Late night rambles
Letting off some steam here...
How much of being in a blended family means supporting your stepkid financially if she has 2 living breathing parents that co-parent 50/50? I know the answer, but need to hear more than the voices in my own head lol
For various reasons (none of them reasonable), my partner has not worked in like a year and a half. Maybe 6 mo into unemployment he asked if I could cover the rent for a while. I'm not sure why it only started hitting me now that I'VE been paying for HIS kid to live here. I suppose he sees it as I'm his partner so I'm helping him out (and by extension she gets to benefit), but hey man, if you didn't have a kid, we wouldn't bother with the extra expense of a 3BR.
So he went thru this ridiculous custody battle a couple months ago and his baboon of an ex ended up backing down a fight she started bc she didn't want to waste any more money. When they first wrote their MSA, it said she needed to pay him some nominal amount of child support. She fought to not include that clause, but their mediator said it was CA law. Anyway, as part of the renegotiations this round, they had that clause removed (even though she never paid it bc he agreed it wasn't necessary.) However, his lawyers said even though it's removed from the MSA, child support is SD's right and has nothing to do with the parents, so at any time, either parent can still file for it.
I told him, "if you're not gonna work, then you need to file for child support bc I never agreed to support you being a SAHD to NOT MY CHILD." Not only that, if I'm paying the rent, the least he can do is pretend to try to save money and not buy SD a new bike and new scooter bc she wants her to be more active this summer bc she came back overweight after her extended stay at mom's during the custody battle. If he was using the money to buy ME diamonds I wouldn't complain as much! (Kidding not kidding... you know what I mean)
Those of you who have really embraced blended family life (I know there's at least one of you lol), is it really "my money is your money" when it comes to taking care of the stepkids?
we don't have joint accounts - i didn't even have that with my ex-husband who did have a job and no kids.
Wtf. Why on earth are you
Wtf. Why on earth are you supporting this man and his kid?
Bc lucky for him, he snagged
Bc lucky for him, he snagged a people pleasing enabler! *good*
i do not, however, pay for daycare, extracurriculars, health/dental, etc
You mention partner
So I hope that means you are not yet married.
its hard losing a job. My fiancé had this happen a few years ago. He still contributed something to the mortgage and bills, and kept a record so once he got a job paid me back what I had covered for him.
If yours is not planning to do this, actively seeking employment, etc., then he's not a partner but a freeloader.
What are you getting out of this relationship? How long do you plan on playing Moneybags Malone to an unemployed partner who is buying gifts for his kid instead of paying bills?
Not married - he knows this
Not married - he knows this is why - and yes, I sympathized with the job loss. He used to complain his ex was always obsessed about splitting expenses 50/50 and when I was falling in love and naive I thought she was a cheap betch. She IS a cheap betch, but she had a point. My exH used to pay his mortgage on his own, but he always said my salary and contributions contributed to our fun money so that's how we worked that out. We kept separate accounts, but ultimately we knew all our money was being spent on US.
how long? Probably til the resentment drives me to insanity bc i can't put my foot down like a normal person. -__-
No need to go insane. Nothing
No need to go insane. Nothing that a few counseling sessions can't cure.
Fun Money!
Fun Money!
That is how I used to explain her income to my DW. Her income provided our quality of life. Mine paid the bills and funded our retirement.
We have never split anything. It always has all gone in one pot. Not hard to do when you marry with very little and build careers, life and resources together.
separate finances
Please think long term, not just immediate cashflow. If your own savings/retirement is impacted by a lazy ass freeloader and his offspring, and then you (rightfully) decide to kick them out, how will you make up that financial impact? When you say you don't have joint accounts does this mean you do have separate finances? You are really being taken advantage of here. Look out for yourself. You sound like a giving person but don't give to the point you're harming yourself. "My money is your money" does NOT apply when it comes to a kid who is not your own. Others may disagree with me, but I would not spend a dime on my skids. We do keep separate finances and thankfully DH is done paying his shitbag ex wife maintenance. We had a few scary moments when he lost his job (twice actually) and fortunately he had severance and found a new job in time. He has a ton of savings (as do I...and these are totally separate!) but if I effectively had to pick up the slack eventually in terms of household expenses due to his having to support her...would have been deal breaker for me. Now he just pays child support and it's not too bad. But I fully expect that to be in an adult relationship both partners need to contribute. I understand that job loss happens, and I would support my DH in that case too, but paying for kids that are not one's own is too much to ask.
Yes separate finances. I
Yes separate finances. I built up a reasonable savings so I haven't run myself into the ground yet. I also kept my 401k contributions at max. You're right though - I seem to be the only one feeling any consequence from his unemployment. He and SD get to continue to live at the level they were accustomed? Frankly SD never would have noticed or cared if she got new things, it's not like she was asking for them.
he seems to think as I'm never buying things for her directly, that's doesn't count as paying for her. Like rent - well we'd have to pay for ourselves anyway, right? So what percentage is hers? The extra bedroom?
For various reasons (none of
For various reasons (none of them reasonable), my partner has not worked in like a year and a half.
Dump this loser who's a user.
A partner helping out occasioally when it comes to step kids is one thing (and still not a step parents responsibility), being expected to take on those financial responsibilities is quite another.
Get out of this relationshp before enough time goes by that he tries to sue you for palimony. And he goes through all of your savings.
I may be the "at least one of
I may be the "at least one of you" you mention. My DW and I have never had separate finances with the exception of IRA's or 401K investment accounts. Even on those accounts we are each the beneficiary.
