Bank account matters
Hi everyone. Thank goodness for this site because I thought no one else was in the same boat am in. I have a lot going on but first I really need advise on some recent happenings. A short back story is, I have been married for four years. DH has two children from a previous marriage they are autistic teens (story for another post). Anyway I got married and moved to Australia two years ago to start life from scratch. Dh has supported me/us since we married. I couldn't find a job so I studied finished my certificate (before covid hit) and the start of 2020 I was looking forward to getting some work so I opened a bank account in my name. Dh did add me to his bank account it was a visa requirement. The thing is I have never really felt comfortable that his money was our money. Whenever I used bank cards he would monitor closely my spending and where I spent it (not that am a spender). Anyone would monitor off course but I felt his was obvious so I found myself explaining expenses as if I broke the bank and it was just 50$. He would still does question every purchase subtly so all I look at are things on special and if supposing I am about to spend 70-100$ I would first call let him know so he is OK with it, so that if he is monitoring he doesn't get on my case in short I have never felt free to spend "our money". Also during money arguments it becomes his money. Anyway covid hit no job prospects so I proceeded to do my diploma(zoom classes) I finished then got my diploma fast forward I recently got a casual job and the first pay hit my account last week. Obviously I felt elated happy like I achieved something. My plan was contribute to Dh and I shared account to cover some bills and keep some money in my account start some savings have a little something for me coz its important to me. I also have this gut feeling I need my own account as he is some type of way with finances since we moved in together. This has caused such drama I think I am seeing a side of Dh that's unbelievable. I have tried explaining why having my own account is important to me. I have told him I don't mean to keep all my earnings just for me I will deposit into our shared one. Am pregnant too, due March next year, eventually I will stop this casual position to have baby and raise it before I look to work again. He isn't listening. I have been called selfish, greedy, money worshipper. The arguments have been draining. We then have a talk about how bills are to be split (have just been working two weeks he wants 50-50split) the talk was odd to me because I felt talked into pressured to open an account with the bank he is affiliated with, the odd part was when I was in a corner I said fine then he hugged and kissed me telling me how he wants to be with me forever the eff!!!! After this talk and thinking about all this I text him am not comfortable abandoning my account and explain my reasons as before and say I mean to contribute and pay the bills. Fast forward unbelievable arguments accusations misunderstandings being taken out of context this job is beginning to be a nightmare. What do I do, I offered to add him into my account even but he refuses to have anything to do with that. Am I wrong to stick to my gunz about having my own account? Does he come off as controlling? Am. I wrong? Just seeking advise people please no criticizing and judging I get enough of that from Dh. Thanks for listening to this vent.
Just so it's noted since the
Just so it's noted since the start of all this I haven't used not a penny of his/our alleged money as I feel things are so unsettled it's crazy to me.
It seems like your issues
It seems like your issues with your DH are around money and control - you don't speak about any SKID issues apart from mentioning them in passing. As such, I think you might want to have relationship counselling to see if you can resolve your financial disagreements. Frankly though, if the relationship has descended to the degree of name calling you describe, not sure if I would want to preserve it. Personally, I feel everyone should have their own bank account. I have never combined finances with either of my husbands.
How often do you have his
How often do you have his teens staying with you?
Whatever you do, do NOT give up your account. He's trying to make you completely dependent on him and won't stop at this. If you have no bank account, how will you ever get yourself out of there if you feel you need to?
I suggest you google "financial abuse" and see how much of it rings true for you.
Marital counseling
This advice from Kes seems very smart. This is less a step situation than a marital issue. Because your conversations with him on this seem to be devolving, maybe getting a professional 3rd party involved would help. I'm of the camp of his, mine and ours bank accounts (for shared expenses). His behavior as you describe it is troubling. Here's hoping a counselor can help you figure it out.
This smacks of financial
This smacks of financial abuse to me - if he has control of your money, he can keep you under control as well. Backing you in the corner with endless arguments and then love bombing you when you agree is a HUGE red flag. My DH says BM used to argue with him for hours until he'd rather die than hear her say one more word - this is abusive. She wore him down until he gave in, like your DH did.
I'd suggest counseling too, but be clear that he's showing some real tendencies towards emotional abuse. I'm not sure how you met him or if you are able to return to your home country, but I'd for sure keep an exit plan in place, including a secret account he knows nothing about. Put a little bit in it, here and there, so you have some for yourself. You can be sure that if he gets your money in a joint account, he's going to monitor and control every penny. (Just the fact that I'm advising this makes me think you honestly should just get the hell out).
And please, please, PLEASE keep an eye on your birth control. You getting pregnant is another way to trap you. Get an IUD or something else he can't mess with.
financial abuse
My sister is leaving a financially abusive marriage. She didn't have her own account until 2 years ago. And he still took her money. Bonus? His. Tax return? His. A personal loan from her account? His. She had to ask permission to go to get groceries. She had to only buy what she told him she would. She's in the process of hunting down secret money stashes and accounts.
Do not ever combine your money with his. In fact, get out. There's more than just financial abuse isn't there?
She's already pregnant! Due
She's already pregnant! Due in March.
Crap, I missed that. Ugh.
Crap, I missed that. Ugh. Welp, she'd better start planning now.
Devil's Advocate - Since she
Devil's Advocate - Since she's already pregnant and planning to stay home with the baby, maybe she is better off just combining finances and taking a "tough sh!t" approach to any spending. It sounds like the tiny bit of money she will have in her account isn't worth the drama. I mean, she will be dependent on him financially anyway unless she has a source of private funds like a trust fund or inheritance. I don't know the laws in Australia but here, if you are married, it's community property.
Not all states are community
Not all states are community property states - only 9 or so, I believe. This abusive marriage is only going to get worse for her.
Australia only has 6 states.
Australia only has 6 states. I suggest keeping your own account. In Australia we have payments made by the government for maternity leave and then there will be government payments on the birth of the child. These usually go into the woman's account.
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of your input. There is a clear financial problem here and I will stick to my own account no matter how long he bikkers about it. I will try add on to every comment bare with me if I skip something @kes there are skids involved I thought that would turn my post into a novel. Two teen skids with autism. One is high functioning the other more severe that I will make another post of altogether. I do. Pletely agree everyone has a right to own their account. @winterglow we have the boy full-time apparently he doesn't like it at his mother's and we have the girl thur-sunday morning every week. Will be educating myself on financial abuse. @aunt Agatha there is a step issue that I will highlight in another post. Will get in that third party to drill some sense into his head if there is sense at all. @tog redux thanks for your suggestions. Am already pregnant. Am. Not able to go to my home country as of now but will keep in mind squirreling away something as you truly never know. @cover 1week my goodness so sorry for your sister as that level of financial abuse. I have always wanted mine because since the beginning it's been his on a lot of things. I believe there is emotional abuse too definitely verbal as well. @rumplestiltskin no trust fund here no inheritance here literally nothing am starting over since I moved. No family here they are all back in Africa (at least they are there).
So he has one kid full time
So he has one kid full time and the other more than half the time. on what planet does he think that you should be paying 50%? You should be paying for considerably less than 1/3. His kids are his responsibility not yours.