Introduction - longtime lurker
Introducing myself: I discovered StepTalk via Internet search about 5 years ago, shortly before my marriage to DH who came along with 50/50 custody of SS13, SD11, and SS9 (ages at that time): I barely knew the SKs before the wedding, had little experience with any stepfamily situations, and wanted to prepare myself for the worst - the situations described on this site opened my eyes to all possible worst-case scenarios!
I've been lurking ever since, and have gained quite a bit from your hard-won experience and wisdom. My situation has turned out mainly positive so far. DH is a loyal husband and a strong father not driven by guilt, and has never tolerated me being sidelined or disrespected. The SKs accept me as full family, though not as Mom of course. Our DDnow3 is a joy to all. The BM is a piece of work, but rarely a direct presence in our family life due to DH's excellent boundaries and the SKs now being high school age (and their growing up to realize she's not too stable).
Still, there are stressors: we can't live where we'd like currently, and the kids are emotionally stunted in some ways. Also, much as I care about the SKs, I do find myself sometimes drained by their presence.
Hoping to keep learning and occasionally posting here!
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Comments
Welcome!
Welcome to Steptalk! I'm relatively new, too. This site is so educational and insightful. Many people, many experiences, varied backgrounds, different countries. I hate to say it but sometimes I feel better after reading some of the posts, what some of our poor step-parents go thru is horrible, it makes my situation look good. Sounds like things are going well for you so far, I'm glad! Good luck and I'll look forward to your comments.
Welcome to the site!
Glad that it's going well for you - we don't get that many here who have had such a positive experience, it makes a refreshing change. I can identify with the not being able to live where you want. I left my area when my own daughters were 19 and 21, and moved 100 miles or so to live with DH in a rather grotty little town because it's where his own, much younger daughters were, with their awful mother. We lived in said grotty town for 17 yrs and moved to the country 2 months ago, to a bigger house, and an area which we love. Best of all it's further away from BM and the SDs.
My sister had an experience
My sister had an experience like yours - good relationship with her SD, a BM who was a little off but didn't try to interfere or alienate, and just the typical stressors of being a stepparent.
That SD is now in her 40s, my sister is Grandma to her kids (along with the bio grandmother) and the SD also has a great relationship with my sister's daughter, who is now 24. I know my sister bit her tongue a lot and just worked to keep things smooth, and it paid off for her.
Most likely your situation will work out similarly to my sister's. Most of us here have extreme variables - a really crazy BM or a DH who parents horribly and can't protect his wife from his ex and kids.
Thing is, BM in my case is
Thing is, BM in my case is quite certifiably crazy: BPD and schizophrenia, psychotic breaks that had her institutionalized for weeks.
She presents as quite sweet, smooth, and put-together (but soon with cracks showing), and can play the victim masterfully. When the kids were younger, they were very susceptible to her manipulation - but as they've become teenagers, it's just... stopped. They of course care about her, but all three SKs no longer take her seriously or go along with her whims, and they've become suspicious of her motivations.
I just can't believe the influence of this type of mother can be shaken off that easily, so am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak!
This is the key to success
This is the key to success indeed: “DH is a loyal husband and a strong father not driven by guilt, and has never tolerated me being sidelined or disrespected. The SKs accept me as full family, though not as Mom of course.”
I think sometimes we get so caught up in Step-Hell, we forget that there are success stories out there. In two sentences you nailed what it takes--DH is a loyal husband and a strong father not driven by guilt, and has never tolerated me being sidelined or disrespected. The SKs accept me as full family (or at least as dad’s wife), though not as Mom of course.
Simple, you’d think. Yet for some reason unattainable for most SMs.
I have that kind of DH, too -
I have that kind of DH, too - but with a crazy BM, even that's not enough.
Yep, forget the crazy BM
Yep, forgot the crazy BM factor!
That's exactly it - luckily,
That's exactly it - luckily, even though I was clueless about stepfamily dynamics when DH and I started dating, enmeshment with the ex was a dealbreaker for me. DH 100% initiated the divorce after years of escalating personality-disordered behavior on BM's part, and had done most of the hard psychological work on himself of unraveling why he had married her despite early signs -- so I wasn't *at all* worried about lingering romantic feelings.
He did have a few boundary slips "for the kids." In our first year of dating, about 3 years after their divorce, he went out to dinner with her and the kids for SSthen7's birthday. Did I ever rain fire on him for that! Told him I wasn't going to be involved with any man who still played happy family at dinner with his ex-wife, letting the kids think their parents might get back together (as I'm sure she fostered). He sputtered a bit that it was just for SS7's sake, but quickly realized that he'd been "had" and has had ironclad boundaries since.
