Do skids always have to come on our holiday?
2 skids, 1 bio who is only 3 months old. We have the skids every wknd. Neither of us get a break and other than may leave, we both also work full time. Before bio was born DH never wanted to go on a holiday or wknd away. I always had to beg. He would always tell me how he hates holidays and wasting money. Then he would out of nowhere decide we were all going away together "with the kids too!" (always said in an excited voice) it makes me feel sick. I've hated every holiday we ever went on. I get ignored. The whole thing is exhausting as all we are doing is constantly entertaining children. It's a holiday so he lets them stay up all ours, laying with them, one in each arm. I get back, go to work and it feels like going to work is my break.
Today he says "let's go on an overseas trip to a tropical island, I'll get the kids to come" (hello! Am I supposed to be excited. Oh yay. 3 kids. 2 of which need constant entertainment. The holiday is their holiday all of a sudden. It's easier with just one baby who by that time will be 6 mo the old and I'd get a babysitter so we can go out a night or 2. His kids must never ever be left with a sitter, so that means no time.
I'm curious, if you don't have to go on a holiday with 3 kids. Why the hell would you? I would love a trip without bubs when he is old enough but we have no parents and no help here. The skids could easily stay with BM. Why the hell does DH always want them there. He even admits we can't do anything at all on a holiday with his kids...
is it rude for me to agree to this holiday, but o my if he comes away with me for a wknd somewhere without HIS skids later...?
Sooooo, in other words, money
Sooooo, in other words, money spent on doing things with you is money wasted but money spent on his kids is fun money.
Next time, let him go on his holiday with his kids and you do what you want. You don't have to be joined at the hip with him. I wouldn't go on another trip with them all, ever. Do what you want to do, whatever it is. Oh, and make sure he pays for his kids stuff out of his own pocket.
Does he even understand that a marriage takes work and that work includes private, special couple time? That keeping his wife happy keeps his couple healthy?
Your DH is selfish. He likes
Your DH is selfish. He likes holidays that HE enjoys (ie, with his kids) and not ones that you enjoy. In other words, he doesn't give a flip about your needs and feelings.
I wouldn't go anywhere with him ever again unless he begins to see how selfish he is. My guess is that if you insist he goes away with just you, he will pout the whole time like a 14-year-old. Just plan a nice getaway with some friends (and set up child care for your baby, because he will undoubtedly sabotage your plans by refusing to keep the child alone).
I agree with Winterglow and
I agree with Winterglow and tog. I have never been on a full week's holiday with the SDs - the only time I went was for a weekend at MIL's and it was a disaster - I decided then (it was about 10 yrs ago) never, ever again. DH took them to New York once for a week (we live in England), but I had no desire to go with. DH and I have a week's holiday on our own every year, plus maybe a long weekend. Holidaying with SKIDs would be purgatory - you have our permission to release yourself from it, forthwith!
I so get what you're saying.
I so get what you're saying. When hubs and I go on vacay it's fun and I'm grateful for the opportunity, but there's always a part of him not there with me and knowing that always puts a damper on it. I'd love to know what a vacation feels like where he's all in with me.
Yeah, I wouldn't go with them all either, although I can imagine you'd be feel long really left out and wondering what fun they're having without you. I'd definitely sit down with him and share your kind feelings-that you would love some one on one time every now and then.
I refuse to go on trips involving skids especially the miniwive
Sd's.
sd was 22.5 and was banging on our bedroom door early morning while me and hubby were having sex. The emergency? To grab a bag of sugar from the car to gift to my sil. Our 1 & 2 yr old were sleeping in our room
so anytime hubby falls into the sd's guilttrip that he abandoned them when they abandoned him years ago... i ask hubby how much he loves his sex and wants it? Because he won't be getting any if skids come on our trip. That sorts it out immediately...
I think saying "no thanks DH,
I think saying "no thanks DH, I'm not interested in a kid-friendly trip, but enjoy taking the SKs and bub!" might make him stop dead in his tracks and this vacation won't seem fun anymore. Then very calmly lay out why a trip with 3 kids isn't fun for you when you need a recharge.
I think the compromise here is a short "fun" trip with the SKs, then a longer, more relaxed "adult trip" that you can hire a babysitter for one or two nights so you can do more adult things. If he balks that bub is getting more vacations than SKs, remind your DH that they get trips with their mom AND bub is too young right now to give a darn about going anywhere.
