Today has been a roller coaster, since last night in fact.

Firstly we had a wonderful week without Munchkin Sd14. It was her week with her mother, Toxic Troll and you kow what? Its cliche by now, but the last few days leading up to her Monday arrival to us were filled with love and wonder and awesomeness tinged with dread at her impending arrival.

To explain, back to the cliche part. EVERY TIME she is with us she cries or causes drama somehow. She cannot help it, I suppose, she is 14. Being kind and respectful as she is, its hard to be mad directly at her. Really I should be mad at her bio parents, but too often I fall into the "Resentment Trap", that trap that tells is "everything is incredible with this person, until THEY show up". Yes, I fell into that trap. Because its partly true.

But the fault this time lies with the bio parents, and realizing this I am redirecting my resentment to those that actually deserve it. 

What happened last night.

Well it started great. I donned my running clothes, and DH was in a very happy mood. Then I go running, and there is Toxic Troll dropping off munchkin, with her white husky in her lap. "Hi!" and I run off. Come back and we start doing "sets" in our little modest home gym since the gymns are closed. Dh's specialtiy is weight training. So he coaches both of us. Munchkin is talking non-stop, in what I think of as her "transitional catch-up, decompression" mode. Asking a million questions. Its her way of getting back into the flow of our household, after being in a different household.

ok. So, after a wonderuly simple and delicious dinner, I wander around doing my laundry and houshold tasks while the two chat together getting up to speed on what I term "business". School started Monday via Zoom, with a few hiccoups. Then there are textbooks to pickup, and while it would be convenient for Toxic Troll to pick her up and take her from our house, DH gave a resounding "not going to hapen" within earshot of me. Then whispers. Then I heard conversation about her new interest in playing the BASS. Not the flute as she was going to do a few weeks ago and had gotten her father to agree to. Supposedly she has 50$ and both her parents are chipping in the rest, so she can play bass and her friend can play guitar and everyone sing koombaya.

My issues are threefold:

1. Why the whispers? I walked up and asked them both whats up (knowing that it was about Toxic Troll not picking up munchkin from our house....) and got blank stares and "nothing". I said, ok, smiled and walked away, and approached him later and he became angry. There went yet another great night ruined by Toxic Troll (and Munchkin...). The issue is that she still doesnt see her mother as "the enemy" (duh). And just thinks it would be so easy. But ive seen her go through 6 plus years of her mother being toxic to not just her father but everyone. Shes 14, and wiser than she should be, but she is still ignoring that elephant.

2. When the next morning I brought it up, I asked about the bass and what was that about, I never heard about that...Im your wife, Im here to help you out and support you in life, why not tell me? Then it came out that Toxic Troll via Munchkin her mouthpiece had asked what he was going to chip in for the Bass, like hes a deadbeat. He tells her "I pay your mother child support, that money should be going to you". Yes in fact hes paid almost 8,000 in child support thus far. When its all over at 18, he will have paid about 24,000. 

3. Munchkin has been given a tablet at $1,400, with pen $200, a violin $300, by her mother. Her mother claims all the credit, but shes not working, shes collecting child support, disability as well as food stamps, plus does work on the side, not to mention the spousal support she had been collecting prior to March. Of course she gets all the credit. DH is really bothered by this as Toxic Troll wastes no opportunity making him feel less than.

I guess my issue is in the race to be the "better parent", Munchkin has learned she is entitled simply by existing and doesnt have to do the work to earn anything. She has a problem scrubbing the tub by herself. Doesnt cook anything other than pancakes. Doesnt do any chores and picks up dog poo once a week for her cell phone ($75 monthly) 

I know Im all over the place here. Its just that I am feeling left out of important conversations and yet they get upset when I refer to myself as the "step aside"... And I feel for Dh who is stuck between creating boundaries and being what he thinks of as a good parent.

Its just really hard.