that 2 grown women can't find the decency to 1) appreciate you reaching out and 2) communicate back some sympathy or encouraging thoughts for their father.  I don't track why changing the trust (to reduce what SDs get?) would require you to go back to work, but the finacials for stepfamilies and skids is really frustrating, especially when some of the skids just aren't good humans.

that 2 grown women can't find the decency to 1) appreciate you reaching out and 2) communicate back some sympathy or encouraging thoughts for their father.  I don't track why changing the trust (to reduce what SDs get?) would require you to go back to work, but the finacials for stepfamilies are really frustrating, especially when some of the skids just aren't good humans.

married, and biblically it is documented that spouses are "family." I know you know this.

So sorry your DH is in pain, especially at his age. I know it just adds insult to injury when you make the effort to keep them abreast of what is going on with their father, only to be ignored.

Like you, I also USED TO inform adult SKs about DH's surgery, PIN number, room number, his conditon and so forth, all just to be ignored. I visited with our clergyman about this, and he advised me not to contact them anymore, ever. He said I am in no way under any obligation to inform them of anything regarding DH if they cannot have the common decency and courtesy to respond. He has been ill here and there, but I never do contact them. If he should pass away before me, I will not contact them. He has already made pre-paid arrangements when that time comes, and that is that.

I know you realize how trivial the princesses are being, so please, do not lose any sleep over them or their ill mannered behaviors. They're too ignorant and selfish to have a moment of self-efficacy and realize who they are really hurting, and that's their father.

Sacrificial, I'm also sorry to hear that you're husband's in pain.  It was very nice of you to notify his loser SDs.  I agree with MissTexas that you shouldn't bother in the future.  I have a couple skids that ignore my texts, too, so I don't cast my pearls before the swine anymore.  If my husband should be very ill, I will attempt communication, but if I ever get the same treatment as you in such an important matter, it will be their last notification!  I'll bet their lack of concern for him hurts his feelings, but love is blind, so he'll brush it off in his mind.  It is madddning for us to witness, though.  

So sorry to hear all this, SL.  Of course you must disengage.  These vile women do not deserve to profit financially from their Dad and you - not sure what you mean about having to go back to work to cancel the trust, but don't put yourself in a difficult situation on their account.  

I know what you mean also about DHs being afraid of their adult kids - my DH and I had a conversation about this last night that went on for over 2 hours.  I maintain that he bends himself out of shape for them still - even though he's a lot better than he used to be years ago.  It's hard.  He puts up with things he shouldn't, so as to avoid rocking the boat.  Sigh.  

Try a group text that includes DH's phone in the group his kids, and maybe even with yours.  See if being under the direct hairy eyeball of daddy with a notable audience makes a difference in their behavior.

that many of us worry/fret/get angered about:  Adult skids who are not willing to engage at a decent, fundamental level with their own parent and expect all communication and attention be focused in only one direction - THEIRS!

I'm in the same boat. I know if something happens to my SO I will only be doing what he asks me to if he cannot do it himself.  If he is completely incapacitated, I will send a short text to SD and let her know and that will be it.  I will encourage her to contact SO's family if she wants further details. I will keep them updated but not her. 

These skids who show absolutely no care for nor interest in their parent should be financially cut off, IMO. Even if there weren't a stepparent involved, and the parent was single, they should not reward their own thankless children.  Make that doubly-so if there is a stepparent involved who has worked and contributed to those assets as well as caregiving duties. 

I don't know how your trust works but be certain that YOU are not cut out at a certain point!  I've seen it happen several times where everything was supposedly all set up and then a guilty parent gets whispered to by their snake-like child, and lo and behold a new lawyer shows up and wills and trusts get changed.  

If I were you, Lamby, I wouldn't waste another second on any kind of communication with them again. Truly, truly disengage - forever. Don't text them, no matter what. 

I used to try and do what you've done with my SD - send her nice photos of her father enjoying himself, photos of her extended family on his side, etc. and it was a complete waste of my time.  Despite becoming a mother herself, she has shown zero inclination to improve her relationship with her father - not even for the sake of her own child getting to know him. 

SD is all-in with BM and BM's husband, though, and is fully enmeshed with her in laws. Important point about that is it shows she is CAPABLE of having relationships with others, she just chooses not to with her father - and God forbid, me.  So I respect her choice and will have nothing to do with her.  

Those girls are who they are. They will never understand your life with their father. They don't want to. I think that you reaching out to them just shows what a good hearted person you are. You care about your husband. For that they should be happy. You just can't change people even though they need to be changed. HUGS

I'm also at a stage of life where I want peace and to be surrounded by others who are value added. Not self-absorbed takers. 

Whatever decision you make, be sure to take a bit of time and come to a conclusion when you are not emotional or angry. If I had left every time I thought about it I would have been off of StepTalk ten years ago - LOL! 

Weigh everything in balance. Take measurement of your relationship with your DH as though there were no skids in the equation.  If you find that 90% of the time it's good and the 10% of time (with SD contact/involvement) is bad, then think about better ways to disengage from that 10% of the time.

For example, when you figured out that your DH called SD would it have been possible for you to leave the house for awhile? Even go outside?  If you can't hear him groveling at her feet, it helps chip away at that negative 10%.  Out of sight/earshot, out of mind. If nothing else put on a pair of headphones or turn the TV up so you can't hear him. 

