Thinking of cancelling a wedding
I've been a long time reader but this is my first post. I'm thankful to see I'm not alone and it actually helps me from completely blowing up in my current situation. My fiance and I have been living together for a couple years , I have one daughter 12 and he has one son 16. My soon to be SS came to live with us full time this year due to not getting along with his mother, he has 2 other siblings that live with her as well from different relationships. I do have a couple of grown sons so this is not my first time dealing with a teenage boy by any means. The issues we are running into I believe are due to Dad having him part time , it caused a ton of guilt -discipline wasn't enforced, manners, accountability on school work etc. This resulted in SS coming here eating whatever and how much ever he wanted, staying on his video game system continuously, not being asked to pickup, basically being allowed to use foul langauge etc. Now that he is here full time it is a constant every month conversation on not being a glutton, not to lie, not to utilize bad language, derogatory commnets about gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation etc.When playing his games on his game system he uses the most foul verbage that can even be heard even with a closed door. He will eat EVERYTHING and doesn't care if there are 4 people at the table, he lacks basic empathy and at this point in his life I don't even know if it can be taught. He has dented my car trying to be funny and has ZERO respect for other peoples property. He will be obnoxius to get me riled so I will leave whatever room we are hanging out in , I assume so he can get some time with his dad so I let him have it. But then soon after he will leave the room too, so it seems to be just to keep me and his dad from spending any time with each other. My feelings are both of his parents haven't put a boot in his butt a long time ago. He wants to be the center of attention constantly and it is so exhausting. His dad is a good man and treats me and my daughter wonderfully,he is loving, kind , giving, a hard worker. But I really don't know if I can deal with his son for who knows how many more years till he moves out on his own. I have a feeling he would live with us well into his 20's, I'm raising my daughter in this house and his behavior and gluttony gets to be too much at times so her and I go spend time together outside the house. We are looking at buying another house together once we get married but at this point I think I'd rather have my own space with my daughter where this kid is not welcome.- we currently live in my fiance's house. I'm disengaing more and more from him everyday as I'm about to explode if I don't- any feedback /advice I appreciate.
Where is your partner in all this?
Does Dad see the issues? What does he say?
He's talked to him numerous
He's talked to him numerous times, but I feel its more of a "buddy" situation than a paremt relationship at times. He will get on him about stuff, the kid will calm down the behavior a couple days then will be right back to the same behaviors and thinking he can do whatever he wants. This is not the first relationship he has caused issues in, there have been a few that couldn't deal with it.
Sounds like it's too late for
Sounds like it's too late for the kid to change. Your instincts are right- it's time to cancel the wedding and let yourself and your daughter live in peace. I sure as hell wouldn't want my preteen daughter around that influence.
This... maaaaaaybe
This... maaaaaaybe reconsider when his feral kid launches.... but he could always boomarang back.
While you shouldn't base relationships around your children...their home life shouldn't be negatively affected to this extent either.
Agree
I have to agree. I'm trying to raise a daughter to be a good person, his constant inappropriate behavior to be the center of attention honestly takes away from her and its not fair. The boomerang back would not be good, if he ever moved out or back to his moms I don't want to ever have to live with him again. Thank you !
I think its too late too, I
I think its too late too, I've tried being the responsbile "sit down and talk" about the issues parent- Now I'm at the point where he just needs someone to tell him about himself without sugarcoating it. I know it will not be pretty and I'm ok with that at this point. Im not a passive person by any means but I don't try and force my parenting on other peoples children. My child however is my first priority and living in peace with just the two of us sounds like a good change. THank you
I would move out with my
I would move out with my daughter and postpone the wedding. There is no way I'd want to live in the atmosphere that kid is creating, let alone have my daughter growing up there. You don't necessarily have to end the relationship, but to marry him now, continue to live with him and tie up your resources buying a house with him so his son can make you miserable and be a negative influence on your daughter sounds like a mistake to me.
I know this is not the first
I know this is not the first relationship that this kid has broken up for my fiance'. I've had members of his family warn me that his behavior has caused numerous women he has been involved with to just throw in the towel as his behavior is just too much. I'm independent financially so that part doesn't worry me at all- but I'm definitely going to be telling this kid about himself on my way out. My hope is that our relationship survives but this kid will not be welcome in my home at all. My fiance' tends to feel sorry for SS saying that he feels like everyone is against him. My response was he brings it on himself by his own behavior, and the fact that he has let him get away with it for so long without holding him accountable is HIS and HIS MOTHERS fault. I think about us getting married and this kid doing something obnoxious or inapporpriate at the cermony and my anxiety goes crazy, I just don't think I can go thru with it. I love this man with everything I have but this is just a deal breaker and it sucks tremendously.
Think about that - he's lost
Think about that - he's lost NUMEROUS girlfriends because of his son and he still won't change how he parents. My guess is that he's an extremely passive person who is incapable of taking a hard line with his kid. If this kid does miraculously launch, he will undoubtedly be demanding money and support from his father for the rest of his life. Read stories on here from older stepmoms who are dealing with skids like this who are in their 50s and still dependent on Daddy and causing chaos. If you don't want that, get out now.
This is troubling. Coddling
This is troubling. Coddling his kid is more important than his relationships. That seems to send a clear message. Your predecessors appear to have made good decisions.
I think you are 100% making
I think you are 100% making the right decision
If you can not live like this
You can not live like this. Your SO isn't parenting his kid that not going to change. Age means nothing. This SS can be living with his dad forever. His GF can also move in.
DH's son is so broken. If he
DH's son is so broken. If he can be fixed, it's up to his parents to do so. I couldn't live with a foul-mouthed, racist, misogynistic slob and I certainly would not subject my child to that. You are teaching her that putting up with this is somehow tolerable. It isn't.
Get her out of this environment. If you want to continue to date your fiance, ok, but even then I'd want some assurance that the SS's issues are being addressed. And given history, I'm not sure your fiance is up to the task.
Follow your gut...
Follow your gut...