School holidays are looooooming
So I made the choice to disengage several months ago and it was the best thing I ever did. Bio mum was a manipulative lying cow and dad just wants to be their mate ... it was literally taking a toll on my own health having to wade through the minefield of bullshit around raising their children so one day I had had enough and just stopped.
They aren't terrible kids but I dread them coming during visitation .... meal times are so much more stressful because they eat like toddlers (they are 9 & 11), the boy speaks with a whine in his voice in broken conversation like a 5 year old, the girl lies and manipulates like her mother, never asks for anything outright using manners, always talks around something she wants - even the most basic things like a drink from the fridge.
Old me used to make extra meals and constantly cater to their dull palates and it was always at the expense of my own children who have a wide and varied diet and eat anything I put in front of them. I can take my kids to restaurants but taking the step kids is a chore! Never eat anything, whine and play up at the table, can't use cutlery ..... so horrible is the experience that I just stopped wanting to even try. Its just embarrassing the lack of manners and appropriate behaviour.
So here we are ... school holidays about to start and I have them for a solid week. Not looking forward to it at all. A week of me going to work and then locking myself in my room away from them so I don't have to listen to their voices or their constant bitching.
If the hotels were open I would take me and my kids on a staycation just for a break for a few days but alas they are not.
Anyone who is questioning whether disengaging is works it is a life saver. The world keeps spinning and everything just chugs along and you are emotionally free as you should be. Two alive parents mean you shouldn't have to worry and they should be adequately cared for and parented without you lifting a finger ... and when it's not going to be appreciated, why should you bother!
Like you, when my SDs were
Like you, when my SDs were the age of your SKIDs, DH just wanted to be their friend and there were few boundaries or rules. They both used to tell lies all the time, and I always sussed it out, DH would never believe me, then at some point it would become clear I'd been right. I disengaged when they were still pretty young and remain so to this day, they are in mid 20s.
Like you I rarely went out to a restaurant with DH and the SDs as it was so unenjoyable. Younger SD would usually sabotage the whole thing, and her doing this was the reason why I disengaged in the first place. I remember once when they were in their mid teens, a message came back from NPD BM for me, via DH, that I should "try harder" with her daughters. Yeah right, NPD, that boat sailed years ago.
Oh man, the restaurant issues
Oh man, the restaurant issues. I was so fed up with it that a year and a half went by before I would go to a restaurant with them...and the first returning trip was to breakfast (easy). I still avoid restaurants with YSD to this day if possible.
You are disengage
Your DH has kids and responsibility to them . As seeing them, being a father to them. Pay support for them. Ect. You as a SM has no responsibility for them. Just stay away, cook as you normally do. If SK don't eat it it's up to DH. Along with all other parenting.
or you can pick yourself up and go out to eat by yourself or with friends. Kids should have a bed time. Try to be home after that
Restaurants are a risky venue
Restaurants are a risky venue for the presence of ill behaved kids whether they are BKs or SKs.
We were fortuneate. My SS was an impeccably behaved kid. He always was. Particularly in public. He enjoyed eating out, liked nice restaurants, great food and the time we had together being foodies.
My table in a restaurant is MY TABLE. An ill behaved kid would leave my table if they failed to immediately fix their shit as it applies to behavior. Crappy table manners... buh-bye. Take your to-go container and go eat on the bench out front until the rest of us are finished. Whiney crap, same thing. Etc, etc, etc.... If the kid is too young to eat on the waiting bench out front alone, their BioParent can go with them.
Tolerance of crappy behavior is entirely and completely the fault of the adults who are present.
I don't tolerate it. Period.