On the rare occasions that my SO talks to SD, I confess I used to keep an ear out for any tidbits I could hear.  Then I mentally kicked myself in the @ss and reminded myself that disengaging is an ACTIVE process.  In that, sometimes you must take action to ensure you ARE disengaged.  Thus, leave the room.  Refrain from asking questions.  Refrain from even mentioning the skids at all. 

I never told my SO that I was "disengaging" I just did it, and continue to do it, in the way that works for me. This includes his one and only grandchild. If he mentions he has spoken with her I ask how the baby is and how he is doing. I don't bother to ask about SD, her husband, etc. 

Anything he does mention about them I try to let it go in one ear and out the other because it's really none of my business.  I repeat that to myself as he's speaking, "What SD does is none of my business." in order to push it out of my mind and so that I don't get upset by anything he tells me. I will also physically go to another space just to cut his comments short about SD, eg. "That's nice. Oh, I better check on that laundry!" and walk away. 

I do know it is galling for you to be the one who cares for your DH without any involvement nor interest from his own damn kids. But that it what it is. Imagine that he is single and doesn't have anyone else except you to care for him.

That is also part of disengagement; reframing what a relationship between parents and kids SHOULD be like.  You have a healthy construct with your kids, he does not.  There is no use comparing the two and wishing/hoping/prodding the skids into a different direction that what they choose. They choose to ignore their father and disrespect you; your kids are the opposite. I would definitely tell your BS that SDs are not to be invited to the wedding.  Neither the couple marrying, nor you, should have to be subjected to shenanigans on such an important occasion. 

"Comparison is the thief of joy." said Teddy Roosevelt.  Get your joy back.  Don't compare what you have to what it should be. 

Then look at your personal relationship with DH in a light that has no shadows from SDs falling on it.  If there are things that can be fixed, try to fix them. If there are things that are annoyances, can they be overlooked?  Most importantly, are there financial decisions or arrangements that can be rearranged in a rock-solid manner so that you can ensure you are protected? 

I never married my SO because I figured out finances would be a huge issue, even if we maintained separate accounts. I have kept my own piece of property so that if I ever get shoved out I have a place to call home.  Right now, we are each executors of our wills, POA etc. but if that were to ever change, even without me knowing it, I know that I have my own resources in my own name so I won't be out on a limb.  Can you do something similar? 

I feel for you, I really do.  Because we care for these men, and love them, we are forced to be in the audience watching while their thankless children pull strings making them dance like witless buffoons.  It's not a pretty sight. It does make one lose respect.  And fosters resentment.

In that general relationship equation, I have to be honest and say that I too have faults, foibles and am not always easy to live with either.  I have family members that pop up from time to time and my SO graciously puts up with them even though I know he doesn't care for their company.  

Whatever you do, Lamby, or even if you do nothing...get back your joy.  Find it, grab onto it and don't let anyone wrest it out of your hands.  Not even yourself. 

For quite some time, even prior to being a member I read your posts with interest...your situation seems to resemble mine.  I, too, am not considered family in my step situation and have been informed so.

Like you, my husband is also close to 10 years older than I. My children are respectful love and treat him well. The same cannot be said about this princess.  

When daddy put boundaries in place and finally stopped chasing his 40 year old brat and permitting her to run the show the first thing she did was not allow contact with grandchildren. The next thing she did is spread her sickness to her siblings until the other two had nothing to do with dad as well. The process of alienation if grandchildren to siblings took her 4 years.

The turning point in our family came when I told him I had enough and was leaving the shit show I could not continue like that. He finally understood the seriousness and began setting up boundaries and no longer tolerating the disrespect toward myself and our marriage. I am thankful he got there. It took a lot of work to gain back trust and is doable if both partners work together at it.

It has been sad to watch all unfold...I understand it has nothing to do with me. This was in the works loooong before I knew any of them.

It may be time for some really tough love with your husband. He is the real issue, not his daughters. The point I came to I had nothing more to lose doing so. It will either make him or break him. He doesn't have to be mean with them just grown up and require mutual respect or nothing at all.

Your husband can't expect to keep allowing his daughters to do ugly things and think he can live a beautiful life. When things change inside you...things change around you!

I have been married 10 years and to this day hung on to a property I previously owned, just in case. Now I feel comfortable enough and in a place in my marriage I feel I could sell it and feel ok. 

Lamby you owe these ill behaved women absolutely nothing! You have tried to be the bigger person they prove over and over they do not care about their father.

Be and live well!

My DH was diagnosed with a progressive illness. Instead of texting I phoned ods who is closest to DH.  This needed a conversation you cant get in a text. 

I have disengaged from all 3 SS and this was the first phone conversation I had with OSS ever. He had no idea how bad it is and I felt had to know. 

He and wife live 9 hours away. They are here staying with us this week. OSS wants to spend as much time as he can with DH. He is also being helpful with projects DH cant do anymore.

The other two were informed by their brother and reached out to DH at first but he hardly hears from them now.

I feel at least I have some support now whereas before I felt so alone. It is still going to be a rough ride. 

This sounds so familiar to me. My husband had a serious fall recently, straight overbackwards striking the kitchen bench with his head. I called the ambulance and off he went to hospital. While in hospital he asked me to notify his children. I sent a text to the three oldest letting them know their father was in hospital. One son immediately rang to ask if there was anything he could do to help. Another son rang my husband to check on him. SD in her 50s sent me a text to say is he okay as I am busy. Two weeks later she has still not called.

I have told DH if anything happens again I am not calling her. Other family members can notify her if needs be.