I've gotten beat down(mentally and emotionally) in one way or another by them all. BM and SD were a team against me, no matter what though, I've always been there trying to go the extra mile in taking care of SD when BM didn't care about what SD did and DH doesn't want to deal with BM or SD. Then DH telling me I'm making things worse for him and taking out his frustrations on to me that he wouldn't take out on BM. SD not respecting anything or anyone, smiling in my face pretending we're ok only to go back to BM and basically anyone that will listen that I'm such this terrible person because I won't let her drink, smoke, I enforce rules.
Sounds like it is way past the point where you need to disengage for your own sanity. Of course, you can set rules of behavior and boundaries within your home. But, to an extent, the fact that your DH doesn't want to parent, resents the fallout when you try to push for rules for his daughter.. you just can't care more than the bio parents do.
but, you can make it clear.
"DH.. you can let your child run wild, but I will be locking the door to our home at 10PM.... if you choose to wait up for her to come home drunk? that's on you. Oh.. and be prepared for her to not live here past 18. I may have no say in how you and your Ex want to raise her, but I don't need to have the failed adult result sleeping it off on my couch every night while she raids my fridge. You can go to him when she leaves a mess.. destroys an object.. etc you will expect him to fix the issue.. either by making her do it..or he can do it himself.. either way"
I mean, I get it, your heart is in the right place. You seem to want her to be raised well... to be a better person for it. But, in the end, she has two parents and it is up to them to raise her. Your way may be better.. but while she may appreciate your efforts in the future as an adult.. she is hardly likely to side with you against her mom.. she is hardly going to thank you for a curfew... and even the nice things you do for her.. it's not likely that her actions are meant personally against you.. she is just doing what she wants.. and what is allowed by her parents.
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I'm a little confused.. do
I'm a little confused.. do you mean teen saying "you are not my mom"? or your DH or BM saying "teen is not your business?"
Both, all of it, everything
I've gotten beat down(mentally and emotionally) in one way or another by them all. BM and SD were a team against me, no matter what though, I've always been there trying to go the extra mile in taking care of SD when BM didn't care about what SD did and DH doesn't want to deal with BM or SD. Then DH telling me I'm making things worse for him and taking out his frustrations on to me that he wouldn't take out on BM. SD not respecting anything or anyone, smiling in my face pretending we're ok only to go back to BM and basically anyone that will listen that I'm such this terrible person because I won't let her drink, smoke, I enforce rules.
Sounds like it is way past
Sounds like it is way past the point where you need to disengage for your own sanity. Of course, you can set rules of behavior and boundaries within your home. But, to an extent, the fact that your DH doesn't want to parent, resents the fallout when you try to push for rules for his daughter.. you just can't care more than the bio parents do.
but, you can make it clear.
"DH.. you can let your child run wild, but I will be locking the door to our home at 10PM.... if you choose to wait up for her to come home drunk? that's on you. Oh.. and be prepared for her to not live here past 18. I may have no say in how you and your Ex want to raise her, but I don't need to have the failed adult result sleeping it off on my couch every night while she raids my fridge. You can go to him when she leaves a mess.. destroys an object.. etc you will expect him to fix the issue.. either by making her do it..or he can do it himself.. either way"
I mean, I get it, your heart is in the right place. You seem to want her to be raised well... to be a better person for it. But, in the end, she has two parents and it is up to them to raise her. Your way may be better.. but while she may appreciate your efforts in the future as an adult.. she is hardly likely to side with you against her mom.. she is hardly going to thank you for a curfew... and even the nice things you do for her.. it's not likely that her actions are meant personally against you.. she is just doing what she wants.. and what is allowed by her parents.