adopting step sons in Indiana
I was just wondering if anyone else (if in Indiana even better!) has adopted their step children. A little background information just to help with advice: I have been married to DH for 3 years, we have 2 children together and one on the way, SS12 has lived with us since December 2019, SS14 has lived with us since quarantine started, I am a stay at home mom so I handle all of their care.
some facts about BM that we think may help us because we know she will not sign off on her rights.
- she is not a US citizen and has made no attempts to become one.
-she has medically neglected her children I was the one who took them to their FIRST dentist visit and they were 10 and 12 I believe. I also pay for SS12 braces and take him to his appointments for those.
- I got SS14 back on his ADHD medication after she stopped refilling the prescription.
-SS14 had all D's and F's when living with her, he now has straight A's.
-SS12 had constant asthma attacks in her home because she let her dogs poop and pee all over the house and the smell made him very sick several times, her home also has black mold.
-she left boys home alone very often to go to the club and all that was ever in the fridge was eggs, she would then bring home McDonald's, but only for herself.
that is just the tip of the iceberg of what we have against BM. All of this information was confirmed as well by her other daughters that are not my DH's children and they are 17 & 18. SS14 talks to BM on Facebook when she messages him because he feels obligated but he never wants to be in her house again, SS12 refuses to speak to her and is scared she is going to kidnap him when we go places that she goes.
we would really like to do this without a lawyer, how do we start the process? I've scoured the internet trying to find the initial petition for a step child adoption in Indiana but I can't find anything.. please add your experiences! & any advice would be really appreciated, my boys so badly want me to be their mom forever and finally cut ties from their toxic mother.
I would not waste the time or
I would not waste the time or the money. They won't sever BM's rights based on what you stated.
- she is not a US citizen and has made no attempts to become one.
-she has medically neglected her children I was the one who took them to their FIRST dentist visit and they were 10 and 12 I believe. I also pay for SS12 braces and take him to his appointments for those.
- I got SS14 back on his ADHD medication after she stopped refilling the prescription.
-SS14 had all D's and F's when living with her, he now has straight A's.
-SS12 had constant asthma attacks in her home because she let her dogs poop and pee all over the house and the smell made him very sick several times, her home also has black mold.
-she left boys home alone very often to go to the club and all that was ever in the fridge was eggs, she would then bring home McDonald's, but only for herself.
Well if ice were to take her
Well if ice were to take her they could potentially detain the children as well and put them through trauma, she also can't have a license or a job if she isn't a citizen so how is she a fit parent? They have had 50/50 custody since they got divorced but BM kept disappearing with children and not providing address, DH kept trying to take her to court but nobody could locate her. DH did not have a chance with his children until 3 years ago. He was already medicated for ADHD and she just stopped refilling the prescriptions even though SS begged for help. We did call CPS about the house, BM daughter(17) told us they didn't even look around the house and said everything was fine.
she also has not had any visitation with them for nearly a year now- isn't that abandonment? Indiana laws on this seem a little easier than most other states.
She also told SKids that they
She also told SKids that they weren't allowed to discuss anything that happened over there because BM told them she will beat them if they spoke up because it wasn't our business, so we were unaware of cirmcumstances until very recently.
Unfortunately, it will be
Unfortunately, it will be nearly impossible to terminate her rights as a mother unless she is interested in doing that.. and you indicate she isn't. So you will be throwing money down a black hole to try to do that.
However, what you might be able to work towards is your husband having "sole" custody of his children... and perhaps only allow their mother supervised visitation. If your husband has valid and documentable concerns that she might attempt to kidnap the kids.. that would work in his favor there.. and any abuse/neglect that could be documented. But, be aware that her kids are unlikely to want to face her in court with accusations. She may be a poor mother compared to you... but she IS their mother.
Being a bad housekeeper is not grounds to lose your kids. Being in the country illegally.. also not grounds for your kids to be permanently removed from your custody (just as an aside.. I think the issue with kids being separated often stems from the inability to prove that the kids are actually related to their parents.. it's more a human traficking issue that is trying to be stopped).
