minus his children and his wife (his wife and kids do not live with him, they are living with my daughter-in-law and her parents). Well, being the sweet man that he is (sarcasm) he decided that he didn't want to take part in his Zoom call and that he would telephone call the people he wanted to talk to individually because he wasn't allowed to take part in the "Varsity Zoom" is what he called it and had to take part in the "Junior Varsity Zoom".
On the weekend he had my granddaughters with him because it was his weekend to have them and he showed up at the house. Thankfully, the weather was good so that we could visit outside and keep the proper social distance between us during the pandemic. He then started going off about the two Zoom calls and how he wasn't going to take part in the "Junior Varsity Zoom". I attempted to explain that we had two Zooms in order to accomidate both his wife who also had the grandkids for Christmas and the second Zoom to accomodate him. He proceded to tell me what an idiot I was. I told him to leave. He refused to leave. He said I had no right to tell him to leave. I told him to get off of my property and he started laughing at me in front of my husband, my son and his sister and her new family. My husband just stood there and didn't do anything. SS-38 told me that I should give him respect by not talking to him and he actually turned his back to me and told me to shut up and told me I had no right to anything on my own place. I told him to leave. My husband said "shut-up" and SS-38 turned around and started laughing, looking directly at me. Clearly, he felt that my husband was telling me to shut up. My husband didn't do anything. I went into the house and waited for that abusive a-hole to leave. When he left, I had quite a conversation with my husband who is supposed to "have a talk with him". We'll see. It's been a few days now, and I don't want that jerk of a human being on my property ever again.
Comments
Read all your posts...
You are the scapegoat, and door mat for highly abusive step kiddos. And each and every time your H has allowed it (I wont write DH, hes not dear to me right now...)
Your posts are detailing the total breakdown of what is going wrong. Your H is allowing this to happen and when you dont "get over it", he gets distant.
Im sorry you are experiencing all this.
I hope that you have a good solid life insurance in place on your H, that you have solid wills in place, and that perhaps your need a double strong backbone, because your H does not have one...this has been going on way too long. What do you think you want to do about this?
Thank you CLove. This has
Thank you CLove. This has been going on for a long time. I am not sure what I want to do about this. I am processing it and trying to figure it all out. If my husband doesn't stick up for me, then there's a problem and this has been consistently a problem.
Well then you don't need him
Well then you don't need him in your life. You talk to GKs when you want and ignore SSs existence. He is aam child who is taking his frustrations out on you. Don't allow it.
I think you are right about
I think you are right about SS38 taking his frustrations out on me. I am his scapegoat and he goes there whenever he can. He picked me up one time and dropped me upsidedown in the kiddie pool on the deck. Why? Because he thought it was funny. My past neck injeries didn't think it was funny.... And no one said anything to him about it.
He's always throwing fits about something. There is literally no way to please him.
We often hear bitching on
We often hear bitching on this site about parents still including the ex in family stuff.
I don't blame him for being upset... you excluded him from the family call, but you included the ex... what SHOULD have happened is a call with HIM in the family one with the kids.... and if you really needed, one separate for the ex.
I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, he acted like a jerk... but I can see how he's be upset that his own family excluded him while including his ex, making her seen like she's still part of the family when the reality is he asked for a divorce and she's now nothing but his ex.
I agree, what the heck? He
I agree, what the heck? He should have been in the Zoom call with his kids and the wife is excluded. You can send her a Christmas card, or speak to her on the phone, but if they are getting divorced, then SHE is the one getting cut out of family Zooms, not him. If she had the kids, then do a second Zoom call with SS and his kids when they are with him, on another day. Or have the kids join from BM's, with SS included, but BM not invited. Unless they are infants, they can sit in front of a computer and talk to their family without BM there.
Frankly, I'd be deeply offended and reconsidering my relationship with my stepmother and father if they did that to me. I wouldn't have reacted abusively, but I would not have participated in the Zoom call and would probably not have spoken to either of you for a period of time. Clearly neither of you can see how hurtful and unfair this was to him.
This. Unless the kids are
This. Unless the kids are infants, XW could have set up the Zoom so Dad and kids could participate and then she could have left the room. Or the family Zoom call could have waited until he had parenting time with his kids. Or, insert any other option that doesn't involve the ex.
My MIL and DH don't have a good relationship in large part because of how she interacts with his XW. For my MIL, her grandkids trump everything, and her involvement has caused problems for DH in the past. Time with MIL was seen by BM as time with DH because the boys were with their "paternal family". MIL would be the first asked if she could babysit, and even if DH were off and available, he'd miss out on time with his kids because she got so enmeshed with BM. Then when MIL would piss off BM for some reason, BM would withhold the kids from DH, too.
I'm not excusing his behavior on your front lawn, nor am I excusing your wet noodle husband who should have had your back and called the cops if needed. But including the ex while excluding him for the sake of a relationship with your grandkids is a BIG no.
Came here to say this exact
Came here to say this exact same thing.
