Not music to my ears
After the pandemic, 6/8 of my boyfriend's children (ranging in age from 12-18) came to live with us full time. I have no children of my own besides my cats. His kids are good people, but they are very LOUD and sing all night long. They also stomp around like elephants and throw footballs, etc. It's kind of like being in the real life Sound of Music, except not anywhere near as fun!! Plus they have completely destroyed our house. My only safe space is our bedroom, but they come in while I'm at work and have taken some of my things. My boyfriend works two jobs, so he is rarely home at night. They have all given me a hard time for "hiding" or not being at home much. I can't take the noise though and it is stressing out my cats. Should I stay in a relationship like this? Thank you in advance. Glad I found this site!
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If you truly don't mind the
If you truly don't mind the kids and DH is willing to support you making some changes and setting some boundaries you may be able to deal with your situation.
It really depends on how you feel about your SO is the relationship worth making some sacrifices. Would he do the same for you?
Torn
Thank you for replying! I mind them 50/50. Definitely care for them and love their dad. It's the biggest challenge of my life, without a doubt.
Wait. What? Just making sure
Wait. What? Just making sure I am getting this right.... SIX of his EIGHT kids have come to live with you? And he is hardly ever home? How does he take care of them if he isn't there very much? Why did they come to live there if he isn't home much? Hope it is a LARGE house....
I would have promptly moved the eff out. Yea..and at the ages they are they should know better than football in the house and being wild loud hellions - from the brief description you gave, they don't sound like "good people" to me. They sound feral. Sounds like a zoo and that would be a big NOPE from me.
My reply —yes, 6 kids with us!! :(
They came to live there because, without going into detail, their BM is supposedly unfit. House is way too small for this many people. I would like to get out but feel torn out of love for my boyfriend. Thank you for replying! I appreciate your thoughts.
You say you are an introvert,
You say you are an introvert, yet in a situation like this you actually need to ask whether you should stay? Seriously? They have destroyed your home, ruined your peace and quiet, they steal from you, stress your cats and won't leave you alone. Why would you even consider putting up with this?
Personally, I find this all very hard to believe.
Believe it! Sad but true.
I know...it's pathetic. I stay because I love my boyfriend. But it's a struggle everyday. One I didn't sign up for. We've been together three years, he was deployed for one, and I fought very hard to keep things together. The kids visited up until recently, when they had to move in permanently (BM out of the picture for now ...long story). Had I known things would be like this, I never would have gotten serious, but now I'm in too deep. Thank you for replying! I appreciate your thoughts. Very straight forward!
Love is not enough, not
Love is not enough, not nearly enough, and you aren't in too deep. Tell him he needs to find his own place to live. Why do you have to watch them, they are all old enough to be home alone?
THIS
THIS
There is absolutely no reason for you to live in this misery when you can live separately and still date, you can have your peace and quiet, your cats can get their lives back and your bf can take his responsibilities and raise his children. Bet you'd probably get more time for you with him if you did - no kids barging in all the time, yelling, asking things. Please consider this option.
It is a good option.
Thank you for suggesting this. I just have to get my savings together and stop spending on the kids .
They are needy :(
You are right though, they are mostly all teenagers. My boyfriend says I need to "be a mother" now. Ugh.
In response to your question:
In response to your question: no. It's going to take a toll on your mental and physical health and totally not worth it
My ears have started constantly ringing.
My ears ring constantly now, probably from stress and hearing teenagers scream and jump around all night. So I guess maybe the physical and mental effects you warned me about are surfacing. Thank you for the response !
...and no rules or
...and no rules or expectations were discussed and agreed upon by you and your BF. Thus kids have no rules or expectations.
Have you sat down and had a serious, private chat with your BF? You must do this. His reaction and follow through will tell you what you need to know.
Also, get a locking doorknob for your bedroom today. You can install it yourself, you just need a screwdriver. His reaction to this will tell you a lot too. Don't stand for your things being stolen, ever.
Sorry but I don't see this working.
It was likely not a good fit from the start to date someone with 8 kids when you have none. I can understand your BF needing to work 2 jobs to feed all those mouths.
At this point you need to talk with your BF. I would not live there, no way, and I would likely end it now before things get really ugly and bitter. Sorry for the blunt opinion and good luck with whatever you decide.
So you meet Prince Charming
So you meet Prince Charming and the two of you, and your cats, have a wonderful life together. He has 8 children but Hey, they live with mom so no problem right? All y'all ladies need to remember that a man with minor children could become a full-time daddy again at any time. Of course he works two jobs, he's got 8 kids to support!
BM probably fabricated the whole "I'm unfit" thing just so she could catch a break. She's probably curled up watching Christmas movies with a bottle of wine right now and planning her next nap. Not sure how much more "fit" dad's situation is with him not really there, you hiding out, and a home that's too small.
Merry Christmas to you and Mr. Fertile Prince Charming!
Oooooh, now THAT'S what I
Oooooh, now THAT'S what I call cynical... but quite possibly accurate.
A man with 8 kids would not
A man with 8 kids would not have gotten a second date with me. That would have told me all I needed to know about his judgment.
Right. He has a freakin TEAM
Right. He has a freakin TEAM of kids. I'm not trying to be a coach.
No need for so many dang kids
No need for so many dang kids. If you don't believe in birth control, that's not going to become my problem.
And who splits up after 8
And who splits up after 8 kids?
He's got a basketball team
He's got a basketball team and three subs!
