How my relationship evolved with SD
I met sd and she was pretty whiney, but i tried to be a cool nice stepmom. I noticed that she was mean, always tried to exclude my kids. When they all hung out with their cousin, she'd grab the cousin and say things like "we're like sisters, y'all aren't really our family." When sd and dds would play outside, she'd make comments about how they weren't cute, how DH wasnt really their dad, and that they weren't really like her sisters. All this was true, but they treated her just like she was their sister, DH claimed my dds as his kids (their father has never been in the picture).
I tried to take on a more authoritative role and enforce rules and consequences with her. I noticed she never feels bad about anything she says and/or does. So i started making all the write apology notes when they hurt someone's feelings intentionally. Something that had what they did, how it made that person feel, and how they will keep it from happening in the future. Of course sd half assed "apologized". Basically "sorry i hurt your feelings, it won't happen again" everytime for everything. I was hoping it would give her insight to how she was making everyone feel, but she could honestly care less.
My hatred and resentment grew for sd as time went on, she constantly was hurting people's feelings as horribly as she knew how, and she was getting sneakier about it. She also began instigating fights, just to get someone in trouble, she was sneaking things and blaming it on someone else, just to get them in trouble, she was destroying people's property, and blaming it on someone else.
Now because of my negative feelings towards her, and my frustration with her, and utter nausea and disgust with who she is and her personality, i have stepped back and disengaged with her. My kids are old enough to know how to disengage from her as well.
Your DH?
Where is your DH in this? Does he see it?
There, dealing with it as
There, dealing with it as well. But i think since seeing me disengage, i think he's thrown in the towel as well... i don't think he knows what to do.
How old?
You dont say how old she is. Was the divorce dramatic? BM unstable? Would he be up for parenting classes? She sounds like a time bomb with the bad behaviors escalating.
She's 15 there was no divorce
She's 15 there was no divorce, they were bf/gf when she got pregnant. Other than being a controlling !t€# that over reacted to every cut and scrape, BM is completely normal.
Parentng class?
Any chance he would consider a parenting class? You know he is the basic problem, right? I doubt if much will change til he starts parenting her. Some kind of counseling would help, too. I hope he's not giving up
I agree, i also think BM had
I agree, i also think BM had a hand in catering to every little thing she wanted.... but i try not to focus on BM as i can't tell her how to patent her child. DH tried for years to correct SD's behavior, he was very much on top of her behavior for years, but at this point, i think it's just her personality... i think that there isn't much he can do to correct it. It's who she is. I don't think theat means he should give up. But who am i to tell someone how to parent their 15yo?
I understand here. SD was 5
I understand here. SD was 5 when I met her and DH had custody. She would only see BM in the summer. SD always had a "chip on her shoulder" but enjoyed being active, doing fun things together, etc. She was a "tougher" child, but fun to do things with.
BM got 50/50 custody when she was 8. Honestly, this is when things went downhill. She would start drama between BM and DH. Go over there and bad mouth the other parent and feed into drama. Of course BM would always believe her, so it just led to more conflict. I confronted SD about the things she was saying about me (Supposedly I "lock her in her room"). Btw, this was when I was taking her to the pool EVERYDAY in the summers. This is when my resentment towards her started. I was bending over backwards to create a relationship, only to find out she was two faced and talking trash. The way she was treating me changed significantly. I disengaged after this.
I think SD had started to resent that she was the only one going "back and forth" between two houses. I stayed with DH, and BM had two other kids that lived with her 100% of the time.
SD is now 10 and her general attitude has gone way downhill. She has terrible hygeine, doesn't care about her appearance, doesn't socialize and only plays on electronics. Her whole demeanor is negative and complains all the time now... even at birthday parties, family vacations, etc. DH is constantly afraid that she is "ruining other people's time." Which is totally true. She sucks the fun out of everything. Her BM is a very depressed and dramatic person that "plays the victim." SD has grown more like her over the years, especially since custody changed. But DH and I are just accepting that is who she is and who her BM is. Sucks to say becuase she wasn't like that when I met her. But yes, I agree with just sometimes the personaity is just too much to bear.