Yeah. He acted like a total jerk...but his read of the situation was correct and fair. He was demoted to the "Junior Varsity" Zoom in favor of his kids and his ex. That's really hurtful behavior.
Now...if he has a history of emotional abuse and bad behavior...that's a different matter. In this instance, I think his feelings are more than justified. He shouldn't have been a jerk or told you to shut up on your own property...but I can see why he's angry.
FWIW, there's something about grandparents who treat the parent(s) of the grandchildren like brood stock that really irks me. One of my sisters has 3 boys, who her MIL is gaga over...but she treats my sister like a total inconvenience to their happy little family. Angers me to no end.
Bottom line...you get to those kids THROUGH their dad. You don't go around him and make side deals with his ex!!!
SS38 is emotionally abusive
SS38 is emotionally abusive and has a history of practicing it on anyone that doesn't favor him over everyone else in the family. I imagine that's why my husband didn't say anything. He wouldn't want to get the wrath of SS38 thrown his way. I walk on eggshells around SS38.
I agree. Your SS sounds
I agree. Your SS sounds extremely emotionally abusive and instigating and it's no wonder he's getting divorced. But, I also think he should have been included in the Christmas call (Varsity) and he and his kids be included in the Junior Varsity call at a later date. It sucks for your grandkids though, especially since he initiated the divorce and maybe everyone likes the ex more (which would make sense given what you've written). For my DH, he specifically asked his family to cut contact with his ex after the divorce. They tend to keep contact with his siblings' exes and DH did not want that. They abided and all unfriended her, etc. They may exchange holiday cards but that is the extent of their contact. All skid-related stuff is never through the ex.
Your husband should have stood by you and stuck up for you. I would assume that having the ex and kids in the Varsity call was his decision too, so I don't understand why the anger is directed towards you and your husband isn't doing anything about it.
Thank you secret.
Thank you secret.
There were two Zoom calls, both with the family. One for him and the family, one for his not-yet-an-ex-wife and grandkids as, according to their parenting plan, it was her year to have their kids at Christmas. Next year, SS38 will have their kids at Christmas.
SS38 didn't want to participate in the family call set up for him. My mistake to even try to figure out how to set this whole thing up. I thought I had it figured out, but apparently, I screwed it up. Although, I did talk this over with my husband and he felt that this Zoom plan would work out just fine. In reality, it gave SS38 something new to act out upon.
But - I'm not a narcissist,
But - I'm not a narcissist, and I would have been very offended, too. So I do think you and DH have to own your part in this situation (as it appears you have in this thread). Yes, they will always be your grandkids, but to put BM on a equal footing with him in terms of "family" was hurtful to him.
I misread that the family was
I misread that the family was there for his call too... my stance still stands. He is family, she is not family any longer. Of course he declined... why would he be on the call his ex is on?
Perhaps best for the future is the ex is kept in her place..it might alleviate some tension.
What he did wasn't fair to you, and the details of him turning it down wasn't previously included... but in any case, circumstances don't make his feelings unwarranted... just his actions towards you.
I don't intend to come across as dismissive to everything he's done to you in the past, my post truly was a one time response to a one time situation... I don't think he declined the invite because he's a narcissist.. I think he declined it because he didn't want to be in a family zoom call that his own family invited someone that is no longer family. I'd have declined too, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Honestly I find it insensitive, uncalled for, and just plain rude. (No offense to you meant, at all). If it was her year...then his year shouldn't have been shadowed by her virtual presence out of respect from his family.
OP, it sounds like your DH
OP, it sounds like your DH and his kids have a long history of abusing you. Yes, I'm including your DH in this because his "solutions" are for you to literally shut up and accept it.
I'm not sure why you stay and try.
Yes, yes. You including the
Yes, yes. You including the ex wife was uncalled for, but his reaction was over the top. I'm curious, if covid was not a factor, would you have invited the ex wife over for dinner before your stepson???
No. Because this wasn't a big
No. Because this wasn't a big family get together with a big dinner inside of the house. Even if she would have been invited with the grandkids, she wouldn't have came and neither would have the grandkids this year. This is the first Christmas since they actually separated beyond him saying he wanted a divorce. And, they aren't divorced yet. I shouldn't have even tried this, this year. Hindsight.
Thanks for the information.
Thanks for the information.
I wouldn't have been able to visit with the grandkids, period without including my daughter in-law. It wasn't SS-38's Christmas with them and there was a Zoom set up specifically for him. He's a narcissist and I didn't tell him that there was a separate call just for him (probably should have told him that there was a Zoom specifically to visit with him and had that call first, because he is a narcissist). In fact, he should have only known there was a Zoom for him and nothing more. Had he not been an abusive ass to his wife, we could have all been on the phone together.
I'm not sure how cut and dry it is with other families when it comes to the holidays with the grandkids being with one parent or the other. I do know that with my other grandkids, is that when they are with the other parent for a holiday, we don't get to see them at all, because they are with the other parent. So, I don't think that the extra visitation for SS38 was going to happen until he got his kids again, according to the parenting plan, just because we set up a Zoom call, unless we kept his call separate.