BM stealing his keys off the restaurant table at that event...with plausible deniability, of course... also helped drive the point home!
I'm impressed that your BM
I'm impressed that your BM hasn't tried to alienate the kids.
She has tried to alienate, in
She has tried to alienate, in the past. It just never stuck.
The SSs, even back when more loyal and protective of her as preteens, were just as loyal to DH. SD was somewhat alienated, but snapped out of it around age 10, shortly before we were married.
SD recently told me she realizes she was wrong to have favored her mom over her dad when younger.
That's good. She's a poor
That's good. She's a poor alienator, or the kids are resilient, or both.
Your story about the dinner
Your story about the dinner out, reminds me of something that happened with us, and my DH didn't even have the excuse that it was all new to him, like yours did. It was when the SDs were in their teens, and he'd organised to take them to London for the day for SD23's birthday - probably her 13th or 14th. Anyway, they and their friends were due to meet DH at the railway station in the morning. I didn't find this out till a few weeks later, one of the SDs let it drop at dinner, that NPD BM had been there that day. When I confronted DH later, in private, he said that she'd shown up at the station and he didn't feel he could say she couldn't come. I was furious and told him never to let anything like that happen again.
Wow! What are these men thinking, letting themselves be walked all over?
BM here tried a few more maneuvers like that, like trying to get in his car when he was picking the kids up for an outing. But DH gave her a blank stare and made it clear that stunt wouldn't fly. She gave up playing those games when they got her nowhere.
It's good to know there are
It's good to know there are positive experiences. Maybe if you read about something and you or your DH handled a similar situation differently and better, sharing what you guys did right might help the rest of us!
I think the key thing the
I think the key thing the poster did here was marry a man that had his balls intact. He didn't leave them behind in BM's purse for her to use! LOL!
That is true! I'm realizing
That is true! I'm realizing more and more how much DH has buffered me from the bs of steplife, right from the beginning. He deserves a reward :).
There are very few of us on
There are very few of us on here with husbands who didn't leave their balls in BM's purse. Even though BM here was successful in alienating and ruining my SS, DH and I are still happily married because I think he did all he could to protect me from it, and when it became necessary, he let SS go and moved on.
I've been following your
I've been following your story as a lurker, and am especially impressed by your DH's protecting your marriage and his dignity despite deep PAS and the resulting pain. Much respect to Mr. Tog Redux.
He does deserve an award. If
He does deserve an award. If more DH's set up boundaries and didn't allow crazy ex BM's and SD's to manipulate them a lot of us would not be here!!!
Yeah, for once it’d be nice
Yeah, for once it’d be nice to hear what a DH with balls looks like. But you have to give the OP credit here too, because she was wise enough to catch on early and put her foot down about a few things too. For many of us, we waited too long to react or bought into gaslighting techniques, so by the time we started getting wise, our efforts to initiate change were thereby tripled if not more.
Even though some people try to claim otherwise, I think it is great for future SMs to come here, if for anything to recognize these red flags when they see them and to be able to nip them in the bud early. That pandering to the BM deal, for example, has to be cut-off quickly and with a sharp sword. Very few SMs are worried about “lingering feelings,” but they are worried about a lifetime of a manipulative, controlling BM and feeling like sloppy-seconds in their own marriage.
And, even though to some on the outside, telling your husband brunches with BM and the kids are out might sound jealous or "unfair," it has nothing to do with being jealous of anyone, and what is unfair, esp. in step-situations, depends upon whom you are speaking with. It has to do with insisting early-on that you be treated as what you are—a wife—vs. a polygamous bride at the end of the line. Mom and dad don’t get to continue to play games with any and all and have their cake and eat it too, just because they got divorced.
This is true! I also wish
This is true! I also wish that I had come to this site earlier and gained insight earlier and put a foot down earlier!
100% agree that prospective
100% agree that prospective SMs can save themselves grief and tears reading this site pre-marriage.
Though I had enough sense on my own somehow to nip any sloppy-seconds setup in the bud, I could easily have fallen into another SM trap: thinking I was supposed to "play mom" from the start in my marriage. But ST taught me better.
Keeping a low profile likely saved me from initial SK (and BM) resentment, and actually allowed the relationship with my SKs to grow naturally into a more trusted parental-esque role.
Thank you - I'm no expert yet
Thank you - I'm no expert yet, but will share when helpful!
Hahaha
Add me to the ball-less partner club...your DH sounds like a unicorn, as does a functional blended family where you (OP) are truly happy, but it's nice to know it exists :)