I have refused for several years to take the SSs on trips because they've shown little excitement about a trip. I'm not spending thousands extra on a trip they aren't excited for when they are thrilled with local trips to escape rooms, arcades, conventions, etc. DH is cool with this arrangement because he still gets fun memories with his kids and no one seems upset.
You just have to put your foot down. No "fun" trips without a "relaxing" trip. If your DH wants a fun trip with his kids, he takes ALL his kids. Then, later, you take a relaxing trip by yourself without ANY kids. Either he compromises or you both get what you want - and I'd throw a holy fit if he wanted to take "his kids" on a trip somewhere that didn't include the baby because the baby is his kid, too.
ETA: The only reason any of this sounds good to him is likely because 1) if you go, your money helps support the trip; 2) he has a "win" against you if you complain ("we went on a holiday like you wanted, why are you complaining?); and, 3) you likely act as a buffer and maid/child minder so HE can relax while getting his emotional well replenished by his children. You likely care far more about hotel rooms/rentals being picked up, buying and making simple food versus eating out everywhere, making sure everyone has on sunscreen and remembered water bottles - whatever. You likely do all the emotional labor for the trip, because you're trying to make a bad situation tolerable. He benefits while you suffer.
What should make this infuriating for you is that taking two trips is easy enough to do. Even of you two only had five work days off a year, assumimg you had shared weekenda off, that becomes one 4-day holiday and one 5-day holiday over a weekend. Or two 5-day holidays if you span it over an actual Monday holiday.
This is such a stupid thing for him to get caught up on since it's SUPER easy to make two trips work for the same price as one. This isn't about money. Remember that.
Completely agree, except I
Completely agree, except I see no problem with him taking fun kid trips without taking their joint child, at least til the baby is past age 3 or so.
Babies can really drag kid outings down: I hated when my parents would limit our activities on outings (say at a water park) because my youngest sibling was too little for it.
Ironically he wants to go to
Ironically he wants to go to do things he likes...fishing and boating etc. last time we arranged that type of thing he decided it would be great to take the kids. So we took them and guess what, none if the boats would take him out with kids, the kids didn't want to do anything other than what they wanted, the kids were sick, and he came back stressed and disappointed. Not sure what he thinks will happen this time. Probably thinks I will care for the children while he had his fun...so really he wasn't trying to book a fun kid focussed trip, but if he takes then that's that's what it would be. Lol. Last time I offered to stay home he said there was no way he was going with kids alone, speaks volumes really
Trips with skids are not "holidays"
They aren't " vacations", either. There should be a different word.
Afflication?
Afflication?
Stress tests?
Stress tests?
My parents traveled without
My parents traveled without us on occasion when we were younger. I remember them going to Hong Kong without us when I was maybe 9 yo and my brother was 7. There were other trips too... maybe not multiple trips a year.. and maybe not every single year.. but they did go without us. Obviously they wanted to see and do things that would have bored us kids to tears or would not have been kid friendly. We also did not have any family nearby as my father was in the military. What they did was have a trusted family friend stay with us when they would travel.
Now, because you are pushing for a "you" trip.. you should also try to figure out a solution for the baby too.. it is a bit unfair to claim you want kid free time.. then bring a kid...lol. I'm not even saying that you can't ever go places with the skids either.. but you do have to remember that he is their father too. and he likely wants to share experiences like vacations with them. If money is an issue, he may not feel like it's fair to leave them out completely.. but that doesn't mean you can't somehow figure out at least an adult weekend away for the two of you.
Do you have any other "baby-mom" friends that might be interested in doing a kind of "swap" for kid free vacations? Or.. is there any relative that might be willing to come stay with the kids for a few days?
I don't think it's
I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to go on a vacation with HER family alone. She shouldn't have to take the skids every time she wants to go away with her husband and child.
Yes what happens when the
Yes what happens when the skids are in their 20s and OPs kids are school aged? President needs to be set now or they are going to be doing vacations with the skids forever. there are definitely people who post here once in a while about how their husbands won't go on vacations because their older kids can't go.