Our situation is a bit different than most blended families though. We met when SS-27 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We married 5mos after I graduated from engineering school with my BS. She had just finished her Freshman year of college. All we had was two 8yo cars and two apartments full of college furniture.
We raised SS together, supported each other through the completion of her Undergrad, grad school for both of us, a professional cert for each of us, and our careers and have made a pretty good life together.
So in our case my money is our money. And her income is.
Interestingly... I am on month 16 of being out of work. I have had a half a dozen interviews and been #2 on several great roles so I am not getting overly concerned just yet. Her career has been thriving. Though we are down ~60% on our usual earning level, we live reasonably modestly for our earnings levels so we do not need to raid our retirement funds just to pay our bills. I do feel like I am letting my wife down. Our entire nearly 26year marriage I have been the primary and notable earner. Though I don't feel guilty, I would prefer to be back doing what I do and able to take her on great vacations, buy her beautiful gifts, etc, etc, etc....
During our Expat years, she was able to take a 7 year hiatus from her career. We repatriated to the US at the end of 17 primarily because she wanted to reinvigorate her own career. I was recruited to a company to help drive their corporate transformation in order to put the company on a growth curve. She was very selective in the type of firm she was interested in joining. She approached 5 firms, all of them interviewed her and all 5 of them made her an offer. She selected the one that offered her a leadership role at a salary level she likely would have been at if she had not taken 7 years off. She has been with them for 2 years and is now their Sr. Tax Manager. She is kicking butt. I am very proud of her. Though the extended Tax season of 2020 is kicking her butt. She has worked 7 days a week since late Feb except for one week off in later April. It is the tax season that never ends.
That all said... I would not tolerate the situation you have described is in play in your relationship. I am very sensitive to not taking advantage of my wife. Applying that sensitivity to your situation, I think your SO is taking advantage of you. Don't tolerate it.
My SS has his mom and ... has pretty much never had the uninvolved Spermidiot.... and he has me. I am his dad. I have never had any qualms about my income raising SS. His mom and I raised him together. Besides, my wife is extremely focused on managing our finances. I have to be sneaky when I buy her gifts. Diamonds being a not irregular gift. She would never buy them for herself so I make sure she had nice rocks.
Take care of you. I hope your SO can get back to work soon.
I certainly don't mean that to be a bad thing.
More like I am envious of such a functional relationship of mutual respect and communication. It is very clear the 2 of you are a team and I haven't been around these boards long enough to know if you went thru any growing pains in the beginning to get there.
I also don't mean to say step-children are the root cause of everyone's problems, but I do think you are right that everyone's situation is different. If there was no biomom in the pic, I could perhaps step more comfortably in that role. As it stands now, I just feel like the nanny.
At any rate, really appreciate your input. I am riding the struggle bus of what is "supportive" and what is being taken advantage of. I do feel like the latter, bc while we previously didn't split things 50/50 when he was working, the fact that we were both working is how we both contributed 50/50, regardless of whose bank account funds were coming out of. I think he does feel like he's letting me down, but he feels it for the wrong reasons. I am not upset that we can't take vacations or get expensive gifts. I am upset bc I do not feel like he is partnering with me. I want to know what he's doing, what his plan is, to keep me in the loop to show he cares, and not just about getting a job so he can use money to shut me up or something. If he was working his old position, he would make 2x me. Mind if I ask how you guys have dealt with your unemployment and the consequences? I guess you kind of answered that by living modestly...
Good luck with the continued job search - Covid19 is probably not making it any easier.
Please do not think that I
Please do not think that I was confronting your topic. I agree that your SO is not performing as your partner and that really has nothing to do with his working or not. Partner performance is one of those things you know when you see it.
We are fortunate. We are both graduate degreed with professional certifications. That allows us to live comfortably on one income and invest the other. While we were overseas, my income was 25% above our previous joint income plus we paid less than 50% of the taxes we had paid when we were both working in the States so the net was far above where we were before going international. That, and we had zero demand on our income. Housing was provided, utilities were provided, a fully funded vehicle was provided, food allowance was provided, a home owner allowance was a perk that allowed us to maintain our home in the US which we rented, and annual travel was provided. Only our personal purchases came out of our income.
We had a one year period in the early 000s when the semiconductor sector imploded. I was out of work for 365 days. Fortunately we had DW's career and a notable severance that combined with extended unemployment let us maintain stability without having to gut our investments. During that period we had only been married 7-8 years. I dropped the ball a bit on the equity life partner points at t hat time. I busted my hump on a job search and did several multi month consulting assignments but I dropped the ball on stepping up on keeping the house up.
This time, I am Mr Homemaker, grocery shopper, cook, laundry guy, and do adequate but far from being up to my bride's standards house cleaning. While I hammer the job search.
Never let it be said that I am not at least somewhat trainable.
It is far easier this time than our experience in the 000s. First, my DW makes 3X what she made then plus O/T, bonus and profit sharing. Second and far more impactful, we are empty nesters. Last time we had SS who was 8-9 and we had guardianship of my DW's younger sister who was 17-18 at the time.
Above all else, we are a team, we enjoy each other, we enjoy the life and home we have made together, we each make sure to not take advantage of the other and support each career as much as possible at any given time.
Take care of you and I hope DH steps up.
I could NOT be with a man who
I could NOT be with a man who would not work and contribute to the household. All the rest of it is just noise. What's his deal, and WHY do you tolerate it?
Figure out how much rent you would pay if you lived by yourself, so a decent one bedroom. He's responsible for the rest.
Yes, that's what I would tell
Yes, that's what I would tell a friend in the same situation. At the same time, I never thought I would be divorced, or even entertain dating someone with children. I am learning I have absolutely no boundaries -___-