Honestly, if she were to be detained.. then I am assuming these kids at 12/14 years old are going to be able to let the authorities know that your DH is their father and that he would be contacted to come get them.. they may be at a facility briefly.. but it shouldn't be long term really right???
From the outside, it doesn't look like it will be fruitful to try for adoption... because nothing she has done would warrant her not being their parent. Some of it might be a basis for her to have less or no visitation.. but not her parental rights per se.
And.. there is zero way you would be able to navigate this without a lawyer.. even if there were a snowball's chance you would be successful. A lawyer would, however, be helpful in a custody case.. and that is what your DH should do if he wants to try to protect his kids more.
With what you have it is
With what you have it is extremely unlikely that the Courts will dissolve BM's parenting rights. If CPS had been involved for years you might get the Court's attention though even then it would be unlikely that the Courts would support the adoption.
BM's citizenship is not relevant except for maybe the Courts not allowing her to take the Skids out of the country.
We approached my adoption of my SS when he was about 8yo. His SpermClan got all offended even though they could not afford to pay his CS or to feed the younger three also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. We even offered to adopt the younger three. Nope.
Our son asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen in 4 days flat.
Sadly, #3 just went to prison for 5 years. #4 isn't far behind. And #2 is barely treading water.
Goid luck though. Your Skids are lucky to have you in their lives.
If BM hasn't been around for
If BM hasn't been around for nearly a year, then you don't have any documentation of recent neglect. Fighting to have her rights removed would be VERY expensive, and you would likely lose. Additionally, it would bring BM back into the kids' life, because CPS's mission is keeping families together.
While I get that you care about these kids and BM is a shite parent, why poke the bear if she hasn't been around? Why not just keep doing what you're doing, continue to document, and not waste the money?
Lastly, for your own mental health you should accept that BM IS the mother, and no matter how terrible she is, those kids have a strong biological tie to her. She cannot be erased. This means there's a void in the kids' lives that no one else can fill, and they may want to seek her out in the future.
Your H should focus on being the very best dad he can be, and perhaps get his kids into therapy. That would be money well spent.
Well regarding the fact that
Well regarding the fact that I take care of them appointment wise, school wise, everything wise.. it makes most sense for me to be their other legal guardian. In Indiana step parents have virtually no rights DH has to sign off on everything. Regardless this is something the boys want SS12 asks almost every day.. their mother put them through a lot of trauma like I said there is a lot more than what I stated.. they may want to speak with her as adults but she doesn't have to be their guardian for that. I have been their only true mother figure.
I get it, I really do. I was
I get it, I really do. I was a custodial SM for five years, during which BM never contacted, visited, sent a birthday or Christmas present, or paid a dime of support. These women have NO shame, do they?
Those boys are lucky to have you in their lives, but the ugly truth is, you are not their biological mother. They have two bio parents, PLUS you, and in the US, blood matters regardless of how awful the bio parent is.
You H could consult a Family Law attorney to see if there's some strategy to leverage BM into giving up her rights. Have you discussed doing this with him?
He's very skeptical about
He's very skeptical about battling in court so I'm a little disappointed to say the least, when they divorced BM made skids and her other two daughters tell all sorts of lies to CPS saying that if they loved her they will tell the people what she is telling them to say.. she is insane to say the least. All accusations were proven false of course but she pinned anyone she could, cousins, brothers, DH himself it tore apart his family because nobody wanted their kids to play with the skids anymore in fear that will make BM make more accusations. They battled in court a very long time because BM kept making new accusations. Everytime he had a visit coming she would make up a new one and he couldn't get his kids.. SS12 has vivid memories of being 4 or so and trying to run to DHs car and getting snatched by his mother.
BM also was cheating on her husband at the time with DH (not to his knowledge) got pregnant with SS14 and tried to tell her husband at the time he was his, even let him pick his name. After her husband at the time found out the truth he told DH but BM hid SS14 from DH for 6 months. Which he had to go to court for that as well. DH is definitely a little intimidated by court and lawyers as he has already poured so much money into them because of this lunatic.
I'm with the others - they
I'm with the others - they won't terminate her rights, and you certainly can't do it without an attorney. They will have numerous court dates, and all kinds of effort has to be made to show that she hasn't tried to contact them (which she has, on Facebook, at least, per your post).