I'm sorry, but girl, wth are you thinking??
You're not even MARRIED to this guy, yet he's dumped his LITTER of kids on you?!?
What is your profession? Please, please don't say you've quit working so you can be miserable being someone else's free nanny. You should have your own life, career, and interests outside of this train wreck.
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their horrible decisions. Those kids are not your responsibility in any way. You are responsible for YOU, only YOU. This guy has ruined his life by breeding himself into the poorhouse; intelligent people with good judgement don't do things like that. Ninety-nine percent of women would not even consider dating such a person. Why do you think that is?
Over and over on this site, we see women just like you. Why? Because kind, sweet, and unassertive is exactly what a certain segment of men with kids seek out so they have someone they can dump their responsibilities on. Someone pliable who won't speak up or draw boundaries, who doesn't expect much or know her own worth.
You can't tell me that when you were a little girl, this mess was what you dreamed of. Pack your bags, get you and your fur babies out of there, and reset your standards so you do better next time. And don't worry about this guy; he'll be trolling for a new "nanny" before the dust of your departure has settled.
BM had that many kids
Not your problem about her house size. She had them she should take care of them. 50/50 like all at BM or all at your house. No kids splitting time so you have no adult time. DH has adult time with BM to make that many kids. You should get adukt time also.
Tomr to put your foot down, send the kids back. How many weeks were they with you. ? BM gets them the same number of weeks
This can't be real. No one in
This can't be real. No one in their right mind would date a guy w that many kids.
Look at Jon Gosling, he had 8
Look at Jon Gosling, he had 8 kids and went on a Dating Reality show after his divorce. I lived in a very religious area and there were just as many divorces inside the church community as out of it. People with lots of young kids getting divorced and jumping right back into relationships again. Some people don't learn.
Ouch
Welp...I guess I wasn't in my right mind. I don't even have any excuses. Maybe because I'm too old and am tired of waiting for the right man. I'm sure a lot of women on here are super young and in their 20s and 30s. I feel like I have limited options, now that I'm in my 40s. I do wish I would have not gone this route!! Very naive of me.
Age is not an excuse. I was
Age is not an excuse. I was 45 when I reconnected with DH (46). A female friend of mind got married for the first time at age 50. A unicorn virgin, to boot. A male friend had his first steady girlfriend at age 53. First. They're getting married next Summer. My widowed father found love and remarried at age 86.
You are never too old to find love.
Sorry I didn't mean to be
Sorry I didn't mean to be harsh. But EIGHT kids? I understand what it's like to be older and unmarried. I met my DH at 39, got married at 40 and had two kids in my 40s. I know the pool of eligible men shrinks as one gets older but there are divorced guys out there with 0-3 kids. There are unmarried guys in their 30s with no kids who would love to date someone older than them. Please, you can get out of this situation that promises nothing but misery and financial struggles for the rest of your life.
Thank you all!!
Thanks everyone for your insight. Not sure what was wrong with me... I do have a full time job and have not given up my life for them. But I've given up peace at home. One thing I'm noticing is, none of you are saying, "stick it out"!! It's just digging out of this hole I created. To those of you who say, "it can't be real", I am not making anything up. I made poor decisions, of course. And to face all those who said "we told you so" would be especially hard. I don't mean to feel sorry for myself here, just kinda thinking out loud. And I am truly grateful for all the suggestions and words of wisdom. Change is scary. I gotta deal with this.
Then it's time you made a
Then it's time you made a good decision, right?
To all those who say 'I told you so" fire back with "and just HOW is that supposed to help?" Or "woooow, and you don't even have a crystal ball ..." Or "is that the best you've got?" Remind yourself that you don't care what they think, smug buggers, you are doing the right thing now and getting your life back.
No
No
We've all made mistakes -
We've all made mistakes - that's why we're here on StepTalk. And that's okay, as long as we recognize the lesson that's been put in front of us and learn it.
What you need is an exit strategy. Every sensible woman has one, even if she's been happily married for many years, and putting one together can be very empowering. As the song says, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
You should be putting away money for your own use, have valuables and copies of important documents stored outside the home for safety, and a plan for where to move.
Some members have just said I'm done and walked out the door, while others have bided their time in order to prepare for a smooth transition. Some have focused on paying down personal debt, or securing a new job in a different city before leaving. Some in more volatile, abusive situations have sold off goods under the guise of redecorating or embracing minimalism to fund their exit. One woman rented a storage locker and was able to gradually move most of her things there by putting them the trunk of her car before her SO got home from work.
Whatever works for you, deciding to make a plan is the first step. This guy has screwed himself by having more kids than anyone should, but you don't have to suffer for someone else's stupidity.
Great idea !!
Thank you for the suggestion!! I do need to somehow figure out an exit strategy. No idea how to get started, bedsides saving up and spending less on the kids.
Good Lord! Why are YOU
Good Lord! Why are YOU spending on HIS kids. No. Stop that right now.
No food? DAD needs to get some. If he has no money, HE needs to go to the food bank.
HE moved SIX people into your home, but that does NOT mean YOU have any responsibility to them!
I guess I just feel bad...
My honest response is that I feel bad for the kids. They got a sh*tty deal by no choice of their own. But I have to keep reminding myself they are not my responsibility.
You also got a shitty deal by
You also got a shitty deal by no choice of your own!
You’re Right !
Thank you for not making me feel like the bad guy here. My boyfriend always has a way of turning things around on me when I complain! You reminded me of the reality of the situation!