Noticed I only come on to rant and spy
I usually only come on here to rant about my skids in a place where I won't get judged for it to get it all out because it makes me feel less alone. I don't usually offer advice because quite honestly I haven't got any..apart from don't eat yellow snow. I do read a lot of posts and sympathise so if I have read it and not commented it's because I haven't a clue what to say just know my heart is with you.
So decided to blog instead of write in the forum as I'm just ranting and it's 3am here.
Open letter to steps,
Dearest ladies and gents,
I have realised it is quite impossible to "love your step kids as your own" (this does not include steps where you have taken over all aspects of care eg bio parent has died) chances are if you are here you are not a big fan of the ex or of their offspring. The reason for your lack of love for the skids is more than likely due to values.
The reason the relationship failed in the first family is also probably due to values.
I cannot connect with these children because they go against everything I think is important like manners, dressing appropriately, hygiene etc if they were adults we definitely wouldn't be friends. The values in their first family differ from mine so greatly that it's impossible to form any type of friendship. If I met a lady and she was unhygienic, didn't use her manners, was dressed wildly inappropriately I wouldn't speak to her as I'm sure you wouldn't if an adult was behaving in the ways that annoy you. But we are expected to care for these people and be friends with them, share our weekends with them, share our homes with them, cook for them and let them sit at our dinner tables. Use our bathrooms, our sofas, our TVs, our food. So we resent them. Good or bad they take some joy from our lives.
These are not the standards we hold our own children to our own children learn early on what is important to us and hopefully learn those behaviours. These skids usually have another home which they are getting their personalities from from a person who more than likely is very different to yourself. It's no wonder you can't love them or even like them so cut yourself some slack they're not your kind of people and that's ok
x
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Comments
Good summary!
Yes, you nailed it! I bet in the early days, we all had positive intentions but running up against these different values really smashed things up. It is tough to find common ground that we can live with.
Very true
This is especially true when you only have Skids EOWE and when you are dealing with a HCBM. In those instances, it's typically expected that your home will adapt to Skids and not the other way around, so you're essentially expected to allow BM's values to become your home's values when Skids are there.
I have one Skid who represents almost the opposite of my values. He is lazy, rude, entitled, demanding, unkind, and plays the victim. I avoid being around him because I don't want to lose it on him. That means, I either hide out in my own home or leave my home when he is there. I think most people would not be willing to put up with regular houseguests who totally upend your home, but if steppparents have the nerve to complain they are branded as evil.
True
And I'd add that there were time that I felt my steps were like parasites. They wouldn't kill you but would suck up your blood. eg money, space, resources. Even worse my steps are broadly ok. I can't imagine how I would feel if they were truely awful.
Lack of shared values may be
Lack of shared values may be common, but shared values aren't sufficient for "loving them like your own" IMO.
My stepkids were raised half by DH, a strong though somewhat distracted parent with ~95% the same values as mine, and half by BM, an enmeshed and weak parent with ~30% the same values as mine.
As they've grown, they've turned much more towards DH's and my values. And I love them... like I love my niece. Meaning I'm glad to see them come - and glad to see them go.
Vaues
I would say that to continue this thread of thought, that also Ive realised my DH and I have vastly differing values in some areas.