Being a non-citizen without a job or a car doesn't make you unfit. And if DH is a citizen, then the children should be citizens by now as well, so will have no part in her being deported, should it happen.
Now - you can ask BM if she's willing to surrender her rights. Maybe if DH goes after her for child support, she will agree to that.
Also - she has a pretty good case against DH for parental alienation, given that he doesn't make them visit with her or talk to her. So beware of that, as well.
Skids are citizens of course
Skids are citizens of course but her life here can crumble at any second while we have legitimate stability. Also they share an additional daughter that doesn't not reside with us anymore who will not talk to DH and has no interest in seeing him because she's afraid to get into trouble because she hasn't attended school since going back with BM (1 month now).. so I'm sure he can counter with that.
I assume their mother is here
I assume their mother is here on a legitimate visa, or has a green card - and also, that makes them citizens of her country as well. She could fight to take them with her if she were to leave.
I say this because you and DH (and BM) need to let go of the battle, it's hurting the kids. He should be encouraging them to see their mother, not letting them avoid her and trying to cut her out of their lives.
He won't be able to counter
He won't be able to counter with the fact that his daughter hasn't gone to school. That isn't how it works.
I mean.. yes.. it sounds like your and your husband's home environment are better for these kids but that's not a basis to terminate someone's parental rights. You don't get removed as a parent because of immigration status. You don't lose custody because you are a poor housekeeper or a lousy cook. And in "covid times"... you also will find that they will go easier on someone for keeping their child out of school..it's more explainable.
If you want it to be easier to do things like Dr appts.. go with your DH to a lawyer to get power of attorney documents drawn up. If he has 50/50 custody.. he may be able to give you rights to act in his behalf.. keep that paperwork on you so you have it in case you need to take the kids to a dr etc...
I would also be hesitante to wade into a mess when there is another child that is absolutely refusing contact with her father.. there is likely a very different story that will be told on THAT side of the bench.
Again, you won't be able to do anything without competent legal representation. If anything, pursuing sole custody for your husband might be possible. but it will be expensive if BM is inclined to fight it.
Less expensive might be to get paperwork drawn up that makes you helping the kids with things easier.. and if BM is not much in their lives maybe that is the best you can hope for right now.
No.. she is here illegally..
No.. she is here illegally.. completely. She works under someone else's SSN. when her and DH were married he was trying to fix her papers.. then she cheated on him lol. The trash takes itself out sometimes. The boys do not want to see their mother and that's ok, SS12 gets panic attacks just at the thought of having to see her again, she has done a lot to these boys. Covid is not an excuse for the school his daughter is missing because we enrolled them in online school and she still doesnt get online to go.
Do you think it's okay that
Do you think it's okay that his daughter is refusing to see him?
We think she is being
We think she is being manipulated by BM and two half sisters and they may be heavily monitoring her phone. She also may be afraid of DH right now because she blamed leaving on me (which everyone even SS's know there is no way that's possible) and she isn't attending school.
So she doesn't speak to DH
So she doesn't speak to DH because she's being manipulated, but the boys don't speak to BM because it's their true feelings? Do you really not see what's happening here? These poor kids.
Does your husband want you to
Does your husband want you to adopt his kids?
Well.. obviously or we wouldn
Well.. obviously or we wouldn't be trying to do it?
What has your lawyer said
What has your lawyer said about your chances of successfully adopting them?
- many people come online with plans that they *think* they and their partners *should* do when their partner is not really fully on board with them and has no real intension of taking concrete steps towards carrying out the plan or even finding if the plan is viable. I just wanted to clarify where the main driving force behind the attempted adoption was coming from.
You are not going to start anything
Until you grt a lawer. You can not do it by yourself. Courts don't wanted to deal with this type of drama. Public defender and groups don't eant to deal with this either. The kids are safe.
Save up yoir money find a good lawer. Start there.