Here's the real reason that he revealed to his father Christmas morning - SS38 didn't want to get picked on by everyone in a Zoom, so that's why he didn't want to participate. I'm not sure how he thought he was going to get picked on, because he's always the one dishing it out on everyone else. I think he planned his little fit and planned it well. Then showed up and tested the grounds to see how much he could get away with. By the way, we didn't know he was coming to visit on the weekend until he decided to do so at the last minute, and had not planned on having any visitors due to COVID. Had it been raining, he wouldn't have been let in the house. And where we live, when it rains it rains a lot, and this time of year it's normal for it to rain sideways, frequently and a lot.
This is the first year in 20+ years that I didn't have a huge dinner at my house for Christmas with all of the family over. I was trying to get us together without actually having to be together in person. Apparently, I screwed it up. I've got a lot to process now. SS38 has constantly been an ass to me and an ass to my younger kids. He's an ass to his sisters and an ass to his father. He's an ass to his own BM, although she's a huge narcissist, too.
The thing I think, that weighs most on my mind is the my husband didn't stick up for me. Again. And, this Zoom was held with his approval and help. I think I am just going to give up. I'm damned either way.
It sounds like it's time for
It sounds like it's time for you H to be the party planner from here on out.
I'm sure you love those grands, but they are still your steps. It's not something I like to think about, but if anything happens to my DH - and regardless of how awful BioHo is - I am not a blood relation to the gransdskids and there is always a possibility that I will not be part of their future, so I reserve how much I invest in those relationships. {{hugs}}
BTW, I am not about to refer to him as your 'D'H unless that 'D' stands for something unflattering.
I have thought about letting
I have thought about letting him plan events. It's not like he isn't included, it's just that I get stuck doing all of the work, then take the blame when something goes wrong. It's usually that dinner isn't ready when everyone arrives or something like that.
I'm about ready to throw my hands in the air and call it quits. I've got one kid who won't even come out of his room most of the time when SS38 is at our house because SS38 picks on him so much.
RB, put it all on your H's
RB, put it all on your H's shoulders. Do NOTHING. H plans, H does all of the work. If H wants dinner, H can either cook it or order carryout. He can bloody well set the damn table, too. At this point, I'd absent myself from the next "event" and let him do 110%.
I was appalled to read about that POS throwing you in a pool. What on earth would H have done if you'd been seriously hurt? If you had, I hope you would have sued that POS. Sickening.
Your H is to blame for not telling his Sh!tSon that bullying is not tolerated in your home and that Sh!tSon needs to be an adult or Get Out. If it was me, I would not be home the next time Sh!tSon comes over.
Honestly, this is the
Honestly, this is the slippery slope that people slide down when their kids get divorced - you are so concerned about seeing the grandkids that SS got thrown under the bus, narcissist or not.
The reality is - you won't see them at Christmas if they are with BM, and that's not the end of the world. Celebrate Christmas before or after the day, or mail them their gifts. But cozying up to BM so you can keep access to the kids is a recipe for family strife.
And this is on BM, too -she should have declined your invite or put the kids on without her there, it's not her family anymore.
According to SS38 I'm the
According to SS38 I'm the reason this family is dysfunctional. I know their past history, I know their other family members - including my husband's ex's family (my SS38's BM's Family). That's a dysfunctional mess that was that way long before I came into the picture, so blaming me for their dysfunction was really a top of the line scapegoating manuever on SS38's part. I feel that I just need to back away from the whole mess. I'm invested. 23+ years invested. My husband and Ihave kids of our own and I'm trying to figure out how to handle this without causing more damage. It was a Zoom phone call people. That's all. That's what the freak out is about. I attend them several times a week for work. I didn't think it was too big of a deal, but now I've got a freakin' mess on my hands over it.
Then tell your 'H' you're
Then tell your 'H' you're sorry about the mess. With THE purpose of apologizing to drop all future planning into your H's lap. You take care of your home and you bios (including shielding them from their jerkwad half-brother) and let H handle everything that involves the skids. {{hugs}}
Done. Even before I read
Done. Even before I read this tonight, but yes and thank you. I got ticked off, sent a message to the SD's and said I was done planning everything and anything and if their dad wanted to do something he could do so, just not at our house. Then him and I talked about it when he got home. He still needs to have a solid talk with SS38.
RB, I don't know how old your
RB, I don't know how old your bios are, but with SS being a bully, their contact with him should be zero or strictly supervised. By you, since your H cannot seem to stand up to his son.
Yes he was rude but you did
Yes he was rude but you did an extremely hurtful thing to him when you sided with BM of the grandskids.
I don't see having two
I don't see having two identical Zooms being a "taking sides" thing. More importantly, it's not SS38's place to decide who and who I do not visit with. Period. Giving him that kind of control over my life would mean that my only purpose in life would be to cater to him. I'm not going to do that.