" I'm not even saying that
" I'm not even saying that you can't ever go places with the skids either.. but you do have to remember that he is their father too. and he likely wants to share experiences like vacations with them."
Yep.. I did say that it's ok to do things without skids too.
But, if they are only taking one or two trips a year.. it may be a harder sell to leave "JUST" his kids behind vs lobbying for a kid free adult getaway. Sure, custody schedules etc.. will make trips not always line up with Skid availability and it's ok to do things without skids each and every time.. because the skids may be doing things on THEIR own with mom. Ideally, those skid free trips line up on days when the skids already are going somewhere with BM which makes it not possible for them to come with you.
It shouldn't be a "hard sell"
It shouldn't be a "hard sell" at all. A caring partner can understand that the skids aren't HER kids, and that she might want to take a vacation with just her own child and him. And he could tell the skids that exactly.
Why do skids have to be coddled all the time about vacations? When your parents are divorced, you miss out on stuff they do without you.
I didn't say "hard sell".. I
I didn't say "hard sell".. I said "harder sell".. because she mentioned he had generally been reluctant to spend money on vacations previously. It would be relatively easier for her to make the case for an adult vacation vs one that excluded some of his kids. Yes.. they are not hers.. and he "should" understand..it shouldn't be a hard or harder sell we all know that it IS absolutely not always easy to convince our partners that it is OK to leave some of his kids out of something they see as a major financial use of marital funds.. like vacations.
I'm trying to give her realistic advice and it may not be realistic for her to be able to make that point that "the kids arent' hers".. without the discussion collapsing into a "you hate my kids" defensive stance on his part.
Then her real problem is that
Then her real problem is that she has an uncaring partner. Learning to "sell" things to him isn't the solution.
My DH didn't feel the sun rose and set with his kid - so not all men with kids are this way, and it shouldn't be okay that they are. Her needs matter too. If he can't compromise on anything, as she's offering, then that's the real problem.
He won't leave his kids with
He won't leave his kids with a sitter or relative or anyone. They're giant babies. On their mothers side they have grandparents, and family members who watch them regularly. BM takes them on atleast one holiday a year, sometimes 2, and she goes on a holiday herself while the kids are with grandparents...sometimes almost 2 weeks. (This in addition to having every wknd off while we have the kids)
We do not have any family, and no support so we have no choice but to take bubs. The difference is that I am happy to get a hotel babysitter for a few nights out and maybe even a day trip.
Im still happy to go on a holiday with all the kids once a year. But I would like to do some without the skids too.
Sorry, o should say they are
Sorry, o should say they are capable of being looked after (as their mother has done this) it's guilty dad who refuses to leave them. They have now learned that at dads house they never have to be babysat. Dad has never once had a night out and if he were to try that now they would kick and scream and then sook for the rest of the wknd making him feel bad.
I guess I'm lucky that my DH
I guess I'm lucky that my DH thinks holidays with SD12 are pretty miserable too. the whole time she will be talking about what she has done with BM and where they've went and how it was so much better than whatever we're doing. A few times of not showing any appreciation and my husband decided that trips with SD were not worth it.
We have a daughter together now and another on the way period no vacations yet and I can't see us going on one for at least another year. Once our kids together are a little bigger I'm going to make sure that it's a habit for us to go on at least one larger trip a year and perhaps a few long weekends to closer places.
Snap
And I'm pleased for you both that hubby doesn't feel he has to keep doing it
I am still back at he has
I am still back at he has kids every weekend. Doesnt your bm like her bio's?
Probably not more than free
Probably not more than free-range d*ck lol jk! You would think she would want a few weekends a month with her own children at least.
Hasn't wanted a wknd with
Hasn't wanted a wknd with them in years yet!
Yeah, been there like many
Yeah, been there like many others.
I refused to go on any vacation with the SDs for a couple years. DH was free to do whatever, but without me. He did which was fine.
My last straw was overseas last year with an alientated OSD (hey, free trip overseas for her of COURSE she's going - but you won't know she'll be there until we arrive at the airport). Long story short is that I agreed to the trip (was originally going to be just him and I but he made it into a kid bribe) only if 1. I paid NOTHING not one penny towards OSD 2. I'd help pay YSDs airfare because she's ok but nothing more 3. I would not help with food or entertainment for SDs because this was supposed to be a vacation for me 4. I demanded one night/day for only he and I for some downtime, leave SDs with his family and 5. I would not sit with them in the airplane or help at the airport unless absolutely needed.
