I'm so ready to move on... tired of SK controlling life
Hey hope everyone is doing well. I've been reading a lot of posts on here lately and wow I feel like anyone who is remotely considering dating someone with children should be directed to this site beforehand. The step kid life is difficult. We step parents sure put up with more than we should.
I just really need to vent right now and internet strangers are all I have besides my mom. So SD has had zero contact with any of us. My husband reaches out several times a week to no avail. BM still takes SD to therapy as far as we know and she said she is doing so much better. However, she has no plans to visit or contact my husband anymore. BM was also kind enough to send my husband a hefty birthday wishlist for SD but informed him that SD's birthday would be ruined if he showed up or was mentioned. So now my husband is just going to drop gifts from him and the family in the driveway. BM told my husband that SD informed her that she sent me a video message the other day and I never replied. My husband kind of questioned me which really irritated me. He thought I would hide it to spare his feelings. I have had zero contact and have received nothing from SD. So who knows if BM or SD is lying.
I'm really just tired of waiting on this kid to either be a part of the family or not. I'm at the point where I don't care and I am tired of walking on egg shells. Our children together have been asking a lot and we have been kind of beating around the bush as to what happened to SD. I don't know how much longer we can keep making excuses. I feel like I am being dishonest to our children.
All the baby stuff is crammed into our bedroom along with my husband's work desk. My SD flipped out in early last year because the desk was in her room. We made it a point not to be in her room using it while she visited so she still had her space and privacy. So it only just existed in the room. However, she went insane one day hysterically crying over it being there (SD was caught lying but somehow it was the desk's fault that she lied). She started threatening not to see us until we moved it. So of course my husband moved it out then redecorated it for her. We have zero room. Her room has been sitting empty for months and I want to move some stuff in there for the time being but I don't know how well this will go over with my husband. We have packed away some of her breakables and tossed a huge stash of hidden food we found. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for something to happen and if she is going this far to keep us out of her life then why are we waiting? I want to just move on. Maybe I am a jerk or insensitive to this but it's been a long time coming and my husband was truly blind sided where I was absolutely not surprised. I'm just done. If you made it this far thanks for listening!
No, no, no gifts in the
No, no, no gifts in the driveway! Gifts stay at your house waiting for her to resume visitation. He can’t start trying to buy her love. It really makes things worse.
That's my take on it too. She
That's my take on it too. She called the cops on him and made up some bogus story the last thing she should get is gifts! My husband sees it as a confused little girl who will be hurt if doesn't give something.
I do think she should get
I do think she should get gifts, it's her birthday - just not hand delivered.
When my SS was alienated, he wanted stuff from our house, and DH said, sure, come on over and get it. SS asked for it to be put on the porch, DH said nope.
SS did come over and we had a nice visit for the first time in a year. Now, he did go on to be alienated for another 2.5 years, but at least he knew that DH wasn't going to buy his love or cater to his demands.
And DH sure as hell did not cater to lists and demands made through BM. If SD wants something from her father, she needs to ask for herself. Letting BM be the gatekeeper just cements the dysfunction.
I feel bad for you
I remember your former blogs. I feel bad for you, it's like the SD is holding your little family hostage. I'm not a therapist and I'm trying to have sympathy for a young person but it all sounds so unfair to you. I agree with Tog Redux, no taking gifts over there. When she is able to come over, she can get her gifts then. But really, that's the least of your problems. Feeling sincere empathy for you.
Thanks. I'm just venting a
Thanks. I'm just venting a lot out. I agree I think the gifts are a mistake. I do feel bad because I don't care like my husband does. I just want to move past it write her off but I have sympathy for him because he is hurting. He doesn't really deserve this. He has always been a good dad and I guess if I were in that situation I would probably feel the same way. Like you said it does feel like a hostage situation. I just never thought a 14 year old would have this much power over an entire family.
Vent away
That's what we are here for. It seems like we hear about so many good dads who are treated so poorly by the SKs. It's awful.
Personally, I don’t think it
Personally, I don’t think it was kind of BM to do this, “BM was also kind enough to send my husband a hefty birthday wishlist for SD but informed him that SD's birthday would be ruined if he showed up or was mentioned.” Sounds a bit manipulative to me. No one gives someone a gift list, even if it is BM giving it to bio-dad, and then implies, “Buy, buy, buy, but don’t you dare show up!” Are you sure BM isn’t calling all of the shots on this? As in stroking her kid (and her ex-, your DH too) to milk as much as she can out of this? Fabricated or induced illness--it occurs when a parent or caregiver, usually the child's biological mother, exaggerates or deliberately causes symptoms of “illness” in the child. And the term illness can include PAS or fueling that child’s delusions of abandonment, etc..
Putting that aside, YES!, by all means, move on!! Even if BM is guilty of Muchasenhausen syndrome (as in Gypsy Rose Blanchard) or such, good luck proving it. It is what it is, for you at least. Your DH may have more of an obligation, but you do not. Put SD’s things aside as you may, and go on with your life and your life with your kids. DH will have to find a way to make his own peace. When it comes to molding a child, BM by far carries the bulk of the influence. Like I say, BM could literally be a drug-addicted ho and her kids will long for her and seek her approval for a lifetime, and this is regardless of what kind of father dad is, good or bad. Something in the mother-child bond/ DNA going back millions if not billions of years to assure survival of the species—to keep mother and child together as long as possible. So, in a way, to ask a child to contradict their mother is like trying to take on a billion years of DNA. I guess that's my long way of saying if BM wants her to think A, she'll think A, even though B would be 100 times more right or truthful.