Being a bad parent doesn't
Being a bad parent doesn't mean your rights will be severed. My stepsister was stripped of her rights so her kids could be adopted out only because 1) she was convicted of multiple counts of felony neglect; 2) she didn't complete any of her court-ordered rehab after she was released from jail; 3) she didn't get a job or figure out a way to support herself and the kids; 4) the kids had different fathers and would be split up if no one was able to take all of them, and; 5) her mother stepped up to take all the kids. And yes, this was in Indiana.
I have seen too many real-world examples in this state of neglectful mothers who shouldn't be allowed to keep their kids in spite of their being a father who can take them (my DH being one of them) to think you'd realistically have a chance of not only stripping her of her rights, but being allowed to adopt.
Typically, to adopt a stepchild, unless the other parent has been punished by the courts for endangering that child (and I mean a jail sentence, not just a visit from CPS) and had their rights removed, the parent has to willingly give up their rights OR be out of the picture entirely for several years with no contact. And when I say no contact, I mean no one involved has reached out at all. The parent basically drops out of existence.
Now, the BM in your case isn't going to be jailed specifically for child endangerment. CPS will do what has already happened - give the kids to Dad. Then, they'll work with BM and your DH on some reunification plan, unless BM gives up physical custody. Even if she gives up physical custody, that doesn't mean she gives up her rights. My guess is if she is illegally in the US, she's not going to do ANYTHING that puts her in front of a judge, which means she'll hand the kids over but she's not going to sign off on her rights, either. And if she is deported, she'll have the right to petition for an international custody order, and she could end up taking the kids with her.
Your best bet? Have your DH file for primary physical and legal custody and assign you as a legal guardian who can act as his proxy. That gives you the ability to take the kids to appointments, sign paperwork, etc. You'll need an attorney more than likely to do this unless BM is agreeable.
I'm only looking at this from an IN experience perspective. I haven't even touched on how bad of an idea it is for SPs to adopt their SKs when their SKs don't ask to be adopted and are still in contact with their other parent. There is a reason adoption is hard, and part of it is because it's not emotionally or mentally easy on kids. Even if there is a "replacement parent" in the wings, it STILL means that their bio parent didn't want them. That's ROUGH for any kid, but it's going to be especially rough for teenagers who have lived with their mother in horrible conditions and their father didn't do anything until his new wife came along.
You're heart is in the right place, but what you want and what's feasible are two very, very different things.
And in this case neither of
And in this case neither of them are even encouraging these kids to have a relationship with the mother. They just want her cut out entirely. As if that can be done without significant trauma to a kid. Even a bad mother is still "mom".
I didn't see that they are
I didn't see that they are trying to PAS the kids (didn't read that closely). But, yeah, that's also a bad move that is equally destructive to kids.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is bite my tongue around the boys about stuff ET does. I say, "well, that's...something" quite a bit around YSS. With OSS, I just sorta nod and he says "I know, I know."
In my personal situation my
In my personal situation my father was a lot like BM and my mom never forced me to speak with him if I didn't want to, to this day I haven't spoken to him in years and I didn't even have a decent step father. I'm fine. I will not force my boys to speak to someone they don't want to. Especially SS12 who literally has panic attacks just at the thought of having to see her again. We do not bad mouth her in our home, everything the boys know and have decided about their mother has been on their own. The only time she is discussed is when the boys want to speak about her.
Not surprising. Alienation is
Not surprising. Alienation is multi- generational, and people who do it tend to have experienced it in their family.
Thank you for the legal
Thank you for the legal advice, both SS's requested I adopt them because I am the only real mother they have ever had, their words not mine. SS12 asks every other day if we started the process yet because he wants to be my "real" son.
Not legal advice. Perspective
Not legal advice. Perspective only. You want legal advice, you need to pay an attorney.
Have your SSs gone to counseling at all? Talked to a therapist? Been part of a support group? You also have to be careful with kids who ask to be adopted because what they WANT is someone to make the pain go away, and they think replacing their parent with a new one will do that. It won't.
Whether you move to adopt or not (and I really, truly, don't think you'll be able to force it in the US), the kids need a therapist. They need help with figuring out how to handle the trauma they have experienced. You nor your DH are skilled enough to do that.
Yes, thank you. She thinks
Yes, thank you. She thinks cutting mom out is not a trauma for them, but it is.