He agreed, we went, he was exhausted after day 1.
Seems to me that DH is living
Seems to me that DH is living in a child focused marriage and you are living in adult focused marriage. The two never play well with each other.
That's spot on. Child centred
That's spot on. Child centred marriage (bio or not) always ends badly. He doesn't seem to understand that. In his first relationship ship he wasn't child focused at all. I think he is overcompensating and I'll probably walk out one day. It's not like I haven't expressed my needs for adult time a heap of times already.
To answer your question NO, NO, NO
You must take SK free Vacation. DH and BM took kid free vacations? So why don't you get the same thing. You must take at least one SK free Vacation per year and some eeekend getaway with your bio child. To do family things together.
Not your fault that DH and BM divorces, They did not think of the kids then, or being a family with there kids. So if it was good enough for DH and BM. It's should be good enough for you.
They had there change at the Happy Family, you should get the same chance.
Just say no. Let DH know that
Just say no. Let DH know that holidays with skids are not relaxing or enjoyable for you, and you'd get more of a break at work. I like the idea of a couple trip in exchange for a skid trip, but I'd insist that the couple trip come first and be to a destination you'd truly enjoy.
DH and I have gone on more vacations without the skids than with them. To be honest, he has more fun when they're not along, too.
Funny enough, the few times I
Funny enough, the few times I've dragged him kicking and screaming on a child free holiday he has ended up loving it and wishing he had more adult time. He forgets that pretty quick as soon as we get back.
I don't think he "forgets,"
I don't think he "forgets," he just doens't want to admit it.
(because that will make him the bad guy)
If he was happy to leave them
If he was happy to leave them with a sitter, I'd probably let them come on our trips more often!
If the kids can't be left
If the kids can't be left with a sitter, and you have them every weekend, when do you and your DH get to go out alone? That sounds miserable.
Never!
God help him if he were to choose me for 1 day of his life. Even worse, if the skids aren't here (eg mother has the occasional family affair requiring skid attendance) he sees a great opportunity to go to work and catch up on things, or better yet...the pub
Of course you can go on
Of course you can go on holiday with no kids. With the idiot you make your life with it will take putting his balls in a vice and keeping the pressure firmly applied. Whe he pitches the SKid holidays, just say no. PERIOD!
Lather, rinse, repeat.
any trip i went on with the
any trip i went on with the SS13 was a nightmare !! everything revolved around this kid which had to be entertained ALL the time. We spent xmas in Indonesia, i rented an amazing villa for 10days and hired a private chef to come and cook us a feast for xmas day,,,, well the skid made evrything so miserable, he wouldnt eat anything that was cooked, wouldnt leave his father alone for one minute to sit and enjoy a drink with me,, we had a whole villa to oursleves with a giant pool full of inflatble toys etc ,, my son didnt have a problem making the most of the experience but this little brat just made it hell. DH was ready to put him on a plane home back to BM after the first day! it was terrible and never agian, even DH said never agian are we going anywhere with his kid, it was just a waste of money as noone enjoyed themsleves . DONT GO! let your DH go and see how much work it is with his own brats 24/7.
Do you have seperate finances?
I only ask as it seems he's making a financial decision, booking a holiday with skids , without really considering you. Could you demand that if he pays the kids holiday (as that's essentially what it is) he then buys you a seperate one?
Or he pays and goes on holiday as he wishes and you pay and make the decisions on another of your choice.
Yeah our money is seperate.
Yeah our money is seperate. But I paid for the last skid free one. I don't see why I have to pay for all the adult ones and he just spends his money only on trips entertaining his kids. He even whinged one time because I didn't want to go on a family holiday but he didn't want to be alone with kids. So I made him pay for all of the hotel, food and kids entertainment...at one point he made a rude comment that I wasn't putting my "share" in.
I think he should pay for skids holidays, and he should pay something towards our adult holidays too.
Draw up a spreadsheet showing
Draw up a spreadsheet showing the proportion of his responsibilities vs your responsibilities and then divide up all the costs for the holidays accordingly. Sometimes you have to bludgeon them with brute reason.