And, you are not an insensitive jerk, by any means. You are just wise enough to not let someone else’s histrionics or drama control your life.
That was sarcasm
OP knows the BM is not being kind.
Then I'd say it is a good
My bad. Then I'd say it is a good thing she knows BM is calling the shots!
Nope nope.
Nope nope.
Dh is making an attempt.
As for the gifts hell no. Dh can can ignore that request.
No gifts in the driveway! The
No gifts in the driveway! The gifts remain at your house until she comes back over. Do not allow BM/SKID to control you or DH! Dont be a prisoner in your own home either, she does not live with you, she hasnt been for months, I would simply say to DH, we are running out of space and have a perfectly good room not going to use, i need to start moving some things in there to make room, he will have to lump it in my opinion. You cannot put everything on hold dependant on BM/SKID moods this week, month, year. I sense the guilt you are feeling, the fact that you find yourself wondering "is DH really truely happy with us when SKID isnt around" or "is his happiness only ever complete when SKID is here and involved" I used to find myself wondering that too, however now i don't, we have a 2.5 year old together and I put all energy in to her, myself and my DH & i no longer worry, care or ask what's going on with SKID, BM drama. My DH doesnt reply to her anymore and just ignores her weekly (sometimes daily) text messages either demanding more money or more time to dump SS10 on us. It's clear cut now, if it's not to do with his well being or education then it really is just a wasted text message. DH doesnt engage or argue now and it really is for the best.
Concentrate on you, your kids, your marriage & if you DH isnt prepared to be on the same page, then you need to start asking further questions.......
This is also my life!
In a few months we will be 2 years since SD17 has been to our house. Her birthday is coming up. We haven't had a birthday list this year because BM has cut off communication (SD has followed, also blocking us and our kids / her half siblings from social media and phone), so we have made her a photo book of all the things we aparently haven't done for her / taken her to. Last year we got what she wanted, and none of our side of the family even got an acknowledgment or thanks, so won't be doing that again!
We are still making excuses to the younger kids why their sister isn't seeing us, they were all very close so its awful to see. We don't even know what to say. BM is definately behind it so we need to be very careful how we play this as DH and I hope in the future that SD will see what's going on and come back to us. If we told our younger 3 the things that have been said and done I don't think they would forgive SD, and its too complicated to explain Parental alienation at the ages they are.
I have set my boundaries. BM is not allowed on my property, SD is not welcome here until she apologises to me for her behaviour. SD told us via her stepdad that none of us, including the kids are allowed to contact her until we all apologise to her mother (laughable as the apology she wants is for things BM did to us). I was fine with not being able to contact her, but then after about 2 weeks we found out SD was contacting our older 2 behind our backs and telling them not to tell us! So now I've added she needs to fix her relationship with DH before she can have unsupervised contact with the younger kids.
We have moved on with our lives and are so much happier!
Read my post on SD20 and BM
Read my post on SD20 and BM asking DH to fund her 21st but told him he was not to attend. Does your DH think that dropping off gifts to your SD will make her a decent person by age 21 or a carbon copy of my SD? My SD was a bit younger than yours when the same ultimatums started. And my DH paid up because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to see her. End result was he "saw" her every time she smashed her phone, every time there was a pile of presents to collect, every time she wanted spending money for a holiday. All the way to age 20 he paid to listen to her rage about how he never cares about her and how he chose his new family over her. And it started with leaving gifts in the driveway...
How did your DH get you or
How did your DH get you or anyone else pregnant without any balls?
It seems that he just rolls over and takes his beatings from BM and SD with zero spine. I would have both of them in court and would be nailing BM with a contempt motion each and every time SD failed to arrive for court ordered visitation. DH may not see SD again but for damned sure she should know that her dad is fighting for her and she should have no choice but to have the facts about how toxic, manipulative and evil her BM is with this PAS crap.
DH needs to be in the therapists office for a post session review each and every time SD supposedly goes to a therapist. And... no gifts. She gets shit for nothing unless she shows up for visitation.
As for "her" room at your home...? Nope, she is not a participating member of the family, she has no room. Turn it into the combo guest room/office and in the off chance she visits she sleeps there.
You, DH and any other children in your home need to stop worshiping this kid and for damned sure need to treat BM only as the manipulative POS that she is.
Lawyer, court... NOW! No more catering. DH needs to keep his foot so far up both BM's and this kid's ass that they can read Nike in the mirror when they brush their teeth.
And again ... NO GIFTS! Gifts are for people of value who actively participate in your lives. SD does not qualify. A nice card with the message "We miss you. We will do a nice evening out on your next visit. Hope you have a great dad. Love Dad, Corgi and your brothers/sisters." Put the call to action firmly in SD's court and keep court summonses flooding BM's mail box. Nail BM's ass to the wall for violating DH's visitations and never turn down the heat on both BM and SD. For the rest of SD's life she should have constant reminders of how she is BM's victim.
I would suggest that any children you have with DH are more than likely due to immaculate conception because by all indicators this guy has zero testicular fortitude.
Good luck with this crap.
All IMHO of course.